Testimony Share

Reading through people’s testimonies is truly a blessing. Hearing how God has moved in your lives is so encouraging. I want to take a minute and share part of my story – At 42, my life had great excitement, huge success, but very little substance. I was a well-known fashion photographer and shot for Calvin Klein, Nautica, Christian Dior and more.

Outwardly, my life was full. Inside, I was running on empty. I found myself in a very dark place that I couldn’t escape. Lying awake one night, completely unsure of my fate, I had a visitor.

I distinctly remember the absolute presence of God in my room. He asked me if I wanted to keep doing things my way or maybe try them His way. I knew that I couldn’t get out of this on my own, and realized that it was time to try His way.

My life began to change. It was a difficult time – God had no intention of fixing it all at once. But over the next months (and years), incredible people came into my life, all bringing information that would reshape my life into the one God had intended for me all along.

In 1993, I took a break. After a while, I was blessed to lead the project called Beyond the Sport, the Victory Within which highlights some amazing athletes. I was also blessed to be reunited with my college-sweetheart that same year. It had to be divine intervention. She was 400 miles away and I had not seen her in over 21 years. We met in Pensacola, Florida in April, it was love at second sight. We were married five months later! Since Cheryl and I married, both of us have grown exponentially in our relationship with the Lord. He is the center of our lives and the One who has blessed us so.

That journey that started over 15 years ago led us to a place where we thought it was time we did more to spread the name of Jesus. That is where The Journey’s Project comes in – my life has been one crazy, blessed Journey, full of lessons learned. I started The Journeys Project with a vision to show re-create images of a 2000 year-old message within the context of the 21st century. Creating this project has been a journey itself and process where we have seen and experienced the peace of God. I wanted to share with each of you that there are certain free images you can get that I hope encourage you and bring the peace of God in a way you have never felt. You can get those images at www.thejourneysproject.com.

Thanks everyone here for sharing your stories and journeys… and for listening to mine. May God bless!

On October 2, 2009 I was told by my cardiologist to return on the 9th for an echocardiogram to confirm VSD- adult. On October 14, 2009 I went to my Cardiologist for an Angiogram in the Catheterization Laboratory to make sure there was blockage for surgery to close the hole in my heart. During the angiogram I suffered a Mycardial infarction. I passed away for about 20 to 22 seconds. The warm blue ink caused a piece of plaque to break off and lodge into my left main coronary artery and cut off all blood and oxygen. The rt. coronary artery was completely blocked. It was so so painful like an elephant sitting on my chest and my heart feeling it was going to brust at any second. They had a coronary defibrillator that was placed on my shoulders twice. When I was stabilized two stents where put in two days later from ICU I complained of heart pains they decided to go back into my heart to put six more stents into my rt. coronary artery. I’m a miracle because with a hole in my heart and a completely blocked RCA GOD still allow me to live. The cardiologist told me that patients have passed away with no damage to their heart. I know it’s true because people have died during angiogram proceduce. I have a blocked main artery and VSD-Adult and the LORD still brings me back from the dead. I’m not finished I have to get the VSD-Adult problem fixed. There is a hole between the Rt. venticle and the Lt. venticle pouring oxygen pure blood in with the deoxygenated blood causing shortness of breath etc. So, sometime in 2010 the surgery will happen and I look forward to it. I’m confident that the LORD is for me and HE has great things for me to accomplish for his Kingdom. What’s so incredible about this is that I was weighing 245 lbs. doing over-hand pull-ups for 18 to 20 reps for sets of 12. I was curling 135 lbs for 8 reps. sets of 5. I was a member of the Planet Fitness I worked all the machines with maximum weight. I had never been stronger in my entire life. All the time GOD knew I could die at  any moment. My right coronary was completely blocked and I had a hole in my rt. venticle.  His name is LOVE and MERCY.

I must admit that I do not have any excuse for the direction my life took. It was choices I made bad choices at that. I was raised in a God fearing home and my parents loved Jesus and went to church on a regular basis. I enjoyed church for a while but things around me started to become so attractive hence the name of the book I wrote “Deceived”

I grew up in a good Christian home, but submitted to peer pressure and my own inner lust at the age of 12. I became a drug addict and an alcoholic at the age of 17 yrs.

I was drafted into the South African Navy to do military service and for me this was an opportunity to check out the drug & gang scene on the Cape flats… ‘ It rocked’, here was this white bro hitting the streets on weekends and “time off’ in this so called ” non white area” with a local gang called the MM. It wasn’t long and I hooked up with a girl whose brother was master of arms for MM known to be one of the largest gangs on the cape flats at that stage.

The year in the Navy turned out to be disastrous as I look back today, first my mother died while I was in the navy, I was in military hospital for drugs, I was charged for malicious damage to property when I went on the rampage in a hotel in Cape Town, man this could just not get any freaking worse.

On completion of my training my dad commented that in fact I looked worse than I did before I went into the military. Not long after the end of my military service I again met up with a member of the HELLS ANGELS JO’BURG and eventually the local Chapter in South Africa. I was at that stage the youngest member and loved fighting so earned the nickname ‘ Billy The Kid ‘. I quickly fitted into this subculture of bikes, fighting, women and some things I cannot tell. During the day I would hook up with a gang doing robberies and drugs and at night became this possesed biker who hated everyone who was not part of the ‘brotherhood’ (they were ‘peasants’) I loved hurting people the bigger the better. After many close encounters with death, God began to work and answer the prayers of a Christian mother who never stopped believing that God could deliver her son from darkness.

Things took a drastic turn after I was ’spat out’ by society with no friends, no job, no money absolutely nothing, I had a shattered life, accidents, overdoses, an abortion, Satan worship to mention but a few things.

Now I was alone trying to start all over at the age of 21, standing on the second floor of a hostel I was approached by a young man and invited to a church service I refused and the entire weekend I could not sleep, by the Tuesday I was in such a state that I realized that I needed to get my life sorted out, I could not take this any longer in my small room I fell on my knees all alone and wept for the first time in years. I asked God if it was possible to forgive me for all I had done this continued for I don’t know how long but while I was weeping there was a knock at the door. At first I was embarrassed to open but the knocking was persistent, eventually I washed my face opened the door and there was a man dressed in a jacket and tie. He told me that while sitting at home God had told him that someone was in desperate need, he drove as God directed him and stopped at the hostel walked up and down the 3 storey building and each time he passed my door God would urge him to knock. The minute he told me his story I knew God cared and was real and that God had just heard my desperate cry for help and forgiveness. The fact that God would send someone directly to my door overwhelmed me than and does the same for me some 34 years later.

This act of God would stay with me for the rest of my life through many difficult times I have always known that God loves and cares for me as he does for us all and he is never to busy to hear our cry for forgiveness and than we become his children he hears our every cry, prayer and supplication.

God is so good to me I was instantly delivered from drugs although I suffered with “flashbacks” for a few years it was soon over. I am now married and have 3 wonderful children and 6 beautiful grandchildren. I have been involved with youth & students for many years and God has used me over the years to share my testimony with thousands of young people from all over the world.

However over the years I had a praying mother & father who never gave up hope that one day I would change and not just change but radically change and proclaim his word to all. Well it happened there prayers ‘paid off ‘ God radically changed my life and now I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ it has changed my life forever. I have been kept by the power of Jesus for 34 years now and I must say that there is nothing that compares with this Christian Life so call me a “Jesus Freak” I would rather ride for the “SON” than for Satan.

If you are praying for someone or perhaps you yourself are struggling with many issues in life and you know that you need a change,a lasting one, than drop me an email via this website or should you wish to order a book please do so, the book is only 90 pages (took me 3 years to write) but its normally read in one sitting with amazing responses. It also makes the ideal gift for someone who may be struggling a troubled teenager or a biker who wants to break loose.

I could continue for days to tell what God has done for me through his Son Jesus Christ but why not try it for yourself. I am also available to share my story so feel free to drop me a line my promise to Jesus many years ago was that any place, anytime, I will proclaim his mighty power to save form the gutter most to the uttermost.

Yours in Christ

Billy The Kid www.billythekid.co.za

I grew up in church. My father was a pastor and my grandfather on my mom’s side was and still is a pastor. And still the enemy got a hold of me. I was raped when I was 13 and rebelled. Soon after I was put on anti-depressants after attempting suicide. I drank heavily, smoked pot and experimented with many drugs for ten years until I was introduced to meth. My whole world was torn apart by meth. I lost 80 lbs. in 5 months, hid myself from friends and family, my boyfriend and I lost our apartment and lived  homeless for 3 months. And still the God I had known form infancy never let me out of His sight. I found out I was pregnant and my boyfriend (whom introduced me to meth) said that I was never to touch meth again. We moved in with his mom and found an apartment soon after. I had a beautiful and healthy baby boy, his name is Judah. When my son was 4 months old my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to get high again and i said yes. I got high non stop for three months and again lost my apartment. My boyfriend took my son to his mom’s and I stayed with a drug addict for another three months. i only saw my son 4 times during the last  3 months. And still the God I’ve known from infancy never let me out of his sight. I went to a christian women’s trauma retreat that dealt with the original trauma i had went through as a child and in one weekend the Lord healed my heart, my soul and my body. I’ll never be the same agian. There is no longer any need to drown my sorrows with drugs and alcohol because my god has deliverd me from the pain. I am now married to my son’s dad and being the mother and wife God created me to be. All the praise and glory to Jesus!

From Depression and Drugs to be Saved, Sanctified, Holy Ghost Filled, and Water Baptized

What on Earth Happened to Jessica?

People would often speculate what a life living for the Lord would be like. I could say that before this dramatic change in my life I felt I had enough problems in my life then to add on trying to live a certain way that was required of me. It was a no brainer that being a religious fanatic was no where in my future. However, I come to realize that it isn’t that way at all. In the mist of all my troubles, Jesus was already working in my life through subtle dreams and people crossing my path. He is working in your life as you read this but you may not be spiritually mature enough to recognize it. No one is born that way. It is something you develop. You need not be a rocket scientist but just have an open and weary heart. I was in a time in my life when I was struggling with depression, being in a relationship with an addict I loved and still do love very much, jobless, and just struggling inside altogether. I was wondering why I tried so hard. I served my country for five years. I had a college degree and I was a good mother. I couldn’t imagine how life could deal me hand like this. I cried and stayed up for many nights asking God why. I know this is not very uncommon to people. Some of you may be experiencing these things or have experienced these things before. I was medicating my self with drugs and alcohol to deal with my issues. I have always been somewhat of a strong person but somehow I lost grip. The common person wouldn’t be able to recognize me but those that knew me up close would see it.

When I accepted Jesus my mind was made up. I remember many times at night telling him no matter how he had to get me out of my situation to do it. I was ready to live for him. I couldn’t do it anymore by myself. If he had to take anyone and everyone out of my life then so be it. I could not walk out my situation. I was so bound that he had to get me out.

I made a decision having a tiny bit of faith that he heard me when I talked to him or that he even existed. I wasn’t raised in a church. All I know that if this Jesus character was real, and all they say about him is true that he would be the only one to save me from self destructing.

I was Baptized in Jesus Name and He Filled Me with the Holy Ghost

 
Holy Ghost? Could this be real? If it was real, then the bible is right and somebody’s wrong. I mean this was something those crazy Pentecostals practiced. They were the people that would wear the dresses and would speak tongues. No way! Yes way….and it happened to me. When I was baptized in Jesus name, he filled me with the Holy Ghost and I my lips began to stammer and I spoke in a tongue I could not understand. It felt like it was a release that I needed since I was victimized as a child. I felt special and was beside myself knowing what was happening and that Gods love for me was unconditional and that no matter what I did he forgave me. It was confirmation he heard my cries. It doesn’t happen immediately for most people but you have to ready to receive it. You have to repent of all your sins and have a clean slate with God. You have to be willing to fully submit yourself to his will. Remember now this was all new to me but my heart was weary and I was ripe for the picking.

After, the Lord blessed me with the Holy Ghost I started to change, I could recognize people for the spirits in them rather then just their body. God had taken me to a new spiritual level and doorways started opening. The bible in which I could not comprehend before started to speak to me in a sense. I started to understand it. I felt like it was some other realm or dimension that the common man knew nothing about. Scriptures started to connect and I started to grow in his word. I had dreams in which God warned me of tests to come. I past some and failed some but in it all God was revealing to me what needed to come out or he needed to put into me. This was a supernatural experience that was happening to me. I couldn’t explain it to my own family without them looking strange at me.

The Holy Ghost Moved Me

 
While still living in the same situation at home, I would hear the word..”Separate” in a faint voice in my head. It was that word and that word only. The Lord had saved me and here I was. I was still living with my boyfriend at the time and he had still been struggling with his problems and I was still technically married to my first husband. People would come around to have a couple of beers but I couldn’t be at peace. I made a vow to God that now matter what that if he took me out of my situation that I would give everything up. He was making sure that I met my end of the deal. I tried to ignore the voice at first but regardless I was a new creature in him. I could sense the spirit of alcoholism and smoking around me and it repulsed me inside. I was so sensitive to it now. What was happening to me? My spirit couldn’t take it and I moved me and my daughter out of the house and left my boyfriend who I loved very dearly. Doors began to open for me and I had a very close spiritual sister of mine draw up my paperwork for my divorce with my husband to get things right. Our divorce was final on February 8, 2010 and I am now living life as a single, saved, sanctified, Holy Ghost filled and water baptized woman. This means living according to Gods law not mans.

The Lord is Blessing Me

 
You can feel the Lords presence come over you when you have the Holy Ghost. It is a feeling of Joy and Peace. It makes me cry when it initially comes over me because it is a reminder that God is real, the Holy Ghost is real, and all that he has done for me. He has delivered me from everything. I am no longer bound. I am free. When the Holy Ghost overtakes me from time to time I dance in the spirit in my church, I shout, I jump and I feel like I am on fire inside. I feel like Jesus is all I ever want and all I ever need. I often tell people that it feels like if someone just told you that you won a hundred million dollars. How would you react? People wouldn’t even recognize me or think I have a few screws loose but I don’t care what people think, I know what I feel. I want to tell the world that if you are not experiencing this level of intimacy with God then you are missing out on so much. There is more to it then just tears in church and feeling his presence. He can fill you on the inside. When you receive the Holy Ghost you have power over all spirits. His joy strengthens you and he begins to lead you.

The Explosion
Jesus exploded in my heart and I am head over heels in love with him. The Holy Ghost is better then any drug. It is real. People who know me know that I tell it like it is. There will be some that believe that this is a coping mechanism and some that truly believe. I know that I have the true genuine Holy Ghost. I know that prayer changes things. I know that when I speak to my Lord and Savior he hears every word I say. I know he knows my heart and knows what is best for me at al times. There are new levels with Jesus and every time you pass a certain level the desire in your heart is so strong to go to the next one.

My Opinion

When you get to this level with God, and try to go back to the world you are never the same because of what he has revealed to you. You can’t ignore what you know without a doubt. The devil will try to deceive you and tell you that the world was so much better but why go back to what he took you out of? You came to him with a weary heart…why would you want that back to anxiety, misery, heartache and pain… The Devil is a liar and he will tell you that the world is so much nicer. God allows us our own free will and if you choose to go back he will not force you to stay but you will never have true peace unless you are in his will. I want to stay in his will and when I said “Yes”, I truly meant completely “Yes”. I have to fight everyday when things come against me to. I live life in True Holiness as God asks of me.

Early Sexual Abuse:

I don’t remember much about my childhood. I do know that the abuse started early…

I don’t remember the first incident, but my Mom told me that when I was 5 she was giving me a bath and found scratch marks on my butt. She asked me what they were, and I started crying. I said that the teenage son of the lady who babysat my brothers and I had tried to get my panties down. The next day, Mom quit work and stayed home to take care of us kids until we were old enough to go to school.

I can remember going to my cousin’s house for summer vacations, and on weekend visits. My male cousin was about a year older than me. I remember him touching me…I know that this abuse continued for many years, even when they came to our house to visit. He would somehow make sure we were alone in a room, and then he would touch me…I don’t remember all that he did to me. I do remember the touching and kissing… I knew what he was doing was wrong, but I was not sure how to stop it. This abuse continued until I was probably 11 years old. I had another cousin who would touch me in the same ways. Thankfully it didn’t happen with him much because I only saw him about once every couple of years.

Around the time that I was 10 or 11, I had made friends with a girl that was my age that lived a couple of doors down from me. She had a step-dad and an older teenage brother. I can remember the brother touching me…but I don’t remember much else. I also remember that one night I asked my Mom if I could spend the night at this friend’s house. My Mom said sure because my Dad was friends with her step-dad. I honestly don’t know or remember what happened that night, but I can remember for weeks after that thinking to myself, “How am I going to tell my Mom that I’m pregnant”. I’m not sure why I thought I was, but I knew that something had happened. Many years later (while I was in high school) I saw this step-dad again (he came to visit my Dad) and I was so very scared of him. He kept smirking at me and trying to get me to talk to him. I just could not bring myself to be in the same room with him. My Mom suspected that something was wrong, but I never told her. Then, when I was in my 20’s, I saw a lady who could have been the twin to the step-dad. I remember feeling very sick to my stomach. I could not even look her in the face. I’m very thankful that God has helped me to block out that whole situation. I know in my heart that something very bad happened that night, and I pray every time I think of it that God will not allow me to remember it.

Dad:

I don’t remember Dad drinking until I was about 12 years old. Mom did a very good job of hiding it from us kids. She would always make sure that we were in bed when he came home from drinking.

The first time I remember Mom and Dad fighting in front of us kids about Dad’s drinking was when I was 12 years old. Dad apparently wanted to go out, but we were really short on money. Mom told Dad that we were, but he said he didn’t care. She said well, if you can go out, then I can too. She loaded us kids up and we all went out to eat. I could tell that she was so miserable the whole time. It was such a tense situation. I can remember feeling very anxious and sad.

A short while after that situation, Mom, Dad and two of their friends had gone out for the night while leaving us kids and their kids with a sitter. When they all came home, Mom and Dad were fighting. We all got into the car to go home and Dad smacked my Mom. Mom jumped out of the car and so did us kids. Dad sped off. Their friends told us that we could stay the night. We had no sooner than gotten settled in for the night than Dad started calling. He said he was on his way. When he got there, we all got into the van. Dad proceeded to tell us that he was going to kill all of us that night and then kill himself. He said, then showed us, that he had a loaded shotgun between the seats. After we got home, he pulled out the gun and told all of us to get into the house. Mom said no we are not going into the house; we’ll sit out here on the swing (which was in the front yard). We sat outside for what seemed like hours. Dad would come out periodically and he alternated between being overly sappy then extremely verbally abusive trying to get my Mom into the house. Finally he’d had enough and grabbed my Mom. Mom said run! So we all ran to the neighbor’s house and I had the neighbors call the police. Thankfully, the police got there before Dad could do anything to any of us. For years after that, Dad never let me forget that I was the one who called the police on him. It was like his hatred of me grew from this moment on.

The next year, Dad got sent to Panama for 6 months without us. Things seemed pretty good at home with him gone. Of course Mom missed Dad, but overall we had a pretty happy life. Then orders came up for us to go over to Panama to be with Dad. I don’t remember much of his drinking then, and he wasn’t too terribly abusive at that time. Things were very tense at home, and we all felt like we were walking on eggshells when Dad was home, but Dad mostly would stay gone till late at night. We would all be in bed by the time he got home, so he had no one to fight with. While we were down there, Dad got into trouble for being drunk and had to go to AA meetings and got put into an in-patient facility in the States supposedly to “get sober”. Dad was sober for exactly one year…all that he was required to be.

After coming back from Panama, things just proceeded to get worse. Mostly it was watching and listening to my Dad be verbally abusive to my Mom. Dad was also cheating on Mom. Dad would come in after being out and then want to pick a fight with Mom. He would accuse her of cheating and then severely verbally abuse her. Once again, Dad got into trouble with the military because he was caught passed out behind the driver’s seat. He had taken both of my brother’s with him to a friend’s house to get drunk and high. He was so drunk when he was driving home that he just pulled over and passed out. Both of my brothers were just sitting in the car wondering what to do. They were probably 13 and 14. One of my brothers pulled the keys out of the ignition and sat them on the dash otherwise my Dad would have gotten arrested for DUI. As it was, by the time the cops got there, my Dad was puking blood. He had alcohol poisoning and was taken to the ER. After that incident, he was required to attend AA again, and was required to stay sober for a year.
My sophomore year of high school, we moved to another house. Things continued to get worse. Exactly one year to the day that he became required to stay sober, he was back out at the bar getting drunk. This was on the day of my 16th birthday party. After that, Dad began to be verbally abusive to me. He would tell me that he didn’t love me and if I didn’t like it I could leave.

When I was a senior in high school one of my best friends died in a car accident. I had had a fight with her the day before she died.

On the night of my graduation party, my Dad decided that he needed to get drunk. My whole graduation party ended up being a drunken bash for my Dad and his friends.

After I graduated from High School, my Dad retired from the Army and we moved back to Ohio. Dad began growing and selling marijuana and drinking almost every day. My Dad’s brother came to visit one weekend and they both got into a huge fight. My Mom stepped in, and then my brother stepped in. My Dad proceeded to beat my brother up. We ran across the street…with my Dad shooting the shotgun at us…to call the police. Again, I was the one who called the police. When the police came, they said that they could not take Dad to jail. My brother did not have any visible marks on him and unless my Dad had physically assaulted any of us, with visible marks, then he had as much right to stay there as we did. They actually told us that we should leave! It wasn’t until my Dad became verbally abusive to the police officer that they finally arrested him. The next day, Dad was released (he was never charged with anything), he just had to sleep off his drunk. Dad started walking home and then got a ride from someone. By the time he got home he was fuming mad. He didn’t speak to any of us for about a week. He didn’t drink during that time, but he still managed to make all of our lives miserable. And, then he found out that I was the one who had called the police. I was done for…in his eyes, I was no longer his daughter. That was all I could take…I moved out into my own apartment after that. The only reason I stayed for so long was because I didn’t want to leave my Mom to have to deal with my Dad by herself. But I just could not stay there any longer. I was having major anxiety attacks every time Dad drank.

My Life:

I moved into a one bedroom apartment in January of 1996. I absolutely loved it. I didn’t have to be around Dad anymore than I chose to be. I didn’t have a driver’s license, so I was very dependent upon people to take me places. This caused a lot of strain between Mom and Dad because while Mom wanted to help me in any way, Dad complained constantly. I began working at Pillsbury in Wellston, OH in November 1995. I didn’t particularly like working in a factory, but it was the only well paying job that I could find in that part of rural Ohio. I began to make friends, and on my 21st birthday several of my friends took me out drinking. That was my first taste of alcohol and the numbness that it gave me. I was hooked from then.

While working at Pillsbury, I met Chris. He was a great guy, and we quickly became friends. He was married, so I never thought anything about me and him. He began calling me at home after work (his wife worked 3rd shift at a different factory in the area). We would talk well into the night. Before long, we were talking about sex and I told him that I was a virgin. That just seemed to make him call more. One night after work a group of us were going to a local bar. He asked me if I would go, and then he would take me home. I said okay. That night we had sex. All I kept thinking about was how much I liked him, but then I would remember that he had a wife and a 2 year old son. I simply could not bear being the other woman, so I broke it off with him. Thankfully he got a job someplace else and I didn’t have to see him anymore.

After that, I became good friends with several different ladies that enjoyed going out to the bars and dancing. I really enjoyed drinking and how it numbed my emotions. Every time I went to the bar, I had no intention of only having a few drinks. I always drank to get drunk. Going to the bar was an every weekend thing, and sometimes even during the week.

I dated a lot of guys. I had sex with even more guys. And, several of my partners were married men. I was always searching for “the one” and the only way I knew to get guys to pay attention to me was to have sex with them. I didn’t know anything else. And, all of the guys that came and went from my life wanted only one thing from me. None of them wanted a real relationship with me.

I felt severely used and abused. So many times I just didn’t want to live anymore. I’ve had the pills laid out on the counter more times than I care to remember. I had every intention of taking all of them and just being done with it. I just didn’t like my life or where it was going, but I didn’t know how to change anything. Each time I had the pills out, a quiet voice would speak to me and say…just rest my child…it will be better in the morning. I was scared to die, so I’d just go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

In June of 1999, I got fired from my job at Pillsbury, and had to move back home with Mom and Dad. At the same time, my brother got out of the Army after serving 4 years and moved back home. Since Mom and Dad were living in a small 2 bedroom house, my brother and I had to share a room. By this time, Dad was really bad. He had already beaten my Mom up pretty severely and was threatening all the time to kill her and himself. One night after we had all been drinking because we had family and friends over for some special occasion, my parent’s were sleeping in mine and my brother’s room. That night I got to listen to my Dad call my Mom every horrible, disgusting name…then he proceeded to tell her how he was going to kill her and how he’d get away with it. The whole time, my Mom just lay there like she was asleep.

After that night, things just seemed to go downhill quite rapidly. Dad became withdrawn when he was sober and severely abusive when he was drunk. Mom and I had to sneak out while he was drinking to avoid his anger towards both of us. One night while he was drinking, he proceeded to tell my brother that he was going to kill my Mom. My brother told my Mom and she decided it was time that we all left. We tried getting help from a domestic abuse shelter, but we knew that we couldn’t live like that. My Mom knew that if she left my Dad and we still lived in the area that he would make our lives miserable even though we didn’t live with him. So Mom decided to leave. My brother and I had no place else to go, so we left with her. We put my brother’s and my stuff in storage, and some of Mom’s stuff too…at least the little bit that Dad let her take, and then we all left to go up to my Mom’s brother’s house.

After we left, Dad tells that he was planning to kill himself. He had the shotgun ready and he practiced (without a shell) by placing it in his mouth and pulling the trigger. He said he put the gun down that night and then went to sleep. The next day, he said he got up like every other day and was drinking and drugging. He said he had picked up his cousin and they were riding around. He said he just felt like he could not go on any longer in his life in the way he was going. He said he felt like he wanted to get saved. He dropped his cousin off, and then started driving to his sister’s house. While he was driving, he said he turned on the radio and there was a preacher preaching. He said he knows that he did not turn it to that station, so he felt even more impressed that he needed to get saved.

After getting to my aunt’s house, my aunt and uncle prayed with my Dad. They said…now you’re saved… My Dad said, No! You don’t understand, I have a legion of demons inside of me and I need a lot of preachers to pray with me. Get on the phone and call some preachers. That night he got miraculously saved! That was November 1999.

After getting saved, he called my Mom at my uncle’s house. He told her what he had done, but my Mom had heard all of his false promises to change so many times before, so she said, I’m sorry…have a nice life.

The next day, my Dad borrowed money off of his aunt to drive up to find my Mom. He had no clue where my uncle lived, he just knew the town. So he said he drove around all day long. Finally it was getting dark and Dad was getting discouraged. He said he stopped and prayed and asked God to help him to find us. Just then he rounded the corner and there was my brother’s car. We were all sitting and eating supper when there was a knock on the door. I knew immediately that it was Dad… I was so upset. He came in and begged my Mom to please forgive him and to come back home with him. Mom said, it’s not just up to me, you have to ask the kids too. So, my Dad talked with us kids. Finally, we all agreed to go home with him…though reluctantly.

Life for all of us changed from that day forward. I was still drinking, and trying desperately not to get saved even though I was under deep conviction. I can remember being in bed one night and praying out to God for Him to come and help me to want to get saved. Just then I saw several black forms out in the hallway trying to come into the bedroom. I immediately started praying and asking God to make them go away. They did.

Around the middle of December, Mom got saved. Mom was raised Lutheran, so she had no idea what salvation was. She was going to church with Dad, but she simply did not understand all that she was seeing and hearing. Finally one evening, she heard a preacher preaching that explained things in a way in which she could understand and she got saved.

New Year’s Eve 1999 rolled around and I was supposed to go out drinking with a bunch of friends. My plans fell through and Mom and Dad were going to church that night for a watch night service and invited my brother and me to go. I said I would, but at the last minute I changed my mind. While they were at church, my brother was in the bedroom and I was in the living room watching TV. I was watching the Dick Clark New Year’s Eve Special and Sting was singing “Dawning of a Brand New Day”. I knew that I was tired of living the life that I was living and that I wanted the peace and happiness in my life that I could that my parents had. I knew that if I knelt there and prayed in the living room, that my brother would come out and wonder what in the world I was doing, so I went into the bathroom and knelt down and prayed. I got saved that night.

I still deal a lot with depression and anxiety. I am currently going to counseling and my counselor seems to think that my depression and anxiety is caused by post traumatic stress syndrome. God is helping me day-by-day to have a personal relationship with Him and helping me to heal the deep wounds of my past.

I just would like to let everybody know that Jesus saved my life on many thousands of occasions and if it were not for the lord I would be dead now. I know that the lord loves you because when I was in prison back in 1985-1992 he saved vme from hanging with a rope around my neck and I went unconcious and when I was blacked out close to death I saw a bright light that had shown before me and then he said to me that he would take me someday but that for right then at that time that it wasn’t my time to pass away. he told me that if I made things right with my familly and gave to those who are in need and loved myself that I should do my best to stay with the living and understand that life is a far better thing than what I had been thinking and feeling that it had been and to always at all times push, struggle and realize that it is not to be wasted on things such as alcohol, drugs, or bargaining and bartering with the souls of men and women. Lord, i love you for all that you have done for me and your blessings go out to all those who might beleive in your name and my you always be praised and may you always find peace, love and joy in your mind, your heart and your soul. amen!

Growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father

Delivered from years severe depression, suicidal thoughts, hopelessness and the scars of sin

I was pretty happy artistic, energetic child who loved to play, read, write, sing and draw. Life for me as a child growing up, was pretty normal, but my early teen years, my dad drinking had turned him into a full blown alcoholic. He physically and emotional abused my mother for many years, hitting her on an almost daily basis and accusing her of all manner of things and calling her all sorts of vulgar names. Our house was filled with shouting, hitting and quarrelling most for the time, and I did not know what it was like to live in peace. Because of the abuse she suffered from my father, my mother was mostly always crying and unhappy and very strict with my sister and I.

Depression and suicide

As a result of growing up in such an unstable, chaotic home, I developed very low self esteem, fear and had no confidence whatsoever. I was scared of people, reserved and withdrawn. I didn’t talk much and did not like to associate with people. I coped with what was going on at home by shutting me away from people, not getting close to anyone for fear of being hurt. I escaped by watching a lot of TV, thinking a lot, writing my journals daydreaming and reading novels.

I was not really brought up in church. I always longed to know God, but my ideas about him were of this strict God I could never please who would send me to hell if I wasn’t perfect. I did not imagine him as a God of love. When I was 9, I had 2 dreams where the rapture had occurred and I was always full of fear of being left behind when Jesus came and ending up in hell.

At age 15, I was so hopeless and lost in such darkness that I did not want to live anymore. Life was too unbearable. I tried to commit suicide by taking a huge bunch of pills hoping to overdose and escape the hell I was living in at home. Luckily I did not die, and out of a fear of going to hell, I did not attempt suicide seriously again but felt stuck living while I wanted to die.

In boarding school in high school I was reserved, shy, awkward, and clumsy and loved to stay alone. Girls in my school called me ‘weird’ and ‘odd’ because of my intense fear and awkwardness. I also bed wet through out high school and this made me feel like an even bigger weirdo than they thought I was. I had body image issues and hated everything about myself.

My father’s suicide and more hopelessness

When I was 16 my father tried to kill my mother one night, and the next day after intervention from my mother’s sisters and brother, they were separated .We moved to a smaller house which my mother could afford. I only saw my dad once more 6 months later in December, 1998.

6 months later on May 1999 when I was 17, my father committed suicide. I was in my last year of high school, and my mind was in such torment that I’m surprised I managed to finish high school and pass my exams.

My first 3 years of college went by in a blur. They were miserable years. I got involved in a relationship where I was introduced to alcohol and sex. Got pregnant at 20 and had an abortion. I also struggled greatly with OCB (obsessive compulsive Disorder), bulimia and more anxiety. I visited many different places for counseling and therapy, but I never really got any help for my depression.

I was constantly suicidal after the abortion and had a great fear of death and going to hell. Fear had so taken over my life that I was scared of leaving the house even to go to college. I would shut myself in the house for days with all the curtains drawn filled with misery. I would drink secretly in my room to numb the pain, but it only made things worse. Once I drank so much I collapsed and was rushed to hospital where I was admitted for 2 days on alcoholic poisoning.

I had always wanted to live for God but it was always so hard for me to make the decision because I felt so unworthy. One day in January 2003, after months of wanting to get right with God, sitting at home alone, I switched to Christian TV and after watching 3 shows, I repeated the prayer they said after the program and gave my life to Christ.

Falling back into darkness

In the year and a half to come I joined a church and focused on serving God and pleasing him. I gave myself to fully serving God in various ministries in the church. My life finally had peace and true joy. Everybody noticed the change in me because I was no longer sad and withdrawn. My mum and sister started attending church once in a while because of me.

However the change was short-lived. I begun again to struggle with depression and insecurity, and instead of staying close to God and looking to him for comfort, I walked away. I met up with an old friend and I ended up pregnant. I lost 25 pounds while pregnant because of depression and made two half hearted suicide attempts. I hardly ate. My body was weak; I became very thin and was filled with such severe hopelessness.

Being a new mom, with severe mental health issues, no confidence, depression and a lot of anger and bitterness at life and all my mistakes, despite having wanted always to be a ‘good’ responsible girl, was not something easy for me. Being a mom did not come naturally because I had always secluded myself into this world where I was always alone, and it was difficult to now deal with having an innocent, helpless life be my responsibility. It took years for me to finally be at home and at ease with being a mum with God’s help.

My mother was also struggling with her own identity as a widow and alcohol seemed to be her only comfort. Added to it having to support me, jobless and with a child was not easy for her. It was very strenuous to our relationship since we both and bitterness and so much anger and a feeling of receiving the short end of the stick in life. 

I finally was referred to a psychiatrist by my aunt coz she saw I needed the help. I couldn’t function. I was always tired and disoriented. The doctor prescribed anti-depressants for me, but I did not take them long because of the side effects.

In the years to come, I would get into many wrong relationships, make friends with the wrong kind of people because I was lonely, go out to clubs with my new ‘friends’ something I never did before, started drinking quiet often, got addicted to wine, tried smoking weed, tried getting into all manner of stuff to get peace. I even thought I may be a lesbian and sought this lifestyle out, but even after trying all there was to try, I still felt lonely and alone, and I did not fit in any where.

My life was a big mess. I did my best to be a good mum to my daughter, because I did not want her to feel the same rejection I’d felt all my life, but being depressed and sad all he time, I could not really be good mother to her.

At the age of 27, I started to lose my mind completely. I was so tired, often sick, fatigued, hopeless and begging God daily to let me die. I knew if I didn’t make things right with God I probably would end up dead for sure. I didn’t have much of life left.  I was so frustrated with my life, I had no peace. I started seeing a psychiatrist again because I was at my end. He diagnosed me as severely clinically depressed and also having social anxiety and put me on drugs. But I could feel God tell me it’s him I needed, and I could keep medicating and drinking but I would never have peace.

After years of rejecting God and trying to fix my life on my own I couldn’t run any more. On July 7^th, a normal day, I went home put my daughter to sleep, I just felt the conviction of the lord so strong that night that I knew it was time to make things right. Right there in my bedroom crying like a baby, I confessed my sins, rededicated my life back to Jesus. I knew right them my past was over and there would be no turning back.  

The bible says if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).That night I cried out to God sincerely and he heard me. Like the prodigal son in Luke 15, I came to myself and went back to my father and he received me with joy and rejoicing.

 “he lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire.” (Psalms 40:2)

I started slowly working again on my relationship with God and leaning on his eternal love for me. He delivered me from my fear and depression and suicidal thoughts. I eventually went back to the very same church where I had served and fallen and got back into serving in my church again.  I love serving the lord and ministering to people. I am a Sunday school Teens teacher and involved in the praise and worship ministry in my church. I love any outreach work that involves telling people about Jesus.  I also love writing for the lord as an outreach and encouragement tool. God has given me a special love for the broken hearted, rejected, unloved, cast aside and hurt because that was my experience. I know there is healing for any situation we have gone through in Christ and I am open to sharing that love and provision to all. God has made my mess my message.

I also now have a blog which I use to share Jesus, articles and messages on various life and faith issues. My aim is to share Christ’s love, forgiveness, healing, and encouragement and hopefully express his Grace and Love in what I write.

Healing is a process, and it’s not been easy facing people and their comments and questions, but knowing God has accepted and forgiven me, I cannot walk head held low. There are so many burdens in my heart for the lost and the hurting and I know that everything I’ve gone through God shall use for his glory in turning many to him. I know that everything I’ve gone through is for a purpose.

 God has taken my fears and hopelessness away and given me new life, and he will do the same for you if you let him, no matter what you have done. He is no respecter of persons.

“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold all things are become new. …” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1)

You can get me through my email adress:hisgrace82@gmail.com.

Remember Jesus loves YOU!

God is amazing and good. He doesn’t want us to allow our circumstances to overwhelm us. Was raised in an abusive background, told it was normal cuz we were african american, never questioned the abuse. Alcholism, domestic violence and verbal abuse. I thought it was how most people my age grew up. Struggled with violent family members, but now that I am older realize that God is my hiding place. Family who threatened me, my life and my other family members haunt me. Constant choas in the home, made me emotionally unstable, prone to depression and violent tendencies. Became addicted to pornography at the age of 8, because of distant relationship with parents. Felt like I had a hole in my heart from the constant fighting bickering, and verbal attacks on me. one parent would abuse the other, then they would verbally abuse me. tell me my talents were no good, and i was worthless. Stupid, you name it. pretty messed up situation. Became pretty promiscious in middle and high school due to the over exposure to pornography. Pretty messed up. dated alot of guys, had broken relationships, but went to school, had alot of money. Almost ended up in prison. Moved away from home, then when got around old people, lost job and children and wasn’t able to have a child or a marriage. could keep a just. almost got into trouble with the law. Was suicidal and wanted to kill myself. Wouldn’t do it because was my mom’s only child and she had been so abused. Couldn’t do that. in the midst of all the drama, I was a muslim, but later became a christian. God is healing my heart and hurts, delivering from the need to be married,(cuz i had a broken engagement) Became an artist and writer, still waiting on the LORD. God is good, I am not dead, in jail or crazy. I give Him all the praise. learning how to forgive family that abused me, for losing my children and even the husband I had wanted. Thanking God for blocking disasters from happening to me and a bad marriage. PS 91, He has angels watching over me and healing my heart. Amen. Give praise to God for the wonderful things He has done.

A  year ago today I posted an article “heartbreak.” Today I have a different testimony. I got married six days ago to the most amazing man. He and I have known each other since I was 12 years old and in 2003 we dated for over a year and again we did so in 2006. However we could never overcome the physical distance, him being in Jamaica and me in Canada. Well this year we decided that no distance can stop our love. The bible says love endures all things and we believe in the love God has placed in both our hearts for each other.  When my relationship ended almost two years ago with my ex I thought I would never get over it. I was in so much pain I couldn’t see past it. Today I am happier than I have ever been.  This experience has taught me that when you truly commit it all to God, you truly commit your live into His hands and you allow Him to direct your path you will see the fruit of His love.  So to everyone out there who read my story ”heart break” I am here to say that a year later my pain is no more, in fact I have never had so much joy.