Testimony Share

As children we think life is so hard, but it isn’t until adulthood that we
find out that the things of life get much harder. My name is Jennifer Zornes, I go by “Jenny” to most people, though. I was raised in a little place called Greenup, Ky. I had the most wonderful parents in the world, at least I think so anyway. Nothing could prepare me for what was to happen in my life.
All throughout my childhood my parents took me and my three older sisters to church every Sunday like clockwork. It never failed I would wake up early Sunday morning to the smell of biscuits and gravy. I would then have to go through the morning routine of bathing and getting dressed. At 9 o’clock it was out the door and off to the church.
I believed in God and everything that the Bible said or at least the ten commandments. I had listened to the preacher, most of the time. When I started getting a little older my dad started telling me that I needed to be saved, but I thought I go to church and I do what I’m told, so what else was I supposed to do. My dad explained to me that I had to ask God into my heart and ask for forgiveness for everything in my life. I was scared out of my mind, but I did it. From that point on no matter what I did I thought that I was still saved. However, I had been hiding a secret. One that would change my life forever. I was a lesbian.

When I was 15 years old I told my mother and father that I was homosexual. Oh my, the reaction I got. My parents were heartbroken. Understand I would never do anything to make my parents upset with me. I loved them both so much. They had supported me in everything, but this was different. They, then, told me that homosexuality was a sin. I hadn’t been told that before. Things like that was never talked about. I was so confused and started to realize no matter how much church I had went to, it didn’t matter I wasn’t going to heaven. I went on with my lifestyle anyway.

I spent the next few years partying and doing things I had never done before. But, as I got older I felt that there was just something missing. I had no idea what it could be. I was in and out of relationships, thinking that maybe I just hadn’t found the right person. But, I soon found out that wasn’t the problem.
I had just came out of a horrible relationship, so I decided to move in with my sister. I started going back to church and went back to the altar. That desire was still there though. Then, I got with my sisters best friend. I had been in love with her since I was a child. During this I was still attending church and trying to hide my sexuality. Satan had a tight grip on me and he wasn’t letting me go. I started to get another feeling that I had tried my whole life to ignore, I was supposed to be a man. So, I throw myself one step closer to the pits of Hell and go to a endocrinologist to start testosterone shots to alter my sex. During this I was still saved or so I thought.

A few weeks later my girlfriend, at the time, wanted me to go to her sisters church with her. So, I did thinking that I would go in and come out feeling the same way that I had always felt. When I walked into that church I felt the presence of God. The people were so friendly. You could just see that all of these people were filled with Gods love. I felt like I could be myself around all of them. So I made that church my new home. A few weeks later revival started. I felt God knocking at my heart in a way I had never felt before. I went up to that altar and that’s when I turned everything over to God. When I went back to my seat the pastor asked if anyone had a testimony, I stood up not knowing what I was going to say. I opened my mouth and said,”I have been going to a doctor to change my gender, but I am not going to go through with it anymore.” I thought what did I just say that was not what I wanted, but I thought if it was God that wanted me to say that I would just see what he had in store for me.

My ex-girlfriend and I decided that we could not be together any more sexually. We continued to live together, but as far as physical relationship there was none. We knew that a sexual or lustful relationship would not be pleasing to God. When I gave it all over to God that’s when it happened. God called me out. He put a calling on my heart so strong I couldn’t push it away. He was wanting me to minister to others. The fear was intense, but I knew that if anyone could bring me through it, it was him. I kept praying that God give me a sign to let me know that is what he really wants from me. On one Wednesday, while at a bible study, they were talking about the fact that when God calls you to minister that’s what you need to do. I felt a relief come across me. That was my conformation.

A few months ago the pastor and his wife asked me if I would give my testimony at a Women Ministry that we were having at the church. I told them that I felt God calling me to minister to others. It was like God was using this testimony to start off my ministry. I was so nervous, but I got up and gave my testimony. I looked around and almost every woman in the building was crying. It made me feel like my testimony was touching people.

Even though the things that mislead my life may not be what has a hold on someone others life, I still must let people know that the love of God can fix anything. By your testimony you will be known. God can help you overcome anything. A relationship with Jesus Christ is much more important than anything in this life.

I would like to give glory to God by writing about the Lord’s goodness and mercy.
The past few years I went through alot trials and temptations but nothing of it could be compared to what I experienced one morning. I woke up lying in bed, I had this strange feeling in my head. Lying there trying to figure out what this could be, because I never felt this way before. It was like I was going stark mad, like I could run through a wall because of the kind of oppression I felt. I tried my best to get my kids ready for school and by the help of the Lord I manage to take them to school. When I got home, I couldn’t stand it anymore, I broke out it tears before the Lord, asking Him to heal me of this. Immediately I felt Something touching the inside of my head, and the oppression left instantly. I was and am so happy for what the Lord has done and is still doing in my life. Praise His wonderful name.

I am a young aspiring lecturer and currently a teacher. I gave my life to children since the age of 19 to all ages. I have touched so many children lives’s and i am just 25 years old. I am sure you might be wondering what is my problem. Growing up I had an emotional past. My mother was a prostitute and died  of HIV Aids. We never had an intimate relationship and I have never seen my dad. I will believe that he was one of her clients. As a young person no one told me and I put all the pieces together. I was always the kind of person to be quiet, obedient and never let anything bother me. I buried it deeply and went on with life. I was always close to the Lord and I desperately wanted to make a difference in kids lives. The emotional pain started around the age of twenty two. I became depressed cried alone in secret places and I was silently angry. I realised that I blamed my mother for my life and I was ashamed to tell anyone about what she really died from. I was her only child  and  i ran away from  grandparents at the age of 14 because I hated it there. I went to stay later on with my mother’s friend and kids.  As a young adult I had trouble with men and kept things locked inside. No one knew what I kept inside. It seems as if the past kept playing a tune in my life and I could not go on. Now fear is in my life and I cant let go of it. Last six mths a bad memory came back into my life. I remembered when  was eleven i was going through the pain and hurt of losing my mom and i was a child still. I remembered playing with my little cousin who was about three or four, I cant even remember. I knew nothing about sex or dirty behaviours and I had the mind of a child but yet still  I took his genitals and put it  close to mind then put it back. I remember last year when this memory hit me I crashed, cried went in total fright and shock and I lost all hope. I blamed myself and grew guilt and shame. How could I? I am a teacher and I loved kids. This nightmare played in my head for months and I grew anxious nervous and depression. I had just became engaged and I was afraid to tell my fiancé or anyone because  I was scared of people accusing me of being a pervert. Satan used fear and drove it in me like a car but I never lost hope. I have finally told my fiancé and he looked at me and said ” It’s okay. God has forgiven you and he has put you in charge of kids. You are a great teacher” Although his words helped I needed to find it in  me to stop the fear and forgive myself. I have now fallen into special education major (bachelor of education) and i don’t know how I ended up there but God is the captain of my ship. I am getting married in two weeks but i still feel the guilt and fear seeping in me very often. I need to be free and i am tired battling with myself.  This is the first time that i am telling my story. I need my past to float away and my fears to go away but God is good. I will not stop loving kids or doing my mission. For anyone out there who can relate to my story please feel free to write back.

I want to take this opportunity to give glory to the Lord Almighty for His amazing love and grace.

I was a nominal Christian for many years. I attended church but I did not honour the Lord. Things came to a head in 2007 when I lost my promotion. I became very bitter and left the church, blaming God completely for everything that had happened. I spent the next four and a half years in the ‘wilderness’.

But the Lord never forsook me, never did He leave me. Surely He was with me through that terrible time. By His grace and mercy, i eventually came to realise how terribly wrong I was about Him, and I repented and returned to Him.

The Bible says in Galatians 6:7

‘Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.’

How true is the Lord’s word!

But the Word also says that the Lord will not despise a broken and contrite heart (Ps 51.17)! I am so thankful that He has restored me and drawn me back to Him, when I am even lesser than a speck of dust beneath His feet.  Though I’m thankful that He allowed me to go through that dark experience because it enabled me to mature as a Christian, it’s not something I’d care to repeat, for to live apart from God is to be ‘dead’.

Since then, I ‘ve been learning and growing in my faith…. my prayer is that He will refine me as gold and silver is refined, and lead me by the hand, in the way that I should go. Of course, there has and will be bumps and hiccups along the way, but I know now that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I am a ‘work in progress’!

I’d also like to give glory to the Lord for His healing touch on myself and Duchess, my pet pooch.

I first began suffering from urticaria in 2002. Visits to the doctor were unfruitful because skin allergies are hard to treat. The best that could be done was to control the problem with antihistamines and steroids, possibly for the long term. But I was concerned over the long term side effects of taking these drugs, so I decided to stop taking medication and instead, depend on self control to overcome the maddening itch-scratch-itch cycle. Suffice to say I lost this battle of wills many many times. However, since my return to Him, I began asking the Lord to heal me of this afliction and indeed He has. The itching just disappeared and my skin is now normal! Praise the Lord!

As for Duchess, well, she contracted Canine Distemper (CDV) at the pound. She was diagnosed quite late and owing to her small size, her chances of recovery were rather slim. Those two months were terrible, just seeing her suffer and waste away- her refusal to eat, the bloody diarrhoea, the hacking cough and of course, the characteristic hardening of her paw pads and nose…. But my sister, God bless her, laid hands on Duchess and prayed for her (I was in the ‘wilderness’ still, you see). And oh, how good and merciful is the Lord, I can’t say it enough! Dr G did what he could, of course, but surely her recovery is from the Lord, I’ve no doubts at all! Again, praise the Lord!

I’m thankful for the Lord’s presence in my life and I hope my testimony glorifies the Lord and encourages others in their walk with Him. Amen to that!

For a long time I had been praying for God to bless me with a woman that loved me as much as I loved her, to support & respect me, who was beautiful both inner and outer, but above all to genuinely love me. Well needless to say he blessed me with everything I had prayed for, and brought her into my life. Now I was not a godly person when he brought her into my life, I was a sinful individual a backslider; however, through her I got saved and became closer to God. We were together for a year and a half when one day she was broken and crying and told me that a family friend prophet had gone over to her house and prayed over her and suddenly told her that she was not in a godly relationship and that it was imperative for her to make a promise that night to break off the relationship. So needless to say she did… This was in December, she did not go to work for a couple of days because she was so broken over what she had to do. We did not speak for a couple of weeks, but then came back into each others lives for a while; however, she was broken between loving me and making the promise that she made to God that one day she told me that she had to do what she had to do. It has been several weeks that I have not spoken to her and it’s tearing me in two. I know that I don’t understand Gods will in my life, but why would he feel that I was not good enough for her? I don’t get it? I have never been loved by a woman the way she loved me. She was the best thing that has ever happened to me, doesn’t he want the best for me? I’m just so confused… There are times when I want to be upset at God, but I realize that his ways are not our ways and that I can’t see the big picture like he can, therefore I don’t understand. But this hurts so much. I pray for her well being everyday and I pray for God not to let her forget about me or not to let the love she has for me in her heart to fade away. I just don’t understand why I’m not good enough in Gods eyes for her. Can someone please help me understand this? Not only has this broken my heart & soul, but also has me questioning myself.

How do I even begin to write the story of my faith?  Well I have to start somewhere. (I apologize for this being super-long, but I feel it’s necessary).

I grew up in a Christian home, although definitely not a perfect one.  My father has long suffered a mental disorder of bipolar that unbeknownst to me at the time would afflict me as well someday.  Things were tough growing up, never knowing if my dad would be up or down or scream at us or make us laugh.  There were many nights my older sister and I would cry ourselves to sleep because of the cruelty of my father.  My mother took a backseat and was very passive when I was growing up.  I was unable to stand up for myself to my father.  He viewed any disagreement as rebellion and disobedience in me.  Sunday mornings were not joyful at all.  It was a painful process getting ready to go to church every Sunday.  There was no choice at all; we were forced whether sick or the weather was bad, come rain or shine.  As a kid I was extremely restless in church and unable to pay attention or absorb anything the pastor would say.  I came to view church and Christianity as something painful that was forced on me.  Is it any wonder that I would stray at my first opportunity?

My parents finally divorced when I was 13.  I was heartbroken.  Even though my father could be emotionally abusive he was still my father and I longed for the family I once knew.  My sister was abused the most because she was the oldest.  By the time my parents divorced she had attempted suicide and was anorexic and bulimic.  I remember knocking on the door while she was in there throwing up and begging her to open the door.  She wouldn’t of course, and that also hurt me.  My sister I had grown up with and loved so much was so emotionally destroyed that she was a shell of her former self.  She entered in and out of psychiatric hospitals for several years while I was a teenager.  By the time she was 20 she became pregnant and was adamant about keeping the baby although she wasn’t married.  She has said many times that her son is what has kept her alive even though she struggled to provide for him through the years.  I pray for my sister to this day to come back into the loving arms of our father God who is the perfect unconditionally loving father that we never had.

I was around 17 when I first sought treatment for depression.  I had an extremely negative attitude and very low self esteem.  I felt extreme anxiety at all types of social activities which was a hindrance for someone in high school whose life revolves around social activities.  I had gone to a Christian school from kindergarten through 8^th grade, so when I switched to public school in 9^th grade it was a shock to me and I didn’t have many friends.   A lot of people in my new school had all grown up together and known each other forever.  I sat with the “rejects” at lunchtime.  And that was truly fitting for me because I really did feel like a reject.  By the time I entered high school I had gotten to know more people although never “popular” but I joined the cheerleading squad and then met my best friend Maureen who was my best friend for probably 15 years.

I think the majority of my high school days were painful for me because of my anxiety and low self esteem.  Someone would compliment me for how I looked but I couldn’t really accept it.

I was still that lost little girl looking for acceptance in all the wrong places.

By that time my mother had remarried a stepfather who all I could see was a replica of my father, harsh and a disciplinarian.  And it was the same old story.  I COULD NOT disagree or I was shut down and talked to harshly.  It was “his way, or the highway”.

At the first chance I got I left home and went out on my own.  I was supposed to go to college in NYC but my parents decided they couldn’t pay for it, so they left me to fend for myself as far as college and a career goes.  I went to community college for a little while but stopped shortly after, not finding any major that really kept my interest.

I began to waitress, but that was a disaster.  I was an emotional wreck.  I would cry at work because of my depression.  Around this time my dad came back into my life.  I thought he was a changed man; he was so much more mellow and kinder.  I still wasn’t open to hearing about Jesus although I pretended to be.  I think he knew better.  So I decided to take a trip to California with my dad to move out there.  The idea of just picking up and leaving and starting over really appealed to me at the time.  Also my dad was in a sense my “savior”.  Also around that time I met another girl who worked in the same store I previously worked in that I had known in high school.  We became extremely close, very fast.  She was a devoted Christian and I was open to hearing about God through her.  I was even starting to possibly get closer to becoming really saved.  But then our friendship was cut short by a disagreement because I felt she started bossing me around.  It was another painful moment in a life where I felt like at every moment I was told what to do and no one trusted me to make my own decisions.

My dad and I headed to California by car.  I packed up my car with everything I owned and started a cross country road trip.  Things were going well until we finally reached California, then my dad forced me to go to church there and publicly embarrassed me in the church itself by saying some outlandish comments.  It was the same old story.  He was still my old dad rearing his ugly head.  He also had an episode while driving through the mountains of Montana, where he put us both in a very dangerous situation and drove on the blocked off lane of the mountain speeding past all the other cars on this mountain with zero visibility.  I was scared out of my mind and even though I was screaming for him to pull back to the other side of the road he ignored me and then started yelling at me harshly to be quiet!!!

Another thing that happened in California was my dad brought me to a Christian rehab type center for drug addicts and really messed up people and told me to go through the program because it would help me.  I was scared out of my mind.  They told me they would take my cell phone and for the first few weeks I would have no contact with the outside world.  Needless to say I decided against it.  When I take a look at all of this, it really opens my eyes to some of the reasons it took so long for me to come back to God.  I had so many really bad and scary experiences that were so far from the truth of what God really is.

I decided that I needed to get as far away from my father as I could, and also away from my heavenly father, or what I knew of him.  We drove back home and I was relieved to get away from him, but then I began out of desperation something I would battle with for over ten years which was working in a strip club.  It started off innocently enough.  I bartended and didn’t have to take my clothes off.  But when I started seeing how much money the dancers made I wanted what they had.  I coveted the money.  I was greedy.

So then began a decade long cycle of dancing, which at times I loathed and at times I loved.  I loathed the pain it caused me when I didn’t feel pretty enough or good enough but I loved the money and deceiving “attention” it gave me at times, false self esteem.  It was a roller coaster of emotions. I stopped and started back up many times.  I struggled to keep it a secret from people, especially my parents.  My sister knew from the beginning and recently she told me she regrets the night I first came home from dancing and she was over my house and I started balling my eyes out.  She wishes she would have stepped in and kicked my butt to go back home and go to school.  But at that point would I have really listened or just rebelled and did what I wanted to do anyway?

At about the age of 25 I was burned out emotionally and physically in every possible way.  I was dangerously close to suicide and as close to a mental breakdown as I have ever known.  I had been on antidepressants since being a teenager, but thanks to a prescription for Adderall for my ADD it triggered a manic bipolar reaction in me and then a deep severe depression that lasted for a whole year after a failed long term relationship.  I was devastated and actually was admitted to a hospital on Christmas day one year because I was suicidal.  Christmas was supposed to be a happy day and the contrast of what I felt to happiness made me feel suicidal.

I moved back home with my parents and the truth came out about my dancing.  You would have thought that during that time I would have really reached out for the Lord, but no I guess it was not his timing for me yet.  I believe I was so tormented by my emotions at that point I could not even feel God’s love in any way.  It was the worst year of my life and also the hardest.  Slowly, and I do mean slowly I worked at getting out of bed and began the challenge of going back to work even before I think I was really ready.  I was pushed by my parents every step of the way.  They simply would not allow me to sleep if it was not bedtime.  It was torture, but somehow I made it through and had many long tear filled talks with my mother.  She has been such an amazing blessing to me many times just listening to me rant and rave, and go on and on.  That was true love to do that.  She was willing to sit with me through my pain and just be there with me.  I felt like nobody knew the real me.  I felt like I couldn’t be “the real me” because my depression and anxiety made me a withdrawn shell of who I really was.  People would comment about how quiet I was and that really hurt me because I knew I really wasn’t a quiet person and didn’t want to be that quiet person.  I wanted to relate to other people but didn’t know how.

I started going to an outpatient program after I left the hospital.  It was there that I really started to slowly get better.  At first I thought what has my life come to; I’m surrounded by mentally disabled people and I even wished at that point that I was old and was jealous of my retired neighbors and wished I could be them because at least no one expected much out of them.  People expected a lot out of me.  I was young and my physical health was fine, but at that point I was pretty much hopeless. I felt ugly and like my life was over.  When asked my plans for the weekend I told the staff in somewhat of a joking manner I had plans to jump off the bridge.  No one knew the depth of my pain that I seriously did feel like jumping off the bridge.  At that point in my life the one thing that stopped me was it was winter so the water would be icy and freezing.  I didn’t comprehend death was forever, or if I jumped I most likely would be dead as I hit the water and would never feel it.  I just wanted to escape the pain I felt somehow.  Slowly as the doctor found the right “cocktail” of meds for me and through this treatment program I started to get better and even got a job at a local convenience store.

I progressed and got better and better.  It did take time.  I can’t stress this enough.  As I got better I never forgot what I had been through.  I learned to “live it up”.  The meds made me feel better, so much so that I went to the extreme.  I lived for the moment, enjoying every day.  But I was making the wrong choices and living in sin.  I had consequences of this sinful life.  I was unstable and flitting around like a butterfly living life on the edge, back to dancing and back to relationships and premarital sex and all the pain that comes with it.  I stayed this way the remainder of my 20’s, while my family increasingly worried about me.  I stuffed my emotions away, unwilling to feel any pain because of what I had been through.

Finally things progressed to what I look at as my rock bottom when I hit 30.  I went back to dancing one last time, out of desire for more money.  I worked a regular job in retail by day and danced by night.  I was burning the candle at both ends. But by this time my age as well as medication related weight gain and slowed metabolism, I wasn’t “what I once was” in an industry all about looks.  My money making was more sporadic than ever, and I was really alone and afraid.  Gradually I wasn’t able to maintain my regular job at this point because my dancing late nights was keeping me from getting to work on time and my job performance was slipping. So I made what at the time was the logical decision to quit my retail job and solely dance, big mistake.  I reasoned that even though I didn’t make as much dancing as I once did it was still more than the retail job, a lot more.  I lost sight of the value of hard work and chose what I thought was the easy way out, the smarter way.  Well that was a lie from satan.  He was seeking to completely destroy me.  I started using cocaine at that point for several reasons.  It became my friend when I was alone, and also helped me lose some weight and control my appetite.  But before I knew it I was completely out of control heading down the road of destruction.  I was lonely and desperate and started sleeping with random men from the club and partying as much as I could.  I was trying so hard to never be alone that I had backup after backup of men I could call to keep me company.  I even started briefly prostituting myself.  I figured if I was going to do it anyway I should at least get paid for it.

In the summer of 2011 I got arrested for a DWI. I had run out of coke and couldn’t find any, so I figured I would drink instead at work.  I left the club and was actually headed up to my sister’s house at around 4AM.  I couldn’t bear to be alone and was somehow keeping my drug addiction a secret.  Well, turns out I wouldn’t be alone that night anyway, but just not how I ever would have imagined.

I was pulled over and I was belligerent and did not cooperate, refusing the breathalyzer.  This led to being arrested and having my car towed.  The whole time I didn’t believe what was really happening.  I thought they would just let me go.  I didn’t think they would possibly arrest me.  They searched my car and by the grace of God I had cleaned out all my little empty baggies of coke the night before.  This was the most terrifying night of my life.  I was dead tired and drunk and scared.  That night there was no female officer on duty so they chained me to a bench and a male officer sat directly by my side.  I was so tired at that point.  Several hours had passed after they initially pulled me over.  All I wanted to do was sleep but I couldn’t on this metal bench, so I asked the officer if I could sleep on the floor.  He said I could, so slept on a cold concrete floor with one arm handcuffed to the bench above me.  At that point I broke down and started crying my eyes out and the officer didn’t even care.  It was really one of the lowest points of my life.  I was released the next morning and my sister came to get me.  You would think that that would have been a turning point for me, but no I went on a bender for a couple days with an ex- boyfriend who was a coke dealer who first introduced me to coke.  He is now in a maximum security prison for violating probation and getting caught selling to an undercover cop.

At this point I lost my license so I needed a way to get to work at the club.  I had the phone number of a guy I had met at the club who I thought maybe I could use and take advantage of for rides in exchange for sexual favors.  Even in my drug use, in the beginning I found him repulsive and could not do anything with him sexually.  That should have been a sign from the start.  He got me in the car and would lecture me and make me feel awful about what I was doing to myself and everyone around me.  This guy eventually became my boyfriend, although I wish to this day that I never met him, although what the devil intends for bad, the Lord turns it around for good.  He cared about me in the best way he knew how and I do credit him for helping me get off drugs.  But in the end it was me who did it with his help.  He started looking at me as his messed up little broken bird that he had to mend and incubate.  He started acting like my savior.  He became overbearing and controlling and jealous.  I went from complete freedom during those months to NO freedom and I became depressed and suicidal once again.  We were together six months and during those six months I was hospitalized twice.  It may have been the after effects of the drugs, but it also was the emotional abuse I suffered.  I felt suffocated by him.  The first time I entered the hospital I didn’t want to go back to him when I left.  The time apart gave me clarity into the nature of our unhealthy relationship.  But after 9 days I desperately wanted to be released so I tolerated going back to him reasoning maybe the abuse was all in my head.  After all I was the one in the mental hospital.  Things didn’t get any better and I checked myself in again a couple months later the week before Christmas.  I spent Christmas and the whole agonizing week after, and then New Years and a couple days after that, a total of 11 days.  These 11 days were excruciatingly hard.  Not just because I was depressed.  I had experienced that before, but because I felt powerless.  I made up my mind not to go back to him and adamantly expressed that to my family.  I felt like they didn’t believe me.  By that time my boyfriend had gotten their ear and told them EVERY SINGLE THING that I had been doing when he met me, as well as many lies about me.  He slandered my name to them, totally wiping away my credibility and any trust they had in me whatsoever.  They felt so hurt, like they didn’t even know me anymore and I was keeping everything from them. It took many months to repair the damage that had been done.  He had done such irreparable harm.  Only by the grace of God have my relationships with them improved and it has taken time to restore trust and it has caused me much pain and heartache that I don’t wish on anyone.  My most precious relationships that I held dearest to me had been harmed.

During those last six months with my boyfriend I had started going to church towards the end.  He went with me even though I sometimes felt uncomfortable when he would look at me as if to pass judgment when the pastor said something he thought applied to me.  But my heart was beginning to be opened again.  Something was happening in me that not even my abusive boyfriend could control.  Finally I entered into the hospital in desperation. I was feeling suicidal again and hopeless of ever being able to live a normal life.  In the hospital this time it was different, although much more difficult in some ways it was the pathway to the beginning of a healing process that is still in motion to this day.

God put some people in there that touched me in a way no one else could have at the time.  There was a worker named Ronald who remembered me from the first time I was there months back.  He took the time to really talk to me and encourage me into positive thinking.  He was not preaching to me but at the time that’s what I needed.  God knew what exactly I was in need of.  There was also another patient that was a friend to me at a time when I felt nobody really cared.  He listened to me and really gave me some words of encouragement and I felt like he really understood me.  There was also a group leader that encouraged me gently to leave any relationship that was abusive.   Also there was a lady who was a mentally ill believer who prayed with me for God to forgive me of my sins.  I was so confused at that time about God.  I didn’t know what I really believed.  But I just know I did feel better after confessing my sins and asking for forgiveness.  That just goes to show I really believe God can use anyone for his purpose.  I wanted something to hold on to and I was willing at that point and open to God again.

The real struggle lied in the fact that I didn’t have a place to go after I left the hospital.  My parents did not want me back.  My sister certainly would not at this point take me in.  I was rejected by my own family at that time.  People would ask me over and over about living with my family.  I asked and tried, but they at that point they were not willing to take me in.  The hospital made plans to put me in emergency housing that temporarily gave me someplace to stay until I could find something more permanent.  Only, on the day I got out I called the facility and they said they never even heard of me.  The hospital messed up, and left me stranded with no place to go.  My sister let me stay at her house one night only.  Then the next day by the grace of God I called and found out there was an opening at battered women’s shelter for women coming out of abusive relationships.  Only ONE opening and I believe God supplied that for ME.  At this time I had not much more than 3 bags of clothes, a pair of boots and a pair of sneakers.  I left all my possessions behind at my now ex’s house with no way of getting them back, but I had myself and I had my freedom.  I remember being in that room at the shelter and breaking down into tears being so grateful at that point.  Because I could finally see what was most important.  I had myself, and I was SAFE and I had what I needed.  I didn’t have much but my basic needs were supplied.  I was fed and there were staff that was always around to talk at all times.  We were never alone.  It was not a perfect place, and I had many struggles staying there in the month and a half I was there.  But they don’t seem so important now.  The main thing is that being there I had nothing but time.

During that time I fostered a relationship with my loving creator that I have learned to rely on because my life depends on it!  My ex had packed my bible for me among the few possessions I had left.  That itself was a miracle and I was so thankful to have that.  I believe God ordained that and stepped in to give me his word.  I immersed myself in it.  It has been the greatest thing in my life.  For the first time I realized that I could truly develop a relationship with the Lord, and he would tell me things and give me insight and clarity into things I couldn’t make any sense of on my own. I got a notebook and began to write what I was learning.   I can’t even begin to describe the changes in me that have taken place since I have really given my life to the Lord, placed my bruised and battered and broken life at his feet and given him my will.  I started attending a church within walking distance of the shelter on Sunday and went to prayer meeting during the week.  If the church doors were open I was there.  There, I met the most welcoming loving church family I ever could have asked for.  I believe it was meant to be for me to go there.  My relationship with the Lord has grown since then.  I have had some bumps in the road, but ultimately come back to the loving arms of my heavenly father who patiently waited for me, I believe, the whole time I was away.  I believe he grieved in his heart for me, but he patiently expectantly awaited the day, the perfect day when I would return to him and he would welcome me with out-stretched arms.  Since then, my parents have by the grace of God let me come back to live with them again, to which I am forever grateful and I have started a job working at that same convenience store I worked at previously after my depression.  It has been a thoroughly humbling experience.  I have gone to the depths of hell and back again I feel.  But I believe my life is a miracle and the fact that I’m here at all brings tears to my eyes.

Did I have to go through all of that to finally see the light?  I believe yes I did.  It is my personal story.  Everyone’s is different.  I have gone through the beginning phase of a relationship with the Lord and then fallen and started back again.  I have cried out to God and gotten angry at him and screamed and yelled and felt the relationship was one sided.  But I never gave up hope.  I think the one thing that has kept me trying is the fact that if there is no Jesus, if there is no God, then my life means absolutely nothing and it was all in vain.  And something inside of me, the holy spirit in me, makes me aware that this wasn’t all for nothing.  My life does mean something.  With God in my life, my life suddenly has a purpose and sweet meaning.  And I feel God’s undying love for me that touches the depths of my soul and brings me to tears.  How he could ever love someone like me.  The concept that he could somehow love me after all the terrible things I had done and abused my body, my very self and also others, is the one thing that keeps me going.  I could look at my life right now and feel bad about myself, and feel I lost everything and wasted the last ten years of my life.  But truly the way I look at it I didn’t lose everything, I may have lost my earthly possessions but I gained something greater than anything on this earth I could ever dream of possessing which is a relationship with the living God of the universe.  He has helped me in so many ways to heal and improve and make progress in every area of my life.  I could go on for days.  But I would rather you find out for yourself what God can do in YOUR life.  Don’t take my word for it. I want you to see for yourself.  And the last ten years weren’t a waste.  They have made up my story and were what it took to get me where I am today standing humbly before you.  And they have given you a story to read that perhaps you could be inspired by or touched or moved in some way.  If there is any piece you could relate to that could help you in some way I am happy to help and share with you.  I hope you find the same peace and love and relationship with our heavenly father that simply cannot be replaced with anything else in this world.  We are so desperately in need of him at every second of every day.  He is the very air we breathe.  He is always there waiting for you waiting for your eyes to be opened and sometimes things have to happen a certain way to make that happen.

Perhaps the most amazing thing of all was the fact that my relationship with my father that perhaps turned me off to Christianity was one of the very things that led me back to Christ.  See, life is so much more complex than you could ever know.  My father miraculously has been there for me through the hardest periods of my life.  I can see the love of Jesus through him.  He has never been perfect but he has been there for me sometimes when nobody else has.  And I forgive him for what happened in my childhood.  That is the power of forgiveness.  When I was staying in the shelter I talked to him EVERY night for a month straight.  He has inspired me in many ways.  He is a wonderful witness for Jesus and has been for his whole life.  Yes, he has had problems and hurt others unknowingly but who in the world hasn’t?  This testimony is not to put the blame on anyone.  If anything it shows how un-perfect we all are but somehow God finds a use for us.  So it really is true that the Lord has the final word.  God can turn ANYTHING around for his purpose.  He can make perfection out of rubble.

Note: I am 16. This is a testimony I shared at a Christian Easter camp in April 2012. I call it the cruise as it was a week of sailing. This was my third time on the cruise, and I was given the opportunity to share what God had done in me through it.

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Before the 2011 cruise, I was in a very bad place, and most of it stemmed from my relationship with my mother – or lack of. My feelings for her swung between hatred and complete apathy. I would avoid her, and if I had to talk with her I’d go out of my way to wind her up and put her down. If she complemented something of mine, I changed it. If I was in a play, she wouldn’t be invited to watch. It got to the point where, since she had a relationship with God, I didn’t want one. I knew He existed and loved me, but when I looked to Him all I could see was a link to her.

I stared self-harming as another way to rebel. Well, that’s what I told myself: it was also because I was hurting, deeply, inside. I didn’t know how to cope without God and without Mum, and I certainly wasn’t about to ask Mum for help, or a referral to a counsellor. Some part of me was still crying out, though, still fighting for a relationship.

That’s a bit of background. It’s still really hard for me to talk about. Anyway.

So I came on last year’s cruise and it was great fun, but for the first few days I still had my “wall” up, the fake, good, happy self I let other people see. The one that meant I didn’t have to get engaged with people, get hurt by people. I tried to keep it up between myself and God, too. Let me tell you now: that doesn’t ever work, for God knows our hearts and He will reach us where we’re at. But I’m getting off-topic.

It was Communion on Wednesday evening. And I don’t know how or why, but I began to reach out to God and let my wall down. I desperately, desperately wanted a relationship with Him, and He answered. He didn’t hate me for how I’d rejected Him. He loved me and rejoiced that I was beginning to come back.

He didn’t tell me everything was suddenly going to be perfect, either, because my old feelings of hatred and rejection weren’t going down easily. In the end I had to tell myself I’d build my wall again when the week was over; only after the feelings thought they were coming back was I able to push them away.

Am I glad that God came that evening! Without that breaking of my barriers, I wouldn’t have been able to let God work the next night. That Thursday during the talk, there was a focus on letting in the Holy Spirit to do his stuff, and on praying that he’d be with us when we went home. And the thing that the Spirit put in my heart was my relationship with my mother.

I was scared. The Bible says that fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, but I was terrified! I had forgotten how to have a good relationship with Mum. I didn’t know what it felt like to love her. I was afraid of the new territory opening up in from of me, and several times I wanted to back out. But the more I looked to God, the more I was able to know that He would help me and be with me. I was the Earth and he was the Sun, and there was his horrible black moon of hate that kept getting in the way. God was promising to remove it, destroy it, but I kept clinging on. I liked that part of me at the same time as wanting it gone forever. It was all I knew by this time.

However, I was not created to hate. No human is. I prayed with two separate leaders that night. I prayed for the ability to release the hurt. To let go.

And God granted that prayer.

At the end of the cruise, I had something I hadn’t had for months: I had a relationship with my saviour. And I had the promise that things were going to get better. I didn’t know what was going to happen when I got home. I had no idea what things were going to be like. But I was certain that this was right, and the Spirit was with me for every step.

I had the promise that things were going to get better. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, that old habits die hard, that by wall would try to rebuild itself. But I wasn’t going to let it. God wasn’t going to let it. It would be painful to build a relationship with Mum, but it was possible.

When Mum picked me up from the train station, I gave her a hug.

Now I’m helpful about the house. I seek out time to be with my mother, and I also give her space when she needs it. I do things because she’ll like them. She’s gone through a lot of stuff, and I admire her. She isn’t weak, and she deserves better than the resentment I had previously given her. I respect her and love her, though that has only been possible through God’s help. I have a relationship with her and with Jesus.

Things haven’t always been easy, but they have gotten better. And with this has come another gift, unlooked for but gladly received.

I’ve been free of self harm for over a year now. And it’s great.

Two years ago I would have been more certain than anything.

However, over the last two years, I’ve waivered back and forth in my mind–based on the way things looked at the time.

Now is one of those times when I feel absolutely crazy…but yet and still, I wonder: H0w do I REALLY know??

Ok, so what am I talking about?  Here is a link to where I posted my “situation” http://www.testimonyshare.com/can-you-relate/

If you didn’t feel like it, or didn’t get a chance to read it: it basically talks about a boyfriend that God confirmed to me, that him and I are “meant to be”.  We went back and forth for a year about the no sex issue…ended up getting together, “slipping up” and now I’m almost 6 months pregnant.

I want to say a combination of this pregnancy and his desire to buy a house and create stability for his “family” has sent him on a working spree.  He works so much now.  I admire him for his diligence, but of course, he’s not around anymore.  Plus, he has made several decisions that work best for him, but are clearly not in my best interest –moving out of the city, 45 min away, to be closer to his parents so that when his daughters come up for the summer, his parents can help him–is one.

Originally, he talked like he wanted to get married and had all these plans.  He even wanted, at one point, to go to City Hall and get married.  Well, I guess, fear settled in and he started to think more about it and got complacent.  So, I’m assuming that’s out.

My personal take on the whole thing, is that if he was serious and ready to try marriage–I would too, because as far as I was concerned, God had told me we were meant to be.  I’m not upset that we aren’t though, however it would be nice if he cared that much  about me, especially given my current state.

But now, I can’t tell if I’m just in the relationship because of what I heard God say.  I want my daughter to grow up in a family with a mother and father, but I’m not sure I can make it.  And I love him.  I really do.  But there are so many areas that I can see God needs to work on.  And, it makes me question what I heard.

Have I been a glutton for punishment?

Right now, it seems as if he’s not thinking of me at all.  He may be thinking of me conceptually (like including me in the reasoning for working hard and working towards his goals).  But he’s not thinking about the needs I’m articulating.  And it’s not just about things like spending time together.  But things like- going to a wedding (he says I just want to show off that I have a boyfriend), or meeting one of my Pastors, who happens to be like a father figure to me  (he says he’d rather go to work and make money than to waste an hour and a half just to say Hi to someone).  We had plans to go to church on Easter, and he texts me Easter morning saying that he wasn’t going to make it….and had no plans of getting together for dinner or anything.

The reality is, I know I have loved to the greatest of my ability. It has not always been reciprocated, but I loved any way.  Years ago I thought there was something wrong with me, but I don’t see it that way anymore…I am not perfect, but I have trusted God and believed what I heard him say.

Now I’m truly wondering if I got it right.  Maybe God meant what he said to me for some other reason than what I wanted it to mean.  When there had been other times where this had crossed my mind, I was reminded that I had to trust what I knew and not second guess… but I have never had to so greatly “suffer.”

I’m afraid that if I continue on, I’ll be in a relationship where I’m not appreciated, understood, valued, or even loved in the agape way.  And my unborn daughter too

I try to understand he isn’t an out going person, or that he has different ways of showing me love…but I wonder, is this it?

I really pray that God help redirect my desires toward Him and for me to allow His love to be sufficient for me.  That he would take away the hurt I feel from his actions and my actions that lead me into this situation in the first place.  I ask for peace and strength.  Please agree with me in prayer.

Thanks for listening (reading).

Hello beautiful people, I was lost for the past 23 yrs of my life and when I was told about our father, and about Lord Jesus Christ who sacrificed his life to save us all, I was very happy. God revealed himself to me a number of times. It’s been 2-3 months now, but I have started to lose faith. Somehow, I am now full of anxiety, hate, anger and mistrust. I don’t love anyone I feel. I have become extremely insensitive. I feel that I am full of jealousy I feel like I am fake now. There’s always pretense. I go out of the way to keep someone happy and then I start hating it after sometime.

I just feel sad that I am unable to bring myself in GOD now … which really makes me extremely unhappy.
But last night, I got a really scary dream. I saw myself getting angry like crazy about something i can’t remember and my head started to become extremely heavy and then numb. And i could not hear a word and i was getting dragged by my head. My mom was right there and she kept screaming and repaeting “whos there?” This is all that i remember and i wanted to discuss it with someone. But I don’t feel I can discuss it with any of my friends. I am seeking help from you all … I don’t want my faith to deteriorate any more, instead, I want it to grow stronger and be blessed by Him again.

I feel very lonely. I stay in US, faraway from my parents. I don’t have any good friends here with whom I could be myself. With whom I can discuss. With whom I can talk … like talk talk. I am not seeing anyone and…I don’t know. Things are just not fine here.

Please someone guide me, and pray for me. I don’t have the strength to bear this any more. I need your blessings and your prayers.
God bless all of you.

I need gods help. why doesnt he help me. My best friend broke my heart then betrayed me made up lies about me. I need gods light to shine and show im telling the truth. I need him im so lost i need to be resued from this sitiation. I’m so hurt wheres god I need him to help me to fix the mess I made I can’t do it alone.