- wale on Finding Faith
- Hema on Sadhu Sundar Singh
- MelanieA on I Need Prayer "Matthew 18:20"
My Testimony – What Should I do Now?
March 19th, 2008
i grew up in my church my whole life. my dad is an assitant pastor in my church. everyone loves him. everyone expects me to be a good guy. i pretty much have been a good guy throughout my childhood. growing up in a christian household, was so different from everything outside of the world. my parents never really taught me anything about stuff like music, all they would listen to is christian music, i did not kno anything about any music. . . and bc of that i was made fun of by other ppl. i’ve been pushed around mostly my whole life even in church. . . by the time high school rolled around, i started becoming more and more rebellious. i would start by cutting a class and that would increase to more classes every day. i even started hanging out w. the wrong crowd, who all they did was cut and smoke weed and juss be lazy. i never smoked at all. thank god. but me and a friend starting doing graffiti, and eventually we were caught by the cops and taken to jail. it was my 1st time so i was let go the next day w. five days of community service. but then i realized that people i used to talk at school didn’t want to talk to me no more bc i cut so much. and by the end of senior year, i only had a few friends and that’s about it. now for my main problem, i was a porn addict. it all started at middle school, ppl would juss show me pics and eventually i started lookin on my on. from that, it led to clips,and then films. eventually i started masterbating which was like 3 yrs ago. it was a daily routine for me. i even did it more than once in a single day. near the end of 07, i got into a relationship w. a girl. which was good bc i stopped w. the porn, but i was pretty lustful. the 1st time me and her were together, i had the urge to have sex w. her. but then, i stopped bc it was too quick and she would get mad at me. . . i was pretty happy w. her, i didn’t need porn at all, maybe like once i looked at it. . . eventually, we broke up. . . which really saddened me. . . and i went back to porn, by feb, something happened to me. . . i had a fight(not physical) w. her which had me furious with anger and resentment. that rage eventually turned into bitter loneliness, and even w. the porn, that didn’t help at all. . . i started feelin isolated from the world, and there were times were i even threw up bc i was so depressed. i couldn’t even focus on school bc it was so stressful and when i came home, i broke down into tears. i even started thinkin about committing suicide. . . and so i prayed and for the 1st time, after all those yrs growin up in church, i accepted christ. it’s been a month since i stopped w. the porn, but i still get images in my head. there are times where when i sleep, i start dreamin about it. . . and the are times where i have the urge to go back to the net to continue where i left off. . . but i never went back to that. anyways i’m 19, but i do not feel 19, i barely know anything in the world, 1) bc i never paid attention, 2) i’m a pastors son. i’m like the worst talker ever bc i have nothing to talk about. i’m not really funny. and i’m quiet most of the time. which makes me feel even more lonely. & other than that, i don’t feel like i’m independent. i’m always takin orders from somebody else. i’m the type of guy who gets pushed around. the reason i don’t do anything back is bc i don’t wanna make it worse. but like i said, i’m like the worst talker ever. and the only real people i have in my life is my parents, a few of my cousins, and like a few friends. idk what to do from here, i know i trust christ now, i get sad but then i get better, but still, what should i do now?
March 19th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Congratulations on accepting Christ and thank you for sharing your testimony. Through an intimate relationship with Him you are sure to experience “life more abundantly” (John 10:10). The Word of God is powerful. Read relevant scriptures that will release you for the hold of pornography – “His light shines in the darkness and the darkenss will never put it out”. Please read Romans Chapter 8. It’s great! Romans 8:9 “You are controlled NOT by the sinful nature but by the Spirit”. Patiently and peacefully wait on God, He will more than meet your needs. He has friends for you, receive them in faith and they will manifest. Stay strong through prayer and the “Peace of Christ which surpusses all understanding” will be yours. Blessings to you.
March 20th, 2008 at 7:04 am
For someone who doesn’t have anything to talk about you’ve done an awesome job sharing your testimony, it’s so honest. All of your sins, weaknesses were put on Jesus on the cross and there’s no condemnation for you now, NO MATTER WHAT!!!! Jesus finished work has made you holy. It’s so hard to try and overcome our weaknesses in our own strength. We can’t do it. The more we TRY to be good the harder it is because it’s only when we rest in God’s grace can we find victory over our weaknesses. You are a Prince, an heir with Christ, an awesome person in God’s eyes. Its hard to say everything I’d like to but if you want one of my sermons I’d be happy to email it. Otherwise if you can get hold of some Pastor Joseph Prince newcreation.org.sg have a listen.
March 20th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Suicide is the last wrong choice you could ever make. You are worth a lot to Jesus; He paid with His blood for you. Your past mistakes are just that: passed. You are starting a new life in Christ; you need to surround yourself with a nurturing environment. It doesn’t sound like your church has a support group for youth and/or young adults; find one that does. You don’t need to impress or satisfy anyone right now; you need to take care of yourself. The best way to do that is by being part of a group who understands what you have been and are going through because they have had the same battles and have had found strength and victory in Christ through each other. You will find understanding, strength and support for your battles, not to mention the fellowship that you need to give you comfort in difficult times.
March 21st, 2008 at 1:36 am
2 friends are worth 200 associates do not be sad you have only one or two friends for some people travel their lives not knowing any friends. Build your relationship with your two friends and love them from this behavior you will see more friends in time teach them them same as you did and in time you like them will have many friends
March 21st, 2008 at 9:14 pm
When I was 19 I was known as “adanikan”(which can be translated to “solo” in english) cos i had no friends, didn’t attend any parties and generally did everything alone. But I didn’t mind, the people who called me names were so nasty i didn’t even want them around me, not to talk of making them my friends. All through college i had only one true friend, all the others tried to take advantage of me at one time or the other and I had to give them space. Now my secret to happiness at this time was my bible. I always read it when i was by myself because i wanted a friend that would love me and solve my problems without judging me or making fun of me, i found him and He took me under His wing, and i was always very happy. it was so serious that i did not even want to have any other friends. can you believe that? But that is Jesus for you, He will satisfy all your needs, if you would only ask him to. I’ll advise you to get a small bible that you can carry around. Get a small diary and a pencil and read your bible every time you have the chance, you’ll start being at peace with who you are and you won’t rest your happiness on human beings anymore because one day they will hurt you and make you feel very bad about who you are. Please stop sleeping with your girlfriend and reading pornography, those are wrong. Also don’t feel bad about being a pastor’s son, it is more than a blessing for you because you are in a holy home. Try discussing your problems with the parent you are close to, preferably your father, if he counsels other people i don’t think he would want to see his own son in trouble right?
May God bless you and be your one true friend.
March 26th, 2008 at 2:06 am
lol i never slept w. my girl. . . but i had a strong urge for lust. it’s getting less and less by the day. (thank God).
but other than that,i’m starting to build some hope within myself. it’s tough bc i get scared from time to time but i pray when that happens. i know that now, i must not give up, i’m on a mission to get closer to God.
April 2nd, 2008 at 12:40 am
hey tjazz, is your life now? you told me about what happened when you were 19, but how old are you now? did God give you friends that you can actually trust?
April 10th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Hey man great testimony, I can totally relate to this. I’m 20 years old and grew up in a Christian home as an assistant pastor’s son as well. I also was addicted to porn and had a girlfriend, and was devestated when we broke up. Thankfully, through Christ I overcame the addiction. The truth is, pornography gives you a distorted view of women, and no matter how hard you try to deny that, it will blind you. Though it is a struggle to get out of it, when you trust Christ and ask for his help to carry you through, He will. And you will look back and think wow, thank God I am not chained to that anymore. It truly is freeing. Jesus saves!
May 19th, 2008 at 6:23 am
Read Nehemiah 4:1-3,6-9,13-15;6:15. Read Phil 4:13. Read Isa 54:17 Read I Cor 5:18. Read John 10:10. Read Matt chapter 5-7 and meditate on Jesus word. No man can heal you of your sins and issues except Jesus Chirst. None of us can force you to do anything. It is going to take the Blood of Jesus and the Power of the Holy Ghost to break this sin and bondage that you are in. You are a Pastors son for a reason. Read Jer 29:11. God has a plan for you that is great. You have a gift and a ministry and you will be attacked by Satan just like the rest of your brothers. The apostle Paul talks about how he desires pray but he also recognizes that their are brothers all over the world who are suffering for the gospel just like him. You are going to make it. I like how you said that you praised God for not committing the intercourse act with your lady friend. You should be thanking God for that alot of us brothers take the liberty. Being a Chirstian is very fun, its very exciting and entertaining, your never alone and you have hope to make it when your facing hard times. But also there is some suffering. None of us get away scotch free. The bible says, ” Those who desire to live Godly shall suffer persecution”. I encourage you to read about christians in Africa and Asia and other parts of the world who are being physically hurt for professing the name of Jesus Chirst. When we begin to think about other peoples problems and how we can help them that is when we become men. You are a man of God. A child of God. God died for you he paid his blood for you. You are very special in the eyes of God. But your just like the rest of us your beating yourself up for no reason. Don’t let the masterbation and the porn stop you from serving Jesus. Keep serving him, keep reading your bible, keep going to church, keep helping your mother and father and the pastor, your a leader get into your role. Once you embrace your power God will start showing things that you could have never imagined. I’m a singer, I have the gift of healing peopel through song. I love it now when I sing a solo at church and I watch the holy spirit heal people. Brother that is better than any porn or girl or piece of money ever. Keep letting God use you and your gift. My prayers are with you. You have already made it. Rejoice in Jesus every second.
February 22nd, 2009 at 4:48 pm
hey man i was reading your story and so many things lined up with my life. I’m 21. I had a very strong attraction to a girl (really hott one) and she ended up breaking my heart. Umm, I can honstly say I feel like i don’t have any friends at this moment (of course theres people i have interactions with, but nobody that i feel REALLY loves me). Another thing we have in common is my parents are the musicians at my church. My mom plays the piano, my dad plays the trumpet. He can go up and talk to anybody, within a second they’re howling and (like your dad) everybody likes him. I also have some problems with porn. (Lately I’ve realized how destructful it is to me, and thankfully, I don’t want to do it anymore even though i have a few week moments). I get the dreams often, too. The dreams didn’t start until i really said to myself that i needed to stop. But one positive note is that i have been able to cut back on the porn in my own mind lately (compared to the amount of time i spent thinking about it for the past several years). I also get depressed and angry and sad and feel worthless. I do believe in the Lord. People keep saying that when youre the weakest, God is the strongest; that God can turn your bad situations into positive ones; on, and on. I’ve read a lot of Joel Osteen, which gives me hope. Exercise helps with depression as well. But as for you and me, God has to be in our situations SOMEWHERE. And I like what tjazz said about Jesus being your only friend. I may take stalk of that and read my Bible right now.
Basically, I know your pain. I get looks from people like you probably do. Nobody wants to be around me most of the time. I dont feel like the “old me” that i was as a child that used to make people smile. But, i’d like to hear back from you on what you think. I don’t know you at all but we have at least a few things in common so…Stay strong. Hope for better times. (P.S. Through my several years of lonliness I’ve found a lot of ways that I have actually benefited from the pain.)
Thanks for sharin the story and hopefully you reply back soon
February 26th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Hi there,
I have gone through your story i want to give you a piece of advice it is the problem with the age you are in i know how you feel like tempted to do things that is satan he is telling to jesus see how i got your son into trouble problems comes to every one do you think is there any human being with out problems it will be one or other. for you this is the problem i may be having different kind of problem so try to make good choices in life never try to underestimate parents they have come through all of this and they want the best for there kids and they are only the people who stick by you in your good or bad. i want to tell you is go to church regularly listen some music when u feel lonely and depressed jesus sends his sprit through his words he is there waiting for you open up your self to him he will let you into his arms, he knows to take care of his kids. praise the lord let all the good happen with you in your life
May 6th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I think you’re very brave to be this honest and I respect you very much for it. By the way I am a female and I have had depressive times too. If you ever feel like suiciding or wishing you were dead, don’t feel ashamed about going to a doctor and asking for medication. God gave us brains to use and he gave doctors the brains to help us. So lets rejoice in that. Maybe some counselling too. Is there someone in your church older than you who you can confide in or maybe at another church, an elder somewhere…? I know in my country there is a course called “Valiant Man” that helps men with these things (and yes there are courses for women too). Anyhow please don’t think you are alone- we are all here to help each other and you have taken the first step in reaching out, Good on you.