I was raised in the church my entire life, as I got older and left for college I became distracted and drifted away from Christ and the church; although I remained a believer, I was not regularly attending service for a few years and my Christian Stewardship suffered as a result.   I fell on difficult times emotionally; I felt lost, I was uncertain about my future career path, lonely, and struggled to find happiness in life. During my darkest hours I continuously felt a calling from God telling me to surrender my life to him, to put him first in all that I do, and that he would see me through and guide me along the righteous path that my heart had always desired.

One night I was lying in bed dwelling on my current circumstance again God spoke to my heart calling me to him, only this time it was like a little voice in my head went off telling me exactly what I needed to hear.   I remember like it was yesterday…God spoke to my heart that night in plain words and said to me:

“Son, I will be your strength in the difficult times, I will deliver you from evil, I will redeem you from your sins, I am your victory, I am your wisdom, I am your strength, I am your deliverer, I am your redeemer…Through me ALL things are possible, No weapon formed against you shall prosper, delight yourself in me, trust in me and I will fight your enemies for you, I will guide you along the path of righteousness, I will bless you in abundance, I will protect you from evil, I will BE YOUR VICTORY .”

As soon as I heard and received this message from God I was brought to tears and felt the spirit of Christ lift me up. I knew from that moment on that I would never be the same, and a peaceful, calm, and warm spirit filled my heart, I prayed and I knew then that my Heavenly Father Would see me through. As time progressed that void in my life was filled by the greatness of my Lord and Savior Christ Jesus. I have received God into my life and wake up with joy knowing that he has my back. I feel like a new person, my faith has given me peace and comfort during difficult times, knowing that every storm shall pass and God will NEVER abandon me.

Psalm 40:2-3:

“He lifted me out of the messy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand, He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.”

Just as he did for David, God did for me! He lifted me out of the “messy pit” and filled my spirit with a new ‘song’ of hope and joy that overtook my heart.   I have learned to put God first in all that I do, and I have a conviction in my heart knowing that he will provide me with all that I need and will see me through to my divine destiny. My number one priority is to fulfill his plan for me! God Bless and know that nothing you are going through is too much for God to handle. Put your faith in God and HE WILL DELIVER YOU!

God Bless!!

Did I Mess Up Gods Will?

April 20th, 2014

My fiancée and I have been having fights, got to a point that we ended up breaking up, but I was the one that broke up with her. After I told her that I didn’t want to marry her, she said “fine” and then was about to give me the ring back, I was so mad at her that when it was halfway off her finger that I went to get it, she resisted and when she did it all happened so fast, I got the ring back, but she accuses me of grabbing her, being aggressive and shaking her. I don’t remember doing any of that, I was still upset after wards that I smacked her phone out of her hand. She was not using it or anything she was only holding it, I didn’t smack her hand or anything just the phone. I am not an abuser, I normally don’t do things like this, the reason why I acted like this was because it was a whole year of her saying things to me that were not right when we would get into arguments and almost each time she would tell me that she needs time of no contact so that she can figure out if she wants to be with me or not.

It got to a point that I didn’t want to fight with her or else I would lose her and risk having her parents tell her that they don’t want us to be together. She is very close with her parents to the point that when there are fights, she tells them what we fought about, I would have a problem with that because I understand you are close, but the details of our fights should be confidential. Every once in while I don’t mind the telling of the details, but not all the time, even though she is not saying everything. On the day I broke up with her, the next day her parents come to my house to tell me that they want me to not talk to her anymore, she also does not want me to talk to her anymore. She is 33 and I’m 37, she deletes me from Facebook on the day we break up. but I was able to see her profile still because she has not blocked me. Three weeks passes by and I’m feeling really bad, I kept seeing on Facebook that she was feeling heartbroken, but would not say what she is feeling heartbroken about, but I know it was because of our break up. I wanted to tell her that when I said to her that I didn’t want to marry her, I didn’t mean it, and that I was sorry for all that I did.

Our church is a new church, we don’t have a building its just a home church with 7 members. My pastor suggested that I don’t go because it will be very awkward if im there, in my talks with my pastor I told him that I wanted to give her a letter of apology for what I did. He told her about that letter, and she either said she does not want the letter or she does not want the letter now, I don’t remember what my pastor told me exactly what she said. But she does not want any contact with me. I wanted to get a few things off my chest and let her know that I didn’t mean to tell her that I didn’t want to be with her. So yesterday I saw her and spoke to her face to face, at first she was ok to talk to, she asked me how I have been and I told her that I was fine, then I asked her if we can talk. She said that she has nothing to say, I told her that I didn’t mean to break up with her and say that she needs to grow up and that I can get somebody better to be with me, I was mad. Then I told her that I still wanted to marry her, she said “That’s not going to happen, you took something so good about this relationship and you messed it up. I’m done” As she was talking she was getting more and more upset, then she said “Don’t try to make this better by saying you are sorry, sorry does not cut it anymore, and my parents have told you that to not come near me” I told her that I was not trying anything, all that I wanted to do was apologize.” I told her bye and then walked away. Today I was on Facebook, and I see now that she has completely blocked me, I know her wish was for me not go near her, all I wanted to do was apologize. Does it look like she thinks that I dont respect her and her parents wishes. If this is Gods will for her and me to be married, did I mess it up from ever happening.

I grew up in a Christian family and was a very shy quiet girl until I was about 12 when I met my best friend at the time and I started testing the boundaries. At 14 I made a decision to get baptised and not long after that things started going down hill.

At 15 I was pretty naive & didn’t know what a lot of things were. One of the youth leaders from a church we joined to do an outreach with took a liking to me he was 5.5 years older than me and we kept in contact. We ended up seeing each other a few times. One time he came to visit and he ended up doing things to me. i didnt know exactly what was going on but i knew it wasnt right. this happened about 3 times untill i told a friend who told my parents. When my parents found out they sat me down and hounded me till I told them what had happened. They grounded me which made me feel like it was my fault.

They got a restraining order on him so he couldn’t come near me or the house again.
They spoke to people in the church about it and word got out, I felt like no one from the church looked at me the same or treated me the same any more.

I used to do a bit of babysitting for people in the church but it all stopped after they heard what happened.
I had to go along with my parents & stay in the car while they had a meeting with his pastor at his church, while they were in the meeting I ran away and took the first bus that came past. I spent 5 nights sleeping in the back of a guy friend’s car who my parents had told me they didn’t want me to see coz he was older and I had had a crush on him. After 5 nights i decided to return home.

6 months later I bumped back into the youth leader & for some reason we started txting and he said it was a sign from God that we bumped into each other and we were ment to be together. I ended up dating him secretly.

My older sister and I were made to leave home for 1 month , coz we were causing a lot of problems with mum and dads marriage. (we were turning them against each other coz dad would let us do things mum didn’t want us doing and then they would end up arguing) I said if I had to leave I wouldn’t return & didn’t till 10 years later. (I was 16 when I left)
after one or two years of dating the youth leader I finally told my family and after some time they accepted it.

Before i told my parents about my relationship with the youth leader he would make me lay in the back seat of the car with a blanket over me so no one who shouldnt see us together could if they happened to drive past, he also made me lie about my age to people he knew so i wouldnt seem so young. At times he would tell me I was dumb, and that i should read the dictionary, that my friends weren’t laughing with me they were laughing at me and I should think before I speak, that i had to lift my hands in worship (which i wouldnt do coz i felt pressured) and i needed to go to uni.

He didn’t like me hanging out with my friends & especially with my best friend. because I would hang out with her once a week he would say “you obviously like her more than me”. The whole relationship was manipulation & control. A lot of the time I wouldn’t do things i wanted to do so he wouldn’t get grumpy with me, things were fine for him to do but not for me or other people. I hardly ever had choices to do things because he would tell me what to do and if I didn’t he would get grumpy.

I was only ever aloud one alcoholic drink but it was fine for him to have more.

He had anger issues but never hit me there were a couple of times holes were made in a wall or door coz someone had pissed him off and I remember a few good yelling matches between him and me. As time went on I resented him and didn’t want to be with him but I didn’t know anything else and a few times when i tried to end things he said its just the devil wanting to split us up and He did the whole if you break up with me I’ll kill myself and other times he would say you’ll never hear from me or see me again.

It got to the point He would kiss me & I would try stop him but he would say “well who else am I supposed to do it with, your my girlfriend”. I ended up feeling physically sick when we hooked up.

After 5 years I finally ended things, i knew he had said that i would never see him again if i did and i knew i was very happy to never see him again but after i broke up with him he wouldn’t give me my house keys back or leave me alone & a couple of times came into my house & into my room. one morning after he turned up in my bedroom I finally managed to get my key back.

I didn’t wanna date a Christian again especially one in leadership. I started partying and getting drunk on the weekends &
I went out and made it my goal to ” officially” loose my virginity so on a drunken night I brought A guy home with me I hardly knew.

My ex started telling my friends & family I was sleeping around and was on drugs and involved with gangs. The only truth was I was sleeping around but he never new that for a fact he guessed this after going through my phone one time and seeing a photo of a guy he didn’t know.

During my relationship with the youth leader I helped out in the youth group & took in one of the girls who had been kicked out of home & was in CYFS care. I became her caregiver but it lasted only a month or two coz she ended up outside my bedroom door one night with a knife saying the voices were telling her to hurt me so i had to use our care plan CYFS had set up and call the police, the other flatmates didnt want her returning after that.

After a few months of partying & drinking lots i bumped into summers dad, (we had gone to intermediate together),we went on one date then went out drinking together and i moved in with him 2 weeks later (our tenancy at my flat had ended so he told me to just move in with him) I moved way too quick and didn’t realize he was an alcoholic & druggy till after moving in.

A couple of weeks after moving in with him I picked up my little sister from youth group and brought her to drinks at our house my parents found out and it was the last straw. My family disowned me (i was given the choice to leave him, stop drinking & go back to church or i couldn’t see my family. I got angry and didn’t wanna be controlled by anyone anymore so I stayed with him. A few months into the relationship he volunteered for redundancy got a huge payout and spent most of it on alcohol drugs & food.

With some of the money we went on a holiday to Australia with my best friend and her boyfriend, the first few days were good but because he couldn’t find any drugs he ended up loosing the plot, he started drinking heaps one night and getting on one of his angry buzzes I ended up locking myself in my friends room and spent the night in there with them, he was trying to get into the room and was saying he was going to jump off the balcony and was asking us to give him the alcohol which was in the room. We refused and he ended up getting a knife from the kitchen and stabbed the ironing board a few times. I was over it, I called his dad (who lived in Auzzie) and asked him to get him the next day and I left him there and flew back to nz . I started packing up my stuff to leave when I got home but was unsure where to go and after a phone call from him crying and apologizing, saying he was going to get help and begging for another chance I stayed.

He decided he didn’t want to find another job and went on a sickness benefit for depression.
While living with him i went from getting drunk of a 4 pack to buying a12 pack.
One night at a party i passed out behind a car, the guys said they don’t know what made them walk around the back of the car before jumping in, but if they hadn’t who knows if I would be here today.
I started experimenting with drugs ( my family thought I was on drugs so I thought I may as well try them) I got stoned a couple of times with his parents (who used to be pastors).
About 6months into the relationship he ended up cheating on me (they had family friends over and we had all been down at the pub. After getting home he wanted to continue drinking. I woke up and went to get a drink of water and walked in on him and his mums friend hooking up (who he called his Aunty)
Because my family had disowned me I didn’t know where to go & ended up staying but things were never the same, we argued a lot after that. Things were very up and down, we lived together but pretty much did our own thing and didn’t talk much. He never cared what I did never got jealous and never asked any questions about what I was doing or where I was going.

One night I ended up in hospital on a heart monitor & drip after taking speed & the following night a pill his brother had found. I couldn’t control my body It was like I was having seizures I would start shaking and certain parts of my body would start to twitch & couldn’t keep anything down and I had been throwing up bile for half the day. He finally got him mum to come check me and she said I needed to get to hospital. He said he didn’t like hospitals so never came with me and got his mum to take me and his dad to pick me up.

On New Year’s Eve the girl who i had taken in that time came to visit with her boyfriend, after a while we went up the road to someones place to continue drinking & they said they were getting picked up from our driveway. While we were gone they got into our house & took a few things. When we got back and saw what had happened he went round to their place, her boyfriendwas passed out on their bed and she wasn’t around, he tried to wake the guy for a fight but he wouldnt wake, so made a bit of a mess of his place and took a bottle of alcohol. Around 4am that morning we woke to banging and yelling at the front door, it was the guy as high as anything wanting to fight. He started smashing the glass panels in the door with his hands, I locked the bedroom door and hid in the wardrobe which had a hidden room (it had a hidden door inside which led to a small space with a little grow room). I was on the phone so scared to the police for 20-30 min till they arrived. There was glass& blood everywhere that he had been and a pool of blood about the size of a dessert plate at the front door. I was shaken up but glad We were both unharmed. He had managed to get into the house but for some reason never came up the hall to the bedroom (I put it down to Gods protection).

One night a car full of people turned up at the house after one of our drunken walks home from the pub yelling & saying they had guns coz a few of the boys had pissed them off, I don’t know who they were or what that was about or even why they left but they were only in the drive for about 5 min (I think his dad may have come out and told them to piss off)
I used to walk the streets by myself when I was drunk if I was pissed off with him, I’m lucky nothing ever happened to me being a young girl drunk wearing next to nothing and wandering around by myself.

God definitely had his hand on me.

There were 2 occasions I barricaded the door by putting things in front of it & slept with a baseball bat coz I was scared he might flip out & try do something to me he told me once when he was on acid the voices were telling him to hurt me.
He had major anger issues & him and his brother would have punch ups and threaten to kill each other.
I was sick of the partying and being around people who were constantly drunk, stoned and on anything else they could get their hands on.

I ended up going out with the girls and cheating on him, the week i did he decided to try make a real effort to sort himself out but i felt real guilty & didn’t have the same feelings for him anymore so I ended things that week and moved out.
I moved in next door to my parents, the neighbors had always helped me out and had been there for me when my parents weren’t.

I continued seeing the guy i had hooked up with. My ex found out I was seeing someone else & that I had cheated on him and he started threatening to kill me & make my life hell. I got a protection order against him and about 2 months after leaving I found out I was pregnant. The guy I was with didn’t want to continue the relationship if the child wasnt his and at my first scan when they gave me the estimate of how far along I was the dates didn’t work out to be his so we ended things.

A week or two after that my parents came over and apologized to me for disowning me and I broke the news to them that I was pregnant. About a month after the other guy & i broke up I decided to tell Summers dad I was pregnant he begged for another chance. We went to counseling and the drinking & weed slowed down a lot. At 8 months pregnant I moved all my stuff back in but a week after moving back in things stared to go back to how it used to be (I realised it wasn’t going to work but didn’t have the balls to leave and look after a baby on my own). I had a long birth and he was complaining how he was tired so he slept on the couch in the room, I was lucky I had my mum and sisters in the room for support.
At times I would ask him to hold summer so I could use the bathroom and he would usually say, I need a smoke first or I need a Bucky first so I would just end up taking her to the bathroom with me. When he was around her he would loose interest after about 10min.

I didn’t want my daughter growing up with someone who thought drugs alcohol & violence were cool, who didn’t want a job and listened to music with the morals that he listened to & didn’t give her the time or attention she deserved.
I stayed till she was 5 months old and then finally picked up enough courage to leave.

My protection order still stood and he breached it a couple of times, one time getting through the security fence at our apartment and banging on our door, i was living with my sister and we ran upstairs & pushed a set of drawers in front of the bedroom door & called the police, he got into my car & stole a couple of items, the police found these things at his house but he still tried to deny it.

Because if his threats and breach of protection order the police installed a panic alarm into our house so I just had to push a button if he returned again and they would automatically send a car out. He pleaded not guilty at court for at least 2 hearings and then finally decided to plead guilty so he could have it over & done with and move overseas.(he got away on a good behaviour bond & a small fine)

While I was with summers dad till i was with Makiylas I started doing promo work God was definitely looking after me through that. Most of the jobs were bikini or lingerie and some of them involved me waitressing at stag dos in hotels or at people’s houses with one or two other girls but the odd one was by myself, we would just get given a time address and told what to wear.No one would know where I was except my boss and we never txted to say we were fine and had finished. My job was to hand out drinks and shots to guys play their drinking games & get them as wasted as I could trying to make sure I didn’t drink too much.

I never thought to let people know the addresses of where I was going or what time I would finish. I’m so glad God protected me and I never had anyone try take advantage of me. When summer was 1 I started seeing a guy I had met through her dad who had told me that he was getting a divorce. his wife was pregnant and wasnt in the best mental state & would repeatedly call my phone send me messages and turn up at my house, so we went to stay at one of his friends, which I found out later was a tinny house. She would seem to find us wherever we went and would tell me they were still together & he would tell her to leave, I didn’t feel safe coz she didn’t seem very stable and he had told me that she had come at him with a knife.

He knew I didn’t wanna be around drugs or with a guy who was on them. He told me he only got stoned occasionally but that was it, I ended up finding a p pipe in his bag and when I confronted him he told me it wasn’t his, but when I asked him to do a blood test he refused coz apparently he was afraid of needles, I told him if he didn’t do the blood test It was over and he still wouldn’t so I ended things. After ending things with him, from what I heard he was playing us both off each other, (all of his stories he told me seemed so real and he would always turn the tears on and say that she was crazy and when she would turn up he would say you know it’s over leave me alone) but thankfully as far as I know they worked things out in the end.

While I was with him I started receiving calls and txts from someone who called them self ghost they would taunt me & send real nasty messages, whoever it was stalked me and knew some very personal things about me, even when I got a new car a few days later I got a txt about it. These messages went on for over a year they also managed to get my new number when I changed it. I ended up blocking the number, still to this day I’m not 100% sure who it was but i have a couple of ideas.

One night when I was on legal highs The smell of red wine on a guys breath triggered my memory and gave me flash backs of when i was a child and a particular person doing things to me he shouldn’t have I would have been about 4 when the stuff happened.

Just before summer turned 2 I met Makiylas dad he seemed like the perfect guy, he was real romantic and he spoilt me & summer & was so good with her. A week after we started seeing each other he said there was no point in a relationship without truth and honesty & told me he had some thing to tell me. he said he was selling drugs, i told him one of the main reasons i left summers dad was coz of the drugs & if he wanted a relationship with me he needed to stop. I asked how long he had been doing it for and he said only a few months. He agreed to stop selling & after about 6weeks we moved in with him.

He always had the right things to say and an answer for everything.
After getting permission from my parents He proposed to me after 3 months.
Some colorful people showed up at the house & demanded one of his very expensive cars which he handed over. A few days later he said he was outside and saw gang members drive past the house and point to it. He told me to pack a bag for myself and summer and that we would leave the house for a couple of weeks till things calmed down. About a week later
He took us overseas on a 3 week holiday so i could meet his relatives.
I found out about a week into the holiday that i was pregnant.
Then he told me he got an email from his brother who was feeding the dogs that people turned up at the house & questioned him, his brother then got some of summers toys and clothes and our clothes out of the house but when her returned again to get some more of our stuff things had been taken. Our house got cleaned out and we lost everything except for those clothes & items of summers his brother managed to get out. He told me it wasn’t safe to return and we were going to stay in South Africa.

I hated it over there, summer and I were stuck in the house most days while he was at work or we would sit in the truck all day and drive around with him, occasionally we would have to go to areas where we were told we should never go to, I would just start praying hard out that God would protect us and the truck wouldn’t break down (coz he would often drive around with the petrol light on) pretty much every day I would end up in tears feeling lonely and feeling like I couldn’t cope. I used to be so happy and used to love life I used to wake up excited it was a new day but it all changed and poor summer had to see her mum break down crying all the time, she would tell me it was ok and to stop crying, no 2 year old should have to see their mum like that or have to try comfort their parent. I felt like I was failing as a mum too. I kept praying things could change and we started going to a church over there. I kept asking God to get us out of this mess.
He was trying to get me to have my daughter over there and was wanting me to go to a registry office with him, saying if we were married summer and i wouldn’t have to go return home every 3 months. I didn’t wanna be stuck there longer than 3months at a time so I never did it and I didn’t wanna have my baby over there either.

I came back to stay with my family and have baby in nz. A lot of stuff started happening and I started to find out about his past and who he really was. all the truth started to come out. It turned out he had been involved in things a lot longer and a lot bigger than he had said and he was involved in a lot of dodgy things.  I found out he had criminal convictions and he had upset a lot of people & to top things off had been engaged twice before & even used the same ring he had given me to propose to the girl before me. I don’t know if anything he ever told me was true.

I got a phone call from one of his best friends and was told I had to turn up somewhere or else!!!!
I rang him up and told him about the phone call and told him i was going to put my daughter and my safety first and i didn’t wanna be caught up in his mess any more so i ended things with him and all he said was delete/ get rid of anything that tied me to him and go to the police for my safety.

Dad and I had one hour from the time of the phone call to turn up. It was a very intimidating meeting with 3 big guys.
When I told him I was in trouble because of his actions & told him what they wanted and what he could do to fix things he said “well what do u want me to do about it” I realized then that he didn’t actually care about us at all and we were probably just part of some sick plan. With everything hitting home and realizing I was going to be raising two children on my own I didn’t know how I was going to cope.

The guy who I thought treated me as a princess,the guy who i thought loved me & my daughter turned out to not care one bit. i realized I had fallen for all the lies & manipulation all the smooth talk and the “right answers to every question” he ended up leaving us to face the people who wanted revenge on him. With me carrying his child they saw me as the next closest thing to him and their target. I lived in fear for a year, always looking over my shoulder & wondering if something was going to happen to us that day.i couldn’t hold proper conversations, my mind would just go blank mid conversation & I couldn’t even hold small talk. My hair started to fall out in a patch and no matter how much i ate healthy and unhealthy I continued to loose weight.through my pregnancy I put on only 9kg (almost half of what i put on with summer) but luckily i had a healthy 6.15lb baby. Dad and I faced going to meetings where guns were present having deadlines on when money had to be paid trying to find ways of getting money when neither myself or my parents could take out a loan and threats of “children disappear you know”.

I sold a few of the belongings i still had that were of value and we saw God come through. a family friend & her mum gifted a huge amount of it to us. at the time we were handing over the money we got a phone call from them saying they were going to give us this amount and dropped it off an hour or so later.during all this I started going back to church and sorted out my relationship with God and let go of the judgments I had of the church. I had never stopped believing in God but I knew i wasn’t living how I should.

We were told after making the payment things were over & we were free but about a month later we got a call saying there was more. Things continued and my fear continued, I was told they wanted revenge & they wanted a pound of flesh. Because they couldn’t get to him I was the target.

One afternoon I was told to reach under the seat of the car I was sitting in, I started shaking & crying when I felt what it was. I was told to pull it out. I pulled out a gun and was asked if I would kill for my girls, I was told that was my protection and I may have to use it & if I did it would be all over, then I was told to hand it back. I was a total mess, I didn’t know what to do & I didn’t want to stress my parents out more so I spoke to a family friend & shared everything with him & his wife who convinced me to tell my parents all the things I had been told to keep to myself & helped me with advice on ways to go about things. Dad then took over the communicating for a while but then after time it was back to me. There were several more things I was told I could do if I wanted this all over but each option gave me more fear & if the tasks backfired these people would want me dead all the more.

I couldn’t take it anymore crying to God one night telling him I couldn’t handle this any more. I felt him say give it totally to me and let me protect you. I was at church one morning changing kiylas nappy, she always struggled and tried to crawl off and I said to her “what could take a few seconds takes a few minutes coz you won’t stop moving” I felt God say your like her not staying still and letting me sort this for you, if you stop trying to sort this out And just let me do it it will be over so much faster.

I realized I wasn’t giving it all to God by using this negotiator & I was using this guy as my protector when I should have been giving it all to God and using him as my protector and provider. I was reminded about the story of daniel and the loins den and shadrack meshack and abendigo and how in their situation they stood up for what they believed and gave it all to God and trusted he would help them through their trials. they did and they stepped out and God kept the lions mouths shut and kept them from harm in the fire so i took that step of faith and We thanked the negotiator for his work and told him we were gonna give it to God and let him sort it out as it wasnt getting any better & I couldn’t handle the stress of everything any more.

Since we have done that I’ve felt peace, I haven’t felt scared. I’ve known Gods watching over us and Gods been amazing and totally set me free of fear and stress. A huge weights been lifted off my shoulders and I’m starting to feel normal again and starting to get my joy back and slowly get my confidence back.

Dad made a final payment and asked the negotiator if he had told the gangs he was no longer in the picture helping us out and “protecting us”, he said he had a last meeting with them and everything was finished we were no longer targets. (which a few people had specifically prayed that the targets would be removed from our backs and the negotiator gave dad those exact words). I’ve been able to get on with life and feel like a normal person again.

God totally set me free and through prayer and counseling I’ve been able to forgive these people for what they have put me through . Ive learnt no matter what you face or how big or small it is give it to God and follow the path that gives you peace. If you don’t feel fully at peace about a decision don’t go there or put that path on hold till you do feel full peace.

I didn’t have a full peace when we used the negotiator but it was the path that made sense to me. Ive realized God often does things in the ways that don’t make sense and seem impossible He’s the God of making the impossible possible. I thought if I said were not gonna use the negotiator and we will just stand and see what God does that I wouldn’t be left standing. So I went almost a year down this path of fear and intimidation until I realized God just wanted me to give him my burden and he took it and carried it for me and has given me my life back plus blessed me in so many ways.

Im so thankful for the people God put in my life to help us get through all the mess. I’ve really found God and learnt to trust him and feel like I’m actually starting to know him, he’s not just someone who is up in the sky that we talk about hes fully real and actually cares about the things big and little and if we let him he will take care of us.

Watching movies along the lines of what we’ve been through make me so thankful again for my kids and life and family & for what we do have and thankful that we’ve been able to make a fresh start & that Gods helped us build our home & everything back up. He takes care of us in every way, He’s our protector & provider.
Here’s a reminder for me how God has taken care of us.

We were struggling financially & we weren’t gonna be able to get a Christmas tree (a family tradition) but God took care of it all. In one week kiyla started sleeping through the night, we were given 3 cans of formula, I was handed the money to pay off the rest of my debt for the car I sold which I didn’t receive the full payment for and was still making weekly payments to pay off. I had 5 days to get a new car as my car was going to fail it’s next wof & it was gonna cost more than the car was worth to fix, I got given a car & it had a full tank if gas. My credit card was maxed out and I sold my old car for the amount which I needed to pay it off (3 days before the minimum payment was due) and I got a $50 petrol voucher.
We were able to get a Christmas tree & I was able to put presents under it for the girls as I wasn’t trying to pay off my credit card or this car debt.

Now that’s what I call God taking care of us. You can’t call all that a coincidence & I know that’s exactly why God let it all happen in one week so I would know it was him.

Freely Given

April 11th, 2014

As a girl, raised in a large Christian family, my parents were faithful to make sure that we went to church every single week. They diligently read me the Bible and taught me to memorize Bible verses. When I was three years old, I remember hearing our pastor talk about hell and I was scared that I would go there when I died. I asked God to forgive me for being a bad girl and told him that I wanted to go to heaven when I died. I was later baptized in our church at the age of eight.

Throughout my growing up years I was involved in every possible type of Christian program or service that was out there. I went to church regularly, taught Bible classes for kids, played music for the church and worked at a Bible camp every summer. In my heart, I thought that I was making God very happy by doing all of these good things for Him.

When I was 15 years old, I started to experience a lot of guilt and shame over things in my life that I knew God would think were sin. I kept these sins well hidden. I didn’t want anyone to think that I wasn’t a good, Christian, girl. Good girls didn’t struggle with hate, anger and pride. Christian girls didn’t struggle with depression and anorexia. My secrets plagued me. On the outside I continued to teach Bible classes to kids, smile and go to church, but on the inside I wondered why I didn’t “feel” like I knew Jesus. Other Christians said that I should feel free, but I didn’t. I felt like a slave. I was stuck feeling like a slave to my sin and like an actor, pretending to be good so that others would think I was. When I prayed, it felt empty, like God wasn’t listening to my prayers. I tried to read my Bible, but nothing made sense. Sins that I kept so well hidden I would quickly tell God sorry for, but the next day I was back, making the same mistake all over again. I couldn’t be good on my own and I knew it. I began to ask myself, why I even tried to be good any more? Could it be that all this time I had not been saved at all?

I remember the scripture verse, Isaiah 64:6 had an impact on me. It explained God’sthought’s regarding my attempt to be good. “All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.” My “righteous acts” or “good works” were like a filthy rag compared to how good and pure God’s standard was. Also, Ephesians 2:8-9 clarified the process of coming to a peaceful relationship with Jesus. It said, “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.”

I could never be as pure as God required.  I could never earn God’s approval. It was not through my good deeds, but through faith in Jesus. Another verse in the Bible also helped me see that what I really needed to do was to repent, turn away and ask God to make me new. “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,” Acts 3:19.  I began to understand that repentance wasn’t just saying I was sorry, but it was a total turning away from my sin and surrendering the control of my life to Jesus.

One night, in the year 2001, my pride finally broke. I understood that being a “good person” and praying a prayer had never saved me. I could never be good enough to earn my salvation and that is exactly what I had been trying to do. For years I had been trying to please my parents and other Christians around me, but had never been broken over my sins against God. Jesus died on the cross and rose again as payment for my sins. How could I ever be good enough to pay him back for something like that? That night, I stood in my driveway and looked up at the stars. Sobbing, I turned my face to the sky and told God everything. I shared all of my sins with Him and all of the hopelessness I had felt. This time I didn’t just say that I was sorry, I repented. I begged God to forgive me and change me forever. I was finally willing to give Him complete control of my life and I didn’t want to ever go back to my foolish pride.

After I prayed, I went into my house, tears still streaming down my face, and told my family everything. I told them of all my “secret sins” and that from now on things were going to be different. I don’t know if they understood, but they listened.

From that day on, my life was never the same. My heart longed to know and understand God better. When I read my Bible, the stories were exciting and began to make sense! It was almost as if I were reading the Bible for the very first time. The sins that had once had such a strong grip on me slowly began to fade. My depression was gone and my anorexia disorder began to slowly improve.

The Bible says that when we give Jesus control of our life, He cleans us up and takes the sin away. Psalm 103:12 “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” I was finally free from the guilt my sins held over me and free to just be a child of God without the burden of trying to earn His forgiveness or love.

Now, I live for God and serve Him out of love and gratitude. Even though I still make mistakes and my pride might still raise its ugly head at times, I’m thankful for true freedom and that I don’t have to try to earn love or forgiveness from Jesus. His forgiveness is a free gift that I don’t deserve, but I’m ever so glad to have.

My life before becoming a Christian:

When I was a little girl, my grandmother took me to church every Sunday.  Although I went to church but for the most part I usually just slept on my grandmother’s laps.  Until the time I grew up and continued to go to church, all I really knew was that I’m Baptist but nothing else.  I didn’t understand why my grandmother took me there, I didn’t know who Christ was, didn’t even know how I came into being.  Going to church was just a routine for me.  I just tag alongside with my grandmother and family.  Church didn’t have any effect on me at all.  The worst reality was that even when I grew up to be a teen I still just a church goer.  I received a baptism but didn’t know the purpose of it.  I still just lived my live doing what I believed that would make me happy.  I was selfish and just want to live and to enjoy life as much as I can.  I even remember there was an incident that happened long ago, when I saw someone who was so devoted to their belief; I literacy said to myself, I would never be that kind of person.  All I really think about was that I did my part already by going to church and worshiping with others believers.  I thought to myself only a heretic would go so far in theirs belief.  Before I knew Christ my life was a mess and inadequate.  I don’t even know if I’m able to describe how I felt back then.  Within my heart I always felt like I’m missing something.  I usually would try to search for happiness through hanging out with friends and doing entertainment like watching movie all day long to make me happy.  I used to hold grudges against people if they treat me wrong.  In my own theory if someone is mean to me, then I have every right to treat them the way they treat me.  When it comes to friends I used to look out for friends that would bring me benefits.  I like the kind of friendship that I would get a benefit from without giving out my part.  But on one special occasion my life changed.

When I encountered Christ:

When I came to know Christ Jesus, I considered it was a life changing experience for me.  It was at a Christian summer camp that I encountered Christ.  After worshiped with other believers and listened to different sermons at the camp, I knew right then that what I really needed was a Savior.   Finally I was able to understand that there is only one person that can fill the emptiness in my heart and that person is Christ.  Thank God that He has opened my heart so I could receive him.  Thank God that He has allowed me to know that my life would be meaningless without Him.  It was at that moment that I received Christ into my heart and knowing that I’m a sinner and I needed forgiveness.  I also knew at that time that without Christ my relationship with God the Father can’t be restored.  I even experienced the thought that can Christ really forgive me for everything I had doneCan He really make me new again? All I can say is that the answer is YES He can.

After knowing Christ: 

After receiving Christ into my life, He has changed me dramatically.  I wasn’t selfish as I use to be, I wasn’t as self-centered as I was.  Now my way of viewing others people are different as well.  I can see that rather than want more and more benefits for my own I want to give others the similar blessing that I received from Christ.  He has changed me to be become more considerate of other people’s needs.  What also amazes me after knowing Christ was that I was not only able to truly forgive people that had hurt me for instance, like emotionally.  Christ allowed me to know and understand that if my sins can be forgiven then I could also do the same for people who hurt me.  I found that the purpose of my life is not just to live for my own, but to live for Christ by serving and pleasing Him.  Now I find that helping people and being a blessing to others is what true happiness all about; I want to use my life as a channel of blessing for other people as well.  Of course, after knowing Christ Jesus doesn’t mean that I’m perfect.  To be quite honest there are still many areas in my life that I still need Christ’s help to change me.  For example, I always feel like I’m desperate for Christ to continue working in me to help me set my priorities straight.  I feel that there are times when just my emotions get control instead of Christ, but thank God that He allows me to know the root of the problems so I can continue to depend on Him to teach and to guide me daily.

I am Philip from India. I was suffering from “Porn watching addiction” since age 13.  This means for the last 31 years I was in this bondage. I tried several way to escape from this sin. I am a believer and baptized, but satan is using me. I couldn’t pray properly; I couldn’t worship properly. I surrendered to my Lord Jesus Christ about this issue. Last Thursday church service (03/04/2014) on 9.00pm, my Jesus touched me.

Now I can control myself. I am delivered from those satanic porn watching addiction.

Trillions of PRAISE to my LORD JESUS CHRIST. HE is ALIVE, HE is trustworthy. HE is able to solve any impossible issues. Glory to GOD, Heavenly Father. Thank you JESUS.

After nearly 30 years of Porn Addiction, I am free. All I needed was the power of Jesus name. Praises, Glory, Honor and Power forever to the One True God who reigns on high! There is freedom in Jesus!

In the begining before I started going out with my ex, we both prayed and asked God to tell us if this is what he wants for us, if we wants us to marry each other. The answer we got was “Be Still” I took that as meaning “wait for further instructions” if it was no, then why would god say wait for further instructions, he would just say no. So we ended up getting into a relationship, her best friend who is a prayer warrior and older woman said that one day as she was cleaning her house, God dropped into her spirit that me and her are to be married. That told me that was the instructions we were waiting to hear, plus my ex tells me that if her parents give us the blessing to be married, then its gods will that we are to be married because that is what she prayed for, that the man they give their blessing to is the one for her. So I got the ring and we were engaged.

However, before and after the engagement, we were having arguments, more then once we almost ended up breaking up because my ex would tell me that she needs time to think and let me know whether or not she wants to be with me, and this happened more then once. We ended breaking up for a week and we got back together, it was her fault as to why we broke up. The arguments continued after that, a few months more passes and we end up breaking up again. Now I don’t know if she will ever come back to me, I’m thinking that in the beginning when God told us to “be still” that meant don’t get into a relationship yet, I have to work on you both. Now that we didn’t listen and went ahead and got into a relationship, I wonder if we messed up God’s plan for us to be married.

Now we are not together and being counseled now by both our pastors. She does not want to talk to me, and her parents and her want me to stay away and have no contact. She’s working now on forgiving me, and both me and her are being counseled now and trusting in God to help us get more healthier individually.

My question is that, did we mess up God’s plan for us to be married, I mean even after this, if its god’s will for us to be married, can it still happen, or did we mess it up completely by not being still like God had told us?

I had a pap smear done when I became pregnant back in September 2006, the Doctor told me my results came back with abnormal cells, and that I needed to keep an eye on it. Really though I didn’t understand the importance of what he said. After I delivered my son, I had an IUD copper T birth control put in, I was married but wasn’t sure when I wanted to have another child. My marriage became unstable, I became a single parent, and I put my health care on the back burner, but tryed to always make sure my son was taken care of. Well I eventually made an appointment for myself to get a pap smear and my IUD taken out, after waiting 8 years, (believe me I have learned a valuable lesson, that even if I have to take a few days off from work to take care of myself that’s ok, I can’t keep putting things off until I think its the right time BC its not going to happen life is always going to be having something going on but you need to take time out for yourself so that you can be there for your family).

Ok back to my pap smear that took place 11/15/13, I went in they took the pap test and my IUD out, and I didn’t plan on being sexually active so I declined anymore birth control. About two weeks later I received a call telling me that my pap results came back abnormal and that I have a high grade hpv infection, and that I needed to make an appointment to get a biopsy done for displacia/cervical cancer I called and made an appointment for after the holiday season. My IUD caused me to have longer then normal periods which also made it hard to schedule an appointment. My appointment was for 01/16/2014.

I went to my appointment and tried to help myself stay calm by telling myself that I’m doing this to take care of myself. The doctor when she first started examining me said she could see alot of displacia/hpv. They had a camera and a screen so I could also view what she was talking about.  I was scared when she said she was going to take not just 1 but 3 biopsies, (I had read online and also had a coworker tell me they aren’t fun). That and realizing that I had done this to myself by having pre-marital sex, and not getting annual pap smears done brought me to tears, well being examined. I was told by the doctor that normally a pap smear can’t pick up the high grade that I had but because of my IUD their thinking that’s why they were able to. I was told that it didn’t look like cancer but that I would have to wait and see with the test results, the doctor said I may need a hysterectomy but that I could still look into adoption.

I asked the 3 ladies in the room to pray for me and I told them I was going to talk to the Pastor at my church about this, I new that God could help me out of this if it was his will. The doctor said I should get results back with in two weeks and that I was now one of their vip pashant’s so if I need to make an appointment that all I would need to do is call the clinic directly. After I left the room after everything was done, I felt numb, I thought why would God heal me when I brought this on myself, those were lies coming from Satan. I had a customer tell me the verse Isaiah 53:5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. I told her, that I thought that was for when we go to heaven, and she said no, she said “Hope when we go to heaven we will have brand new bodies that won’t need to be healed, this is for now well we are here on earth”  that got me thinking.

I had an elder at church approach me well I just sat in the pew (a few days after I had the biopsy) He went to shake my hand and he said “You are one of his” and I just smiled, he explained that he will be shopping at the store or out and about and God will just speak to him letting him know who is his, or one of God’s children, that made me feel good that God put it in his heart to tell me that I am one of his, not to long later on the radio listening to Klove I heard the song by Casting Crowns “Who am I” , God told me who I am, I am his. He will take care of me. The sermon that Sunday talked about when things are  not going so good in your life weather its your health, family issues, what ever it may be keep your focus and eyes on God.

I waited a full 3 weeks for the results, the doctor had a hard time reaching me so left a message on my result sheet. I called not knowing what the results would be, but I new it was in God’s hands because there was nothing I could do about it. She said I’m just going to tell you what Dr. Walker wrote down, all 3 of my biopsies came back negative for displacia and cancer, and that they wanted to see me back in a year for my yearly pap. I told her how I had been praying and how people and other churches were praying for me, I was like are you sure your reading the results right, and she said yes, and that God does answer prayers and that God had heard mine :)

I listen to Klove a lot, and well I was waiting for my results, I would be listening to it and crying my heart out well driving to work, it also helped a lot and listening to the encouraging story every morning :)  I wrote this testimony so that other people would learn of God’s awesome Grace. I had a lady, an elders wife pray with me and anoint me with oil, after I read  the verse James 5:14 Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. God healed me.  God Bless :)

Heaven Revelation

April 1st, 2014

On Oct. 1st, 2012, while sleeping in my bedroom, I had a series of demonic attacks. The first attack is hard to explain. I was sleeping, yet it seemed like I was abruptly woken up. At the time I did not even realize I was still sleeping because everything seemed real. In the dream, I was lying sideways on the couch in the living room of the duplex I lived in. As I laid there, I couldn’t move and I saw a dark shadowy figure standing directly beside me. I knew this was a demon because since I was a teen, I have had multiple demonic attacks in my sleep. The demon didn’t move and didn’t say anything. I had a feeling of fear take over me. I kept attempting to say “In Jesus’ name be gone!” over and over again. However, because I couldn’t move at all, my speech was slurred and indistinguishable.

After what seemed like a very long minute or two, and after repeating the command over and over, the attack finally ended and the figure disappeared. Then, moments later (still in my sleep) I was now in my bedroom where I was actually sleeping. Now again, a demon was standing by the side of my bed. Although it was completely dark in my room, I could see the dark mass of the demon. This time I did not have any fear of the demon and a new found confidence. I started laughing and mocking the demon. I said to the demon (doing my best to talk without being able to move any part of me), “You want to torment me? I feel sorry for you! You have a much worse fate than me! I am in the Father’s hand and no one can take me from Him!” It was then when I awoke at around 4am. I was relieved to have the attacks over and to finally be awake, but I also had a very strange feeling. I somewhat felt bad for mocking the demon. From all of the times I had been attacked in my sleep I have never had that reaction to a demon. I was thinking, “Is that even okay to do?” I then got up, went to the bathroom, and went back to bed, still pondering all that had happened.

Once I fell asleep, I experienced something unlike I have ever experienced before. I had a revelation that I was in heaven and God the Father was with me. I could not see Him, but I knew He was there. It seemed as though He was above me and all around me. I was in a place that looked much like the Safari in Africa. There weren’t any animals or any other people, just trees and a mountain off in the distance and tall grass all around me and stretching as far as I could see. It was bright a sunny day: however, I didn’t notice any sun. As I was standing there, God gave me the understanding that this was heaven and in heaven there are no worries, no cares, and the only thing it is about is Him. I call it an understanding because it was as if God were talking to me, but not verbally. It was as though he was giving me understanding and I was saying it back to myself to put it in words. I remember very distinctly the phrase popping into my head as I was given the understanding, “It is only about Me.” As God was giving me this understanding I was filled with joy. I don’t have words to describe what this joy felt like but it couldn’t compare to any joy I have ever felt before.

I was also given the understanding that when we are in heaven we are there to praise and worship Him, but it isn’t only one-sided. By praising God, you will have this indescribable joy and it will be your desire to worship Him. As I was overcome by joy, I fell down to my face and worshiped the Lord. I had no other choice. The joy was so overpowering, I had to express my gratitude at this glimpse of a merciful, caring, and loving God.

Needless to say, when I awoke, I still had remnants of joy, and it carried over throughout the day. The following days, I pondered heaven and, selfishly, really wished I could get this life over with and be in heaven with the Lord.

1 John 5:9-13
If we receive the witness of men, the witness of God is greater; for this is the witness of God which[c] He has testified of His Son. 10 He who believes in the Son of God has the witness in himself; he who does not believe God has made Him a liar, because he has not believed the testimony that God has given of His Son. 11 And this is the testimony: that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. 12 He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. 13 These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life,[d] and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God.

I Saw Jesus Crying for Me

April 1st, 2014

About ten years-ago, I was sleeping at my parents’ house, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I saw what appeared to be a man crying, as I peered in closer to see who this was and why he was crying, it hit me, “This is Jesus crying for me;” now, you may want to ask me the following question, “How do you know that it was Jesus that you saw crying for you in that dream that night?” And the answer is that I know that it was Jesus that I saw crying for me in that dream that night, because once I realized that it was him, I immediately woke up, jumped out of my bed, and got on my face, in fear and trembling, for what must have been at least ten minutes; now, if you do not believe that what I am telling you is the truth, then let me ask you a question, if that was just a mere man that I saw crying for me in that dream that night, then why did I respond with fear?