March 2nd, 2012
First I just want to pray for everyone else here who has requested prayer:
Father God in the name of Jesus, I come to you as humbly as I know how. Lord I come putting before you the petitions of my brothers and sisters in Christ who truly need Your help, Your guidance, Your blessings. Lord You know our rough places, You know our hearts…only You know what it is we need and so we graciously and thankfully exchange our will for Your perfect will for our lives. God Your Word says that You have plans for our good, to give us a future and a hope. Thank You Lord. and in Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.
Secondly, I just ask that you all keep me in prayer. Those of you who have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ, that you just keep me in your prayers.
I am trying to keep the faith. I truly feel (as Paul said), pressed on every side. I’m pregnant and I find myself worried about everything. I thought I was doing a good job trusting God, believing…but I’ve had a headache for the last three nights and I know it’s because I’m stressed. I truly do know that God is in control, but I’m having a hard time walking around with my eyes closed (in attempt to walk by faith and not by sight). I no longer condemn myself for the sin that I committed that got me in my current situation (praise God), but I guess this is the consequence for my actions. I guess this is a result of fornication and what can happen if you get pregnant without being married.
I posted previously (http://www.testimonyshare.com/can-you-relate/) on my “situation”, when I was deeply confused and hurt. (thanks again to everyone who responded with comforting words) And, I’m not where I was, but the enemy is creating so much fear around me…I need strength. My boyfriend wants to be a good man, and I’m not certain if he’s doing it out of love or obligation. Literally every day he changes his mind about getting married and any other plan he so securely states the day before. Even when I listen to him, I just listen and put my trust in God…but watching this is scary. I’ve even resolved that I may have to raise my baby alone, but ultimately, it’s not what I want.
Ironically, if I’m honest with myself, I used to look at women who had children without their father, and would think that they should just pull it together and raise their child. And I guess, God has graced many women to do so. But, now being here myself, I know first hand how hard it is to feel unwanted at times. How hard it is to feel like a burden and alone. And I’m not saying that my boyfriend is making me feel this way (because I know that how we feel comes from inside of us), but his actions directly play to my greatest fears.
Really, I don’t even feel lost in my spirit, this is how I know God is with me. Comforting me. But I also can feel my spirit in a struggle. Maybe it’s also hormones, but I’m just so upset. Sometimes I don’t even want to talk to my boyfriend because of his lack of certainty, but I’ll just talk because I don’t want him to know I’m upset….and he and I communicate rather well, so I’ve expressed how I feel on numerous occasions. I just don’t see the point of saying it everyday….I’m sure I’ll talk to him this weekend and it’ll come out again.
Anyway, I’ve turned this into a venting session…and maybe this is what I needed. I pray for myself, and if anything, I’m thankful that this situation has created more personal time between God and me. Please just cover me in the Spirit because the enemy thinks he’s gonna win. I want to be okay even if what I want to happen, doesn’t. But I also want to believe what God previously told me too (that my boyfriend and I are meant to be). Pray that God keep me strong in faith and that He’d give me whatever my Spirit needs, and even some of what my flesh needs, to keep believing.
Thanks everyone. God Bless.