January 20th, 2013
Hi, I would just like to ask for prayer please. I don’t know how to explain this very well. I desperately want to go to church and belong in church… because I feel that is being obedient to the Lord, and also I just want to go. He is more important and more precious to me than anything else in my life. I’m afraid that if I don’t go that I might drift away from Him or be deceived away from Him – I couldn’t bear that to happen. I’m afraid too that it would be disobedient not to go, because He says clearly in His Word that we should not “neglect the assembling together of the believers”.
I really want to go to church and have gone my whole life (even before I got to really know the Lord and was saved when I was 20). The only times I’ve not gone have been when I was really sick, travelling away where there was no church, or a few times in the past year when I just couldn’t face it anymore. I’m in my mid-thirties now. I’ve tried to keep going even though I feel like crying every week and often so upset after it that it takes a few days to get over. The problem is I don’t know how I can endure it anymore. Please pray for me for healing, deliverance, guidance in this matter. I’m so upset about it now, that I’m not hearing clearly from the Lord about it.
Tomorrow it’s Sunday again and I’m in tears. I dread it every week. My problem is I’m afraid of people. I can’t relax and trust anyone. I feel crushed when I’m in Church where everyone seems to know everyone else and has friends and as usual I’m on my own. I’ve alienated everyone because if they do speak to me, I’m so afraid I come across weird. Or else I work up a load of energy to hide my fear and act friendly (I believe I am a friendly person underneath it all if it wasn’t for this fear). The problem is I can’t sustain the concentration it takes to act against how I’m feeling, sooner or later it comes out and people think I’m strange. (I don’t just have this problem in church it affects every relationship in my life – so I don’t really have many relationships). The thing with church is the expectation you’re supposed to belong, and I definitely don’t even though I have tried so hard over the years. I long to have some Christian friends. I feel so alone in my faith. I have some friends in work – which is a miracle in itself and a blessing from God. But they are not Christians so our friendship only goes so far. There’s a lot we don’t have in common. I often feel I could die with loneliness.
I feel such pain over it I feel like hitting my head against a wall. The week before last the pain and fear I felt about going to church again led me to throw up and I felt a terrible feeling of anxiety way beyond the normal. The only way I could calm down was not to go back last Sunday.
Is it really bad not to go to church? Please pray for me.