‘Hey’ was the message I woke up to on the 12th April, 2017 at about 6:47am. I had woken up at 5am and didn’t feel like getting out of my bed. I was just saying a prayer, and among the things I poured my heart out to God for was this girl I had proposed to about 6 months back. ‘God works fast!’ I thought to myself.
29th October, 2016 was no ordinary day for me. It started just like any other day. Few people knew how important that day was going to be, the day I was going to propose to the prettiest girl I had come to know. I couldn’t sleep the previous night I mean who does? Hehe love makes people do crazy things and it had just began.
It had taken me a whole year of studying her, praying about it, testing myself to see whether what I felt for her was lust, loneliness or as popularly said cupid had struck again. I hoped he wasn’t on vacation. During that year, I read 17 books about relationships, attended ‘romance 101’, a talk program run by my church that taught Christians the core things, practical steps and biblical view of relationships. I felt I was ready. I only had one fear, of which I know most boys have as they wait, that someone else will propose to her before I approached her. And it happened.
I felt so crushed. From the very start, I had prayed that God shows me through three signs that this relationship was not meant to be: If she was already in a relationship, if she gets into one within that year before I approached her and finally if she told me no. I had gathered that she was single at that time so I checked that off my list.
I stopped praying about her and even went as far as cursing God for letting such a thing happen. I just couldn’t trust Him anymore. I felt betrayed. It was actually the first time I had involved God in the pursuit of a girl and what did I get out of it? NOTHING!!!!!!! Funny thing happened, a while later they had a fight and decided to end things. I got that from the friends we shared who knew nothing about my feelings for her.
I felt like God had become my best friend, responding in my time of need. To me that was a direct sign from Him that this was meant to be. The last and final piece in my puzzle.
I sat on the bench fidgeting as I saw her walk towards me on that day. I didn’t know where to start. She looked even prettier than before. We talked a bit before I told her the reason I had wanted to meet her. Poured my heart out and told her everything. She listened very keenly then answered:
‘Fred I was afraid such a thing would happen. This has been something that has disturbed me for a while. I almost got into a relationship with someone last month and vowed not to be involved with anyone else until after campus. I am not going to give you hope or pray about it I just don’t feel like God is speaking to us the same way’.
I felt like the whole world was weighing down on me. I thank God for giving me composure, so I told her this:
‘I understand. I had doubts when I started having these feelings for you and I had to take a year to know what I wanted was you. Lets give it time say a year and after that we will know where to start’.
Surprisingly, that gave me peace. I felt that she would not get into a relationship without first telling me where we stood and so the long wait began. We didn’t talk for a while gave each other time and space to clear things out. Early this year we began talking again and became uncomfortably close. That bothered me because its like we were behaving as if we were in a relationship without first defining it. We would text till late and stuff like that. This happened for a while till I woke up two days ago to find that text on my phone ‘HEY’….
I had just prayed and told God that I didn’t like the way this relationship was progressing. I needed an answer from her and it came faster that I had expected. ‘Whats up?’ I replied. ‘We need to talk’. My whole world stopped. I had really wanted to hear those words but at that time I didn’t know what I wanted. I felt this joy sweeping through me. I was so sure she would finally say yes and that that would be the start of a beautiful romantic relationship. Wish I had known better.
The previous Friday, I had met a few friends and we were talking about our lives, studies, relationships and just everything. I remember telling them of this girl and how I had proposed to her and that I was still waiting for her answer. We promised not to go telling other people the secrets we shared that night but of course it leaked.
At 6:43pm 12th April, 2017. ‘I ll just go straight to the point,’ she started. ‘I heard that you told your friends that you were waiting for my response. I’m really sorry if that’s how I made you think. I’m already in a relationship that has been going on for three weeks now and that should confirm to you that I’m not in a place to give you the answer you want to hear from me. Hope we ll still be friends’.
I think my heart stopped. I couldn’t hear it beat in my chest. ‘What you heard was true,’ I told her. ‘Its not you I completely understood you the first time. I just felt that I needed to give you time but I now know that we can never go beyond friendship and I appreciate that you’ve cleared that now and directly with me’.
That was just yesterday and the change in my life after that has been tremendous. I have learnt one thing about God that I wouldn’t have if anything went differently, that sometimes He overrides our free will. God had tried to speak to me through many ways telling me that this wasn’t the person He wanted me to be with, but because I was too stubborn plus she was stunningly beautiful I blocked of that channel. In the bible, Jonah was told to go preach but he chose not to.
So what did God do? He could have allowed Jonah to go his separate way and maybe punish him some time later, but he did none of that. He forced him to preach through the whale that swallowed him and everything that happened. Same to what’s happened to me. God saw that I could make a bad decision, so he made it for me and took this girl away from me. I know its for a good that I will come to understand later.
It hurts to be where I am and that’s also for anyone else reading this probably going through the same. It hurts so bad. But its okay. There’s something about going through death and loss and pain, misfortune and adversity. There is something about going through things that don’t seem fair to you need to make sense out of the whole madness in your life since you can’t change what has happened you need to at least believe that something good will come out of it.
Sometimes in life you fall down and feel like you don’t have the strength to rise up. It scares everyone and that’s okay. Every difficulty is growing us up. Every painful time, even though you don’t like it, its developing something in you that can only be developed in the tough times. The key is what we do in our times of pain. Pain will change us, heartache loss, disappointments, they don’t leave us the same.
If I had to choose then I wouldn’t have let this happen. I know God will bring someone else in my life later. I ll do my best to forget. I ll laugh it off as part of the game of love that everyone plays. I know God has forgiven me because I’ve asked Him to for not listening to Him. But I still feel the ache of having given away my heart.
What would you want on your wedding day? Nothing is quite as romantic as hearing an honest, account of a married couples love story. Though it’s hard to imagine, someday I’ll tell my children the story I’m writing with my life today. But that realization does little to save me from the puzzling maze called now. “History never looks like history when you’re living through it,” says John Gardner. “It always looks confusing and messy, and it always feels uncomfortable.” As I stand on this side of matrimony with no potential mate in sight, I’m right in the middle of the messiness and confusion. I still have so many questions.
Will I know when I’m walking through the story for the first time? Will I recognize the event that will begin the chapters of my love story with my mate? Will time stand still for one moment to tell me that this person— this one person, out of all the billions bustling on the planet— is the one? Will I realize when it happens? Or might I miss it?
Some questions are probably best left unasked. I know I should push them aside and wait for life to unfold its mysteries. Someday when I’m older and wiser I’ll sit back and tell my story to someone who will listen. And as I tell my story, will I remember the doubts and questioning prayers of today? Or will I have forgotten the silent longings; will they wash away like footprints on an ocean shore? I’ll probably tell some young fool the same things I get so tired of hearing from others. I’ll tell him to bide his time, “for it’s sure to work out in the end.”
And, of course, “you can’t rush these things.” Someday I’ll have a story to tell. So will you. How will you respond when one day you look back on your love story? Will it bring tears of joy or tears of remorse? Will it remind you of God’s goodness or your lack of faith in that goodness? Will it be a story of purity, faith, and selfless love? Or will it be a story of impatience, selfishness, and compromise? It’s your choice.
I encourage you (and continue to remind myself) to write a love story with your life that you’ll feel proud to tell.
Feel free to email me. fredrickmangula at gmail dot com
God bless.
Fred
Wonderful testimony! I can relate there this was a right not word for me of encouragement, thank you for being obedient and brave enough to share!
Im glad
Thank so for sharing! I’ve been where you are, and what really helped me is to just completely surrender and release every area of your life to God. Especially the whole relationship arena. I told God that I knew He had someone for me and in His perfect time, He will bring him to me. But in the meantime, please work on me and show me what I need to be focused on. And He had done just that, I feel so much peace, my mind is occupied on my purpose, and I dont consume myself with relationship ideals and fantasies anymore because it can easily become idolatry.
Also, God never goes against our free will. He allows us to make our own choices, sometimes we see immediate consequences for disobeying him and sometimes He closes doors in our faces and opens others, but we are free to make our own choices. In your case, it was actually proven that God doesn’t go against our free will because the young lady chose not to be in a relationship and that was her will, which didn’t match up with yours. Be encouraged, whenever God closes a door He is protecting us from what was behind it. One day, you’ll understand why this door was closed and you will laugh and rejoice in The Lord!
Thanks I really needed to hear that
Hi Fred, I kinda went through the same thing this last yr but going through a couple of relationships and making the wrong choices because of my own stubbornness, this time I did listen and know that God took this man out of my life for a lot of good reasons.., He always knows what’s best and sounds like you have gotten good insight through it all. I hope God brings a wonderful woman to you, just trust him until that right one comes…God bless
I pray that it comes to pass. Thanks for posting that
Hi Fred,
Your experience is not uncommon. This happens to us youth and singles trying to hook up with to-be spouse.
But never mind if your calculations and expectations fail at times. God has and knows the right and perfect gift. It shouldn’t stop you from trying again. Don’t let resentment or discouragement set in. Keep doing your own best building characters and values.
At the right time , Eccle 3:11
The right and perfect gift of God for you shall appear.James 1;17
Trust God for the perfect match. He has your interest at heart. He’s got your back. God bless.
Thanks for posting that. I know God will never let me down
Hello all, I am a final year law student and am believing God for a miracle. I have failed a no of exams and my gpa is of concern to me. A lot of investment has gone into this law program and I need God to do just this one miracle for me. I look up to him. Please help me pray and remember me in your prayers.
Will pray for you
Very awesome of you to share Fred. It is hard for me to trust but in this I will see His awesome love and when I am content in Him..thats our goal really I believe although qe don’t realize it…thats when He will see we are ready for the next step to love someone in selflessness because we will know its all good to give our heart in His timing..im excited to see that..but His ways are higher..
My brother was always looking for his mate but couldn’t find her and I think gave up because he knew deep down she wouldn’t be on this side of heaven I’ve come to understand ..he never spoke that but I saw it in his actions and bad choices..God took him home and probably a year after that I hot a vision of a beautiful blonde woman who came forward in my mind..then he did..with unspoken words i understood..he was searching for someone who was in heaven already..this is shown me that God’s ways are higher and we need to trust Him whole heartly to not destroy in the midst of seeing what we think we need. He provides all we need. This world can put too much on us to try to get the life we think we should have. God is going to keep us in His hand and is building us to be His only not another person’s. I have learned the hard way but so thankful I see the truth. If God gives us a mate it will be nice but nothing compared to His glory and love..but in this we should love like Christ:) i hope this helps. Peace and love in Christ family.
Thank you so much Lea. Its really special to find someone out there with whom you share such views. Its so encouraging and refreshing to hear this one more time. I pray that God keeps showing you His great and marvelous works, stuff we are told no one has seen yet.
And i love your parting phrase. Peace and love in Christ’s family.
Take Care