I grew up in a Christian family and was a very shy quiet girl until I was about 12 when I met my best friend at the time and I started testing the boundaries. At 14 I made a decision to get baptised and not long after that things started going down hill.

At 15 I was pretty naive & didn’t know what a lot of things were. One of the youth leaders from a church we joined to do an outreach with took a liking to me he was 5.5 years older than me and we kept in contact. We ended up seeing each other a few times. One time he came to visit and he ended up doing things to me. i didnt know exactly what was going on but i knew it wasnt right. this happened about 3 times untill i told a friend who told my parents. When my parents found out they sat me down and hounded me till I told them what had happened. They grounded me which made me feel like it was my fault.

They got a restraining order on him so he couldn’t come near me or the house again.
They spoke to people in the church about it and word got out, I felt like no one from the church looked at me the same or treated me the same any more.

I used to do a bit of babysitting for people in the church but it all stopped after they heard what happened.
I had to go along with my parents & stay in the car while they had a meeting with his pastor at his church, while they were in the meeting I ran away and took the first bus that came past. I spent 5 nights sleeping in the back of a guy friend’s car who my parents had told me they didn’t want me to see coz he was older and I had had a crush on him. After 5 nights i decided to return home.

6 months later I bumped back into the youth leader & for some reason we started txting and he said it was a sign from God that we bumped into each other and we were ment to be together. I ended up dating him secretly.

My older sister and I were made to leave home for 1 month , coz we were causing a lot of problems with mum and dads marriage. (we were turning them against each other coz dad would let us do things mum didn’t want us doing and then they would end up arguing) I said if I had to leave I wouldn’t return & didn’t till 10 years later. (I was 16 when I left)
after one or two years of dating the youth leader I finally told my family and after some time they accepted it.

Before i told my parents about my relationship with the youth leader he would make me lay in the back seat of the car with a blanket over me so no one who shouldnt see us together could if they happened to drive past, he also made me lie about my age to people he knew so i wouldnt seem so young. At times he would tell me I was dumb, and that i should read the dictionary, that my friends weren’t laughing with me they were laughing at me and I should think before I speak, that i had to lift my hands in worship (which i wouldnt do coz i felt pressured) and i needed to go to uni.

He didn’t like me hanging out with my friends & especially with my best friend. because I would hang out with her once a week he would say “you obviously like her more than me”. The whole relationship was manipulation & control. A lot of the time I wouldn’t do things i wanted to do so he wouldn’t get grumpy with me, things were fine for him to do but not for me or other people. I hardly ever had choices to do things because he would tell me what to do and if I didn’t he would get grumpy.

I was only ever aloud one alcoholic drink but it was fine for him to have more.

He had anger issues but never hit me there were a couple of times holes were made in a wall or door coz someone had pissed him off and I remember a few good yelling matches between him and me. As time went on I resented him and didn’t want to be with him but I didn’t know anything else and a few times when i tried to end things he said its just the devil wanting to split us up and He did the whole if you break up with me I’ll kill myself and other times he would say you’ll never hear from me or see me again.

It got to the point He would kiss me & I would try stop him but he would say “well who else am I supposed to do it with, your my girlfriend”. I ended up feeling physically sick when we hooked up.

After 5 years I finally ended things, i knew he had said that i would never see him again if i did and i knew i was very happy to never see him again but after i broke up with him he wouldn’t give me my house keys back or leave me alone & a couple of times came into my house & into my room. one morning after he turned up in my bedroom I finally managed to get my key back.

I didn’t wanna date a Christian again especially one in leadership. I started partying and getting drunk on the weekends &
I went out and made it my goal to ” officially” loose my virginity so on a drunken night I brought A guy home with me I hardly knew.

My ex started telling my friends & family I was sleeping around and was on drugs and involved with gangs. The only truth was I was sleeping around but he never new that for a fact he guessed this after going through my phone one time and seeing a photo of a guy he didn’t know.

During my relationship with the youth leader I helped out in the youth group & took in one of the girls who had been kicked out of home & was in CYFS care. I became her caregiver but it lasted only a month or two coz she ended up outside my bedroom door one night with a knife saying the voices were telling her to hurt me so i had to use our care plan CYFS had set up and call the police, the other flatmates didnt want her returning after that.

After a few months of partying & drinking lots i bumped into summers dad, (we had gone to intermediate together),we went on one date then went out drinking together and i moved in with him 2 weeks later (our tenancy at my flat had ended so he told me to just move in with him) I moved way too quick and didn’t realize he was an alcoholic & druggy till after moving in.

A couple of weeks after moving in with him I picked up my little sister from youth group and brought her to drinks at our house my parents found out and it was the last straw. My family disowned me (i was given the choice to leave him, stop drinking & go back to church or i couldn’t see my family. I got angry and didn’t wanna be controlled by anyone anymore so I stayed with him. A few months into the relationship he volunteered for redundancy got a huge payout and spent most of it on alcohol drugs & food.

With some of the money we went on a holiday to Australia with my best friend and her boyfriend, the first few days were good but because he couldn’t find any drugs he ended up loosing the plot, he started drinking heaps one night and getting on one of his angry buzzes I ended up locking myself in my friends room and spent the night in there with them, he was trying to get into the room and was saying he was going to jump off the balcony and was asking us to give him the alcohol which was in the room. We refused and he ended up getting a knife from the kitchen and stabbed the ironing board a few times. I was over it, I called his dad (who lived in Auzzie) and asked him to get him the next day and I left him there and flew back to nz . I started packing up my stuff to leave when I got home but was unsure where to go and after a phone call from him crying and apologizing, saying he was going to get help and begging for another chance I stayed.

He decided he didn’t want to find another job and went on a sickness benefit for depression.
While living with him i went from getting drunk of a 4 pack to buying a12 pack.
One night at a party i passed out behind a car, the guys said they don’t know what made them walk around the back of the car before jumping in, but if they hadn’t who knows if I would be here today.
I started experimenting with drugs ( my family thought I was on drugs so I thought I may as well try them) I got stoned a couple of times with his parents (who used to be pastors).
About 6months into the relationship he ended up cheating on me (they had family friends over and we had all been down at the pub. After getting home he wanted to continue drinking. I woke up and went to get a drink of water and walked in on him and his mums friend hooking up (who he called his Aunty)
Because my family had disowned me I didn’t know where to go & ended up staying but things were never the same, we argued a lot after that. Things were very up and down, we lived together but pretty much did our own thing and didn’t talk much. He never cared what I did never got jealous and never asked any questions about what I was doing or where I was going.

One night I ended up in hospital on a heart monitor & drip after taking speed & the following night a pill his brother had found. I couldn’t control my body It was like I was having seizures I would start shaking and certain parts of my body would start to twitch & couldn’t keep anything down and I had been throwing up bile for half the day. He finally got him mum to come check me and she said I needed to get to hospital. He said he didn’t like hospitals so never came with me and got his mum to take me and his dad to pick me up.

On New Year’s Eve the girl who i had taken in that time came to visit with her boyfriend, after a while we went up the road to someones place to continue drinking & they said they were getting picked up from our driveway. While we were gone they got into our house & took a few things. When we got back and saw what had happened he went round to their place, her boyfriendwas passed out on their bed and she wasn’t around, he tried to wake the guy for a fight but he wouldnt wake, so made a bit of a mess of his place and took a bottle of alcohol. Around 4am that morning we woke to banging and yelling at the front door, it was the guy as high as anything wanting to fight. He started smashing the glass panels in the door with his hands, I locked the bedroom door and hid in the wardrobe which had a hidden room (it had a hidden door inside which led to a small space with a little grow room). I was on the phone so scared to the police for 20-30 min till they arrived. There was glass& blood everywhere that he had been and a pool of blood about the size of a dessert plate at the front door. I was shaken up but glad We were both unharmed. He had managed to get into the house but for some reason never came up the hall to the bedroom (I put it down to Gods protection).

One night a car full of people turned up at the house after one of our drunken walks home from the pub yelling & saying they had guns coz a few of the boys had pissed them off, I don’t know who they were or what that was about or even why they left but they were only in the drive for about 5 min (I think his dad may have come out and told them to piss off)
I used to walk the streets by myself when I was drunk if I was pissed off with him, I’m lucky nothing ever happened to me being a young girl drunk wearing next to nothing and wandering around by myself.

God definitely had his hand on me.

There were 2 occasions I barricaded the door by putting things in front of it & slept with a baseball bat coz I was scared he might flip out & try do something to me he told me once when he was on acid the voices were telling him to hurt me.
He had major anger issues & him and his brother would have punch ups and threaten to kill each other.
I was sick of the partying and being around people who were constantly drunk, stoned and on anything else they could get their hands on.

I ended up going out with the girls and cheating on him, the week i did he decided to try make a real effort to sort himself out but i felt real guilty & didn’t have the same feelings for him anymore so I ended things that week and moved out.
I moved in next door to my parents, the neighbors had always helped me out and had been there for me when my parents weren’t.

I continued seeing the guy i had hooked up with. My ex found out I was seeing someone else & that I had cheated on him and he started threatening to kill me & make my life hell. I got a protection order against him and about 2 months after leaving I found out I was pregnant. The guy I was with didn’t want to continue the relationship if the child wasnt his and at my first scan when they gave me the estimate of how far along I was the dates didn’t work out to be his so we ended things.

A week or two after that my parents came over and apologized to me for disowning me and I broke the news to them that I was pregnant. About a month after the other guy & i broke up I decided to tell Summers dad I was pregnant he begged for another chance. We went to counseling and the drinking & weed slowed down a lot. At 8 months pregnant I moved all my stuff back in but a week after moving back in things stared to go back to how it used to be (I realised it wasn’t going to work but didn’t have the balls to leave and look after a baby on my own). I had a long birth and he was complaining how he was tired so he slept on the couch in the room, I was lucky I had my mum and sisters in the room for support.
At times I would ask him to hold summer so I could use the bathroom and he would usually say, I need a smoke first or I need a Bucky first so I would just end up taking her to the bathroom with me. When he was around her he would loose interest after about 10min.

I didn’t want my daughter growing up with someone who thought drugs alcohol & violence were cool, who didn’t want a job and listened to music with the morals that he listened to & didn’t give her the time or attention she deserved.
I stayed till she was 5 months old and then finally picked up enough courage to leave.

My protection order still stood and he breached it a couple of times, one time getting through the security fence at our apartment and banging on our door, i was living with my sister and we ran upstairs & pushed a set of drawers in front of the bedroom door & called the police, he got into my car & stole a couple of items, the police found these things at his house but he still tried to deny it.

Because if his threats and breach of protection order the police installed a panic alarm into our house so I just had to push a button if he returned again and they would automatically send a car out. He pleaded not guilty at court for at least 2 hearings and then finally decided to plead guilty so he could have it over & done with and move overseas.(he got away on a good behaviour bond & a small fine)

While I was with summers dad till i was with Makiylas I started doing promo work God was definitely looking after me through that. Most of the jobs were bikini or lingerie and some of them involved me waitressing at stag dos in hotels or at people’s houses with one or two other girls but the odd one was by myself, we would just get given a time address and told what to wear.No one would know where I was except my boss and we never txted to say we were fine and had finished. My job was to hand out drinks and shots to guys play their drinking games & get them as wasted as I could trying to make sure I didn’t drink too much.

I never thought to let people know the addresses of where I was going or what time I would finish. I’m so glad God protected me and I never had anyone try take advantage of me. When summer was 1 I started seeing a guy I had met through her dad who had told me that he was getting a divorce. his wife was pregnant and wasnt in the best mental state & would repeatedly call my phone send me messages and turn up at my house, so we went to stay at one of his friends, which I found out later was a tinny house. She would seem to find us wherever we went and would tell me they were still together & he would tell her to leave, I didn’t feel safe coz she didn’t seem very stable and he had told me that she had come at him with a knife.

He knew I didn’t wanna be around drugs or with a guy who was on them. He told me he only got stoned occasionally but that was it, I ended up finding a p pipe in his bag and when I confronted him he told me it wasn’t his, but when I asked him to do a blood test he refused coz apparently he was afraid of needles, I told him if he didn’t do the blood test It was over and he still wouldn’t so I ended things. After ending things with him, from what I heard he was playing us both off each other, (all of his stories he told me seemed so real and he would always turn the tears on and say that she was crazy and when she would turn up he would say you know it’s over leave me alone) but thankfully as far as I know they worked things out in the end.

While I was with him I started receiving calls and txts from someone who called them self ghost they would taunt me & send real nasty messages, whoever it was stalked me and knew some very personal things about me, even when I got a new car a few days later I got a txt about it. These messages went on for over a year they also managed to get my new number when I changed it. I ended up blocking the number, still to this day I’m not 100% sure who it was but i have a couple of ideas.

One night when I was on legal highs The smell of red wine on a guys breath triggered my memory and gave me flash backs of when i was a child and a particular person doing things to me he shouldn’t have I would have been about 4 when the stuff happened.

Just before summer turned 2 I met Makiylas dad he seemed like the perfect guy, he was real romantic and he spoilt me & summer & was so good with her. A week after we started seeing each other he said there was no point in a relationship without truth and honesty & told me he had some thing to tell me. he said he was selling drugs, i told him one of the main reasons i left summers dad was coz of the drugs & if he wanted a relationship with me he needed to stop. I asked how long he had been doing it for and he said only a few months. He agreed to stop selling & after about 6weeks we moved in with him.

He always had the right things to say and an answer for everything.
After getting permission from my parents He proposed to me after 3 months.
Some colorful people showed up at the house & demanded one of his very expensive cars which he handed over. A few days later he said he was outside and saw gang members drive past the house and point to it. He told me to pack a bag for myself and summer and that we would leave the house for a couple of weeks till things calmed down. About a week later
He took us overseas on a 3 week holiday so i could meet his relatives.
I found out about a week into the holiday that i was pregnant.
Then he told me he got an email from his brother who was feeding the dogs that people turned up at the house & questioned him, his brother then got some of summers toys and clothes and our clothes out of the house but when her returned again to get some more of our stuff things had been taken. Our house got cleaned out and we lost everything except for those clothes & items of summers his brother managed to get out. He told me it wasn’t safe to return and we were going to stay in South Africa.

I hated it over there, summer and I were stuck in the house most days while he was at work or we would sit in the truck all day and drive around with him, occasionally we would have to go to areas where we were told we should never go to, I would just start praying hard out that God would protect us and the truck wouldn’t break down (coz he would often drive around with the petrol light on) pretty much every day I would end up in tears feeling lonely and feeling like I couldn’t cope. I used to be so happy and used to love life I used to wake up excited it was a new day but it all changed and poor summer had to see her mum break down crying all the time, she would tell me it was ok and to stop crying, no 2 year old should have to see their mum like that or have to try comfort their parent. I felt like I was failing as a mum too. I kept praying things could change and we started going to a church over there. I kept asking God to get us out of this mess.
He was trying to get me to have my daughter over there and was wanting me to go to a registry office with him, saying if we were married summer and i wouldn’t have to go return home every 3 months. I didn’t wanna be stuck there longer than 3months at a time so I never did it and I didn’t wanna have my baby over there either.

I came back to stay with my family and have baby in nz. A lot of stuff started happening and I started to find out about his past and who he really was. all the truth started to come out. It turned out he had been involved in things a lot longer and a lot bigger than he had said and he was involved in a lot of dodgy things.  I found out he had criminal convictions and he had upset a lot of people & to top things off had been engaged twice before & even used the same ring he had given me to propose to the girl before me. I don’t know if anything he ever told me was true.

I got a phone call from one of his best friends and was told I had to turn up somewhere or else!!!!
I rang him up and told him about the phone call and told him i was going to put my daughter and my safety first and i didn’t wanna be caught up in his mess any more so i ended things with him and all he said was delete/ get rid of anything that tied me to him and go to the police for my safety.

Dad and I had one hour from the time of the phone call to turn up. It was a very intimidating meeting with 3 big guys.
When I told him I was in trouble because of his actions & told him what they wanted and what he could do to fix things he said “well what do u want me to do about it” I realized then that he didn’t actually care about us at all and we were probably just part of some sick plan. With everything hitting home and realizing I was going to be raising two children on my own I didn’t know how I was going to cope.

The guy who I thought treated me as a princess,the guy who i thought loved me & my daughter turned out to not care one bit. i realized I had fallen for all the lies & manipulation all the smooth talk and the “right answers to every question” he ended up leaving us to face the people who wanted revenge on him. With me carrying his child they saw me as the next closest thing to him and their target. I lived in fear for a year, always looking over my shoulder & wondering if something was going to happen to us that day.i couldn’t hold proper conversations, my mind would just go blank mid conversation & I couldn’t even hold small talk. My hair started to fall out in a patch and no matter how much i ate healthy and unhealthy I continued to loose weight.through my pregnancy I put on only 9kg (almost half of what i put on with summer) but luckily i had a healthy 6.15lb baby. Dad and I faced going to meetings where guns were present having deadlines on when money had to be paid trying to find ways of getting money when neither myself or my parents could take out a loan and threats of “children disappear you know”.

I sold a few of the belongings i still had that were of value and we saw God come through. a family friend & her mum gifted a huge amount of it to us. at the time we were handing over the money we got a phone call from them saying they were going to give us this amount and dropped it off an hour or so later.during all this I started going back to church and sorted out my relationship with God and let go of the judgments I had of the church. I had never stopped believing in God but I knew i wasn’t living how I should.

We were told after making the payment things were over & we were free but about a month later we got a call saying there was more. Things continued and my fear continued, I was told they wanted revenge & they wanted a pound of flesh. Because they couldn’t get to him I was the target.

One afternoon I was told to reach under the seat of the car I was sitting in, I started shaking & crying when I felt what it was. I was told to pull it out. I pulled out a gun and was asked if I would kill for my girls, I was told that was my protection and I may have to use it & if I did it would be all over, then I was told to hand it back. I was a total mess, I didn’t know what to do & I didn’t want to stress my parents out more so I spoke to a family friend & shared everything with him & his wife who convinced me to tell my parents all the things I had been told to keep to myself & helped me with advice on ways to go about things. Dad then took over the communicating for a while but then after time it was back to me. There were several more things I was told I could do if I wanted this all over but each option gave me more fear & if the tasks backfired these people would want me dead all the more.

I couldn’t take it anymore crying to God one night telling him I couldn’t handle this any more. I felt him say give it totally to me and let me protect you. I was at church one morning changing kiylas nappy, she always struggled and tried to crawl off and I said to her “what could take a few seconds takes a few minutes coz you won’t stop moving” I felt God say your like her not staying still and letting me sort this for you, if you stop trying to sort this out And just let me do it it will be over so much faster.

I realized I wasn’t giving it all to God by using this negotiator & I was using this guy as my protector when I should have been giving it all to God and using him as my protector and provider. I was reminded about the story of daniel and the loins den and shadrack meshack and abendigo and how in their situation they stood up for what they believed and gave it all to God and trusted he would help them through their trials. they did and they stepped out and God kept the lions mouths shut and kept them from harm in the fire so i took that step of faith and We thanked the negotiator for his work and told him we were gonna give it to God and let him sort it out as it wasnt getting any better & I couldn’t handle the stress of everything any more.

Since we have done that I’ve felt peace, I haven’t felt scared. I’ve known Gods watching over us and Gods been amazing and totally set me free of fear and stress. A huge weights been lifted off my shoulders and I’m starting to feel normal again and starting to get my joy back and slowly get my confidence back.

Dad made a final payment and asked the negotiator if he had told the gangs he was no longer in the picture helping us out and “protecting us”, he said he had a last meeting with them and everything was finished we were no longer targets. (which a few people had specifically prayed that the targets would be removed from our backs and the negotiator gave dad those exact words). I’ve been able to get on with life and feel like a normal person again.

God totally set me free and through prayer and counseling I’ve been able to forgive these people for what they have put me through . Ive learnt no matter what you face or how big or small it is give it to God and follow the path that gives you peace. If you don’t feel fully at peace about a decision don’t go there or put that path on hold till you do feel full peace.

I didn’t have a full peace when we used the negotiator but it was the path that made sense to me. Ive realized God often does things in the ways that don’t make sense and seem impossible He’s the God of making the impossible possible. I thought if I said were not gonna use the negotiator and we will just stand and see what God does that I wouldn’t be left standing. So I went almost a year down this path of fear and intimidation until I realized God just wanted me to give him my burden and he took it and carried it for me and has given me my life back plus blessed me in so many ways.

Im so thankful for the people God put in my life to help us get through all the mess. I’ve really found God and learnt to trust him and feel like I’m actually starting to know him, he’s not just someone who is up in the sky that we talk about hes fully real and actually cares about the things big and little and if we let him he will take care of us.

Watching movies along the lines of what we’ve been through make me so thankful again for my kids and life and family & for what we do have and thankful that we’ve been able to make a fresh start & that Gods helped us build our home & everything back up. He takes care of us in every way, He’s our protector & provider.
Here’s a reminder for me how God has taken care of us.

We were struggling financially & we weren’t gonna be able to get a Christmas tree (a family tradition) but God took care of it all. In one week kiyla started sleeping through the night, we were given 3 cans of formula, I was handed the money to pay off the rest of my debt for the car I sold which I didn’t receive the full payment for and was still making weekly payments to pay off. I had 5 days to get a new car as my car was going to fail it’s next wof & it was gonna cost more than the car was worth to fix, I got given a car & it had a full tank if gas. My credit card was maxed out and I sold my old car for the amount which I needed to pay it off (3 days before the minimum payment was due) and I got a $50 petrol voucher.
We were able to get a Christmas tree & I was able to put presents under it for the girls as I wasn’t trying to pay off my credit card or this car debt.

Now that’s what I call God taking care of us. You can’t call all that a coincidence & I know that’s exactly why God let it all happen in one week so I would know it was him.

Freely Given

April 11th, 2014

As a girl, raised in a large Christian family, my parents were faithful to make sure that we went to church every single week. They diligently read me the Bible and taught me to memorize Bible verses. When I was three years old, I remember hearing our pastor talk about hell and I was scared that I would go there when I died. I asked God to forgive me for being a bad girl and told him that I wanted to go to heaven when I died. I was later baptized in our church at the age of eight.

Throughout my growing up years I was involved in every possible type of Christian program or service that was out there. I went to church regularly, taught Bible classes for kids, played music for the church and worked at a Bible camp every summer. In my heart, I thought that I was making God very happy by doing all of these good things for Him.

When I was 15 years old, I started to experience a lot of guilt and shame over things in my life that I knew God would think were sin. I kept these sins well hidden. I didn’t want anyone to think that I wasn’t a good, Christian, girl. Good girls didn’t struggle with hate, anger and pride. Christian girls didn’t struggle with depression and anorexia. My secrets plagued me. On the outside I continued to teach Bible classes to kids, smile and go to church, but on the inside I wondered why I didn’t “feel” like I knew Jesus. Other Christians said that I should feel free, but I didn’t. I felt like a slave. I was stuck feeling like a slave to my sin and like an actor, pretending to be good so that others would think I was. When I prayed, it felt empty, like God wasn’t listening to my prayers. I tried to read my Bible, but nothing made sense. Sins that I kept so well hidden I would quickly tell God sorry for, but the next day I was back, making the same mistake all over again. I couldn’t be good on my own and I knew it. I began to ask myself, why I even tried to be good any more? Could it be that all this time I had not been saved at all?

I remember the scripture verse, Isaiah 64:6 had an impact on me. It explained God’sthought’s regarding my attempt to be good. “All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.” My “righteous acts” or “good works” were like a filthy rag compared to how good and pure God’s standard was. Also, Ephesians 2:8-9 clarified the process of coming to a peaceful relationship with Jesus. It said, “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.”

I could never be as pure as God required.  I could never earn God’s approval. It was not through my good deeds, but through faith in Jesus. Another verse in the Bible also helped me see that what I really needed to do was to repent, turn away and ask God to make me new. “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,” Acts 3:19.  I began to understand that repentance wasn’t just saying I was sorry, but it was a total turning away from my sin and surrendering the control of my life to Jesus.

One night, in the year 2001, my pride finally broke. I understood that being a “good person” and praying a prayer had never saved me. I could never be good enough to earn my salvation and that is exactly what I had been trying to do. For years I had been trying to please my parents and other Christians around me, but had never been broken over my sins against God. Jesus died on the cross and rose again as payment for my sins. How could I ever be good enough to pay him back for something like that? That night, I stood in my driveway and looked up at the stars. Sobbing, I turned my face to the sky and told God everything. I shared all of my sins with Him and all of the hopelessness I had felt. This time I didn’t just say that I was sorry, I repented. I begged God to forgive me and change me forever. I was finally willing to give Him complete control of my life and I didn’t want to ever go back to my foolish pride.

After I prayed, I went into my house, tears still streaming down my face, and told my family everything. I told them of all my “secret sins” and that from now on things were going to be different. I don’t know if they understood, but they listened.

From that day on, my life was never the same. My heart longed to know and understand God better. When I read my Bible, the stories were exciting and began to make sense! It was almost as if I were reading the Bible for the very first time. The sins that had once had such a strong grip on me slowly began to fade. My depression was gone and my anorexia disorder began to slowly improve.

The Bible says that when we give Jesus control of our life, He cleans us up and takes the sin away. Psalm 103:12 “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” I was finally free from the guilt my sins held over me and free to just be a child of God without the burden of trying to earn His forgiveness or love.

Now, I live for God and serve Him out of love and gratitude. Even though I still make mistakes and my pride might still raise its ugly head at times, I’m thankful for true freedom and that I don’t have to try to earn love or forgiveness from Jesus. His forgiveness is a free gift that I don’t deserve, but I’m ever so glad to have.

My life before becoming a Christian:

When I was a little girl, my grandmother took me to church every Sunday.  Although I went to church but for the most part I usually just slept on my grandmother’s laps.  Until the time I grew up and continued to go to church, all I really knew was that I’m Baptist but nothing else.  I didn’t understand why my grandmother took me there, I didn’t know who Christ was, didn’t even know how I came into being.  Going to church was just a routine for me.  I just tag alongside with my grandmother and family.  Church didn’t have any effect on me at all.  The worst reality was that even when I grew up to be a teen I still just a church goer.  I received a baptism but didn’t know the purpose of it.  I still just lived my live doing what I believed that would make me happy.  I was selfish and just want to live and to enjoy life as much as I can.  I even remember there was an incident that happened long ago, when I saw someone who was so devoted to their belief; I literacy said to myself, I would never be that kind of person.  All I really think about was that I did my part already by going to church and worshiping with others believers.  I thought to myself only a heretic would go so far in theirs belief.  Before I knew Christ my life was a mess and inadequate.  I don’t even know if I’m able to describe how I felt back then.  Within my heart I always felt like I’m missing something.  I usually would try to search for happiness through hanging out with friends and doing entertainment like watching movie all day long to make me happy.  I used to hold grudges against people if they treat me wrong.  In my own theory if someone is mean to me, then I have every right to treat them the way they treat me.  When it comes to friends I used to look out for friends that would bring me benefits.  I like the kind of friendship that I would get a benefit from without giving out my part.  But on one special occasion my life changed.

When I encountered Christ:

When I came to know Christ Jesus, I considered it was a life changing experience for me.  It was at a Christian summer camp that I encountered Christ.  After worshiped with other believers and listened to different sermons at the camp, I knew right then that what I really needed was a Savior.   Finally I was able to understand that there is only one person that can fill the emptiness in my heart and that person is Christ.  Thank God that He has opened my heart so I could receive him.  Thank God that He has allowed me to know that my life would be meaningless without Him.  It was at that moment that I received Christ into my heart and knowing that I’m a sinner and I needed forgiveness.  I also knew at that time that without Christ my relationship with God the Father can’t be restored.  I even experienced the thought that can Christ really forgive me for everything I had doneCan He really make me new again? All I can say is that the answer is YES He can.

After knowing Christ: 

After receiving Christ into my life, He has changed me dramatically.  I wasn’t selfish as I use to be, I wasn’t as self-centered as I was.  Now my way of viewing others people are different as well.  I can see that rather than want more and more benefits for my own I want to give others the similar blessing that I received from Christ.  He has changed me to be become more considerate of other people’s needs.  What also amazes me after knowing Christ was that I was not only able to truly forgive people that had hurt me for instance, like emotionally.  Christ allowed me to know and understand that if my sins can be forgiven then I could also do the same for people who hurt me.  I found that the purpose of my life is not just to live for my own, but to live for Christ by serving and pleasing Him.  Now I find that helping people and being a blessing to others is what true happiness all about; I want to use my life as a channel of blessing for other people as well.  Of course, after knowing Christ Jesus doesn’t mean that I’m perfect.  To be quite honest there are still many areas in my life that I still need Christ’s help to change me.  For example, I always feel like I’m desperate for Christ to continue working in me to help me set my priorities straight.  I feel that there are times when just my emotions get control instead of Christ, but thank God that He allows me to know the root of the problems so I can continue to depend on Him to teach and to guide me daily.

I am Philip from India. I was suffering from “Porn watching addiction” since age 13.  This means for the last 31 years I was in this bondage. I tried several way to escape from this sin. I am a believer and baptized, but satan is using me. I couldn’t pray properly; I couldn’t worship properly. I surrendered to my Lord Jesus Christ about this issue. Last Thursday church service (03/04/2014) on 9.00pm, my Jesus touched me.

Now I can control myself. I am delivered from those satanic porn watching addiction.

Trillions of PRAISE to my LORD JESUS CHRIST. HE is ALIVE, HE is trustworthy. HE is able to solve any impossible issues. Glory to GOD, Heavenly Father. Thank you JESUS.

After nearly 30 years of Porn Addiction, I am free. All I needed was the power of Jesus name. Praises, Glory, Honor and Power forever to the One True God who reigns on high! There is freedom in Jesus!

In the begining before I started going out with my ex, we both prayed and asked God to tell us if this is what he wants for us, if we wants us to marry each other. The answer we got was “Be Still” I took that as meaning “wait for further instructions” if it was no, then why would god say wait for further instructions, he would just say no. So we ended up getting into a relationship, her best friend who is a prayer warrior and older woman said that one day as she was cleaning her house, God dropped into her spirit that me and her are to be married. That told me that was the instructions we were waiting to hear, plus my ex tells me that if her parents give us the blessing to be married, then its gods will that we are to be married because that is what she prayed for, that the man they give their blessing to is the one for her. So I got the ring and we were engaged.

However, before and after the engagement, we were having arguments, more then once we almost ended up breaking up because my ex would tell me that she needs time to think and let me know whether or not she wants to be with me, and this happened more then once. We ended breaking up for a week and we got back together, it was her fault as to why we broke up. The arguments continued after that, a few months more passes and we end up breaking up again. Now I don’t know if she will ever come back to me, I’m thinking that in the beginning when God told us to “be still” that meant don’t get into a relationship yet, I have to work on you both. Now that we didn’t listen and went ahead and got into a relationship, I wonder if we messed up God’s plan for us to be married.

Now we are not together and being counseled now by both our pastors. She does not want to talk to me, and her parents and her want me to stay away and have no contact. She’s working now on forgiving me, and both me and her are being counseled now and trusting in God to help us get more healthier individually.

My question is that, did we mess up God’s plan for us to be married, I mean even after this, if its god’s will for us to be married, can it still happen, or did we mess it up completely by not being still like God had told us?

I had a pap smear done when I became pregnant back in September 2006, the Doctor told me my results came back with abnormal cells, and that I needed to keep an eye on it. Really though I didn’t understand the importance of what he said. After I delivered my son, I had an IUD copper T birth control put in, I was married but wasn’t sure when I wanted to have another child. My marriage became unstable, I became a single parent, and I put my health care on the back burner, but tryed to always make sure my son was taken care of. Well I eventually made an appointment for myself to get a pap smear and my IUD taken out, after waiting 8 years, (believe me I have learned a valuable lesson, that even if I have to take a few days off from work to take care of myself that’s ok, I can’t keep putting things off until I think its the right time BC its not going to happen life is always going to be having something going on but you need to take time out for yourself so that you can be there for your family).

Ok back to my pap smear that took place 11/15/13, I went in they took the pap test and my IUD out, and I didn’t plan on being sexually active so I declined anymore birth control. About two weeks later I received a call telling me that my pap results came back abnormal and that I have a high grade hpv infection, and that I needed to make an appointment to get a biopsy done for displacia/cervical cancer I called and made an appointment for after the holiday season. My IUD caused me to have longer then normal periods which also made it hard to schedule an appointment. My appointment was for 01/16/2014.

I went to my appointment and tried to help myself stay calm by telling myself that I’m doing this to take care of myself. The doctor when she first started examining me said she could see alot of displacia/hpv. They had a camera and a screen so I could also view what she was talking about.  I was scared when she said she was going to take not just 1 but 3 biopsies, (I had read online and also had a coworker tell me they aren’t fun). That and realizing that I had done this to myself by having pre-marital sex, and not getting annual pap smears done brought me to tears, well being examined. I was told by the doctor that normally a pap smear can’t pick up the high grade that I had but because of my IUD their thinking that’s why they were able to. I was told that it didn’t look like cancer but that I would have to wait and see with the test results, the doctor said I may need a hysterectomy but that I could still look into adoption.

I asked the 3 ladies in the room to pray for me and I told them I was going to talk to the Pastor at my church about this, I new that God could help me out of this if it was his will. The doctor said I should get results back with in two weeks and that I was now one of their vip pashant’s so if I need to make an appointment that all I would need to do is call the clinic directly. After I left the room after everything was done, I felt numb, I thought why would God heal me when I brought this on myself, those were lies coming from Satan. I had a customer tell me the verse Isaiah 53:5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. I told her, that I thought that was for when we go to heaven, and she said no, she said “Hope when we go to heaven we will have brand new bodies that won’t need to be healed, this is for now well we are here on earth”  that got me thinking.

I had an elder at church approach me well I just sat in the pew (a few days after I had the biopsy) He went to shake my hand and he said “You are one of his” and I just smiled, he explained that he will be shopping at the store or out and about and God will just speak to him letting him know who is his, or one of God’s children, that made me feel good that God put it in his heart to tell me that I am one of his, not to long later on the radio listening to Klove I heard the song by Casting Crowns “Who am I” , God told me who I am, I am his. He will take care of me. The sermon that Sunday talked about when things are  not going so good in your life weather its your health, family issues, what ever it may be keep your focus and eyes on God.

I waited a full 3 weeks for the results, the doctor had a hard time reaching me so left a message on my result sheet. I called not knowing what the results would be, but I new it was in God’s hands because there was nothing I could do about it. She said I’m just going to tell you what Dr. Walker wrote down, all 3 of my biopsies came back negative for displacia and cancer, and that they wanted to see me back in a year for my yearly pap. I told her how I had been praying and how people and other churches were praying for me, I was like are you sure your reading the results right, and she said yes, and that God does answer prayers and that God had heard mine :)

I listen to Klove a lot, and well I was waiting for my results, I would be listening to it and crying my heart out well driving to work, it also helped a lot and listening to the encouraging story every morning :)  I wrote this testimony so that other people would learn of God’s awesome Grace. I had a lady, an elders wife pray with me and anoint me with oil, after I read  the verse James 5:14 Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. God healed me.  God Bless :)

Heaven Revelation

April 1st, 2014

On Oct. 1st, 2012, while sleeping in my bedroom, I had a series of demonic attacks. The first attack is hard to explain. I was sleeping, yet it seemed like I was abruptly woken up. At the time I did not even realize I was still sleeping because everything seemed real. In the dream, I was lying sideways on the couch in the living room of the duplex I lived in. As I laid there, I couldn’t move and I saw a dark shadowy figure standing directly beside me. I knew this was a demon because since I was a teen, I have had multiple demonic attacks in my sleep. The demon didn’t move and didn’t say anything. I had a feeling of fear take over me. I kept attempting to say “In Jesus’ name be gone!” over and over again. However, because I couldn’t move at all, my speech was slurred and indistinguishable.

After what seemed like a very long minute or two, and after repeating the command over and over, the attack finally ended and the figure disappeared. Then, moments later (still in my sleep) I was now in my bedroom where I was actually sleeping. Now again, a demon was standing by the side of my bed. Although it was completely dark in my room, I could see the dark mass of the demon. This time I did not have any fear of the demon and a new found confidence. I started laughing and mocking the demon. I said to the demon (doing my best to talk without being able to move any part of me), “You want to torment me? I feel sorry for you! You have a much worse fate than me! I am in the Father’s hand and no one can take me from Him!” It was then when I awoke at around 4am. I was relieved to have the attacks over and to finally be awake, but I also had a very strange feeling. I somewhat felt bad for mocking the demon. From all of the times I had been attacked in my sleep I have never had that reaction to a demon. I was thinking, “Is that even okay to do?” I then got up, went to the bathroom, and went back to bed, still pondering all that had happened.

Once I fell asleep, I experienced something unlike I have ever experienced before. I had a revelation that I was in heaven and God the Father was with me. I could not see Him, but I knew He was there. It seemed as though He was above me and all around me. I was in a place that looked much like the Safari in Africa. There weren’t any animals or any other people, just trees and a mountain off in the distance and tall grass all around me and stretching as far as I could see. It was bright a sunny day: however, I didn’t notice any sun. As I was standing there, God gave me the understanding that this was heaven and in heaven there are no worries, no cares, and the only thing it is about is Him. I call it an understanding because it was as if God were talking to me, but not verbally. It was as though he was giving me understanding and I was saying it back to myself to put it in words. I remember very distinctly the phrase popping into my head as I was given the understanding, “It is only about Me.” As God was giving me this understanding I was filled with joy. I don’t have words to describe what this joy felt like but it couldn’t compare to any joy I have ever felt before.

I was also given the understanding that when we are in heaven we are there to praise and worship Him, but it isn’t only one-sided. By praising God, you will have this indescribable joy and it will be your desire to worship Him. As I was overcome by joy, I fell down to my face and worshiped the Lord. I had no other choice. The joy was so overpowering, I had to express my gratitude at this glimpse of a merciful, caring, and loving God.

Needless to say, when I awoke, I still had remnants of joy, and it carried over throughout the day. The following days, I pondered heaven and, selfishly, really wished I could get this life over with and be in heaven with the Lord.

1 John 5:9-13
If we receive the witness of men, the witness of God is greater; for this is the witness of God which[c] He has testified of His Son. 10 He who believes in the Son of God has the witness in himself; he who does not believe God has made Him a liar, because he has not believed the testimony that God has given of His Son. 11 And this is the testimony: that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. 12 He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. 13 These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life,[d] and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God.

I Saw Jesus Crying for Me

April 1st, 2014

About ten years-ago, I was sleeping at my parents’ house, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I saw what appeared to be a man crying, as I peered in closer to see who this was and why he was crying, it hit me, “This is Jesus crying for me;” now, you may want to ask me the following question, “How do you know that it was Jesus that you saw crying for you in that dream that night?” And the answer is that I know that it was Jesus that I saw crying for me in that dream that night, because once I realized that it was him, I immediately woke up, jumped out of my bed, and got on my face, in fear and trembling, for what must have been at least ten minutes; now, if you do not believe that what I am telling you is the truth, then let me ask you a question, if that was just a mere man that I saw crying for me in that dream that night, then why did I respond with fear?

Prayer Please

March 29th, 2014

Dear All,

I am sure some of you have read my posts and you can see that I started off not so well in my relationship with the Lord but I have become much better. Anyways, I am finally in my last year of college and like I said in my old post, the lord gave me a new major. I have been doing so well and I am so much at peace and enjoying my academic experience. I am glad that he rescued me just at the right time. I have even grown so close to the Lord and I am  very proud.

Since I am in last year of college, I decided to apply to a graduate programs in community health which I have always wanted to do. I did not have enough funding to submit more than 3 applications. I had the grades and everything. I sincerely went to the lord and prayed for his help. I wanted to know one school that I would get into without having to waste money on other schools which would reject me. I had 2 schools that I knew I would get into and I had one prestigious school I wasn’t sure of but chose to apply there. I prayed and the lord instantly answered that very moment. He gave me the prestigious school which I was not too confident. I was so scared but I remembered that sometimes God wants us to do things that do not make sense so he can show us his power. I ask God for a sign just like David in the bible did and the very next day, someone in my class wore a T-shirt with that school name. I put the application to that only one school and remember this is the biggest risk one can ever take but I did it anyways.

I kept praying and praying. I finally heard from the school and it rejected me. I cried so hard but I kept saying God’s mercy endures forever and the Lord gave me the bible verse that says that the Battle I not yours but His. He also gave me, Hebrews 11 verse. All this, I believed the Lord was talking to me. I continued to see many people wear shirts of that school name and even on cars. sometimes, I would just laugh because it became too funny to see the school name that God had promised me even on random places. One pastor in church even mentioned the name and the other day I went to church and I saw one guy wearing the same school name. All this really would not be God playing games with me but I believe he is showng me that he is still in control.

I have struggled with my faith but I have never had to hold God’s hand so tight ever in my life. I am doing just that right now. I believe that he did not trick me because the devil is the only person who does that. God rewards the faithful.

Now, my brothers and sisters, I need you all to help me stand in faith and believe that our Lord is forever faithful. the devil probably set me up or something and I know God will deliver his promise to me. I am too confident because I see the school name almost every single day. I believe God is fighting my battles. Please help me stand in prayer. Even if God delivers the package but with different stuff I will always be grateful and give him all the praise. God can not give me what I cannot handle.

Please pray for me. I am graduating in a month and I do not want to be stuck. I believe God will deliver at his time. I will share with you what the Lord is going to do. Thank you.

I just recently broke up with my fiancée, and I’m regretting it, for the longest time ever since the relationship began back in November 2012, there have been issues, the first issue that came up was when one day I was texting her, in one of her texts to me I could tell that there was something wrong. I asked her if she was ok, she told me yes, I then asked her if she was sure, she ends up getting upset and telling me that when we meet up later we will talk. She tells me that she didnt like that I was asking her more than once if she was ok because she sees that as controlling behavior, her friends ex-boyfriend did that, he would ask her the same thing, then became controlling afterwards. I apologized for it, she tell ms that if I do that again, then she is ending the relationship. She had told me two other times that if I do a certain behavior that she will end the relationship, this all happened when we first started to go out. Then there was one time when I was invited over to her house for thanksgiving for the first time, she was really nervous about me meeting her extended family, I told her it was cool that I was coming over, I have not been in her house since 2009,she was telling me that it was not going to be a regular hang out, this is her family that I will be meeting, and there will be no PDA because her parents will be watching. I was taken back wondering as to why she is reacting like this, this was before we started to go out, we have not even kissed not even once, so I didn’t know why she was like no PDA, I didn’t like how she was making me feel like I dont know how to act when it comes to meeting family. We ended up becoming boyfriend and girlfriend after I asked her father for permission to start courting his daughter, 2 days later we celebrated, everything was cool, we went to the city, all was good. Then 2 days later after that, she tells me that she feels that we are going to fast in the relationship, I asked her why she felt this way, we have not kissed yet, I would tell her how I felt for her, which was that I liked her a lot, was hugging her, holding her, things like that, I was being extra careful to not make her feel like we are going to fast, so this frustrated me because I was extra careful. One day while I was at church I saw her and asked her if it was ok that I drive her to church the next day for Sunday service, she told me that it would be good, she just has to find out what time she has to be at church, she is one of the worship leaders, and our church at the time has 3 services.

Everything was good the entire day, but I wondered why it was taking long for her to tell me what time to pick her up, I’m pretty sure that her choir director would have told her by now, so I texted her and asked her what time to pick her up. She tells me that she already has a ride, I was surprised, I let her know that I wanted to give her a ride so that we can spend time together. I didnt hear from her until the following day, she texted me early, letting me know that she wanted to talk so that me and her came understand each other. I called her we spoke, she was telling me that she didn’t want to move any further until we have heard from God. I was surprised at this because we have agreed to court each other and while praying and waiting for God to give us his answer. Then there was other things that she was saying as to why she felt that she could not continue with the courting, none of it made any sense until I felt that she was saying all these things because she was scared of losing me. So I asked her if she was scared that I was going to walk out on her, she started to cry and admit that she was afraid of messing up the relationship and that I was going walk away because of it. Or just walk away and not stick around. I kept trying to assure her that I would not do that, the next thing to happen was that at her job, there was an older man that is a leader at a church who she has talked with a lot about bible lessons. She tells him that she is in a relationship, he is happy for her, but then the next minute tells her that he loves her. This offended me and got me upset, she instead of understanding why I was upset tells me that I should not be upset, men can give her information but it depends on her what to do with the information, she understands why I would be upset, but she is not a piece of property, but to trust that she will handle the situation and for this older guy to say what he said looks bad on him. I’m like ok, but I should have a right to feel ok with my reaction, I said in my reaction that this guy is offending my relationship, she didnt like the fact that I said “my relationship” because it made her think that I was claiming her as a piece of property. To make this long story short more then once during the first half of our relationship we would somehow get into an argument and then she would tell me that she needs time to think to come to a decision of her being with me or not. I would not want to argue with her for just that reason, but somehow the arguments would happen, her telling me more then once that she does not know if she wants to be with me or not brought a fear to me, that even to this very day I still have. One time we were not even in an argument, and this woman that does not even know me but I would see around for years, we never even had an conversation, not even a hi and bye, comes to my ex fiancee and tells her that I have anger issues and that I would come in between her and the ministry that God is planning for her. My ex comes to me and tells me that because of what this woman says it makes her wonder about this relationship, this got me upset because if you love me, why believe someone that does not even know me. She tells me, because this woman whenever she tells her things, its true. Things were looking bleak for the relationship, until one day she had to go to the hospital, she has diabetes and her sugar was pretty high. I was by her side every day, from morning to the night time, she tells me that I showed her and proved to her that I will be there for her no matter what. Her hospital say made me get closer to her parents, and they started to see me like one of the family. After getting out of the hospital, things were fine, but still the arguments would happen, nothing really bad, just disagreements. Then one day an old friend that she use to like contacts her, his fiancee broke up with him so he comes running to her for advice, they have known each other for 20 years, and whenever there was problems he would always come to her. So she was helping him with his problems, she would tell me about him, but there was a conversation that took place between them that she never informed me about. He was asking her what she was doing on a Friday night, she told him that she could not because she had to be at her church and was meeting up with me. He had let her know what was he wanted to invite her to his church, she tells him that she would let him know. I felt that something suspicious was taking place, I then went into her phone and saw this conversation that happened on a Friday, she was planning on talking to him when I drove her home, and told me nothing of the conversation. She lied to me when I asked her if this guy ever invited her to his church, it was bad, then she kept on telling me that all they are is friends, something was telling me that this guy wanted more than that. Later on because of him, we ended up breaking up, it lasted a week, she comes back crying to me telling me that she is sorry, that it took her parents and praying to God to show her that she was wrong for what she did. Then there were other arguments that occurred after that but this time she would not take time out to think to see if she wanted to be with me or not. It was not much of a relief because I was still scared that she would tell me that during the next argument, plus she made me feel wrong for having that fear to begin with. She tells me that I’m insecure because I have that fear, I tell her why I feel that way, she gives me no assurance that she would never do it again and expects me to not be scared.

The other issue I had with her was her telling her parents the details of our arguments, she would not tell them everything but only some things, but only when they would ask her, the thing is they always did ask her because they know there daughter and can see when something is bothering her. After hearing from her about the fighting going on and the details of what was being fought about, her parents removed the blessing they gave us to marry, because they didn’t want their daughter to go through anymore. In removing the blessing concerned me because I know it would influence their daughter who tells me that if she does not get the blessing she cannot marry me. Her parents removed the blessing, but she stayed with me in hopes that they would change their mind, they eventually did, but they gave her a lot of conflict for staying with me. One day she went back into the hospital due to over working herself again from work and church, I was there again with her by her side, her parents were accepting of me again. After she gets out of the hospital, more arguments break out again, we come together again, until the very end as to what happened now. This past Friday night me and her get into an argument, she says some things that I didn’t like. I get upset at her until she hung up the phone on me, from then on we were texting each other, she tells me that she will lock and save the text messages. I never asked her why she locked and saved them, because I didn’t think of it. The next morning we are talking again, and for the first time she apologizes for being wrong in what she told me Friday night, we talked some more about things and I took her wrong in one things she was telling me, so I got mad at her, she ends up crying telling me that she is doing the best that she can, starts to get mad at me. Then when things calmed down she goes to the bathroom and sees that her sugar is way high, thank god nothing bad happened.

We later go out to actually have our date that we have been planning, we go to the beauty shop as we are sitting there, I remember when she said that she went to lock and save messages, I then asked her why she was doing that, and she said that just in case her parents ask her what our argument was about she was going to show them the texts, I don’t know if she still planned on still doing that or not, but I got upset about her still wanting to share personal things about our arguments with her parents. She goes upstairs in the beauty shop for them to work on her feet, she has her phone with her, so im texting her about what im not liking, she tells me that she feels there is nothing wrong with sharing the details with her parents, she does not tell them everything, I tell her still its my private business. She gets all upset and tells me to bring her belongings up to where she is because she is going to call her dad to come pick her up. I’m already fed up at this point, I go upstairs give her her belongings and im still cant believe that she thinks its ok to do what she is doing, someone that says that they love me, doing something like this, this hurts me and I didn’t do anything to deserve this. So I continue to talk to her about my problem with her sharing the details with her parents. She becomes dismissive towards me, telling me that she is not going to talk about it in the beauty shop. Granted she has a point, but from everything I have been going through I could not stop being mad and continued talking to her about it, finally I stopped, thought for a moment that this was it, I was going to break up with her, it did pass through my mind that later we could have talked about it, but it was coming with a price, the fact that she called her dad to come get her, was going to put the parents once again telling her to not be with me anymore when they for awhile were ok with it. And she will go home tell me she needs time to think if she wanted to be with me or not. I was afraid of going through that again, plus I was fed up, I broke up with her right there, I told her that I didn’t want to be with her anymore, that I deserved better and that she needs to grow up. I then ask her to give me the ring back, she tells me fine and as she was taking the ring off to give to me, but I was impatient from being so upset that I went to take the ring off her hand, she resisted because she wanted to give it to me, there was a 2 second struggle I get the ring but she thinks that I attacked her. She had her cell phone in her hand and I knocked it out of her hand, I didn’t touch her hand, just the phone, it fell into the other seat next to her. I usually don’t do things  like this, but because I was so upset from all that has been going on for most of the time I was with her that I just exploded and reacted in a way of knocking the phone out of her hand.

Now her mother always taught to stay away from men who hit women, my ex took this to the heart so much that whenever we got into fights, she kept thinking that I would be that type of guy. When I would prove my point while we were arguing, instead of admitting that she was wrong, she would go and say “I would not let any man walk all over me and this and that” this would hurt me because I’m not that kind of guy, and why would she think of me as being that kind of guy when I have done nothing but treat her like a queen.

I left the beauty shop with the ring, her dad was coming to come get her to take her home. The next morning her parents come to my house, to tell me that they want me to stay away from their daughter, and that they checked with the people at the beauty shop and they also say that I attacked her, when really I didn’t, it may have perceived that I did, but I didn’t. I tried to explain myself but her parents were not listening to me, her father tells me that he had a sermon in his heart that said that I was a Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, meaning I’m a nice person, but then I can be abusive too. I told them that their daughter is not easy to deal with, they said they understand that, but I dont put my hands on their daughter. They even said that I could have been arrested, so they want me to stay away from their daughter, no call, no texting, and that their daughter has had enough to as well. I asked them if they could leave a message for me to give to her, I asked them if they could tell her that when I broke up with her I didn’t mean it, the things I said I didn’t mean either, I was upset. They told me that they wont tell her my message because they don’t want her to be weary, like be pulled away and somehow come back to me when they dont want her to be with me. They said that they saw me as a son, and took me into their family. They also said that if somehow me and her are back together that they would not give us their blessing.

Three weeks ago I went to a prophetic conference, in that conference I was prophesied over, God said to me that he will take away some relationships and friendships from my life to put me in position to do his will. Then all of a sudden my relationship ends, I can’t even go back to my church because she is there, it saddens me. The church just started, its a house church with a very small group of people who got together, but the worship and the word is dead on to what I need to learn, the church also was prophesied over that it will grow very soon, and is strategically placed in the area that its in to help people in that area, I was learning, having fun, being a part of something that is doing the will of god, but then all this happens. The people in the church were people we have known for years, the pastors are my ex’s 2nd parents. I was going to get involved soon in doing things for the church, I called the pastor and he told me that he suggested that I don’t come back just yet, he wants me to call him and we could meet up, talk about things and he will send me his sermons to my email address, he said this may be a 2 month process, he will speak to my ex, and we will see about me coming back to the church, if I show up there, it will be awkward and the parents might send the cops or put a restraining order on me. He told me for now honor what the parents want and not contact her, but I wonder if me sending her a letter would be contacting her. She has one sister who deleted me from facebook and instagram, my ex deleted me from Facebook, this is just crazy. Does this relationship look like it was broken up by God like he said in that prophecy that I got, the person that propheside over me is definitly a prophet, he has propheside over others including my pastors who just got ordained at this conference. I do know that unhealthy relationships can become healthy relationships when two people work at it, but did this relationship have the potential in becoming healthy if me and her were to work at it. Does this relationship look like it came from God? We felt that it was gods will that we be married for three reasons, 1. her friend one day who is a prayer warrior, was cleaning her house and singing to God, then god dropped in her spirit that me and my ex god wants to bring us together for marriage and the 3rd reason is because my ex had prayedc that the man for her would ask her parents for her hand in marriage and the parents would accept. So I asked, her parents said yes and her prayer was answered, therefore God wants us to be together. She is 33 years old and I’m 36 years old, what should I do now, should I send her a letter explain to her how I feel and that I didn’t mean to tell her that its over and that I deserve better that I was only angry?

2. Does this look like a relationship that God took away?

3. Does this look like a relationship that God gave me and her?