It all started in 5th grade. I dint really know God that well and I actually dint give it much thought, I Hardly had any friends and was a loaner as such. One day while I was coming back home from school in the school bus I was sitting in the corner and keeping to myself when a senior approached me and said “hey kid .. which grade you in?”

I replied that I was in the 5th grade and he said ok cool don’t sit here all alone come join us.” I said ok cool ” I went and he introduced me to his friends (all of them were seniors and were like 2-3 years older than me). Now these guys looked nice at first treated me kindly and all asking me questions again very kindly (PS;- these things happened over a series of days and not just one , the first day I was shy and dint speak to anyone but that one that had approached me) so I was happy I finally and everything was all good until some of the guys started insulting me for fun I guess and I would not defend myself with anything. I would just take it.

This happened for a while now and the eldest of the gang (it’s not really a gang) came to me and said “Ok now I going to tell you some words and their meaning” and those were some harsh (yuck is a another way to describe it) words and he also said if any one something bad to me scold them back with this (me and him had actually a lot in common and I trusted him a lot) so after that one guy started bullying me again (with words) and I did use it against him and I eventually got really good with it and everyone would laugh at what I would say. And for the first time I think I experienced being popular and it was fun for a while until the eldest one came to me again and said “you should really start watching porn. Everyone does it. You try too you will enjoy it ”

I said ok why don’t I and after a while I was hooked on that too soon fell into a masturbation addiction I enjoyed it for a while and I didn’t know anything was wrong with it . (now its 2012 and I have had the addiction for about 2 – 2 and a half years now) one day during the summer our Sunday school was hosting something called VBS (Vacation bible school) where we go to church and learn about God it was a 12 day thing (continuously as it was summer vacation) and so me and my friends would go there and it was actually a lot of fun and I really enjoyed myself playing games and learning about God (especially that part because our teachers were great and they themselves had a lot of experience with their walk with God).

In the last classes when the program was coming to an end on the 10th day our teacher said ” Now I want all of you to give your life to God “we all agreed and so I said ” Lord I give my life to you” and when I went back home something happened I would usually just watch porn or masturbate and I did (something I’m not too proud of) but then there was just like this huge amount of guilt in me and something told me ” Ask God for forgiveness” and I did and after sometime the guilt would go and I would get tempted again and do it a again and it followed a cycle (what I did notice from it was that I did not find the will to use that foul language anymore and my will to throw a punch at people sometimes if anyone would hit me I would just hear this voice saying “walk away” and I feel my legs just move on its own which I thought was just like “Wow” but sometimes walking away hurts a lot inside and I used to cry sometimes and I was like beat till the ground).

One day it got too much for me and I said ” Lord last time I promise” and I failed to keep it I have done this many times trying to say I will stop but I never could . I have many empty promises to God like that and it would never work out for me this one time I remember being full of determination I had planned a full fletched escape route if I ever got tempted and I said ” ha! you won’t be able to tempt me now! I promise Jesus last time “and I would fail later :P.

Then there was a second point in my life where I thought I never fully gave my life to God and I said “Please forgive me for my sins Lord, I give my life to you Lord please –do only what is good for me Lord, in Jesus name I pray Amen” (see you can tell in the prayer that I did not really again fully give my life as I thought he wanted to do bad things to me) and so slowly my will to watch those horrible videos slowly went too … but I still would sometimes as I still had a masturbation addiction and so its 2014 now and almost having it for 4 and a half years thinking it would never go.

But on 26/5/2014 I said “Lord Jesus I give my life to you God take full control Over it, in Jesus name I pray, Amen” and then what happened was peace like no other peace and joy like I never felt before came upon me I thought my heart was just going to burst. I felt like I could feel my heart like really come out it was Just this amazing feeling and so that day I spent the whole time learning about the love and grace of God from a pastor called ” Joseph Prince” and I could feel the love there but the addiction was still not gone and something was wrong this time I could hear a voice in my head like going “Do it Do it !”and bringing random sexual thoughts in my head and I did and the guilt hit HARD and sometimes I would feel my whole day go away.

It was too hard for me to stop and I just couldn’t this went on for 3 months going on and on and finally I said “Lord Jesus it’s to powerful for me to do lord you please break that stronghold in me Lord, In Jesus name I pray, Amen.” And then on 6/8/2014 it just stopped suddenly just like poof , gone and I mean like it’s just so amazing ! What he did for me something that was with me for 4 and a half years! And that is a Long time Just gone in 24 hours (or maybe even in a second) and to tell you I have not done it till date by Gods Grace, Amen? And as for those friend of mine who got me into this I still keep in touch with them sometimes but talking to them is a little harder since my school changed in 8th. Now I have a lot of friends, good friends and it’s all thanks to my God, Amen!

And what I am trying to say especially to all the people who are having a similar problem like mine is that don’t think “oh this addiction will never leave and no matter how much I try I just can’t do it.” No! Stop trying by yourself and let God do it. Think “I can’t but He can!” as long as you try it won’t go … Let God do it for you, Amen? :D (Amen :D)

 

He Delivered Me

August 22nd, 2014

I was born in 1959, I was never very goods at making friends, I always found it easier to make friends with girls than boys. I sometimes played dolls with my cousin, and would play dress up with a girl at her house when I was in elementary school. I was molested in elementary school, that event in my life caused me to block out the molestation, I have since forgiven that person.

I continued to cross-dress and became confused about my gender-identity. As I got older I started dating girls, but I would always sabotage the relationship. After high school I had a few homosexual affairs dressed as a woman. I was smoking cigarettes as well as marijuana, and drinking at the age of 16. knowing I could get the alcohol at the liquor store because he sold to minors. I never really got addicted to drugs, and I had lost many friends and relatives to drug use.

I got married in 1996 the marriage broke up in 2000 when she walked out, she knew how I felt about drug use, and she was not willing to give it up. I started cross dressing again near the end of the marriage. By that time I had been in the hospital for health related problems.

In 2008, at the age of 49 I had my first stroke, as well as other health related problems, if it was not for the stroke I would not have given up smoking, or been delivered from my cross-dressing. I was still struggling with my porn addiction in the early part of 2014, I have been delivered from my addiction to porn.

I know as we get older we put away the foolish things we have done in our past. I have prayed for many years to be delivered, but was not sure I wanted to give it up to god. I am so thankful that God has been patient and has delivered me.

If there is one thing I have discovered throughout my life it is God’s grace and mercy to me. If you just look at the amount of times He was merciful in the Bible it will move you to new appreciation for Him. But here is my story of God’s grace…

CHAPTER 1

I was born to a father who was a former alcoholic who owned a beer distributorship. But something happened to him a year before I was born. He found Jesus Christ. Under the conviction of the Holy Spirit he knew he had to sell the distribution business even though it had made him a millionaire. My mother was the first to come to salvation through Jesus and she had been the one to lead my father to Christ.

They found a church not far away from where we lived in the little town of Hopewell Virginia named Woodlawn Baptist Church. Some of my fondest memories are from there as a child. We had so many friends there who were such wonderful people.

I was one year old when I fell on my head. I was crawling up the stairs in my parents’ huge two story house. My mother called out to me, but it was too late. She saw me at the top of the stairs just as I crawled through the metal poles that made up the railing.

She called 911 and I was immediately taken to a hospital in Richmond Virginia which I fail to remember the name of at this time. My good friend Earnie Thomas came to pray for me as I recall. He was one of the elders at Woodlawn Babtist. I survived. The doctors said it was a miracle. I had suffered a sever fracture in my skull, and it stopped just before my temple. I think my mom knew at that point that God had a special plan for my life. I’ve heard from my mother that I was prophesied over by a woman at Woodlawn Baptist. She said that I was holding a light out to a large group of people and that many were coming to the Lord.

My early childhood memories are ones of fondness. I had a best friend when I was growing up, Jason Bailey. His father had died in a car accident, hit by a drunk driver when he was very young, less than a year old I believe. His mother married a wonderful man, Jay Hays, a fireman who I always looked up to and thought was one of the coolest guys in the world. Both of Jason’s parents went to Woodlawn Baptist with my parents. Both of our mothers were best friends as well.

My younger brother Adam came along three years after I was born. He and I would become best buds as the years went on. He was a rascally child. I remember one night we had gone out to the convenience store, I think we were back from church or something, and I saw Adam with a couple of pieces of candy. He was hiding underneath a chair in our bedroom that we shared. I pointed it out to my parents and they found out Adam had stolen the candy. He got in huge trouble.

Adam contracted pneumonia while we were living in the basement of the new house my parents were having built. We were in the middle of watching a movie when I stepped on Adam’s foot. He began crying and I can’t remember what I said. I went over to talk to my parents and a few minutes later Adam came over. I said “Oh what is it now?” He said “I can’t breathe.” My parents immediately called 911 and the paramedics were there within minutes. I can remember seeing a bunch of our neighborhood friends directing the ambulance down to the house as it was a little hidden from the main road.

Adam and I really enjoyed playing cowboys and Indians growing up, back then this was still politically correct. One of our favorite movies to watch was Davey Crockett, and old Disney movie that many from my generation are probably not familiar with. We watched a lot of old Disney movies but were not allowed to watch the cartoons for the most part, because many of them contained magic and sorcery. Interestingly enough, my first memory of a movie as a child was the scene from Fantasia where the sorcerer comes out to meet Mickey. I remember being quite frightened of him.

My parents read a book called Turmoil in the Toybox when I was a child which prevented me from watching many of the movies and playing with many of the toys other children played with. We were not even allowed to play Nintendo. I was a good boy, so when my neighborhood friends would ask me to play video games I would decline, or watch movies that were not approved by my parents. The Ninja Turtles were the biggest thing I remember wanting to play with when I was a child, but my parents would not have it. So I actually came up with my own four turtles. I was an artist and loved to draw.

One time I remember wanting to sell candy in the neighborhood but I didn’t have any to sell. Kyle and Laura were two friends of mine who lived down the street, and I got the bright idea to draw out some candy and sell them to Kyle for 5 cents. What a surprise when he got paper candy and he had thought he was getting quite a deal to buy candy for 5 cents.

As a child I always had a sense of the spiritual world, and what represented evil and what represented good. Kyle and Laura had ghosts and goblins on the outside of their house at Halloween. One year I decide to tell them that this was evil and they should remove them. I was about five at the time. Another thing I distinctly remember is a toy of the evil sorceress from sleeping beauty that Kyle and Laura had. Toys have a very special place in my life as I believe they do in the lives of many people.

About the time I was age five my parents decided that school was not the place for me and that I would be homeschooled. This was fine with me for about the first 14 years of my life. What prompted this was an event called the Basic Seminar, hosted by a man named Bill Gothard. Bill ran a cult known as the Institute in Basic Life Principles. There were many strange things that I will get into later on which were progpogated through this cult and had a huge impact on my life.

I went to what was called the Children’s Institute while my parents went to the Basic Seminar. This was the first time I ever remember having a stomach virus. I remember sitting on the curb outside the church where it was taking place and feeling like vomiting. I had fried catfish and coke that night. A bad combination to regurgitate. It would make me hate catfish for a long time after that.

For some reason in the earlier part of my life at about age 10 I remember feeling rejection really for the first time or sense of wanting another’s approval. My friend Jason Bailey was staying the night over at my parents’ house along with another friend of mine Greg Stamp. We were staying in my parents’ basement and I think Greg wanted Jason to stay at his house the next day instead of mine. I just remember thinking how rejected I would feel if Jason went to Greg’s. later on in my life, my family and I would go back to visit Jason and his family frequently.

I know I have talked some about the toys I was not allowed to play with, but there were ones that I was which I loved the most. Legos. I have a very analytical mind, and so legos being a close fit to engineering were a perfect fit for me. One birthday when I was seven there was a series of legos called Ice planet 2002. There was a particular one I wanted. Well I didn’t get that one. My parents had a problem with me saying my own version of the F word a lot…fock. I would say it whenever I got angry and this time my dad decided it was time for a little disciplinary action. I said

“But dad, you can’t spank me for a word I don’t even know the meaning of.”

So my dad wnet on to explain to me the meaning of the F word. Probably not the wisest thing to tell a seven year old but then again I had to learn at some point. Read the rest of this testimony »

When I look back on my childhood,  I’m still unsure why I took the roads I did.  I grew up in a loving home with parents who are, first and foremost,  devoted Christians,  and also devoted parents.  The first things I remember them teaching us were about God and Jesus Christ,  how much He loved us,  and what it looked like to live a life following Him.  They also raised us to be free thinkers,  and I remember very early on deciding that I was not going to follow God.  I rebelled against it with all my heart. I didn’t know it at the time,  but thus began a life of subconsciously trying to fill that hole in my heart that only God can fill.  One of the first idols I can remember is boys.  I lived and breathed male attention.  I needed it to feel valuable.

I became sexually active at a young age,  and lived this way through most of high school.  I was never without a boyfriend,  it was my life.  Then,  at 17, I started dating my now-husband and stopped worshiping any male attention and started worshiping him.  I have idolized Travis for years without realizing it,  it’s only something I recently became aware of.  I truly believe it is only by divine intervention that we are still together, due to idol worship our relationship has NOT been an easy one.  In the beginning,  our relationship moved very quick.  We spent every second together, we did not have lives that existed outside each other. After about a year and a half,  I began to get bored with worshiping only him.  It wasn’t fulfilling to me the way it had felt in the beginning.  So I searched for my next idol. We started smoking marijuana regularly at 18, and that quickly elevated to harder drugs.  Drugs became my life,  what gave me value.  My relationship with Travis became extremely rocky.  I caused him SO much pain,  due to the mess that my own life had become. We went through countless break ups and make ups,  it’s miraculous we made it through that. At 19, I overdosed on cocaine at my parents house.  They were the ones who had to take me to the E.R. My poor parents….I can’t imagine the pain I caused them,  not just with the overdose but at where my life had gone.  They weren’t perfect,  we definitely had our struggles and they made their mistakes,  but they really did try to raise me to love the Lord.  The overdose wasn’t enough to deter me from my ways.  I continued drug and alcohol use.  At 20, Travis and I moved out in our own apartment and life was a party.

At 21, however,  I one day decided I was done with drugs.  It wasn’t fulfilling me anymore,  had lost its fun,  and I was ready to “grow up”, so I thought.  A couple months later,  Travis proposed and we began to plan our future together.  Outwardly,  our lives started looking good.  We had decent paying jobs,  planning a wedding,  it looked like we were out of the dark path we had been on.  Three weeks before our wedding,  we found out I was pregnant.  I was thrilled,  to say the least.  That’s when the idea of motherhood slowly started becoming my next idol. Life looked like it was headed in a great direction for us.  We bought a house,  three months later our daughter Taryn was born,  and I was even blessed enough to get to stay home with her.  Everything on the outside looked great.  But inside,  I was still subconsciously trying to fill that hole.  A hole that ONLY God can fill.  I am very thankful that Taryn did not become my idol.  The stress and pressure it can give a child when they are idolized is not something easily undone,  I believe.   Instead,  motherhood was what I lived and breathed.  I was obsessed with being this perfect mom.  My whole life became about breastfeeding,  organic foods,  and BPA. I began to get all my value in how I took care of my daughter.  Looking back,  I think this is when my marriage started to suffer.  Travis took a back seat to motherhood,  and he suffered. When Taryn was just over a year,  I got pregnant with our son.

My marriage continued to go downhill during that pregnancy due to a major change in my hormones.  He definitely suffered from my hormonal outbursts the whole nine months,  and we grew more and more distant. After our son Trystan was born,  fulfilling the idea of a perfect mother got harder.  I was 25 with a two year old and a baby,  Travis was working very long hours to be the sole provider,  and I was unable to idolize motherhood as I once had.  This is when my life took a very dark turn. When Trystan was eight months old and I was an exhausted mother who still had this gaping hole in her heart that nothing in my life had been able to fill,  I entered my battle with anorexia.  Even now,  I still can’t understands how it all happened.  One day I decided to eat better in an attempt to lose the rest of the baby weight and before I knew it I had full blown anorexia.  I did drugs for years and never fully experienced the power of addiction,  but anorexia was something different.

Every part of me was addicted to food,  weight,  body image.  Within just a couple months,  I went from 135 lbs to 95 lbs.  I was very, very sick and eating under 300 calories a day.  What still scares me is the level of denial I lived in.  I did not think anything was wrong with me,  I became defensive when my husband and parents would express their concern.  My poor daughter suffered greatly.  She was nearly 3 and her once-present and involved mother was now growing increasingly distant. She started having violent tantrums, which was a result of the inner turmoil she could sense coming from me.  I really did just about lose my ability to parent.  All I could think about was weight and food.  Due to starving my body,  I began to suffer physically.  I was hospitalized multiple times in just a few months,  and still I lived in my world of denial. My marriage was nearly over,  we had become so distant from each other we did not even try anymore.  My life as I knew it was falling apart.

I praise the Lord that my life as a practicing anorexic was short lived.  I think the thoughts are something I’m going to have to deal with the rest of my life,  but I only actively restricted my foods for 8 months.  When I hit the 8 month mark,  I could no longer deny that I had a serious problem.  I remember the moment I realized I had an eating disorder so vividly.  It devastated me to come to the realization of where I was.  I immediately began to seek help, however I still had not come to the realization that I needed my heavenly Father.  I started seeing a dietitian/counselor who was able to help me tremendously in getting physically healthy again.  I got back to a healthy weight and started feeling much better physically,  and even some what better mentally.  I started being a present mother again, and Taryn’s behavior began to normalize again.

I was still struggling with obsession with food and weight though.  Even though I was feeding my body the food it needed,  I was still terrified of weight gain and had an endless list of foods I would not touch.  And while I again became a present mother to my 3 and 1 year old,  my marriage was still completely empty.  I had actually come to terms with the fact that a divorce was imminent,  and was just waiting around for it to happen.

That’s when the Lord stepped in.  I randomly suggested one day that we go to church that weekend, a thought that I  believe was God-given. Two weeks later, in January 2014,  my husband Travis was saved.

I remember being a little mad when Travis gave his life to the Lord.  That was something I had openly avoided and loudly opposed most of my life.  And then suddenly my husband had God and was encouraging me to seek Him as well? But something began to stir in me-my soul had been thirsting for its creator far too long,  I had been filling it with idols and it was ready to be satisfied in the only way it possibly could be. I began to seek Him out,  and He embraced me with open arms.  In March 2014, I surrendered my life to the Lord.  His grace,  love,  and mercy can’t be put into words.  How free I have felt since I was saved is beyond anything I could have thought possible.

My life now is far from perfect, that is not what following Him will do. Instead,  I now see the reasons behind the imperfections,  the purpose in the struggles.  It’s so I can live in a constant covering of His grace, never not needing Him.  Are my idols gone? Absolutely not.  I struggle with idol worship almost daily. It feels as though at times I am having to constantly die to myself.  But to die to myself is to live in Him,  and there is no other way worth living.

The purpose in sharing this is to glorify God and ALL He does,  it is only through Him and His grace that I have been saved,  and not by anything I did myself.  If you can identify with my struggles with idol worship,  my life of constantly trying to fill the hole and failing,  then know that God loves you just where you are.  When you whole heartedly seek Him,  you will find He is waiting for you with open arms.  Only then can that hole be filled.

Learning To Trust God

August 9th, 2014

Trusting in God. People say they trust in God. When you ask them they respond very quickly and say oh yes I trust God for everything. I believe that people trust God for certain things sometimes small things and sometimes big things. I also believe that somethings or situations have been present in a persons life for so long that people give up on trusting God in that situation. They have prayed, cried out to God, fasted from entertainment, water fasted, gone to every church service, try to change their behavior to be a better christian, tithed, given bigger offerings, volunteer to help Gods kingdom, cried and prayed cried and prayed and cried some more. But most of all everything they did, they did with genuine love for Christ. He has delivered them from many things, many prayers were answered quickly so many blessings given.

So you ask yourself and the Lord why then don’t you deliver me from this thing that has been in my life for so long. For example like a sickness. It could be many other things that you could replace it with but I am using sickness because that has been what I can relate to. I myself suffered secretly with a sickness that caused my ovaries to be in so much pain, but I suffered 2 years before I came to Christ, and that was one of the reasons I came to Christ. Was for healing. I tried doctors, medication, holistic doctors and still nothing. Nobody even had a real diagnosis.

But me being in the medical field and knowing the symptoms I had an idea what it was. That still didn’t help me either I was always in horrible to mild pain and I just felt humiliated inside. After 2 years of suffering I gave my life to Christ, and it would get better but not completely healed. So three years into my walk with the Lord it was up and down. Sometimes it was better and sometimes it was horrible. I had gotten so used to being in pain and hiding it that nobody ever really knew. I just kept it to myself because nobody believed me any way they just thought I was making things up. I am not that type of person. If I say I am in pain or if I say I need to go to an emergency room you must know that I feel like I am dying literally.

I almost hate hospitals and I really really don’t like going to doctors. I put my complete trust in them before and they messed me up some kinda good. But that’s just me. I am not saying that you don’t need hospitals and doctors because sometimes you do. I just have gotten along a lot of times better with the Lord. After 3 more years of suffering and asking God to heal me and deliver me, after years of crying and suffering, taking herbal pills and pain medications, after fasting and praying, after reading and seeing testimony and testimonies of healing for others I asked God what am I doing wrong? I know you don’ enjoy seeing me suffer like this because things had gotten so bad that it was destroying my marriage and it did for a while.

Me and my husband actually separated. This was not the only reason but it played a big part. After trying everything in my power to help the situation that I was in with no success, I just broke down with shame and hurt. I didn’t feel like a woman. I felt like my womanhood had been stolen from me. You see I come from a long line of controlling women so I tend to try and control everything in my life too. But that was apart of my problem, God wanted me to trust him and allow him to be in control. I just couldn’t see what I was doing.

So I did an extreme fast and asked God to help me to trust him and to increase my faith in him. After the fast I decided I was no longer taking and pills for pain anymore that I was going to completely trust him for my healing and he gave me the strength to trust him. Something that I was never able to do before because for me that was one of the hardest things I could ever do. So when I stopped, Oh Lord the pain was horrible but I prayed and told the Lord that I was going to trust him and not give in. I Am not going to lie I was a little scared but I held onto his words of healing and recited them and believed in them. I told God that I would not give up on Him because He never gave up on me. Even when I didn’t deserve it. The pain gradually day by day got better until there was none, and he set me free. All he wanted from me was to trust him in that. How much much time from suffering I could have saved if I would have realized this a few years ago. Please, Please no matter what you are going through please don’t give up on God. Nothing is impossible for him and I mean nothing. We just have to trust and believe. God has helped blessed me. Thank you Lord.

Marriage is honorable among all (Hebrews 13:4) Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18) There are many great verses regarding marriage in the bible.

Marriage is a great occassion in man/woman’s life. But in my life it became a complicated issue. I am a very simple girl, born & brought up in Hyderabad, India. I accepted Jesus Christ & got baptized in the year 2009. My mom is a “christian” & dad a “hindu”, not saved yet. I hope you all got to know what the problem is for my marriage. This is one among many hurdles I had for marriage. Every christian parent wishes to have a daughter/son-in-law from a spiritual family background. My parents used to worry a lot.

My marriage played an important role in my spiritual life. My relationship with God became more stronger. I started praying to God with worry. I used to read bible with an intent to hear from God through His word. I used to listen to the messages delivered by pastors which are aired on a christian television channel. God has comforted me with His word. God made me strong and gave me patience to wait for His works to be done.

Since then I started thinking that God is going to take care of everything and not to worry for anything. I asked God to give His beloved child as my husband. I started praying for my to be husband everyday.

One fine day in the month of February, 2013 God spoke to me. I was listening to a message delivered by a great pastor. I believe that God speaks to us through pastors. On that day pastor was delivering message & he said “whoever is waiting for marriage, their marriage is gonna happen by the end of July month”. At that moment I received the word of God. I was elated about God’s promise & excited about getting married by the end of July.

From that day I used to confess the word I have received from God in my prayers. Finally my in-laws came to see me in the month of April-2013 & I met my husband for the first time in the month of June. We got married on July 25th, 2013. What God promises God provides it.

We completed our 1st anniversary this year. I am so blessed to have him. He is such an awesome gift from God. He makes me feel like an angel. That is no surprise because the gifts that come from God are always “the best”. God always provides the best to His children.

So my dear friends I want to tell you, “Just believe in God”  and know that our Father God is with us and not to worry for anything because He will take care of everything. Whatever the situations might be “Rejoice in the Lord always” (Phillipians 4:4)

If you think that your physical appearance is a problem for your marriage then think about it “I will give thanks unto thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: Wonderful are thy works; And that my soul knoweth right well.” (Psalm 139:14) God works are great. We are His creation. God knows about everyone. God will send you a person to whom you are the most beautiful.

If you have a bad past & it is a problem for your marriage then confess your sins before God. Our God is a great God. His love endures forever. The moment you ask for forgiveness, God is ready to forgive you. “Come now, and let us reason together, saith Jehovah: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” (Isaiah 1:18) When you are forgiven you are a new creation in God. Forget your past & start your new life. “Turn you to the stronghold, ye prisoners of hope: even today do I declare that I will render double unto thee.” (Zechariah 9:12)

So my dear friends whatever might be your situations, seek God first, then He will provide you with everything, more than you ever wanted. “Yet seek ye his kingdom, and these things shall be added unto you.” (Luke 12:31) May God Bless You All. Amen.

No Way Out!

August 8th, 2014

I had just finished my senior year in high school. That meant that it was time to get into various activities with my friends and whatnot not knowing that one action was about to alter my entire life.

During those long summer days I would stay up all night and sleep all day, nocturnal. So one Sunday morning my mom went out to church and I snuck a girl over the house while my mom was out praising God. Something I wish to this day I would have done that morning. But anyway I let a girl come over and one thing led to another and we eventually had sex.

A few days later my conscience started bothering me. I felt incredibly bad for what I did but that wasn’t the only reason I was feeling that way. Thoughts of being a soon to be father started to creep into my mind and as the days passed those thoughts grew louder. I couldn’t sleep, eat, or even function because I’m thinking about how I’m going to afford a child when I can’t even buy myself a new pair of sneakers.

Exactly 2 weeks later my mom and I went to church. Let me give you a background check for my mom. She is a praying woman who has a very strong relationship with God. Days after my little incident she could see something was up with me. I wasn’t being that fun loving person who she had raised for 18 years. So she came into my room in the middle of the night to tell me about a vision that she had that God showed her. In that vision she saw my brother holding a baby with a blue shirt. That scared me out of my mind. How in the world did my mom know what was happening without anybody telling her? She grabbed my knee softly and told me that no matter what I did, she would always love me 110%. I brushed it off but by that time I was shaking in my sleep.

So that Sunday we went to church and my mom sat with all of he friends but I sat in the very back of the church. While church was going on I just bust out in tears because I couldn’t live with myself and the sin that I committed and I was so afraid. I walked outside the church and sat on the edge of the sidewalk crying my eyes out like the little kid I was. This woman named Ms. Anita who I had never seen before came outside and sat with me and asked why I was feeling so down. At first I didn’t want to tell her because it would have been too embarrassing but nothing was as embarrassing as crying like a little kid on front of a grown woman. So I ended up telling her what had happened and how I felt like I had let everybody down because honestly I did. And I let myself down.

After about 5 or so minutes here comes my mom and she sits next to me and she holds me in her arms. I clinch up because I’m crying that hard. And before I could even start to tell my mom what happened she told me

“Son, God already told me. I already know”

That made me cry even harder because I know how hurt my mom felt that I did what I did. My mom and Ms. Anita told me the only way to know for sure is to take a pregnancy test. So the day after she took a test and the results came back NEGATIVE. But for some reason I didn’t feel like it really was. I felt like we had tested too early because it had only been 15 days since we had sex.

So you waited a couple of weeks and I can’t begin to tell you how hard those weeks were not really knowing whether or not you’re going to be a parent. But during those weeks I sort of free closer to God. I started changing my lifestyle because I was serious in showing God that I was willing to change. I started reading my bible more, changing my attitude, and even started having better characteristics in my life. It was such a scary feeling I must say when I thought about being a parent.

So exactly four weeks later I’m sitting in the church parking lot when I get a phone call. It was Ms. Anita and she was asking me if I was going to the teen church because she wanted to see me. Usually I wouldn’t go the teen church because the main church was really giving me the Word that I needed. But me being the person who hates saying no told her I was going to be at the teen church. And I’m glad I did! The pastor talked about Naaman and how he was cured of his skin disease by faith even though it didn’t make sense for him to dip in the water seven times. The pastor started talking about how God has the situation under control and how everything is going to be alright. It was like he was talking to me! As the sermon ended he asked if anybody needed help with their situation to come to the altar. Usually I would sit back and watch people go up there but not that day. I really needed help and couldn’t handle the stress anymore. I went up there and people prayed for me. As a few minutes went by I felt myself sobbing in up there. This unknown elder lady just held me and told me that it was the Holy Spirit that I was feeling. I kept saying that I made a mistake and I wasn’t perfect and how sorry I was. She just kept saying “God has your situation handled” and “he knows you aren’t perfect but his mercy and grace”.

I left church that day and told my mom all about what happened, except for the crying part. She was moved and said that it was all God. He had heard my prayers after all! But one thing still had to be done. The second pregnancy test.

It had been exactly 42 days since we had sex and this test was going to determine the rest of my life. She took the test and another NEGATIVE. I couldn’t have been happier. I ran in my mom’s room and hugged her with everything I had and just said “He answered my prayers! He heard me all along!”

Now I’m telling you this because I want you to get this. We serve a God of miracles. All those times you spent crying out to God had been heard by Him. I know sometimes it feels like He isn’t there but He is. You just have to maintain faith. I know that it’s easier said than done but take me. I didn’t deserve that but by Gods mercy and grace I am able to go to college and pursue my degree childless. I couldn’t be happier. Pray. Pray. Pray. God is listening. I’m living proof.

To understand my faith in Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, I would have to start with my childhood.

As a child growing up I was not raised in what I would consider a Christian home.  Was we taught to believe in God? Yes.  Was we taught to pray to God? Yes. We was also taught to give thanks to God for the good things done in our lives, but still yet I do not re-call that being done as it should’ve.  I guess one could say the foundation was laid but was never enforced.

Did we attend church together as a family on Sunday to worship and praise our Father in Heaven?  No.  I remember going to church to the Baptist church right next door to my house and my parents only going once with me, it was an Easter Sunday.  If, I attended church on Sunday mornings it was solely because I chose to do so on my own.

So as a young girl growing up, I did know that going to church was something we should do and it was something to be proud of.  But nobody around me seemed to share that pride or joy with me.  I was raised it was very good to go to church “But” going to church was not something you had to do.  As long as you loved God and believed in God and had God in your heart you could still get to heaven and God would still answer your prayers.  Do I believe this still?  Yes.  For the simple fact God turns his back on nobody, he will not forsake you.  So of course growing up I made choices that I was not taught were “Bad” things to do and I also made “Bad” choices that I knew was bad, but it was ok because God would still love me and forgive me when I asked.

I was once saved when I was young during what I believe was a vacation bible school, or even a day church camp of some sort, it was son long ago I can’t remember for sure.  But I remember sharing my experience and news when I returned home and was told by a person who I wish not to expose, was not my parents, that it wasn’t a big deal that they get you to these things and make you feel like that’s what you “Have” to do.  I now know this person was wrong – VERY WRONG!  You see even then God was calling me to him, for he knew I needed him as much as he needed me.  But I did not follow that happiness and joy I felt in my heart.  I listened to those who thought I was a stupid child being persuaded by the influences around me.  So, I shrugged it off and followed suit of what everybody else around me did growing up.

I played with things I shouldn’t have, I said things I shouldn’t have and I definitely did things I shouldn’t have.  Now don’t get me wrong these things were all my choices to make, but as an adult and a mother now I do feel maybe I wouldn’t have made so many of them had I been raised in the house of our Father.  I have been to many churches over the years and I have been saved a few times.  But it was not until I was at my lowest of lows that I realized what God could do for me.

I have lost many loved ones dear to me.  Some due to natural causes and some to things that I just don’t understand suicides, drug abuse and murder.  And in tragedies such as sudden unanswered deaths we become a victim of vulnerability.  Which makes us vulnerable to bad things, dark things, to things that are unexplainable  unless you have ever experienced them.  all of these deaths and darkness impacted me and caused me to question God’s motives and to ask the one question that just isn’t mean to be answered, “Why?”

If was not until I lost one of my very best friends in my life, my brother, the person who grew up with me, that protected me, and loved every bit of little ol’ me for me and nothing more, that my faith in Jesus can tumbling down – WAY DOWN!  Unlike all the other loss’s I had been through I could not grasp onto the reality of his death.  I didn’t want him gone, wasn’t my sister he took from us 15 years ago enough?  At this time I became angry with God.  I despised him for hurting my family again, at one point I even considered it to be hatred.  That scared me!  It scared me that I could hate the one person who had given me so much to be grateful for.  I was lost.

Which lead me to some choices that I made without anybody’s knowledge, most importantly my husbands.  Should I have made that decision? Probably not.  Do I regret it, No I do not.  You see, that bad decision I made, made the one person that I chose to spend the rest of my life with question my faith in God – his exact question was “Have you turned your back on Jesus?”  That question broke my heart.  I never looked at what I had done that way.  Of course I’m sure you can imagine the war that statement caused.  After a day or so of debating back and forth he asked me the one question that changed my life forever, “Will you go talk to Pastor Dave about this?”  Of course my answer was yes, because I knew that regardless of the outcome over who was right or who was wrong, we had both been struggling for quite some time and it was becoming exhausting.  We was tired.

Now after 5 days of trying to track down Pastor Dave you would’ve thought one would’ve given up – but we did not, or shall I say God did not.  Pastor Dave returned our call and invited to his home.  Now I really don’t think Pastor Dave quite expected all he got that evening but not only was his door open but most of all his heart.  He not only heard our cry for help but he listened.  He listened as I cried over the loss of my sister and most recently my brother and how I was struggling to find peace and comfort in things that was not of God’s way.  He listened as we drug out all of our hurts, angers and frustrations with each other.  BUT we also listened, we listened to his words of wisdom and knowledge of the things we had not considered we was doing wrong.  And our number one wrong was not living by God’s word.

At the end of our chat that evening Pastor Dave told us what we needed to do as couple and as a family and afterwards he prayed with us.  After his prayer he asked me if I felt better, if I felt peace and I told him “yes” because I knew I felt better but I was very exhausted from all the stress and heartache, so only God knew how I truly felt that evening.  But I knew what I or we had to do when we left there.  We went home and had a little family, and for those that know us, would say that is definitely our way.  We explained to not only our kids but to his mother and father that things was going to change and be better.  that we as a “FAMILY” was going to live by Gods word and whoever or whatever didn’t like it, well that was just tough.  But we as a family needed saved. All was very happy by this decision.  I will always remember our oldest daughter, Kyla looking at me with a worried expression saying “Mom, are you and Dad ok?’  And I looked at her and said, without a doubt “We will be now.”
That night we prayed together as husband and wife the protectors of our family.  Now as I said only God truly knew how I was feeling that night we had left Pastor Dave’s home. But knowing the amazing Pastor we have, I know he continued his prayers not only that, but the week after and still to this day.  Because that next morning after when I opened my eyes, for the first in a long time I felt a warmth that started in my heart and overflooded my body and in that moment I knew it was God giving me my peace and comfort I was yearning for.  I knew in that moment that he had me, his child and he was going to do great things in my new life.  It was in that moment I said “Jesus, I am yours, you have my heart, I am listening.”  I call this my “Aha” moment.
After that moment God has continued to show me his signs of his love, his existence and that he indeed does answer prayers.  He touches my heart daily and that’s his way of telling me “I am here, I am listening!”  And if and when I come to my next lowest of lows I will remember that “Aha” moment and that will forever keep me in my faith with Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior!
~ Since I wrote this testimony God and I have developed such an in depth personal relationship that I never possibly imagine could exist.  I have learned that all these years that I was waiting for my husband Denny to save me, well that was just beyond his means, there’s only one true way to be able to let go of all that hurt, anger and resentment and that is to believe and trust our faith in God.  My marriage has improved by ten times and I know God has big plans for me, I feel him encouraging me to keep going and to keep spreading my enthusiasm, love and passion for him, you can not deny the true feeling that this Man Jesus gives you.  It is a blessing that will not go away until your mission or plan is completed.
God Bless each and everyone that reads this.  I hope it can touch someone who may be lost, broken or maybe has just given up on God and lead them back to our Savior.
Jessyca Lynn Hayes

Confused and Impatient

August 2nd, 2014

My boyfriend ended our 7 yr relationship about 2 months ago. Everything after that happend so fast. Within those two months I became closer to God and have been blessed with many answers from God.

I moved out and he moved out to live at his brother’s house. I’ve prayed for him and for him to become closer to God. Funny thing is god answered my prayer. He texted me yesterday saying he was going to stay away from his friends for awhile and go to church as well. It’s hard for us to stop contact 100% because we still have bills to pay together. So we’ll text only about that and when God would give signs to let him know he wants him to get closer to him. I’ve felt I’ve done my part in that and its up to god and him to go through the rest.

I’m just really confused because it’s sooo hard to let go completely and let God do his work. I’ve prayed about it but i don’t know I guess I’m scared to let go fully for the fact being that there’s a chance that my ex fiance wont be in my future.

I am so heart broken …from the bottom of my heart I feel like he is my soulmate and so many coincidences between us. I don’t know if I should pray for God to return him to me because it might be selfish of me to do that since it doesn’t let god do what he has to do with my future. But I am scared and so impatient to know if whether he’ll be my furture husband.

How do I pray to ask God this… or to reveal to me if he is my soulmate or not?

God Knows What He’s Doing

July 28th, 2014

Praise God and God bless you all. I hope and pray that this testimony blesses and encourages someone. At this same exact time last year I went through a painful experience. My ex husband and I separated. I hurt. I cried. I was angry and bitter when it all began. Eventually God day by day started giving me strength and day by day healing took place. We eventually divorced. I moved to a different place and God’s peace led me.

Ok, so at church we were instructed to write what we desired God to do in our lives and mix our faith with it. So I wrote down and mixed faith. I wrote a lot down, spiritual things first. I wrote down how I want to be married and serve God with my husband. I also said reveal to me who he is and where he’s from and when you do this make sure I know for sure it’s Him. So about 4 days later a guy inboxed; he was so polite so we exchanged numbers.

So we started conversating and he was giving me so much scripture on transformation, perfection, and how the Christian life is suppose to look, I listened. so I went to church and my pastor was teaching on the same thing he was talking about. Ok so the next day or so I went to work and a woman out of the blue speaks in tongues and interpets it. Guess what same thing the guy was sharing with me.

So, I started talking with him more and my heart connects with Him spiritually. I started feeling peace love and supernatural pure love for him we think the same things when we are on the phone. So he asked to marry me. I said yes because of the assurance that God has given me and He is also a minster. God answered my prayer. I am so in awe of the way He did it. I couldn’t contain it all at first but I’ve accepted it. Praise God for being real.