Testimony Share

Jesus delivered me from Depression! I am a wife and mother of three and have worked as a Clinical Nurse in Mental Health for 8 years and as a Drug and Alcohol Clinical Nurse for almost 4. I have had intermittent issues with anxiety and depression all my life as a Christian. I came from a Christian home but did not always stay in the Christian faith due to all the religion I saw and how a lot of what I was taught didn’t add up. I picked up that I was flawed, insufficient and broken and that the God of the Universe condescended himself to die for me but really wasn’t that delighted in me as a person….He was distant and a sort of concept…I tried hard to live up to the law I was taught but this just frustrated me more and more which lead to me giving up and believing that I was irredeemable…this led to a downward slippery slope where I totally morally derailed…I ended up going through a few very traumatic events and lost my fiance in a motor cycle accident…I had an experience with Jesus and dedicated my life to him but was soon confused by what I experienced again in church…this led to a search for deeper answers and truth, journeying through a myriad of churches and studying the bible at bible college….I went into counselling because I cared for others who struggled with anxiety and depression and wondered what the secular world had to say about it…I found some things useful but was even more disappointed with what I found there than in the church…eventually I was led to a Grace church called Field of Dreams in Adelaide South Australia. Here I experienced the love of the father like never before and was exposed to the fact that He is a God of the Supernatural…Faith increased and then the Lord showed me that I was healed , once and for all from depression. He also lead me to write a book about being delivered from depression. At that church I was introduced to John Crowder, Kathie Walters, Jeff Jansen, Winnie and Georgian Banov, Godfrey Birtill and other people who preached the finished work of the cross. I realised that it is ALL God and I don’;t have to strive and try be good enough…it is all Him and he has given me a new identity and I am a new creation in Him.. He has done it and I am healed. I was lead to write the book before I was off my medication, in faith…I wrote my testimony and autobiography of my life…outlining all the things I experienced in churches, the abuses and the good things, the theology that bound me up and the theology that set me free, my struggles and inner thought processes and how Holy Spirit led me into truth. By the time I finished writing the book I was off of all my medication and feeling great!! Since all the revelation broke in, my faith has grown, my relationships changed, my work is ‘light and delightful’ and not so burdensome, I have insights and revelations to give my clients and I am looking forward to a glorious future in Him!! He is so good…I feel more and more intimate with him on a daily basis and have learnt to walk in the spirit day by day. He lead me to dance again and start a dance group and much fruit has been born from this ministry. Praise the Lord!

i have somthing to share also, this vision i saw is some thing unusual but first of all i want to clarify to you that im not insane or suffering for some illnesess. i dont know where to start but then there was this vision january 9 2012, im a roman catholic o still live with my family , 20 years old , i got alots of vices but im on my way and keeps on pursuing to change my self and so i started to read the  bible day and night, i keep praying day and night. making some vows that would keep up my relationship with the lord jesus christ.

Then there was this morning, i woke up and do my morning prayer humbly asking lord to walk in my heart and show wether in my dreams or in reality, and so i woke up and pray. i breathe and the sun shines and blind my sight and so i move a little from left to the right side of my bed , and continue to pray. again , i closed my eyes (concious) then started to pray our father . and i was totally shocked! and make my heart beat, in my vision i saw a man with white robe standing in an open door like a tunnel and at the door theres a sky, i tell you the truth, i was shocked and concious and so i opened my eyes and i was like what!!! im not dreaming! and i closed  my eyes again and it was there! then i open my eyes again and went to the window and kneel and closed my eyes again. i cant see his face
because im at the back of him, and i walk through him and he turned back and look at me and i dont know why my head fell
down to his feet, and he goes near me and said ‘take heart, and dont let go for the kingdom of heaven is at your midst’ something like that. and when i try to look at hes face again. my vision was lost and backed to normal.

i just want to share this experience, btw i forgot to tell you that the sky i saw is not pure white. it looks quite reddish. thats all. god loves us. we must hold and make up our relationship with him.

I want to start off by saying how difficult this is for me to share my story with all those who will read this. This is a true story and accurate to the best of my ability to remember.

Even though many of you will never see my face, the thoughts of those scars residing in times past, will without mercy overwhelm me, bringing that dark and tortured heartless nightmare back to a saved man once again. I should tell you even though these memories may bring great sadness to my heart, they by no means thrash me in slavery as they once did in my past. I am a man who has been covered by the blood of One who truly loves me, so much so, that when He took that wicked man that I was, upon Himself, I became stripped and emptied awaiting new instruction, left with a radiant new heart saved from the slavery in which I was chained to, for what I thought was an eternity without hope.

As a child I grew up in a home which harbored great physical abuse upon me and my siblings whenever we did anything wrong, or just because our father endured a trying day at work. My memories take me back to a time when my father’s rewards for our wrongs would bring the wrath of his belt, his fist or his open hands, and if by any means he did not feel satisfied, he would grab us by the ankles, hanging us upside down against the wall and would proceed in beating our heads into the floor.

We would be playing with great joy and sharing the thoughts of a child-like fantasy in some made up war theme, playing with little green army men, when suddenly our father, swinging the door open to our room with great force, bringing us to an immediate trembling in fear of the pain that was about to take place, grabbed my brother lifting him under the shoulder with one hand bringing him high and to the wall, proceeded to beat him as if he were a monstrous beast to be killed.

My heart would race and tears would fall from my eyes knowing that I was next and with great confusion and despair I could not find a place to hide avoiding the anger that filled my father’s heart at that very moment. When he finished with his violent corrections inflicted upon my brother, he quickly threw him aside and turned towards me as if a lions hunger was left unsatisfied. Quickly grabbing my shirt by the chest, with great force he threw me against the wall striking me in all vulnerable areas across my body, leaving me feeling each blow like a rippling explosion consuming my body every second. With a quickening speed, he pulled me away from the wall just to slam me back up against it once again, removing the very breath that was left within my body, bringing my cries for my mother to a silence.

Finishing his wrath from exhaustion, he threw me into the dresser as if I were a toy with such strength that it toppled over and crushed me underneath. The pain from the dresser falling upon my body was so over whelming that I again lost my breath, leaving me with an inability to cry out. Then walking out to leave us to care for our own wounds, we laid very still attempting to calm our rapid breathing, crying in silence, horribly afraid to make our father’s wrath any worse.

That night alone in my room after bedtime, by sheer desperation, after so many years of abuse I sought the help with praying hands calling upon satan himself to end my father’s reign in our lives. In peril and torment lasting day after day, hatred and anger became common place within my heart, birthing a vengeance inside of me that only satan himself could place a definition upon, and by no means was this vengeance passive or unresponsive. At the very age of 9 years old, I fired back, but not of my own will….. something in me snapped, and even though I was still small in comparison to my father, I was a monster to be feared.

After a beating from my father one day, as he was walking out, I broke. My whole body and thought process just shattered. It was as if something else hoarded itself within me, taking over. Coming up from the floor with fire screaming from my eyes, I proceeded to attack my father grabbing anything and everything that was available to me at that time. From that moment on I could only remember bits and pieces of flashes as to what happened in all that took place. I had no idea as to what I had done, the most I can remember is my father running from me heading down the stairs and from there everything went black as if my very existence ceased. I awoke and everything in my room was destroyed, I struggled for air but couldn’t get enough, my sight was hindered by a fading blackness that would come and go within seconds, my body was paralyzed with exhaustion having tears falling from my eyes rolling off my cheeks, listening to every drop hit the floor as if I were floating over a pond.

Within a few minutes of my awakening I heard sirens, and soon after, the sounds of many footsteps racing up the stairs running to my room with many people hovering over me as if I were going to die. Sweeping me away just as quickly, they placed me, tied to a gurney, arms and legs restrained from any movement injecting me with something that immediately put me to sleep. When I awoke from the medication that was injected into me, I found myself locked in an institution being assessed for information concerning my long term stay.

It is with great sadness for me to say that my fears and pains were not over, I had a false hope of safety from the pains that I thought would end. I was now starting with a completely new round of torture and pain, one that I knew never existed, leaving me feeling hopeless and worthless as if my very life meant nothing to anyone. I was left without hope of ever feeling the love and joy from any one person again. I soon found myself in a downward spiral facing over 20 different institutions with my years as a youth and young adult. In those institutions, much hardships and hatred was engraved into me, searing within the very depths of my soul. I was at the mercy of those whom I was supposed to trust and yet even they found in their temptation ways to hurt me without others having any knowledge, threatening me of the oncoming doom I would endure if I was to ever reveal their dirty secrets. In my growth relationships with others was, “to say the least”, unhealthy. All my friendships and relationships were born and tilled in these institutions. My first girl, fights, fun, arguments and schooling were all part of my life in these institutions. I even received my GED under the guardianship of a state institution.

By the time I was sent back to my parents, we were moved by my father’s new job within months of my release. In no time, I lost the ability to remain in my new home because of my disobedience leaving me homeless and in hunger. I ended up finding a place to stay in these apartments that were being constructed about a mile away and my little brother with his great dedication would bring me food and drink, hoping for a better solution to my situation. But in desperation and lack of wisdom and anger, I felt I had to make a choice and I knew no one in the new state that I lived in and knew many from the state that I left , so with little, money and no clothes to pack I left and headed to those I knew best and felt safest. To my surprise very few came to my response for help and being under age I had no real avenue or prospects for work. The streets became my home now and I soon found out just how keen predators were in picking out those who were runaways or just lost and desperate souls.

It happened within the first day, I was manipulated into going with this man to his home and being as hungry as I was, the promise of money through small tasks, seemed alluring, tempting me to a degree of happiness through the pounding uneasiness residing within the depths of my stomach. As soon as we got to his home these tasks changed and he took off his shirt and requested that I rub his back. I was in danger and I knew it, so giving him a relaxed agreement, I told him to lay down and when he did I immediately ran to and out the door and continued to run until I could take no more hiding in a building shaking in great fear of him ever finding me. You may find this to be a lesser story to which you might have wanted to read but nevertheless the impact of the immediate danger was real and the offences of my past granted me the wisdom of discernment. The rules of survival had changed; I was no longer living in a controlled environment and no longer were others also limited by their environment. It was a grab for all, especially in the parts of the city that I found to be easy access to the things I might need.

As days went on I soon became so overwhelmed with hunger that I raided a McDonalds dumpster in order to fill my stomach. And fill that stomach I did. My time spent looming on the streets left cold, hungry and scared had me searching for places on a nightly basis to rest my head in a safe environment. The goodwill dumpsters became my home at night finding warm donated blankets and safety because I could dig myself deep and be hid out of site. About a year later I was so fed up with the life on the streets being unpredictable at every turn I soon pickup a pay phone and dialed 911 telling them that I was a run away from another state and I needed help. It didn’t take long for them to arrive and with gentleness they brought me back to the station and questioned me as to where I was from and do I want to go back. As much as I didn’t want the same thing to continue to happen with me and my father I said yes I want to go home. The officer got up from the table and went and called my parents house and soon returned with an angered look upon his face, and with compassion and regret he told me my father never wanted to see me again. I was speechless but not surprised and yet for some reason it hurt. I was soon within 1hr or so delivered to a lockup for kids until they could determine what to do with me. Within weeks I was taken in front of the family courts asking me as to why I was in the situation that I was and with the answer explained they were still left as to where to put me. I told them that I could stay at a homeless shelter until my birthday and then they could release me from state guardianship at that time reaching the age of 18.

To my surprise this was allowed.

After years in this never ending cycle of a perverted and tampered edition to the meaning of life, I did find a way out and to me it was the Holy Grail (Drugs and alcohol). These two mind bending products hid the pain and brought about a boy who in times past could only fantasize such happiness. By no means did this cure me as to what I thought was my life beginning anew, though I was numb to the abominations of my current and past circumstances, what I felt to be a new life soon became a hidden liability changing me into the hunter and not the hunted. I inflicted much pain and tribulations upon those whom I thought were my friends and those closes to me, even the stranger passing by. I’ve stabbed people, and stolen that which never belonged to me, from homes, people, cars and whatever I suppose you could ponder. I received what I reaped in many lockup facilities and each time I came out going right back to the drugs and alcohol, those products I felt to be the loved ones of my life in that I could trust and base my daily decisions on. I know now more than ever that if I hadn’t been under such influence of drugs and alcohol that there would be several people who would be at peace in their lives, not troubled over being victimized by what they may interpret as a heartless piece of trash worthy of only darkness behind bars.

The thrashings of my past living within me dictating and consuming my soul with fire left me alone not only within myself but brought a wall between me and my Creator. It was always the thoughts as to why did all this happen to me and how can I end this with the impurities and evil to be imputed to all those whom I felt transgressed me. I, of myself, became an idol to my surroundings and by no means did I ever feel or consider as though I was undeserving of the satisfaction for revenge. I cannot stress the hatred and the evil that took comfort within the depths of me. I felt as if you all had no right to live and with that I was the one who should address the actions into your deaths. I ponder wicked thoughts in my heart and wished horrible things to take place upon others hoping for their torturous downfall. I wasted so much time hoping for the fall of those who hurt me, wishing those who tore pieces from my heart would suffer a greater torment.

I never knew how much time I wasted in allowing such thoughts to consume me. My anger and hatred for others imprisoned me. I was no one but belonged to everyone. I’ve spent 35 years of my life thinking of nothing more but vengeance. In that energy and emotion I spent so much in thought towards others that I found myself to be lonely, hurting for more, searching for truth and peace from this torture that I myself fed throughout my lifetime. Eventually my anger directed itself inward. I found myself to be thinking bad thoughts just by habit and yet my very heart cried out for understanding and comfort. I could take no more, I knew no way out, my very life was consumed with the thoughts of others and they themselves where carrying on with their lives as joyful and fulfilling without thought of me. I didn’t matter to them.

I was broken and didn’t know it, I was laid up in sickness and dying in an illness that consumed me by habit. The doctors knew and spoke of my nearing death. I was finally at the end I could go no father in my dying body and I knew within the marrow of my very bones that I was condemned. I knew even though that every part of me was wicked and undeserving that there was hope, I knew because I saw no other path that lead out but the path of righteousness. I broke down and cried upon my covers and asked with a fearful broken heart calling out to God, Save me Father, save me, I am so undeserving of your love, let alone your desiring attention, yet I, Father, ask within my cold and wicked heart will you please take this broken man that you see and save me from the depth of hell that I so well deserve.I am yours I surrender; you have all of me, do with me what you wish, just please come into my life and save me my Father.

With those last words coming to a finish in my prayerful cries to God a voice penetrated every part of my body giving me that chance allowing me to know that He would be there for me, but it was the only chance I had. I was afraid, I had not experienced such a thing in my life, but I submitted to His authority and from that very moment on I walked as a new born baby, walking and stumbling throughout my new growth with a new heart. I cried so much in pain from all the years I’ve wasted not knowing the love and forgiveness that God’s Son Jesus Christ has had awaiting for me. My life was made new in Christ, I am in love with others and think not of the wicked things I can do to others, but have much concern for those who take so much of their own thoughts and time to justify their hatred. I stemmed such growth on the very words of God to counsel me in my every step. If I slipped and reverted to a sneaking wicked habit I would call out the words of encouragement and love from the Bible, casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ. I knew in my heart that I was a refined individual stepping ever closer to that heavenly gift promised to me. And yes my friends my walk with Christ was not one filled with riches and complete peace in this world but one filled with riches and peace within the Holy Spirits residing presence in my body, having a growth and understanding from the temptations and hard times, refining the new man that I am, founded firmly in God’s word ready for that righteous and revealing Day of Judgment for all.

In all, I may have had some hard times in my growth with God but my heart stayed at peace in Jesus and as I drew closer to Him, He drew closer to me, filling me with his wisdom and love for all. I could not and would not trade my true love “God Almighty the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ” for the life that I left behind. I no longer stand in fire with the hatred of satan within my heart. I now stand in righteousness firmly founded upon the true wisdom in guidance and love for every thought and step I take in this new life. Our anger that we hold in our hearts, only projects an image of immaturity and loneliness posting our feelings as if we deserved the throne of charity, boasting around about as if we owned authority. We already stand condemned in our lives without Christ Jesus, even if we live a life of joy and prosperity, even if you fill that you stood strong guiding your children up in great wisdom, even if you strived to love and give to others with all your might and dedication.

In all this,… anger,… depression,… happiness,… a giving heart,… a dedicated mother or father or a hard responsible worker, you will still stand condemned being judged alone and your sentence will be that of an eternity in the depths hell to be tormented forever, never seeing another death again.

If you have not the Father, all that you do stands against the Father being sin and the Father being God Almighty in His Righteous Judgment cannot and will not look upon you with mercy in that revealing day of his Glorious Sons coming for the gathering of his children, those who have died first then those who stand alive next but all taken within a twinkling of an eye.

But in all this suffering and prideful living, we don’t have to stand alone to face this judgment and condemnation, for we have an attorney (Jesus Christ), an advocate standing with powers far above kings and kings against kings, ruling all as far beyond the sights that man could endure to see or imagine. Where by Him in His unwavering love, will stand in our place and speak of the great sacrifice that has been given to cover our sins. There is no room for Christ in our lives while such bountiful riches in our hearts take weight to the wants and desires of this world in the individual’s life.

You may fill as though it’s too much to give up, too much has been done, I have so much to straighten out, if only I can just put this away. Take this, my very words to heart with all sincerity that I speak to you…. Through the very thoughts being of the same mind in times past that you now have, I give you this promise as even the Father has promised me and all those who come to Him unclean or clean. You can at anytime with a sincere and repentive heart call upon the name of Jesus Christ confessing your sins no matter how big or small and in you will He fill with His Holy Spirit, renewing your hearts in a new birth ready for that redeeming and revealing day of salvation for all whom believe in the Son of God. Remember also this, if by any means this may comfort you, God does not measure salvation by the weight that you carry, instead the Fathers Son Jesus Christ enduring the burdens of sin throughout the world died so that he could lift that weight off your shoulders carrying it for you.

When I gave all that I was to Jesus allowing his love to bear my burdens, I became free in spirit and mind. I can only pray and look upon you with a wishful heart that you would share such a gift with me being released and having hope in the now and ever after.

This testimony is such a small piece from that person you may think you see. But let me please with love speak to you with gratitude thanking my Father God almighty and the Father of our precious Lord Jesus Christ, that by my tribulations and trials, though they be in many numbers, they are the golden cups by which I may drink of for your edification, confirming the love and patience of our Father, tilling and planting the purity of truth into your groaning hearts for the revelation of Jesus Christ your Savoir and love, that you by no means search any excuse to deny Him but by the wants of your own hearts condemning yourselves to the eternal condemnation awaiting all those that choose by freewill “that” which they can see, leaving behind “that” which they cannot see bringing the very words “Faith and Hope” to no avail.

I pray my most precious love. Please awaken a dead, angry and wounded heart out of the condemnation of eternal fire awaiting those who know you not and give them the same confirming hope that you so graciously blessed upon me. Watch over them and give them light to see, circumcising their minds for your glory and their understanding, walking in confidence on that narrow road leading to your kingdom. Bless them Father Bless them even from the very concerns of my heart, if it be your will. In your Son’s Blessed name I pray for them Father, for your Glory and Kingdom will come, in your name will a new earth be revealed and may we all find Your Welcoming Arms awaiting us in our day of redemption.
Amen.

This is in continuation to the post of faith that I would be made well after a compound fracture which I sustained in RTA.

To those who are down or in mental stress of an accident and suffering from multiple fracture, I assure you that the same Jesus who healed me, can heal u too.  He is a never changing God, his assurances are true.  You only got to believe Him upfront, he will heal you seeing your faith. I believed that I would be made well on 31st Oct, He did made me walk independently within 40 days of my faith declaration of my pevious  post.

Glory be to Lord Jesus. Amen

I am currently 6 wks pregnant, yesterday I had some really bad cramping and brown discharge. I went to the ER, they did my HCG levels and they stated it was kind of on the lower side but there was nothing to compare it to. The ultrasound did not reveal any baby. And, I found out I was RH negative – which is a condition in which your body sees the baby as a foreign object and fights it. I was given a shot called Rhogham which helps to prevent your body from fighting the fetus. I dont know if its too late but I am praying to the Lord that this child that was given to me and my husband will be our miracle. I have an appointment tomorrow to repeat the lab work and ultrasound and praying that its positive. It has taken us a long time to get here and pray that we dont have to start all over. Please keep us in prayer! Thank you all. God is good and I know that there is nothing he can’t do.

I now Understand what it means to be faithful, stand still and wait on the Lord.

I am the person who was giving up on God because I was failing some college classes. I am the person who wanted to rip off the bible but that same night when I cried to God accusing Him for not responding to me, He still made me kneel down and pray.

Some of you might have read them already and gave me really wonderful  advice and upliftment.  I failed Physics which means I have to retake it, I didnt fail calculus but the grade wasn’t what I wanted but I give thanks to the almighty.  I have never searched for God like I am doing right now, imagine if I was having all As, would you think I would keep in mind that there was a God?  The answer is NO.  I can not tell you how much this experience has given me strength, patience, hope and courage to continue on waiting on the Lord. He is faithful my dear friends . As for now, I read the Bible in the morning and night time, I am just a typical college teenager who could have been spoiled and think that I was smarter than everybody and was cool but God said no no no, let me teach you the way.

Although sometimes when I’m sitting in a class where I feel challenged, I feel like im being looked down  at because I can’t give good answers,  I just feel like im dumb but I have told the Lord that grades should not fully define who I am and what I am capable of doing in my life.  The worst part is that I am a pre-med student, a sophomore and my pre-med advisor is telling me to drop my major and I told him no. I am a chemistry major and I love it, enjoy it, im passionate about learning about it and this is it. It is just the Physics and Calculus which I am struggling with. So far, I have taken hard 3 calculus courses and the struggle i went through is not worth dropping my major in the middle of nowhere.  I have told God that I will fail doing chemistry if I have to because this is what I love. I cant quit now and so many people have offered me help, I have started studying for my classes already so that I can go ready to ask my professors questions.  I believe that the Lord has my right hand and He is forever faithful. My struggles are nothing to Him and He is greater than them.

I just wanted to give thanks to the Lord because I have realized that It is all about praising  Him, pleasing Him and follow Christ. This world has nothing for me. Since letting God be  my helper, I have so much freedom in me, although sometimes I get worried,  I have learned that the Lord is always here to help me. He does not sleep or rest but He is with me in everyday of my life.

I dont know how to thank God but I am a strong person and the Lord will reward me for being faithful. God of the God and Kings of the Kings, He deserves Praise.

Please pray for me that I continue to be strong and trust in the Lord. Thank you my family and God bless you all.

A little over 2 years ago now I came to be obediant to Christ.  I had accepted him when I was young, but as an adult I had a true revelation of God through Christ then.  When it happened, my world was changed.  I stopped hanging out, stopped smoking marijuana, and just really wanted to live a life pleasing to God.  I wanted His will.

During this time, my boyfriend and I broke up.  I was very hurt by it, but because I wanted God’s will so bad–I believed that whatever was happening was His will.  Well, the feelings I had for him never went away.  I thought about him a lot and prayed for him.  Eventually I fasted asking God why I felt this way and what to do, and God told me that him and I were meant to be.  I couldn’t believe it, but it explained why I felt so deeply.  In the natural, I really had no reason to.

A year went by with him and I talking here and there.  I stayed prayerful and God began to give me signs and wonders in reference to him and other areas of my life.  But I was also very focused in, on, and with God.  I trusted Him for everything and I just yearned to grow deeper in relationship with Him.

At the time, I was also unemployed.  Under instruction of God I had picked up a few part time jobs, but I believed God was and is showing me my true purpose, so he hadn’t placed me into anything full-time.  I have been diligent with my money and just learning biblical practices and trying to apply them all over my life.  I had even ran for an elected position, and that was a dream to me.  I couldn’t and still can’t believe what God brought out of me through those proccesses.

During the year that my boyfriend and I weren’t together, his main issue was because we couldn’t have sex and how my “new” relationship with God and religious lifestyle (according to him, church mostly) had changed me and my conversation.  He is saved, but just haven’t really had that true revelation of Christ nor who he is in Christ.  So he really didn’t get it.  Eventually, God moved and about 6 months ago he said that he really didn’t want to lose me and that he wanted to try our relationship without sex.  I have seen such growth in him since.  But, we did have sex a few times.  Each time, I would feel so bad and him and I would pray afterward, but it kept happening.

Now, it hasn’t happened anywhere near the way it would have had we been “free” to fornicate…but nevertheless, it happened.  I found out recently that I’m pregnant.  So much has changed, he has begun to come to church with me and is more open to hear the word of God, but he’s still not where I would want my boyfriend to be.  Does that make sense?

Throughout the process of getting close to God, I became attracted to men of God.  Not that anyone is perfect, but someone who knew the importance of praise, worship, prayer, and sacrifice, became my desire.  It’s only because I believe God that I got back with my boyfriend (God saying we are meant to be).  And I don’t regret doing so–God has revealed him to me in many different and intimate ways that it has been confirmed in my spirit that our relationship is God’s design….But now that I’m pregant, not only do I have extreme guilt for what I have done, but fear of what will happen, what God thinks of me, all circle through my mind.

I know that God still loves me, I know He knows my heart–but is this my punishment?  I also feel bad about not wanting to be pregnant, because it’s just my current financial situation and marital status that has me so regretful.  My boyfriend is happy and wants a family.  He wants to get married.  Somehow I just feel stuck.

I remember a season when I started becoming busier with work and running for office and I felt like God was weining me off of Him.  I no longer had as much time to meditate on His word, or at least in the way I use to…I would take long walks near the water and sit and write.  It’s like I was being thrusted into the “real world” and I begged God to let me stay with him.  I had a revelation then that God was sending me out…and look what happened when I went out?

I know I just need to walk in faith…and I can truly say I feel very humbled.  I can’t believe I messed up like this.  I just don’t see how all of this is going to work out for my good…..

Can anyone relate?

This is the first time I have written my testimony, I feel called to tonight described how God has changed everything and brought me into a life of freedom and sanity.  Now is the time to declare and share how we have each been rescued from the ‘watery grave’ and the miracle of our new lives. This generation is facing a major attack and we must be on the front line and ready to heal all around us by His Spirit.

At the age of thirteen I met my first believers and while writing a short story about the crucifixion had a life changing experience that left me committed to following God completely. I left my home in england and went to live with a Christian family in America and then a boarding school. It was time of growth and deep faith during my teenage years, I was kept away from all the usual peer pressure and felt I was the path to becoming a true man of faith. But inside I was keeping a secret, I was experiencing strong homosexual feelings, it was like leading a double life inside and somewhere along the way I stopped praying for help and began to quietly give into my desires, I lost the strength and commitment I had felt and began to feel frustrated so returned to Europe and my secular background to explore the homosexual life, I gradually lost contact with my spiritual past and became a ‘contented’ gay man living in London, I was young, attractive, well travelled and a great job, I felt complete..but gradually over the years the excitement dimmed, I fell in love with a Muslim man and spent years hoping, praying and trying to create a secure relationship with him. I wanted nothing else for a long time and when I finally realised it was never going to be possible because of both his beliefs and denial, something in me caved in, I lost all feelings of self respect and confidence. I reasoned why should attempt to be ‘good’ when I was being refused the one desire of my heart.

My best friend at the time was seriously hedonistic  and with him I entered a life of debauchery, hard drug use and casual relationships, at the same time I lost my job and then house because I couldnt pay the bills. I camped at friends houses or found men to stay with, life became this struggle to survive, I refused to ask my family for help and I started to feel at home with this existence, all I really cared about was the next high,the next escape, my reality was so warped.  One morning  this best friend and I were recovering after one of our 30 hour benders and he started to suddenly tell me that he had a wonderful solution for our financial problems, he had in the past he said to my amazement done male escort work and wanted to start again. I was shocked because. like me, he was an educated guy from a ‘nice’ family and I just hadnt imagined it possible. He said he had a contact I should meet and just to try it out. At the time I was so in thrall to him, and to the idea of any easy way to be able to continue this lifestyle that I went along with it. I was asked to come and meet a South african man, very handsome and clean cut,not at all what I expected. We sat in his beautiful apartment and he told me It was only a service to help lonely professional men who wanted someone attractive and fun to take out to dinner and amuse them, nothing serious was expected and I completely set the limits. I agreed to this as long as I felt in charge and he called two days later to go to Paris with another guy. The ‘other guy’ never materialised and I ended up in a hotel with a very famous film director. It was a positive start that quietened the last of my doubts and I agreed to see another client. It is very hard for me to write this and admit that I was capable of performing such a deed, but I was a very lost boy and this offered me a chance to feel adored and accepted and very easy money to finance the  highs to escape my misery. I became friends with a couple of other guys involved and was impressed by their seeming glamour and professionalism. In my deep heart though I knew it wasnt for me, I couldnt follow them down that road and after my third client I decided to break the link with the agency. I stayed close platonic  friends with one of the organisers though, he had a ready supply of drugs and was great company and praised and flattered me. I ended up cleaning the corporate apartments he rented out and one evening walked into a church and bursting into tears realised again the reality of God and His overwhelming love for me. I am afraid I continued using drugs but something in me started to grow, I began to pray and feel maybe I was called for something else.

I also began to realise I was in the snare of this man and his attentions began to grow obsessive, when i finally told him I needed a break and not to contact me for a while, something in him snapped and he began to persecute me in a way I could never have imagined, he would call my phone hundreds of times in one day and send me horrific, abusive messages, emails and even to the new workplace I had just started in . I felt utterly trapped, I was terrified he would exact revenge by telling my family and friends of what i had been involved in in the past, that fear kept me bound to him for a long time, and he knew it. His voice spoke inside me constantly, threatening me. He would call me each night after a bottle of whisky and tell me what a filthy person I was and that I deserved pain and punishment. and I let him do it, learning to use my most soothing voice to pacify him until he would cry and fall asleep.  I finally confessed it all to my close friend, he was horrified and urged me to go to police. I felt I couldnt, I was too scared, this man was ex military and I knew he was capable of even killing me.

One night I finally snapped and I realised I would hurt myself before he did. In my bedroom I began to slice my arm open with razorblades, the blood that poured out was a huge release of my pain and fear, i felt I had found an answer. I took a carving knife and began to saw at my arm, as i began to black out something stopped me, I knew I couldnt go further, I wrapped myself up and took a taxi to the hospital. They assumed I was a drug addict and treated me with no great kindness. My mum came to London and I ended up in a phsyciatric hospital. Being there was the single most terrifying experience of my life, more than anything else I had experienced. The feeling of darkness and evil was so strong in that place and I knew if i was committed I would certainly go insane. I had physical fits and devoloped a tic that jerked my upper body constantly with strange noises from my mouth. I was in a living hell and I felt I had brought it all on myself and punishment was my only due. Something inside me told me I had to save myself now and turn back. By a superhuman force I managed to control all my physical issues long enough to convince the authorities to release me into my mothers care.

This was the beginning of hope. In the next few months, God began to reach down to me, He wiped my tears as they fell and made me feel His love wrapped around me. I re-dededicated my life to Him. I began to attend a prayer meeting and seek His Spirit and healing that ONLY He brings.

That was a year ago. I am now utterly committed to living in the Spirit and by Faith. I have one desire now, to reach out to all those around me who have not discovered the reality of Gods Kingdom here on earth, to influence anyone who is in a similar position that I was that there IS another way, a highway of holiness is there and we are free to begin our walk on it in  complete freedom from shame, fear and uncertainty.

Who shall see God? he who has clean hands and a pure heart….we cant have either of things through our own effort, its only by asking Him to bring us to His Heart.  He can cleanse us of ANYTHING and we can live in hope, from utter darkness into the joy of joys.

Blessings…

When I was a child I was sexually abused. In my dream world demons would chase me to kill me. In one of my dreams my abuser which was my grandfather often turned into the demon. In this particular dream, I was standing outside in the street in my night clothes in the winter. My abuser who walked with a cane walked out of this dense darkness with red eyes. As he got closer to me my abuser turned into a very dark ghost like demon with sharp white teeth and sharp claws. I ran, calling my aunts name. As I got around the corner to her apartment he disappeared.
Now that I am older I realize that there where 6 Big Angels around the corner and one met me at the corner.

I grew up in a Hindu family, but never followed the religion. I never prayed or was in touch any God for 18 yrs.  I went to a Catholic School and received teachings of morality through our school diaries. I liked reading some nice statements of love and encouragement on there. At home, I only looked forward to the poojas and food during holy festivals. I was just not religiously enthusiastic at all. I moved to the States in 2001. I was extremely depressed and angry. Thank God for my friends who helped me heal at that time. The Lord reached to me through people many times.

After high school, I was dejected due to a guy. My dad’s friend told me about how she came to the Lord and met her husband at a missionary trip. It comforted me. College was very tough. I never fitted in and was still very angry and depressed. I stopped at a Church one time when I was lost. During orientation, someone prayed for me and it was answered. Someone parked their car next to mine and blocked it. I had to knock on a building where some people were gathered for Christian services.  I was invited in. More people came to me with the Word of God. At that time, I was at the peak of forming an atheist club and becoming bitter. I got in several arguments and fought with them. Ultimately, I failed in some of my courses in college, derailed from my career path, and came running to Jesus. Surprisingly, i always lived next to a big Catholic Church in India.

My fam is in some issues right now and the Church has bought my home in India. Its wonderful how I never knew the Lord was always next to me…next door…right across from my room. u open the windows and u can see Jesus straight down the church doors. they were opposite. It was only a matter of time. I am very thankful for all the people who touched me. My prayers have been answered ever since I became a believer. Praise be to our Lord Jesus Christ and His Mercy. I love GOD