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Hi all my beloved brothers and sisters,

Love you all in the name of Jesus. This is the testimony of the greatest sinner and later touched by our wonderful, awesome, forgiving, loveable, heavenly father.

My name is Mary. I was a normal child, born and brought up in a very pious, strict roman catholic family. From my childhood itself, I was being told about our god’s love by my granny and my wonderful mother. But when I joined my college, it got all worse. I joined with the friends to whom I shouldn’t. I started speaking with the wrong guys for hours together. My eyes were fully tied up. I was going to church unaware of all my doings were wrong. Yet our heavenly father loved me with his everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3)

There was this non Christian guy, one year elder to me. We were speaking and speaking. One day he said that he loves me; I did not mind it and did not accept it. We were started speaking all the non sense things against Holy Spirit. Every time when he says that he loves me, I use to say no. Because, I did not love him. But I was just speaking to him. Nothing else. He started asking me continuously and for time sake to get out from this irritating situation, I too said OK, I love you. This is the time the devil started taking my life in his hand and played all the terrific games in my life.

I was praying to god to get me out of this hell as I really don’t want. But I did not pray from my heart. So I struggled a lot and cried a lot. I was in the situation of not coming out this. We both started fighting, and told him I don’t love. Because of his compulsion only I said OK. He did not accept that. In the time, I started avoiding him. He started blackmailing me that he will let my parents know about this and my brother also. I can’t even imagine how much my parents would feel if they come to know. So again I started speaking, stop speaking, blackmailed by him, and again start speaking. This is my wrong doing that time. Very bored huh????!!!! But I was in the worst condition. OMG!! What a painful, terrific situation that was!! This time I stopped talking with him about 3 months continuously. He tracked my best friend’s E-mail id and told that we both are in love. She asked me about this and gave a weird look at me. I was in the situation of slapping him nicely. I cried a lot. It was restless days for my heart and mind. At this time it has been 3 years and I completed my studies. In these 3 years we have met for 2 times.

I stopped speaking with him as I was searching for a job and badly hurt of not getting a job due to the bad recession period. In this time I started asking god to make me come out of this. I couldn’t tolerate this pain, at the same time he tortured me like anything. I use to cry at every night, cry as David in Psalm 6. I got a job. After that also we met for 2 times. We both went to a distant place which is about 3 hours away from my place. I was speaking and doing the things against the Holy Spirit. Those times even I very well know that these are really wrong, but I could not come out of it. I started doing the wrong thing on my own and for 2 years it continued. That’s it. Now I started asking god sincerely from the bottom of my heart to make me come out of this. Because, he started asking and torturing to marry him. I asked god please papa do something. I am tired of this. I know I am the greatest sinner in the whole world and cried a lot. But I could not come out of these wrong thoughts about body. I tried to control myself. But I could not. You know but our heavenly father still loved me so much, whenever I ran away from him, he ran out to reach me. One day I asked god sincerely to pick me out of this hell and promised that I won’t do any wrong thing. But still that couldn’t be done by this weakling.
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Through the blood of Jesus I am accepted by God. I have always had a problem with people accepting me. Even my own parents never really accepted they wanted me to be the way they wanted me to be. Even my friends and other family have never accepted me. I had to walk around with the pain of rejection by all even my own brothers and sisters in Christ.

For awhile I had this problem, people say told me who I really was and the mock what I wanted to be. Every one just put labels on me. But a few about a year ago I heard about healing from rejection and it was through the blood of Jesus.

Through the blood of Jesus I have found acceptance with my heavenly father. People tell me words that God is not real that I am not really a Christian and even accuses me of things that I am not. But trough the blood of Jesus I am close to the father. I was heal from my pain of rejection many month’s ago. I believe I will be satisfied in Christ Jesus. I believe God wants to put an over flowing measure of love in to me. I will continue to endure what I am facing. I shall not die but live and declare the works I the Lord. Satan has no power over me in Christ I can do all things through the one who empowers me with in. Satan lies to me and tells me he slanders me but I will over come him the blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony.

About a year ago, I met someone from church. She’s a great friend, a great talker, and willing to grow in God. I later had a dream that changed everything, not in a bad way but would have kept me in question. My dream: I was walking down the street on a beautiful morning and I see her waiting for me at the bus stop. We talked, and all of a sudden, she turns around and I hugged her by wrapping my arms around her waist.  At that moment, she smiled at said to me ” I feel so safe with you”, and she seemed completely content like if everything was going to be okay and because I was someone who was there for her. Then the bus show’s up and we hop on, and off we go. On our way somewhere, like if we were going on a trip. Although I don’t know where, all it mattered that we were together. That was my dream last summer.

Since then , I have spent time with her, talking, etc. Nothing of relationship. But that dream was always there, could it be a dream or something more? About a month ago, I was lying in bed thinking about her, how she was doing, just missing her and then I thought about the dream again. So at that moment, I prayed, that God would confirm this that either she is for me or not. The moment after I stopped praying, I got a notification on my phone . It was from her, she said thank you for being a great friend.. I was blown away!!!! I laughed because this was right after I prayed.

Last weekend, we saw each other, which was after a while of not seeing one another because of school. We spoke briefly and then she had to go. I was bothered by that because it’s been a few weeks and we didn’t really talk.. it was kinda hi and bye. so I felt that she was being insensitive. The following day, still thinking about what transpired. I another notification from my phone, it was her again! and she texted me to apologize, that even though she was in a rush, she didn’t realize how she came off (I NEVER TOLD HER HOW THAT BOTHERED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!). I asked her if she thought I was mad at her, which she said no, but felt bad. Anyway, she has no idea how much I needed to her that.

It’s like whenever these moments occur when I think about her, I’ve prayed about it for so long, constantly asking for God’s confirmation. I believe that strongly as God confirm a few years ago through another dream that the girl I had been talking to at the time, wasn’t for me.

that’s my story.. I don’t know if I should tell her, I mean I want to! but I am not sure what’ll happen as nothing as happened between us.

I want to start off by saying, everyone has been through something in life that was bad, some people have been through horrible situations, but now I know that God has always been there to help us. Growing up from child age to my teenage years was hard for me, I felt like I didn’t belong here on this world, but if I had just trusted Jesus & put my faith in Him, He would have made it better for me to bare those years. Then in my twenties, I just went astray & I got lost in the world. I ran to sex to comfort me, & back then for me sex comforted me from my anger & pain, but it just made my anger & the pain I had inside worse and I became bitter, that’s what Satan wanted was for me to just give up on myself.

I knew Jesus, but I didn’t have a personal relationship with Him then, I didn’t run to Him for help & forgiveness, but I ran to the world in a pit of destruction. I am a sinner, but I know God loves me & He chose me & called me to do a great work for Him, even though I am not worthy of God’s mercy, but His grace He has forgiven me and washed me clean by abundantly giving me His Glorious Spirit to live in me & guide me, He loves me & I love Him. Jesus is my Lord & Savior, and I thank God that He lives inside of me & He gave Himself for me & shed His blood for me for the remission of sins. God has given me many Spiritual gifts, I have a very strong passion for giving and helping the hungry & the homeless.

I want to help all people who have no place to go, & help them find their way and Jesus is the way, the truth, & the life. Being a blessing to the homeless, the hurting, & the suffering is a passion & a gift of mine that God has given me. I thank God that He finds me worthy of my walk with Him, even though I still do wrong, but God is faithful. He has called me & has chosen me for a great work and He is bringing it to pass by blessing me along with my mom to fulfill our ministry, “St. Barnabas Faith & Hope Recovery Center”. I want to bring God’s word to all & to strengthen & encourage them by building up their faith, hope and their trust in God, we can do nothing without Jesus.

We all can trust God because His word is true and everything He does it right, I know because I am a walking miracle of God’s mercy. I was diagnosed with HIV in 2001 with phenomena & I almost died in the hospital,but God. He sent a angel to me, I believe she was an angel & she told me everything is going to be ok. But yet I was still living for myself & living in sin on my way to death. God’s grace, His mercy, His faithfulness & His forgiveness, i believe God was tired of me playing around and He wanted me to come back to Him.

I had a vision that woke me up & this is the vision i had, I saw the coming of the clouds & the way we will be going up in the clouds & it was so breathtaking & beautiful, then all of a sudden it was over. The Lord is coming “SOON” to take the saints His church home with Him to God’s glorious kingdom in heaven, & that vision is what got me together to be at peace with God (JOB 33:28,30). God’s mercy and His love for all of us is that He wants us to come to the knowledge of Jesus Christ His Son and be saved. God saved me and pulled me out of the pit (ISAIAH 38:17) and He healed me from HIV in 2010 (PSALM 107:20), after I came back home to Him & obeyed God (2CHRONICLES 7:14), Amen. My Father has given me a strong faith & my faith is in the Son of God Jesus Christ my Lord & Savior & through my obedience to Jesus, God has made me well and He wants to make us all well, the Lord is a Healer & He loves us all. God is good! I hope in God, I belong to God, He chose me & formed me & He predestined me for His glory to do a great work. I live my life fully for Jesus being led by the Holy Spirit, I left myself & I have took up my cross, I’m a child of the Most High God, the living Father. I am married to Christ, & Jesus is my Lord & Savior. “I pray this word encourages many people.” God Bless, Amen.

Praise the Name of Jesus.

I have been in the Lord for more than thirteen years. I have had the Baptism of the Holy Spirit, recieve infilling very often, base my life on His Word…but was yet to receive tongues. before anything I wish to reassure those who need it….The Lord , now I know ,leads His people as HE knows they require. Not as per our wishes. there are so many plain teachings about the gift of tongues and I am someone who reads so much…yet this was not opened to me.

This year, on the beginning of passion week, I was lead into a fast. For the first time I was attempting a long fast of several days. I fasted for three days. On the fourth day, I was in a downcast mood. Every now and then I ask my husband for permission to go for fellowship and he refuses. This year again I requested and once again lovingly he refused. lol…

After he left for work and the children for school, I went online to search for some videos of praise and worship to join in. I came across a video of a Pastor Jon, leading a prayer to receive tongues. I prayed with him and I received TONGUES,

I am a self conscious most introverted person, incapable of laughing out loud, let alone talking to people who are not familiar to me. I have tried so many times to pray in tongues and never was able to get beyond saying Hallelujah innumerable times.

What came out was a form of groaning in unintelligible sounds which did not sound at all divine or musical to my conscious mind as I thought it would be. At the same time I was bent over in effort and shivering from head to toe. This I knew as familiar as His presence so I was somewhat reassured. I could stop and start at my own will but I didnt want to… weeping uncontrollably ,in between I started laughing with joy too because I knew I was on a direct hotline with the Holy Spirit!

After this experience I was severely tested. I doubted myself, wondered whether I was making it up… I didnt know what to think. Two things gave me relief… as I wept in my confusion and called on Father God, He spoke in His small still voice…”all these years I have led you…I alone…do you think I will let you suffer wrong?” and then scripture ““Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:9-11

I kept on praying tongues throughout the day and it now settled into a language I recognized…syllables at a speed which i otherwise am unable to produce. I also realise that my conscious mind goes on a sort of “lie-low state”  when I pray in tongues…

I still am on a high… its been now four days and already I feel the difference within me… I am joyful, I am not so worried what others will think of my faith… Hallelujah… I cannot stop praising Him. Hallelujah!

Matthew 27:51 “At that moment the curtain in the sanctuary of the Temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. The earth shook, rocks split apart…”

I want to share a testimony of this verse which I believe will give insight to many problems within the lives of God’s people today.

I can remember living a life of spiritual discipline and sanctification. Like a Jew, I had consecrated myself to God, following a specific ritual to enter his holy presence. I didn’t realize it at the time, I thought I was “guarding” my relationship with God. I would not watch “worldly” music, movies, or games. I would pray, offering myself as a sacrifice to god and cleanse myself of all sin and any “worldly” influence.  When I surrendered it all, those were my sacrifices. I kept his presence behind a curtain because I was not worthy to enter it if I had not prepared myself. Deep within, I was afraid to lose his presence, afraid to not be fully prepared and be struck down dead spiritually, and afraid to experience sorrow in the process. I struggled with these things day by day until one day during a worship service, I read a specific verse which said

“You tore the veil, you made a way, when you said that it is done!”

In that moment, I realized that it was not my sacrifices of praise or the ritual cleansing of avoiding anything worldly that brought me into his presence. It was by the death, the blood, and life of Jesus Christ which tore the curtain of his presence and unleashed the holy spirit to all who believe in him. I was completely free from living that old life. I realized that I had made priestly garments for myself and tried to cleanse myself, but after that divine revelation, I had spiritually taken them off and chose to be clothed in humility and thankfulness. I could then freely say by the holy spirit living in me “Hallelujah!”

A long time ago, i was bound by the chains of addiction. I liked playing video games until one day, there was a video game in which I’ve never been so addicted to. I played it and played it over and over again because i felt like i was someone powerful. I felt like i achieved something in my life and i didn’t want to leave that fantasy. I was respected, had friends, a girlfriend, and girls who wanted me to be their girlfriends, why did i need god? I didn’t like the real world because it didn’t appeal to me.

I was like the prodigal son in the bible who was given money to use it in the world. I didn’t do much except play for hours. I was lost in a false fantasy. I kept playing endlessly, until i jokingly wanted to quit and take a break. I couldn’t, i was stuck in a vicious cycle of playing. The desire to quit got stronger every passing day, but i was still kept in bondage to the game. I was suffocating, drowning, and passing away like a withered flower inside of myself. I felt like i was wasting my time on the game and it was driving me insane.

When i woke up, i felt depressed because i raced to play the game. I wanted someone to listen to me and help me, but i felt like no one was. Every time i tried to just yell for help, the words choked. My future, happiness, the fullness of life, and all that was good in the world was like on another side of a tunnel and no matter how fast i tried to run towards it, i was always back in a pit of my addictions. I turned on some christian music and i was very speechless.

I no longer had the same enthusiasm, the same spirit of worship, or the passion of giving myself to god. All i could feel was a completely dry feeling. I was starving spiritually to the point where i didn’t care anymore. I asked my girlfriend “I want to do something, but i don’t know what to do, can you please help me?” she gave me an unsatisfied answer.

Right there, i realized that girlfriends won’t bring you joy, in fact, my whole fantasy no longer brought my joy. It was only an illusion that i couldn’t escape. My mom momentarily pulled me out. She couldn’t joke about it anymore, she didn’t laugh anymore. It seemed she was going insane as well, “My son, stop playing!, stop playing!, don’t play anymore!, what kind of life are you having in that game?!”

I could see the desperation in her face, but i walked away without saying anything, inside, i replied to her “I wish i could, but i can’t stop playing!” I took a bitter rest only to stuff all of the addictions down my self. I needed to play the game more. Finally, one day i couldn’t live the way i was living where nothing was real. I couldn’t bear the torment.

I thought that the only way to escape it all was to not live at all. I felt very pushed down. It was until i came across a church still in service.  I saw people literally screaming at the top of their lungs at full force. They were not even playing in tune with their musical notes. There was no order, just worship. The preacher screamed with all of his might “It doesn’t matter what we’re going through, we sing hallelujah anyway, It doesn’t matter if the economy is bad, we sing hallelujah anyway, It doesn’t matter if i go to prison, we sing hallelujah anyway because that same God that let me go into prison shall take me out!” Some ran as they yelled, so full of energy. I couldn’t understand “Why are these people doing this? What makes them so happy?” You may have seen chaos and social disorder, but i could only see one thing….Freedom. The freedom that doesn’t come from man, but the freedom that comes from God (2 Cor. 3:17 “For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”) An elderly lady stood up and testified “I thank the lord for this moment, i could have stayed home and laid on my bed…but, i came….i came…I broke down crying because i thought of myself. I could have stayed home playing that same game and kept living the same miserable way as before, but by God’s mercy, i came to be set free.

Jesus tore the chains from me and set me free to live a life full of joy, blessings, and the holy spirit. From that day, i lived in freedom.

While I was fasting Holy Spirit told me to write this testimony to help others. I grew up in Europe in Catholic environment but I was lost. For me it was more about traditions than personal relationship with our God. 7 years ago I moved to United States, gave up my professional job, got married, had kids. My life turned upside down.

After long period of stress, worries, loneliness, dealing with friend’s sickness, death in family, my son’s behavioral problems, failing marriage I developed anxiety and panic disorder. Fear, worries, stress ruled in my life. I was constantly worried how I felt. If I am going to faint, die, loose my mind. It was all I was able to think. Medication was not helping. My heart was racing almost all the time.

When I reached deep bottom I started reading bible and praying. And one day God talked me for the first time ever. He told me to find church. On Sunday we were there. The first sermon was how God speaks to us!

During next months my life was changing. My husband and I got marriage counselling. I was able to deal with panic attack and anxiety much better but they were still there. I didn’t know why. During the fasting God revealed me I don’t need to worry about being good enough for him! That was it. Before I missed the point. I was trying to “get points” from God for my actions. I felt guilty because I was failing God daily. I wanted to be perfect but it is not possible. My faith was getting stronger. The biggest thing was that I learnt I can’t trust my feelings, understanding and thoughts. Trust your faith inside your heart. If bad thoughts, fears and worries come don’t pay attention to them. Just trust your faith and know God is with you and this thoughts never come from him. God always wins.

It was and is long process. I still have anxiety and panic but I don’t let them lead my life. When I feel it coming I just trust in God and pray in the name of Jesus for strength and trust in him with all my heart. I am actually thankful for my panic attacks because they brought me to God. Maybe my anxiety never goes completely away and I don’t want it to go away. It takes me to God and shows me his power. He is always with us.

Annual day for my two pre-schoolers.

The rush in the house to get out on time.

Last minute I find a hole in a “strategic point” of a police costume.

Frantically trying to thread a needle that is so challenged in the size of it’s hole.

dont have time to drag out another needle case from the cupboard…..and as i tried to push the thread through that non-existent hole, I thought

“Lord, if I , the camel, could go through the needle hole of your salvation…why not this thread too?”

…and ? …….the thread went through!!!

He loves us…HE wants to be involved even in the most mediocre things in our life…..He loves me enough to thread my needle for me when I am frustrated beyond imagination…..

“O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.” Psalm 34:8

I have been a Christian for nearly as long as I can remember; probably since I was about 6 or 7. I truly believe that my sins were buried with Jesus, and He is alive today. But I have a problem: I have embraced the gospel, but I don’t have a moment or a date I can point to as the instant I became part of God’s kingdom. I don’t remember that defining moment at all. The people who I have heard give testimonies of their salvation all seem to have a dramatic tale to tell, when they “used to be a terrible terrible sinner, but God changed them dramatically” and they “saw the light.” It had always made me feel like I was missing out on something big, and that I haven’t experienced the full transformation of salvation. This has always planted a seed of doubt in my heart about my ability to serve God correctly, and if I am even saved or not. In America, we have everything we could possibly want or need, and because of this I often find myself not relying on God for anything, and that scares me.

How do I know whether I am saved or not if God isn’t doing anything radical in my life, and I find myself sinning a lot? I am really struggling right now! I definitely have felt the Holy Spirit moving before and I was baptized when I was 13, and I have grown a lot spiritually since then. But I have gone through really intense seasons of fear and doubt, especially over whether or not I am actually accepted by God as one of His children because of the ordinary, non-transformatory circumstance of my salvation. I desperately want God to use me for His glory, but I ask myself all the time – why would He choose ME? I am extremely shy about sharing God’s Word with others, and I have no great testimony or influence. It breaks my heart just to think about it. If anyone has struggled with the same thing (or even if you haven’t) and can offer me some Scriptural encouragement, I would really appreciate it! Thank you so much for reading!