Testimony Share

I am currently writing a book called, “FOLLOW ME! I’M LOOKING FOR HEAVEN! MAYBE WE WILL FIND IT TOGETHER!!!”. One of the chapters is called, “ADDICTIONS???=GET ADDICTED TO JESUS!!!” If you are interested in a copy of the still-in-progress book, please contact me at: 905-228-9973 or kenmathewson@cogego.ca. Below is my testimony on addictions:

MY TESTIMONY

KENNETH JAY MATHEWSON

Proverbs 23:21
For the drunkard and the glutton shall come to poverty: and drowsiness shall clothe a man with rags.

I am now 56 years young, and I found a Personal (Born-Again), Relationship with GOD in my early 20’s. I smoked my first cigarette at the ripe age of 7, (thought I was going to cough up a lung), and became addicted at age 16; experienced my first intoxication at 14, (thought my stomach was coming up); smoked my first joint and cocaine at 35, after separating from my wife of 13 years. I thank the LORD for not allowing me to become addicted to the marijuana or cocaine. My liquor addiction apparently was enough for the enemy to take control my life.

In 1980, I was fortunate, (or unfortunate), to win a lottery for $100,000. My 8-year marriage at that time was on very solid ground. A hundred thousand dollars in 1980 was a large sum of money to a thirty year old. On the way to pick up our newfound, so-called fortune, I said to my wife, “we can’t let this money change our lives.” Well, she didn’t allow the money to change her life. I, on the other hand didn’t heed my own advice. Please read the following verses: (1 Timothy 6:10 and Matthew 6:24)

1 Timothy 6:10
10 For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
1 Timothy 6:9-11 (in Context) 1 Timothy 6 (Whole Chapter)
Matthew 6:24
24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
Matthew 6:23-25 (in Context) Matthew 6 (Whole Chapter)

Please believe me, I have never hated nor despised GOD; however, I did err from the faith, and I was pierced through with many sorrows. The power of the mammon, (money), didn’t start controlling me, until a couple of years after the winfall.

In 1982, I quit my job and started up my own business. I opened up the first computer, video and satellite television store, in my small hometown of Fort Erie. To make a long story short, the business started reaping rewards within the first year of operation. However, I didn’t realize that the enemy was reaping my soul, at the same time. As I mentioned earlier, satan’s addictions are progressive. The money did become my first addiction, and that was the beginning of my spiralling downfall.

The next addiction that I encountered was the bottle. I found myself at the local watering hole, quenching my thirst with some of the enemy’s finest brews. Zombies and Long Island Ice Teas became my drug of choice. This started to become a very expensive habit, not to mention, the brain cells that I was frying. It also didn’t help my solid marriage. My wife put up with my late nights and my drunken stupors every night of the week. I’m not saying that she accepted my outrageous behaviour, but she did put up with the new me.

Prior to my drunken stupors, I had never considered cheating on my wife. Once Satan sinks his teeth into your soul, he takes over your mind as well. Any mind-altering substance will lower your inhibitions, as it did to me. He enjoys the taste of pickled souls, because they are much easier to devour. You cannot walk with JESUS on one arm, and Satan on the other arm. JESUS is a very jealous GOD! Satan doesn’t mind if you are walking with JESUS, he will attempt to steal you away from your walk with HIM. JESUS will still walk with you wherever your journey takes you, although HIS voice becomes silent, if you follow your will, and not HIS. The enemy will tug even harder on your arm, the closer you walk according to GOD’s Will.

Habakkuk 2:15
Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink, that puttest thy bottle to him, and makest him drunken also, that thou mayest look on their nakedness!

Habakkuk 2:14-16 (in Context)
Well, the next tug on my left arm, lead me from the local watering hole, to the local strip bar. He didn’t warn me that the cost of drinking would skyrocket; however, he did mention that the scenery would improve, and he had lots of friends that he would introduce me to. As I looked around the dark bar, all I saw was lost souls. It didn’t take me long to become one of those lost souls myself. This is when my next addiction began. ADULTRY!!! To this day, I cannot believe that I strayed that far from my walk with the LORD. This addiction was a costly one. It cost my marriage, my business and almost my soul. Now I could tell you that the devil made me do it. In actual fact, he is only the tempter. I was the one who gave into his enticing temptations.

1 Thessalonians 3:5
For this cause, when I could no longer forbear, I sent to know your faith, lest by some means the tempter have tempted you, and our labour be in vain.

It was nothing for me to spend upwards of $1000.00 a week, in my new home away from home. As my business and marriage was going down; my bar tab was going up. The further I erred from my faith; the more sorrows were piercing my soul. My successful business could not support my expensive addictions for more than three years; and my solid marriage, fell apart after 13 years of wedding bliss. You know the wedding vow that you take on your wedding day that goes something like this: “What ever GOD joins together, let not man put asunder.” Matthew 19:5-7
Well, satan is not a man; however, he was able to break the bands of my marriage.

Revelation 12:8-10.
9 And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.

In Heaven, GOD does not wear a watch, nor have an earthly clock hanging on the golden walls by HIS Throne. Although, HE has 2 time zones in Heaven: HIS TIME, and our time. Please read the following verse from HIS Word: 2 Peter 3:8 But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. 2 Peter 3:7-9 (in Context). I will explain how, HIS TIME worked in my life, as I was walking in the darkness of my will.

One night, after visiting four dens of iniquity, (strip bars), I found my journey had taken me about 45 minutes away from home. I had consumed about 20 zombies and smoked a couple of joints. After closing time, I found myself upstairs in the bed of one of the dancers I had been seeing. As I stumbled out of the door of the bar around 2:00AM, I could not believe the snow that had fallen and still falling. It was the worst storm of the season. There was about a foot of snow on my van and the roads had not been plowed yet. I was barely able to hold my head up, much less drive home in these conditions. After wiping the snow off the vehicle, I got behind the wheel and found myself praying to GOD, “JESUS, if YOU will direct me home safely tonight, I will never follow this lifestyle again.” Well, HE held up HIS end of the deal. The journey home that night took about 2 hours, which I do not recall one minute of the ride. I just remember walking in the door and my wife waiting up to tell me, that she could not put up with another night of my drinking or late nights any longer. By this time, I was stone sober and I was bouncing off the ceiling because I realized, it was not me that drove home that night.

Jesus Take The Wheel

She was so happy to hear of my vow to GOD that night; and once again, HE and she had forgiven me for my wayward travels. It only took 3 or 4 months to break my vow to HIM and fall back into my sinful ways. I didn’t think that I could fall any lower than my previous state of transgressions against the LORD, or my wife, but there was still room for me to fall lower. At least GOD answered my prayer on HIS TIME that night. Please read the following verses, and you will see that you cannot walk contrary to GOD’s Word and think that there will not be any consequences to pay:

Leviticus 26:21
And if ye walk contrary unto me, and will not hearken unto me; I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins.

Leviticus 26:24
Then will I also walk contrary unto you, and will punish you yet seven times for your sins.

Leviticus 26:28
Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins.

This part of my story is still hard for me to tell, and understand, as to how I could have sunk so low. My drinking and womanizing took a turn for the worse. Within two years of my vow to GOD; I had left my wife; lost my business; lost my licence for a year on a drunk driving conviction; filed for bankruptcy; and attempted suicide twice; however, I had not lost my addiction to the bottle. I found that the drinking helped me bury my sorrows that night, but they still surfaced the next morning, with no solution to carry my burdens any further here on earth. So the devil had a solution for me. Why not take the easy way out, and your burdens will be removed forever? Well, a couple of times of over-drinking, I thought maybe satan’s solution may be the only way out. Drinking from the enemy’s cup can certainly distort your thought process! Twice, I attempted to overdose on pills, only to wake up the next morning on the floor, with those same pills as a pillow for my head. Both attempts, as the tears were rolling down my face, I prayed to GOD that HE would forgive me for what I was about to do. As I was praying, I was doing a death stare in the mirror, as I was empting the bottle in my mouth, thinking this would be last night and my suffering would be over soon. To this day, I believe that JESUS placed HIS finger down my throat, to avoid my untimely departure. It just wasn’t my time yet, nor HIS TIME to send me to the grave. THANK YOU JESUS!!! I WILL NEVER ATTEMPT TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE AGAIN!

In 1987, I returned back to my old job as a customs broker, that I had left 5 years earlier. My reputation had preceded me, and everyone in town seemed to know my life history; except for the suicide attempts. My drinking habit continued, and one of my fellow workers gave me the nickname, BIOM, (Bad Influence On Me). This handle was certainly well deserved and fitting, as I was starting to lead others down the wrong path. My walk was certainly not GOD’s path, and here I was leading others away from HIS path too.

Habakkuk 2:15
Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink, that puttest thy bottle to him, and makest him drunken also, that thou mayest look on their nakedness!
Habakkuk 2:14-16 (in Context)

After a year at the Fort Erie office, I requested a transfer to a Toronto office. I thought that I could hide from my past, and just lose myself in a population of 2 ½ million people, where no one would know my business, nor care. That plan might have worked, if the bottle, (satan), hadn’t followed me to Toronto. My transfer took me to the Toronto Airport office, and within a year, another transfer to the head office. Unfortunately, my identity could not be hid, because of my lottery winfall. Seemed like everyone at head office knew of me, and my past reputation, that I thought I had left behind me in Fort Erie. About a year later, I left the firm for a second time and pursued a career on my own, as a customs consultant in Toronto.

Well, the money was rolling in again, so I could satisfy my drinking and strip bar addiction again. I was such a good client at one of the strip bars, that they would drive me home at closing time in my car and have someone else follow, just to make sure I reached my destination safely. They wanted to be sure that I would be able to frequent their bar the next night.

I used to come home every night after drinking, and prayed that GOD would deliver me from my addictions. HE always guided me home safely; however, HIS voice had become silent to my soul. I started believing that JESUS had left my side, since I broke my vow with HIM a few years prior. HE delivered me back then; why had HE left me to drown in the bottle now? My daily drinking and daily praying went on for more that 10 years, with no salvation in sight. Why wouldn’t HE answer my cries for help now? I needed HIM in my life more than ever!

Psalm 13:1
How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
Psalm 13:1-3 (in Context)

As I mentioned earlier, GOD does not wear a watch; however, He knew that it was now time, for HIM to rescue me from my torments and sorrows. I was drowning and going down for the last time. By the GRACE OF GOD, HE reached HIS hand down to rescue me just in time. I had reached the bottom of the bottle, and had lost sight of HIM. On August 18th, 1996, HE broke HIS silence and answered my prayers. There was nothing lonelier, than walking this journey here on earth, without HIS hand or voice to guide me. I am finally free of bondage and have HIS Light to shine on my path again. I will never snuff that Light out; nor walk in darkness anymore! PRAISE GOD! THANK YOU LORD JESUS!!!

2 Samuel 22:29
For thou art my lamp, O LORD: and the LORD will lighten my darkness.

Since that day, I read HIS WORD, (BIBLE) daily; and get on my knees to thank HIM for erasing my addictions/sins. HE can do the same for you, if you just call on HIM and trust HIM. HE is never too busy to listen! You could strike up a conversation/prayer, something like this:

JESUS, I know that I am a sinner and I have sinned against YOU; I ask that YOU will come into my life/heart, and take over the wheel; I submit my life to YOU and ask for YOUR forgiveness of my sins/addictions. Please direct me on the path that YOU would have me to follow!!!

When you pray, pray from your heart and not just from your lips. Don’t just pray when you’re in a valley, (when you are hurting or in need). Pray also when you’re on the top of the mountain, (when everything is going well in your life). Thank HIM always for HIS many wonderful blessings. When you have asked JESUS to take over the direction of your life; don’t allow HIM to walk in your shadow; follow HIM, and let JESUS lead you by the hand, and walk in HIS shadow. HE is the Light of the world and casts a big shadow; Never lose sight of HIS shadow; Carry HIS Cross; Read HIS WORD daily!

John 8:12
Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

Matthew 16:24
Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
Overcoming Drugs - Williams Story
Testimony of Former Drugs Dealer - Guy Iannello

AMEN, THANK YOU JESUS!!!

Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.
John 8:36 (NKJ)

Hi, I’m Eric. On a lucky day in 1973, in Bremerton, Washington, I cost my parents five bucks when I came into the world. Being in the military does have its benefits, I guess.

My parents raised me in the way I should go, but sometimes we don’t all feel like going the way we’re told. In 1979, we moved up to Alaska, and we stayed there until 1989. Then, my parents decided to sell their house, and we moved to Vancouver, Washington.

In Vancouver, during high school, I decided that I didn’t want to be a Christian nerd anymore, and that I needed to party a little bit. So that’s what I began to do. Although I still attended church on a regular basis and participated in youth group activities, I led another, different life. I made lots of non-Christian friends, ignoring my father’s advice, “The friends you choose is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.” My parents soon gave up trying to keep me in line, because I simply didn’t want to listen.

I dove right into the party world, living for myself. I started smoking, drinking, doing drugs, the whole bit. I didn’t want anything to do with Christianity anymore. There were too many questions that I simply couldn’t answer, and too much fun that I simply wanted to have.

I graduated high school in the top five percent of my class, with practically straight A’s. I started college in 1991, and started dating a non-Christian girl who dominated the next few years of my life. I either spent time with her, or I partied. One or the other.

I came close to death more than once. One night, all tweaked out on drugs, I was downtown Portland and a guy pulled a gun on me. I laughed at him. That’s how much I cared about life.

One night, after a long, crazy night up near Tacoma, Washington, my friend Tom and I cruised down the I-5 freeway toward Vancouver and a Cadillac rear-ended us and sped away. His 1979 Datsun B-210 flipped a bunch of times and ended up upside down on the median. We sustained minimal injuries. We could easily have had the windows open and had limbs fly out and get crushed. We could easily have ended up in the freeway instead of on the median. We weren’t even wearing our seatbelts. My dad picked us up from the hospital the next day and we went to look at the car. It really didn’t look like anyone could have survived. The back window fell out when we touched it. All four tires were popped. It stood only a few feet high. My dad told us that my mother had got up that night, in the middle of the night, to pray for us. God knew that we needed protection.

One day, I rear-ended a new Lincoln Continental that was at a dead standstill. My car was going around 40 miles per hour. I didn’t have my seatbelt on. I broke my windshield with my head. Yet I only sustained a minor cut to my chin (I have a hard head, as you will soon see).

One day, I did a back flip off a cliff into a river. After an eight foot fall, I came down head first and cracked right onto a rock that lay hidden just under the surface. It didn’t even faze me. I bled a little and just kept living.

The drugs didn’t satisfy me. The girls didn’t satisfy me. My friends didn’t satisfy me. My family didn’t satisfy me. Basically, I lived for number one and I lived to get wasted. But God still remained near. And I knew it. The promise from Scripture never left me. “Raise your child in the way he should go, and he will not depart from it.” I knew that if God was true, and his promises sure, that His plan would supercede anything I desired, no matter how much I tried to run away. And believe me, I kept running.

My parents moved back to Alaska, in time, and so did my sister. I lived alone for the first time. Actually, I had lived alone for a while in an apartment and wasted about $7000 that I had received as settlement for the auto accident. But this time I felt that I was actually alone. I didn’t even have any relatives around. Now, I had to survive.

I moved in with Tom, and finally checked myself into a drug rehabilitation center. While in there, I received a note from a guy named Steve. I knew he had to be one of those Christian annoyances, but for some reason I called him anyway. He informed me that he had a place I could stay if I wanted to get away from the drugs and partying lifestyle. I thought about that, and finally said, “Why not?” I felt the end of my rope creeping nearer. Little did I know that the end of the rope was still afar off.

I moved in with Jim and Mark. New rules abounded. No drugs, no women, attend church, get a job, etc. I had to take care of the basics. I couldn’t really find a good job, because I had a terrible job history. I worked temporary jobs all the time. Every year I had at least 10 different employers. Jim and Mark bought my food, payed for my rent, gave me whatever I needed to live, and more. I hit some lady’s car and ran off in Jim’s car and he got his insurance cancelled. I smoked pot in the basement. I broke all the rules and took advantage of these nice people. And what started as a temporary living arrangement somehow turned into many months. Finally, we moved out of that place into an apartment. I lived there for a while, and then said, “Forget it.” I decided to drive up to Alaska in my truck and move in with my parents. I thought a new environment might help me with my problems. I smoked pot the entire way up to Alaska, and used my credit card that Jim had helped me pay off to finance the trip and the drugs. I got up there, and instead of trying to fix myself up, I immediately found the bums in town and maxed out my credit card with cash advances for drugs. One night, some “friends” and I went to the beach and drank a half-gallon of whiskey. On the way to the store, I wrecked the truck and broke the windshield with my forehead (again). I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt, of course. My dad and uncle bailed me out (in the middle of the night) and the cop, miraculously, let me go. They aren’t easy on drunk drivers in Alaska. My cousin almost got arrested for driving too slow. The cop thought she was drunk. In this particular instance, I was a stark raving lunatic. I couldn’t even walk or talk sensibly. I think my dad wanted to knock me out. Anyway, my “friends” stole my tent and other camping gear and left town. I decided to check myself in to a drug rehab program in Portland.

So, in Portland, I checked in and started living a clean life. This place didn’t mess around. The commitment was a year, and I lived with a bunch of other guys. I’ve never had so many rules in my life. I had to memorize scripture. I had to clean, and cook, and go to church, and man, did I get sick of being bossed around. They forced me to give up my girlfriend (the same one still) and I couldn’t take that. I quit the program so I could be with her. She wouldn’t have anything to do with me. No money, no truck, no job, no rehab . . . . I had nothing. To her, I was a failure. And she had me pegged. She drove me back to the rehab house and dropped me off. She left. They didn’t want me back. So I decided to just forget everyone. I lived on the streets for about two months. Hitchhiking around, bumming money, smoking pot, drinking whiskey or tequila or cheap beer, and going to bars defined my lifestyle. In order to get back into the program, I just had to keep attending church at their church. They had to know that I was making a serious commitment to the program and to changing my life. They finally let me back in with the requirements that I not see my girlfriend at all, and that my attitude improve. I lasted about two weeks and got booted out. Nobody wanted me now. Nobody.

I lugged all my stuff to the street corner and tried calling everyone I knew. Jim and Mark were my last resort. Of course, they took me in. Once again, they paid my rent, my credit card, my bills, and everything else. I continued to take advantage of them, being the self-centered person that I had become.

Finally, my long-time girlfriend cheated on me and dumped me and I started drinking and smoking pot in earnest. Every day, all the time. I became super-depressed, and happiness only came when I could get high or drunk. I can’t really even describe this part of my life. I had no job, not many friends, no church, and life just went on that way. The drinking and smoking and depression and loneliness and tiredness and emptiness just kept getting heavier and more intense.

Then one day, in the midst of it all, I met this delightful girl. It was Thanksgiving of 1997. I had nowhere to go so I went with Jim to his family get-together. His second cousin once removed or whatever you call it, was Don, and Don was a deacon in our church. So we went to this get-together, and being bored as usual with Christians, I decided to leave. But I had been playing cards with this most delightful girl, Don’s stepdaughter. I thought she looked quite appealing, so I called her the next night and asked her to dinner. She said, “NO.” Being used to rejection, I had to just shrug it off. Her excuse? She had to return to Corvallis the next day, to continue her education at OSU. For those of you not familiar with that place, well, their mascot is a beaver, if that tells you anything. Anyway, she said she would email me. And surprisingly enough, she did. We became good friends over the email, and soon she decided to come to Portland and attend PSU, where I planned on attending school.

In the midst of all this, I still kept on doing the bad things, while Jim and Mark continued to put up with me. Not only did they put up with me, but Jim encouraged my schooling, and he also funded it! Can you believe this guy? What was supposed to be a few day living arrangement had turned into what seemed like a lifelong commitment and investment (hopefully a good one) in me. Why? Because God wanted it that way. I sure didn’t deserve it.

Anyway, one day, while visiting my new love in Corvallis, I noticed some dark bruises on my legs. Weird, dark suckers. They scared me. The doctor checked me out and told me that my liver needed help. He said, “A few more years of this and you’ll be dead.” Right then and there I quit drinking. A few weeks later, a run-in with the cops scared me into quitting pot. So, at that one point in time, my life turned around. Jim’s investment finally started paying dividends. I quit everything cold turkey. The drugs, the drinking, the cigarettes . . . . everything. I started going to school. I got a job that I kept for the next two years. I started school full-time and graduated with honors earning a BA in English at Portland State. I married my sweetheart. Jim married us, and Mark agreed to be my best man. Tom agreed to be a groomsman. God decided to turn something nasty (me) into something nice.

So now, without bragging, I can safely say, beyond any shadow of any doubt, that Jesus Christ worked many miracles in my life. He saved me from death many times when I didn’t deserve it. He brought the people I needed into my life at the times I needed them. He healed my bruises. He took away my addictions. He gave me a wonderful wife that I couldn’t live without. And let me tell you, two people have never been better matched. He gave me a caring family. He gave me my mother and father, supportive Christian parents, and a supportive Christian sister. He gave me Jim and Mark, two selfless Jesus freaks. He gave me dear Christian parents-in-law. He gave me two genius Christian brothers-in-law. He kept me from going to prison. He funded my schooling. He fed me. He gave me the guitar I’ve always wanted. He gave me a nice apartment. He gave me a great church. He supplied the finances when I didn’t have them. He gave me the power to overcome. It’s impossible to run from God when you’re one of his. Jonah proved that to us. And I’ve proved it too. His Word says, “He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it . . .” My friends, if you’ve ever even thought about following Jesus, then it’s already too late for you to turn back. If He starts a work in you, He will be faithful to complete it. Jesus lives and He heals! Praise be to God!

If you want to read more awesome testimonies of the love and power of Jesus Christ, visit the following site:

http://truthsaves.org/testimony/

You can also contact me by visiting the contact page at that site.

In His service,

Eric

Written on October 12, 2007

I was raised in a Christian family, and when I turned 4, I went to Sunday school every week for about 6 or 7 years before stopping. I guessed I believed in God, but since I was too young, I didn’t have a real relationship with Him, and I didn’t really understand Him or know Him. It was an easy decision to quit at the time, since they made us move from a classroom setting to a more formal setting, and I didn’t like that. My parents didn’t force me to go, but I followed them to the adult worship service instead. We then gradually stopped going to church. The summer before my first year of high school, we had to move, and we stopped completely. Now I’ll have to explain my depression. We always thought my mom had good hearing, because she heard things that me and my dad could never hear. When I was younger, she “heard” my aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends talking about her, and my dad would always say, “your mom has good hearing”. And I believed that she heard the things she heard, and I believed my dad. In grade 5, after my grandmother had a stroke, I started to develop a stutter. My stuttering got worse in grade 10. And it wasn’t until grade 10, thanks to my Psych/Socio/Anthro class, I finally realized my mom had schizophrenia, and still does to this day. She doesn’t take medication because she can’t and won’t admit that she’s mentally ill. We argued often (we still argue now, but not nearly as much). I decided that I didn’t believe in God. Because of my stutter, I had no friends, and because of my mom’s schizophrenia, I seriously contemplated suicide. Evanescence made me change my mind (about suicide, NOT about God). (as a Christian, the song Tourniquet has a similar, but different meaning to me now, if that makes sense. A lot of songs in general have a different meaning to me now, actually.) 

[fast forward to college years] 

I found it easier to make friends in college, but I still didn’t have very many. In the second month of my second year at college, my grandma passed away, and my stuttering became worse, but didn’t affect my friendships. 

[last year – March 2006] 

MTV Canada is re-launched. (read on). 

[last year – Summer 2006] 

Watched Cheyenne Kimball’s show on MTV, became a fan, and joined a forum. I made 2 friends there, one who I still talk to, and one who I don’t anymore (I won’t get into the details). I joined MySpace, and met a girl named Amy there, who, as of this posting, I’m still friends with. 

[more recent months - not necessarily in chronological order, but tried my best]

 She knew I liked female-fronted bands, so she recommended Paramore and Flyleaf to me, and sent me some of their stuff. At first I didn’t like them, but Paramore grew on me, and I became a huge fan after hearing Misery Business, and downloaded all of their stuff. Amy sent me one of her own songs, and I told her that she sounded like Lacey (lead singer of Flyleaf), so that inspired me to listen to them more, and they grew on me big time. I decided that I needed help with my depression/stuttering, so I went to see a psychiatrist, and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I saw Flyleaf at the Family Values Tour, and became a huge fan. 

[August 2007 / September 2007 – not necessarily in chronological order, but tried my best]

 I’m not sure when Amy sent their stuff to me, but I had been holding off on listening to Aly & AJ. When I listened to them, I let them grow on me, downloaded all of their older stuff, and became a huge fan (I know I use that word too much). I decided to take a short break from MySpace, starting from August 15^th. That “short break” became longer, and longer. I found out that Aly & AJ were Christian. They were the third openly Christian band I got into (Evanescence doesn’t count, IMO, and definitely not Avril). That made me question my agnosticism.  I had thought Christians, or religious people in general, were kind of stupid, but now I think differently. I then read up on C.S. Lewis, and found out that he converted to Christianity from atheism, so I thought, “if he can do it, I can do it too.” I was already depressed, and had suicidal thoughts (as usual, and for the same reasons I mentioned earlier), so I prayed before going to bed, and asked God to show me that He was real. When I woke up, my entire field of vision was covered with flashes of light. And when I looked to the left, I saw a blanket, or a sheet, of bright light. I was scared. I couldn’t see properly. My parents took me to the hospital. The doctor told me that he didn’t know what was wrong, and he scheduled an appointment for me to see a specialist the next day. The specialist referred me to another specialist. He showed me He was real. I was converted. The next Sunday, I went to church for the first time in approximately 8 years (and continued to go every week, and still do). During the sermon, I noticed that my vision had improved. My eye started slowly getting better. I prayed almost everyday (currently, I pray EVERYDAY, not almost). During my extra-long MySpace hiatus, I was compelled by the Holy Spirit to learn, read, and research as much as I could about God, Jesus, Christianity, and how to get closer to Him and please Him. I learned A LOT, but I still haven’t learned as much as I wanted to.  I plan to read the Bible from cover to cover. By the time I saw the specialist, my eye was A LOT better, and he told me that he expected a full recovery. I’ve regained almost 100% of my vision, and I have God to thank for that. God answered my prayer. He chose to answer it with a test, a trial, a suffering, because He knew that it would draw me closer to Him. He knows each one of us best, even better than we know ourselves. God hears the prayer of everyone, even agnostics and atheists. It only takes a small amount of faith for prayer to be heard. Vision is something that people take for granted, and I’ve learned not to take anything or anyone for granted. I have learned that out of every bad thing comes a good thing, even though it may not be clear. I have made my decision to devote my life to God, and to do everything to please Him. God has been planting seeds in my life since the moment I was born, those seeds eventually led me to Him, and each one of them have been explained in this testimony. Nothing I mentioned here happened by coincidence. My mom still has schizophrenia, but the Bible teaches patience. I still stutter, but I’ve become less depressed, less alone, more hopeful, more optimistic, and more thankful.  

Out of every bad thing comes a good thing, and I plan to overcome my stuttering and depression with God’s help.

“SOMETHING MORE” – SUPERNATURALLY REVEALED (Also titled: NO GREATER LOVE)

True hope is a rare but essential asset in life. I am writing to share the hope that I have found in a supernatural way when I came across a young man on a pedestrian street of Boston. He began to tell the small crowd that the majority of people tend to seek for FULLFILLMENT and SUCCESS in the following things. As he spoke, he stroked a paintbrush, wet with water, over a blank sheet of art paper upon an easel. One by one, words began to appear such as:

CAREER, SOCIAL STATUS, EDUCATION, WEALTH, MATERIAL POSSESIONS, INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS, MARRIAGE, FAMILY, FRIENDSHIP, SOCIALIZING, GOOD TIMES, RECREATION

He explained that all of these things could not truly fulfill. I knew that all of the things listed were essentially good and had their place in life, but for me personally, I was always looking for that “SOMETHING MORE” to life. What really surprised me was that he gave a clear direction to what that “SOMETHING MORE” to life was. As he stroked the paintbrush, the water revealed a painting of a cross with a sunrise behind it. From the very beginning of his presentation, I had experienced a presence around me and I was aware, by the faces of the others, that they were also experiencing this same powerful yet gentle presence. Before the presentation began, the faces in the audience each had their own uniqueness about them. Once the presentation had begun, the faces in the audience all appeared to be the same as if masks had supernaturally been removed. At the end, everyone just stood there frozen. I was amazed that no one thanked him. I approached him, shook his hand, and thanked him. I thought to myself that maybe I should give Jesus a good hard second look. I was so impressed that the young man had known how I felt inside.

Later that day, while driving, I thought of his words and decided to see if I could find a New Testament radio program on the AM radio band, even though I never really listened openly to “religious” programs before. I wanted to hear more of what I had heard earlier on the street. As I searched the radio stations, I heard a man speaking about God.

The same powerful yet gentle presence that was around me on the street earlier in the day FILLED THE COMPARTMENT OF MY CAR.

The man on the radio stated, “God truly does love you and does not want the things you have done wrong, as well as the things you didn’t do that you should have done, to continue to be a barrier between you and Him. He is not holding those things against you…… they have all been far removed from the picture a long time ago…… God has already abolished them, and the guilt thereof, when His Son voluntarily gave His life over to those things to take them out of the picture forever. He has done this through the giving of His life on the cross. When He gave His life on the cross, what He was actually doing was taking upon Himself the full penalty for all of your personal wrongdoings, as well as the things you didn’t do that you should have done…… It is not true that you have to pay for those things after you pass from this life……”

He also spoke of God raising Him from the dead.

As I previously stated, the same powerful yet gentle presence that was around me on the street earlier in the day FILLED THE COMPARTMENT OF MY CAR.

In that moment of time, I could literally see in my mind Jesus voluntarily giving His life for me on the cross and I understood that I had been carrying the heavy burden of my sins for the majority of my life, when in actuality - God and Jesus had already taken care of them almost two thousand years ago…… It was revealed to me that God was not counting our sins against us…… He only desires for us to be reconciled to Himself…… I don’t feel many people can honestly deny that the greatest act of love that a person can perform on this earth is to give one’s life for another. I discovered that Jesus did that very thing for us as part of God’s plan to take away the things that keep us from truly embracing and following Him. I saw that God’s plan was to draw us to Himself through this greatest act of love and that there is no greater way for Him to reveal His love for us.

I asked out loud, “What should I do?”

THE MAN ON THE RADIO IMMEDIATELY AND CONCISELY ANSWERED ME, “THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO - PRAY.”

I thought to myself, Pray? It couldn’t be that simple… I was amazed that he immediately and concisely answered my question…… as if he could actually hear my voice.

I once again inquired out loud, “What should I pray?”

Once again, the man on the radio IMMEDIATELY AND CONCISELY ANSWERED MY QUESTION,

“THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD PRAY….. TELL GOD, WITH EVERYTHING THAT IS IN YOU AND WITH NO RESERVATIONS, THAT YOU ARE NOW RECEIVING THAT WHICH HIS SON DID FOR YOU WHEN HE GAVE HIS LIFE FOR YOU ON THE CROSS.”

A battle of thoughts began to arise within me. I knew that which I was hearing and experiencing was of God but something was still holding me back from praying. I did not want to carry my sins any longer… they were wearing me down… I could see clearly that Jesus could set me free from them but something was still holding me back. The powerful yet gentle presence, FILLING THE COMPARTMENT OF MY CAR, helped me through the negativity that was holding me back and I SHOUTED,

“NO!

GOD?!!!!

IF YOU ARE REAL,

AND HEAVEN IS REAL,

AND WHAT I HAVE HEARD CONCERNING YOUR SON IS THE TRUTH -

THEN I NEED TO KNOW NOW AND I NEED TO KNOW FOR SURE!

I DO NOT WANT TO WASTE MY LIFE… IF THIS IS TRUE THEN PLEASE SHOW ME!

I BELIEVE WHAT I HAVE JUST HEARD!”

And with everything that was in me…… I ONCE AGAIN SHOUTED,

“SHOW ME!!!!!!”

IMMEDIATELY, AND WITHIN MY ENTIRE BEING, I EXPERIENCED A LOVE GREATER THAN ANYTHING ON THIS EARTH WHICH WAS SO INTENSE THAT I HAD TO PULL MY CAR OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD……

I believe God gave me this experience because I was in such deep darkness and so far away from Him that there was no other way for me to be turned around. I admire other believers whom God needed only to reveal Himself in a more gentle and gradual way - believers who were more receptive to God’s “still small voice” and were not so stubborn as I was for most of my life. I also admire believers that came to know God at a young age. I really wasted a good portion of my life, but I thank God that He helped me when He did. I believe that this was God’s way of showing me that HE IS REAL, that HEAVEN IS REAL, that this short life on earth is not the end, that it doesn’t matter what we have done wrong, as well as what we have failed to do that was right - He Loves us and will forgive us, that we do not have to wait until AFTER we die to experience His Love and forgiveness, that salvation is by the grace of God and not by religious or spiritual practices, that we can experience God in a deeply personal and powerful way, that even though Jesus did die by the hands of evil men - it was all His and the Father’s plan to use the greatest act of evil man has ever committed of murdering the Son of God and turn it into the greatest act of love using it as the means to draw us to Himself, and that His Love for us is greater than we can even comprehend while passing through this life! Thank You God for being our Hope!

My name is Nikole Gill and my husband Tom and I have been blessed with 7 beautiful children. Hope Danielle - 12, Amber Grace - 11, Joy Noelle - 10, Bethany Faith - 7, David Josiah - 4, Rachel Honor - 2 1/2, and Ramah Mercy - 1 year. I pray that as you read this Jesus will bring joy and hope to your heart. After all, it is all about Him.

It was February, 2005. Tom had been invited to preach at a church in Tampa, Fl. We had just had our 6^th child, Rachel, so we decided to take the whole family and make it a long awaited vacation. We considered all of the children to be wonderful travel companions and although the new baby was only 6 weeks old, she would be no exception. Tom and I and the children packed up the Suburban and headed to Tampa with great anticipation. Our first eleven days were wonderful. We went to the beach nearly every day and even had the opportunity to take a boat out on the ocean. We were also able to visit the Tampa Aquarium. We had spent 11 days there and were in the process of packing to leave for home when Rachel, then 7 weeks old developed a low grade fever. She had been congested a few days prior to this, so when she got the fever I was a little concerned. I called her pediatrician back in Ohio and he told me that, with her being so young, if her fever went above 100.4 degrees that she would need to be seen by someone that could treat her. Saturday morning, March 12, her fever was 102. She had no other symptoms. She was such a good baby, she hardly ever cried. The only thing that might possibly have been abnormal was the fact that she slept a lot. But most newborns do, so it really hadn’t concerned me all that much.

Following the orders of our pediatrician, Tom and I took her to the All Children’s Hospital Emergency Room in St. Petersburg. There, after several hours, they diagnosed her with RSV Bronchiolitis and opted to keep her overnight for observation. I remember sitting in the ER holding her, looking at her beautiful little face, and noticing that the area around her eyes and nose appeared bruised. When I questioned the nurse about it, she told me that it may be due to the RSV. Nothing else was said about it. On Sunday they released her when all of her tests came back normal. Sunday night, back at the hotel, we noticed that her right eye began to swell a little and the fever still had not dissipated. By Monday morning her eye was completely swollen shut and extremely red and puffy. She had the best disposition, but she was still sleeping a lot. We were supposed to leave the next morning (Tuesday, March 15) to come home to Ohio. I called her pediatrician back to see what they recommended that we do since our trip home would take a couple of days. He told me to take her back to the ER so that they could examine her again. Tom and I had NO idea that she was as sick as we were about to find out.

Back in the ER at All Children’s Hospital they drew blood and performed a CAT scan. During this time Tom and the other children were preparing to check out of the hotel where we were staying because we were scheduled to leave the next morning. The CAT scan results came back and showed an abscess behind Rachel’s right eye and severe sinusitis. The doctor said that Rachel needed to be in the hospital for 3 days so that they could treat her with IV antibiotics. I remember thinking, “WOW, 3 days. OK, Tom will need to look for another hotel and everything will be fine.” So that’s exactly what he did. He moved a little closer to the hospital and although we were all ready to head home, we were determined to make the best of the situation. Tom and I both figured that if God had allowed this to happen, there was someone that must have needed to hear about Jesus. We began to ask people to pray for Rachel and the whole situation in general. We trusted that God had everything taken care of back home with the church, so we were able to focus our attention on Rachel. I am so thankful that God gives us such wonderful family and friends within the body of Christ and that our needs are always met. They admitted Rachel to the hospital and I was able to stay with her and Hope, Amber Grace, Joy, Faith and David stayed with Daddy.

Tuesday morning the doctor came in and said that the news was worse than they had originally thought. After further reviewing the CAT scan they discovered that the cell tissue behind Rachel’s eyes, both of her ears and the bones behind her ears were all severely infected. The diagnosis was bilateral postseptal cellulitis with abscess, bilateral middle ear and mastoiditis, severe sinusitis and RSV bronchiolitis. She also said that they needed to do a spinal tap to check for meningitis and to make sure that the infection wasn’t in her brain.

The doctor said that they would need to begin radical antibiotic treatment and we would need to make arrangements to stay in St. Pete for at least 3 weeks. I remember praying, “God, I just need to call my husband. I need him here with me.” I asked the doctor if there was any way that we could get her to Children’s Hospital in Columbus without jeopardizing her health and they told me that the infection was so severe that if she were to travel, she would die. The doctor left and I immediately called Tom. I stood there, looking out Rachel’s hospital room window, and staring at the palm trees I could hardly speak to give my husband this seemingly horrible news. He prayed for her, and he just kept saying, “She’s going to be OK, Jesus will take care of her.” His strength in Christ was tremendous. We have always balanced each other out so well. And now, when I was so weak, God gave Tom enough strength for both of us. However, I still felt as if I were standing in the middle of a nightmare. We’ve always trusted that God would get us through any situation and He ALWAYS has. But this was something that we had never experienced before and I could literally feel my faith being tested. It took a little time, but I finally regained my composure. All I could do was pray. As a mom you usually feel like you should be able to help your children through any trouble that they bring to you, in Jesus’ name. I must admit, I’ve put on my referee outfit many, many times. But this was one situation that I had absolutely no control over. It had to be Jesus. It’s all about Him anyway. The first Scripture that came to my mind was Psalm 118:17 “(Rachel) shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord!” They had some trouble getting an IV into Rachel because her veins are so tiny, but when they finally did, they began giving her fluids because she was not eating well and they hooked her up to oxygen and heart monitors. She looked so pitiful. There’s something about having your baby hooked up to all that STUFF that makes you feel completely helpless. They performed the spinal tap on Tuesday and after 48 hours everything came back clear. Thank God! People all over the world were praying for her. And now we were praying that somehow God would make a way for us to get her home to Columbus.

For the first time in two day’s I got to spend some time with my other babies. I was so glad to see them. Tom stayed with Rachel so I could see the others because they weren’t allowed in her room. When I came back into Rachel’s room that day I leaned my head down in her bed and called her name. She turned her head to look at me and when she saw me, she gave me the biggest smile. It was so special to me because that was the first time she had smiled since she was born. My heart leaped for joy! It was as if she was saying, “Mommy, it’s ok. I’m going to be fine.” Meanwhile, Tom had started to make arrangements at home for church and everything. God took care of it all. We even had people offer to drive/fly down to Florida to help with the kids so that Tom and I could be with Rachel. Having our family separated was very difficult. We do almost everything together, but the kids were absolutely wonderful and the older ones were so understanding. They were praying very hard for their baby sister. Thursday was a very good day! Although they had to pull the IV from her foot and insert a midline catheter in her little head, Rachel was responding well to antibiotics and the swelling in her eye was almost gone. Now the doctors were a little more optimistic about us flying her to Children’s in Columbus. That boosted our hopes tremendously! They told us to begin to check into it, but that she would need to be at All Children’s through the weekend.

By Friday night the doctors had agreed to allow Rachel to fly home with me and we immediately began to make arrangements. She was doing so well, eating better, staying awake longer, no fever, no swelling. God was answering our prayers in the way that we had hoped He would. Tom and I were taking turns staying at the hospital. It was so nice to be able to spend time with Hope, Amber, Joy, Faith and David, but Tom and I struggled, being apart from each other. God, however, was using this situation to make our marriage stronger as well. It is so hard to be apart from the one that you love, especially when that someone is your best friend. Thank God that He is the cord that binds us together; even when we’re apart. Tom is everything in a husband and father that I could ask for.

By Saturday everything was about ready for us to fly home. We had purchased a plane ticket and the doctors were making arrangements for Rachel to be accepted at Children’s Hospital in Columbus. Rachel had another CAT scan. They said that obviously the antibiotics were working since the swelling in her eye was gone, and that the abscess behind her eye was shrinking, however, there was no significant change with all the infection. They said that we needed to get her straight to Children’s Hospital on Monday when we got home so that they could continue IV antibiotics right away. Rachel was released from All Children’s Hospital in St. Petersburg, FL on Monday morning and we went straight to Tampa Airport for Rachel and I to make our flight home. Tom was going to drive home with the other children and it would take a couple of days to get there.

So, we anxiously fought the morning rush hour traffic to get to Tampa Airport. Tom pulled up outside the door and dropped me off to check in. He went to look for a place to park and said he would bring Rachel and the others in himself. I got into the LONG check in line and as I was waiting, Tom called me on my cell phone. He told me that he was going to have to drive around until I got checked in because he couldn’t park the Suburban with the kid’s toy 4 wheeler on top of the car. The ceilings in the parking garage were too low and he couldn’t get through. We agreed that we would say our goodbyes outside since he wouldn‘t be able to park the car. Moments later he called me back and said, “Look toward the front door. Do you see a black man with dred locks, wearing a green security jacket?” “Yes“, I answered. “Well, wave to him because he’s looking for you.” So I stood there in the midst of the crowded airport, waving my arms frantically, trying to get the attention of the security guard. He motioned for me to come to the front of the line and proceeded to have me checked in right away. I thanked God for His favor and called Tom back on his cell phone and before I could tell him that I was finished checking in he excitedly said, “have a seat and wait there because were coming in.” I was so relieved. Now we would have that much more time together before Rachel and I went through to security. I sat down and it didn’t take long before Tom and the children approached me with tears in their eye’s. Tom said, “You’re not going to believe what just happened out there!” He went on, “You know that security guy? Well, I was driving around in circles when he stepped out in front of the car, stopping all of the traffic behind me, and motioned for me to pull to the side of the road. When I pulled over, he came to the window and asked, “Brother, what is it that you need?” Tom’s reply was, “I need a place to park my car. My baby is sick and she and my wife are flying home to Ohio this morning.” “That’s going to be taken care of” the man said. “What do you need?” Tom thought for a moment. “We need prayer to get home safely.” “No, no, no, that’s gonna happen. What do you need?” The man asked again. Tom said he thought harder as lots of little things entered into his mind, money, food, peace. The man looked at Hope in the front seat of the car and asked her, “Honey, what do you need?” Hope replied, “We need to get home.” “That’s gonna be taken care of” he said again. He pressed Tom once more, “Brother, what do you NEED?” Tom’s immediate response was “We need Rachel healed”! “Ahhhh”, replied the man, brilliantly smiling and nodding his head. “It’s done. Your daughter is healed.” He and Tom prayed for Rachel completely believing that God was able. Tom said that it was one of those situations where there was no need to explain to the guy what to pray for. He already knew what God was doing, we just needed to agree. He finished praying, then he said, “Now, go do what you’ve gotta do.” He put a tag on our car so that Tom could leave the car there and he came inside the airport. After we said goodbye, Tom went back to the car with the kids and he met the security guard again. Tom had some money that he wanted to give the guy to bless him (that’s just the way Tom is), but the guy refused to take it. The security guard said, “Isn’t it amazing that God let me live this long, to be at this particular place at this particular time, just to serve you?” Tom had been the recipient of a truly humbling experience. God is so amazingly good!

Rachel and I made it to Columbus almost effortlessly. Waiting there for us were my mother and stepfather, two friends from the Worthington Fire Dept. (to escort us safely to the hospital) and unknown to me; a pediatrician that was planted on the plane just for Rachel in case anything went wrong. God is soooo amazingly good!!!

We arrived at the Columbus Children’s Hospital Emergency Room at 2:30pm and waited unexpectedly for 6 1/2 hours. We were supposed to be pre-admitted but something went wrong and we were told to wait. God had a purpose for that too, because we were able to witness to a couple of ladies and pray with a mother whose baby was also sick. We were finally admitted and the nurses immediately tried to get an IV into Rachel, but were unsuccessful. As a matter of fact they were unsuccessful all 5 times that they tried over a period of about 9 hours. They never did get an IV in her at all.

I kept communicating with Tom and the kids as they drove home. That was so rough. We still were not together physically, but Spiritually we never left each other at all.

Tuesday the doctor came in with his entourage of interns and examined Rachel and asked me a million questions about her diagnosis and treatment she received at the hospital in Florida. He kept saying to me, “She looks fine! I just can’t believe that all of this is wrong with her.” My reply was always, “Yes, from the outside she looks wonderful. It’s what’s on the inside that concerns me.” My pediatrician had assured me that this doctor was one of the best Infectious Disease doctors in the state of Ohio, so I had complete confidence that they would do whatever needed to be done to help Rachel. However, I kept thinking to myself, “If they just do a CAT scan so they could see for themselves.” Suddenly, not as though I had forgotten, God reminded me of the words of the security guy at the airport. “It’s done.” Now I just needed confirmation that she truly was healed. Tom never doubted for a second that God had already healed her. I didn’t want to doubt, but I admit that I did struggle to believe.

The doctor did order another CAT scan, and once again they couldn’t get an IV in her. Looking back I know that that was God’s way of saying, “She’s not going to need an IV.” The other doctors were telling me that if this summary (from Florida) was correct, she may need to be kept in the hospital for four to six more weeks. Waiting overnight for the CAT scan results made us about crazy. When the doctor’s came in the next day (Wednesday) with the results I thought I was going to need resuscitation. All eight of them stood before me smiling as the one said, “We don’t have the CAT scan that they performed in Florida to compare this to because we never requested a copy of it. But IF there was something there… It’s gone now!” I shared with the doctors what had happened at the airport and how I knew now that God had healed my baby girl. Praise God that they were able to see first hand God’s awesome power, whether they believed in it or not. What could they say? What else could I say? I knew my God was able, even though I questioned whether or not He would do it for me. I am so completely thankful for the hope that I have in Jesus Christ. It’s because of Him that Rachel IS healed. I pray for that same hope for everyone who hears Rachel’s Story…

Rachel was released from the hospital that day with a prescription for oral antibiotics, and she and I made it home one hour before Tom and her sisters and brother. The Gill Family is together again, always under the grace and mercy of our Lord, Jesus Christ! To Him be glory and HONOR both now and forever. Amen!

Time does not heal all wounds, but His wounds heal for ALL TIME!

This is my testimony of how my life instantly changed one night in a hotel room and how I hovered on the edge of death as my whole life flashed before my eyes, a phenomenon that would surpass anything and everything that I had ever imagined and would ultimately lead me to the truth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

This glorious occurrence, though breathtakingly frightening, happened during a time in my life when I was convinced that God did not exist, my atheistic views fed the notion that He was nothing more than a theory; a figment in the imaginations of weak minded people who were starving for meaning and purpose in this dull and bleak world. Little did I know, this notion would turn out to be only half truth.

Life to me at best held very little meaning and I figured it was too short to worry or be concerned about such nonsense. Instead, I should be seeking to have as much fun and excitement as I possibly could, before my clock stopped ticking. So, at the age of seventeen I set out on an adventure that left me wandering the United States for nearly eighteen years.

In the latter part of those years my past began to catch up with me in a major way and I found myself not able to bear the painful memories of my childhood, the details of which are not important at the moment, and as a result I turned to drugs and alcohol as a means of blanketing those unhappy times. For many years they became my new God.

As time went on, I found myself in a state of depression and loneliness and eventually slithered into a recluse condition. I was a mess; haunted by an unfortunate past and left to deal with it all on my own. Although, in all my travels, I met many different types of people, it was obviously impossible for me to maintain any kind of relationship, mainly because I was on the move most of the time but mostly because of my mental situation. People came in and out of my life like a bee to a beehive and I grew more and more inhibited.

I didn’t realize at the time but the depression I was suffering was more than just a subtle blip of normal everyday life, it was a chronic disease fueled by the thoughts abandonment and neglect and any small problem I encountered quickly escalated to nuclear size proportion. I was a walking barrage of mental desolation waiting to implode at any minute, drugs and alcohol mixed with promiscuity seemed to be the only relief in sight.

Some time later, I ended up in Miami Florida where I met a beautiful girl from Dublin Ireland. She had touched my heart like no one else had ever done and I quickly fell in love with her. She was a student back in the UK and had taken a year away from her studies to travel and was only to be here in the states for the summer. Although I knew this, I still allowed myself to fall head over heals for her. I guess I was desperate for love and companionship.

When it was time for her to move on my heart couldn’t take it. I had already convinced her to stay longer than she had planned on a couple of occasions but this time she had to go, she had no other choice, her visa was expiring. At that point I lost control and overdosed on a bottle of extra strength pain pills, about 30 or so.

After the ER, I spent three days in the intensive care unit and another three days in the Psych unit. I finally signed myself out against the recommendations of the doctors and the Hospital Psychiatrist. I told them that my trying to commit suicide was a big mistake and that it would never happen again. I convinced them that I could handle this situation on my own and didn’t need any help. I was in total denial of my depressive state and I wanted to get back to spend as much time with Emma as I could before she left.

This entire episode sparked the beginning of a rapid spiral down hill and I soon found myself accelerating on the road of self destruction and as time grew, so did my depression, loneliness and substance abuse until I ended up in a hotel room in Phoenix, Arizona.

While in Phoenix I found myself not wanting to live any longer again, but this time in the worst way. I spent countless amounts of hours sitting along, drinking, drugging and contemplating the best way to go and this time there would be no coming back. I was no longer afraid of death, unlike before, and had completely stopped looking for reasons to live.

The more I thought of my life, the wearier I became, the day to day routine became a struggle, I was bogged down in my own despair and had no energy left to carry on.

I was a walking dead man on a path of hopelessness and helplessness with no way out in sight, except for that one sign that kept popping up at he end of the road, it read Dead End.

June 14th, 2002 Phoenix, Arizona
It was about 10:30pm and I was in my hotel room alone as usual, drinking, smoking Marijuana and Crack Cocaine, I had started around 4 pm and was extremely high and paranoid at this point.

I turned on the television and noticed that it was on a religious channel, this was odd to me because I never watched that kind of stuff. Religion to me was nonexistent and was just another way of brainwashing and controlling people’s lives, not to mention their hard earned money and I wanted no part in it. I didn’t really put too much emphasis on to why it was on; I just assumed that housekeeping had been watching while cleaning my room.

Besides, I wasn’t really interested in watching TV anyway; I was just a form of distraction while getting high. I thought by turning on the TV it would somehow keep people from knowing that I was smoking crack, I was in a total state of paranoid delusion.

After getting back to what I was doing, the TV caught my attention once again, this time I heard a preacher talking about the world and of the bad things that were happening, I believe she mentioned something about the fallen Twin Towers/911, I guess that is what really drew my attention initially. She then went on to speak about things like Heaven and Hell, and about sin and the more I listened to her, the angrier I became and finally leaped up, and turned the set off and sat back down.

I later realized the preacher was Joyce Meyers the famous television evangelist.

Moments later after sitting down, I caught myself daydreaming about what she had been saying and briefly considered the possibility that there might be some truth to it and that maybe God really was real after all. However, it did not take me long before I shook off the notion and laughed at myself for even thinking of such foolishness.

As I sat on the edge of the bed, I began thinking about my life and the way it had ended up and the more I thought about it, the more saddened I became. It all seemed so unfairly divergent to anyone else’s life I had ever known. I asked myself, “Why…why is it that my life is the way it is, and what did I do wrong that I am not able to change it”

As I began to feel sorry for my life and for the way it turned out, I admitted to myself that I was an outcast and a failure and thought this to be the reason why my biological mother gave me up for adoption. I honestly began thinking that there could be no other reason than this.

I thought more of how hard it was growing up as an adoptee, not feeling loved or part of my new family, about all the trouble I used to get into and no one caring enough to find out the reason why. I thought of the loneliness that I had no choice but to live with and the sadness that I suffered my whole life and of all that weight that I had to carry around and how tired I was of carrying it.

I hated myself because I was a mixed breed, a mutt, worse off than a dog. I was no better than the slop that a swine feeds on, or the waste that he trots underfoot. I thought of how hard it was growing up in a town that hated interracial relationships and they hated me because I was a product of one. Why was I ever born, I would often ask and why was I born like this, but there was no one there to answer me. I just wanted to crawl-up under a rock and hide from it all. Then it finally hit me, on top of everything else, I realized I was an addict, addicted to crack cocaine and had truly hit rock bottom.

As I sat there, realizing that this was where I was supposed to be and that it was my destiny and would never change, I started to imagine that I had been born to be an example of someone else’s mistakes and to suffer for it the rest of my pathetic life, and there was no way out of it.

As I hid my face in my hands, I felt that it was unfair that I did not have a chance from the moment I was born and I couldn’t understand why. I was innocent and didn’t ask for any of it, why me, what had I done? I just kept asking myself that same question, “Why…why…why.”

I thought more of the times I tried to make a change in my life but every time it seemed I was making progress, something was holding me back not letting me go forward. No matter how hard I tried it was like I was beating against the wind. I stood up at that point and began wandering around in the room and my attention fell on the Holy Bible. It had been sitting on the night stand next to the bed collecting dust for as long as I had been there, but until then I had never gave any consideration to reading it.

Strangely enough, I remember at least one occasion when I threw it in the trash only to come back later that evening to find that the housekeeper had picked it out and put it back on the table. I also remember wanting to get rid of it on several occasions but for some reason I either forgot or just never did. The only time I ever gave it any real thought was when I ran out of rolling papers.

As I sat on the edge of the bed staring at the bible, I felt a strong desire to pick it up. This was quit an unusually feeling because like I said, I never gave it much thought, but I finally I gave in and picked it up.

I took it into my hands and randomly opened it to the book of 1Thessalonians. As I tried to read it, I realized that I was way too high to understand anything it was saying and as I stumbled through a couple of paragraphs trying to recall what I had read, I thought to myself, I am just wasting my time, but the urge kept me trying.

Then all of a sudden, one part of a page jumped out to me and was as clear as day. It talked about sin and the consequences of them. It went on to explain how detrimental this one particular sin was to the soul and how much God hated it and that those who committed this awful transgression would be condemned to eternity in Hell. It was talking about sexual immorality. If you have ever done drugs for any length of time, you understand exactly what I mean.

As I continued reading, it all became uncomfortably clear, I was understanding exactly what it was saying and it was as deep of an understanding, deeper than anything thing else I ever understood before. It was as if the highness had been stripped away and my mind had been opened up to this unnatural understanding. I can’t put it into words what had happened to me other than; it was an understanding that could have only come from God.

As I read, it went on to talk about many different types of sin and I realized that every one of them mentioned played a major role in my life, it felt like God was talking directly to me, pointing His finger down at me. When I realized this, I suddenly became filled with sorrow and shame, it was the most uncomfortable feeling I had ever experienced because at that point I realized, for the first time in my life, I was an unclean person filled with sin, and without even thinking about it, I pleaded, “God if you are real then help me.”

As soon as those words left my lips my heart opened up deeper than it ever had before and for the first time in nearly five years and I poured tears like a baby.

I can’t explain it but I have never cried like that in my entire life, it was as if the flood gates to my heart had exploded uncontrollably inside of me and the water poured through my eyes as if rushing back into the sea. I became weak and lightheaded and had to lie back on the bed, I tried to stop the tears from flowing, but the more I resisted, the heavier they flowed, until I just gave up.

A long time past and the tears continued and suddenly I began to have flash backs of my past. These visions were vivid images in my mind of things that I had done to myself and to others, bad things; they went back as far as my childhood. Some things I had even forgotten about. It was as if I had a projector in my mind projecting recorded images of every evil thing that I had ever done in my life. My whole life was flashing in front of my eyes, one image after another; they just kept coming and coming. First the image would come, and then the memory of it followed. They just kept coming and coming for what seemed like for ever.

At first I was at awe but then it freaked me out and after a while my heart began to beat rapidly and I became short of breath and at this point I became afraid. I then realized in the deepest part of my soul that this was an act of God. He suddenly became very real to me and that I was about to die and these visions were my judgment; they were the reasons I was on my way to Hell.

A dreadful and inexpressible feeling of fear overwhelmed me at that moment, my heart, my mind and my entire body became drenched with anxiety like nothing I have ever experienced before in my life. No words can express the level of fear I was feeling, I don’t even think it was natural. It came from somewhere far more terrifying than any place here on earth, and wherever that place was, this fear was defiantly the source of it.

I sat up and reached for the bible again trembling, I picked it up and began to read more but this time I was focused on the next page and it was no longer condemning sin but talked about a way out of it through Jesus Christ and as quickly as all that fear came into me it left and was replaced with an inexpressible amount of hope and promise.

This feeling enveloped my entire body also as if I were submerged in a pool of happiness. I can’t express the joy I felt right then but it was amazing, truly amazing. I then fell down to my knees beside the bed and began to pray but all I could say was “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please forgive me” and the more I pleaded the heaver the tears flowed

I must stop now and explain something and this is very important because later I realized its significance. God did something else amazing.

I grew in a southern Baptist Church, the name of this Church is not important. But it taught that all white people were devils among other false doctrines. Please do not get me wrong, not all Southern Baptist believe this way, just this church, and the pastor at the time. It was false teachings and false doctrine. All the same, I remember as a child thinking how it would be possible for half of me to go to heaven and the other half to hell, it was quit confusing to me and I quickly lost interest.

My point is this, no one ever taught me the correct ways of God or His word and no one ever taught me how to pray for forgiveness or ask Christ to come into my heart, I didn’t even know what it meant to ask Christ into my heart. But that night while I was on my knees, I suddenly knew exactly what I should pray for and what I should say. It was like God had planted the words in my heart.

The words came to my mind exactly like in the book of Romans 10:9- “if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved” and that was it… and exactly what I did.

After I prayed that prayer, I immediately felt a warm sensation enter my body. Once again I cannot explain exactly how it felt but that it was like a gentle electrical sensation and it filled my entire body and it changed something inside side me, deep inside of me, and I knew it, I knew that God had just entered my body and my life and that He was there to stay. I knew that from that point my life would never be the same and that everything, and I mean everything! was going to be all right. I knew it without doubt.

Glory be to God!

When I stood up I felt as if I were floating, as if my feet were not touching the floor. The heaviness; all that weight that I had been carrying around with me my whole life was gone, it had vanished, I was a hundred pounds lighter and a completely different person-a new person…I cannot explain it any better than this.
Needless to say, those visions faded away.

I started crying all over again but this time they were tears of joy and of thankfulness and everything about me was filled with happiness and a knowing that I now was a child of God and that he loves me and my life was heading in a new direction, and most importantly that ALL my sins had been forgiven.

As I paced back and forth in that room crying out to God and thanking him for entering into my life and washing away my sins, I realized that I was completely sober, the effects from the drugs were completely gone, and I also knew without a shadow of a doubt that the addiction was too.

It was an amazing night; God miraculously changed my life in a blink of an eye. I realize now that He took me to the brink of death, let me feel what hell is like, and showed me all the reasons why I deserved to go there but He brought me back again.

I can’t express to you how much this all means to me. I was an atheist; even that very night, I was an atheist. I used to curse God, I was a thief and a liar and was filled with thoughts of lust, anger, hate, depression, and hopelessness and was suicidal but God loved me just the way I was and waited for the right moment so that He could offer to take it all away.

Remember when I mentioned the Church, well the next day He lead me to a Baptist Church where the pastor helped me to get back on track.

Please feel free to share my Testimony with whom ever you are lead that it may Glorify the Lord.

-Shawn D. Long

www.myspace.com/slong56

     It was in October, 1991, that I wholeheartedly asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart as my very personal Savior.  I was sitting at my work station that day; feeling the sting of a disappointing life and wanting badly to find a way out that would, hopefully, be as effective as I’d thought suicide might be.  And so, through the instructions of a radio sermon I was listening to then, I sincerely asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart.  It was in that very moment that I began to experience a manner of feeling connected to God that I had not ever known before; an induction into the spiritual realm that felt profoundly overwhelming.

     Even so, little did I know then that, in spite of how excited I’d surely become about continuing on with my life, my journey toward some manner of spiritual  maturity would prove to be extremely difficult.  For I was a person with a fifteen year history of acting out as a lesbian.  Yet I’d only been wanting to turn away from that lifestyle for a few months, before receiving empowerment through Jesus Christ to actually do so. 

People,  what I need you to know, at this point, is that my knowledge of lesbianism came about when I was just a child beginning puberty.  You see, there were certain magazines in the house; one of which was a kind of weekly newspaper which had an ongoing lesbian story as one of its features.  So, with my young hormones feeling stimulated by that ongoing story, I followed it each week that newspaper was brought into the house.  Parents,  I admonish you to protect your children from such input with all your might.  For, I truly believe, my sexuality might not have been awakened toward my own gender had I not learned that such behavior was an option; right there in my own household. 

     Nevertheless, with all of my heart, I wanted to come to know more about Jesus Christ and learn to follow him to the very best of my ability.  And so, having now been made aware that my mind would be far more difficult to bring into submission to God than my flesh had been, I appealed to Him to just make those thoughts go away.  However, rather than to make things easy for me that way, God, instead, began to make me aware of certain things I needed to do on my own.  And number one on that list of things, I soon learned, was to steer clear of even the smallest amount of pornographic input.  For there surely would have been no progress to be made in my mind, whatsoever, concerning my deviant ways, without this very necessary act of willingness, on my part, to cooperate with God. 

     And so, as time went by, I began to understand far more about God than I thought  I did before.  And one of those things was that it didn’t matter how I started out; lesbian or whatever.  All that mattered to God, I came to understand, was that I was willing to cooperate with Him; that I surely wanted to be brought to a place of absolute deliverance from a manner of thinking I no longer embraced.  I came to understand, as well, that if change was to come about for me, it could only be through my redeemer Jesus Christ; the author of change.  For none other than he knows just how to restore within us that right spirit which brings us into agreement with God’s intention for our lives.

     So, for all I’ve shared here, and then some, I am surely delivered from my own lesbian tendencies; wholeheartedly and completely.  In this, I am empowered to choose not to misbehave sexually; a freedom of choice surely restored to me through the power of Jesus Christ and for as long as I am choosing to just let it be.  For this same freedom of choice, which is our birthright, had been lost to me the very moment I began choosing to do what I knew full well was wrong according to God; first heterosexually, as a teenager, and then, some years later, as an adult acting out homosexually.  It is a choice now made easy for me; for I have indeed endured what has been a painstaking and humbling process of becoming wholeheartedly transformed through the renewing of my mind; as it speaks of in Romans 12 vs. 2.   And in the place of the futility of trying to live for myself, I am, instead, choosing to live my life as a follower of Jesus Christ.  For, as he says in John 8: 31-32, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”

     And so, for now being free, in that way, I indeed strive to be like Jesus; even with knowing full well that I’ll never reach such a degree of perfection.  On a daily basis, I try to practice love and tolerance; first for myself and then toward others.  And when I fall short of this, to keep striving to do so just the same.

     Through my efforts to mature as a Christian, I am made aware that the battle is not mine; but it is the Lord’s.  That it is for me, fully trusting in Him, to only seek to combat Satan’s strategies through God’s Word and on my knees in prayer.

     Nearly sixteen years have gone by now since I last acted out as a lesbian.  I am at peace with myself, for nothing appeals to me more than worshipping the Lord in spirit and in truth, and through the relaying of His message of hope.  In this, I am fulfilling a promise made to God many years ago; that should He choose to completely deliver me from a lesbian mindset, I’d testify about it to all who would receive my testimony, for as long as He would empower me to do so.

     Nevertheless, my message of hope concerning absolute deliverance from being imprisoned to homosexuality is clearly only for those who are truly seeking to be free.  For I have come to understand that, without sincerely seeking to be free of  homosexuality, there is no freedom to be found for anyone indulging in the behavior. 

During my personal Bible studies I made an amazing discovery. Before I started I asked God to show me His love more. And boy did He! I opened my Bible and read the great chapter on Love, which is 1 Corinthians 13, and when I got to the parts that explain what love is an impression came to me. Since “God is love” {1 John 4:16} then these characteristics on love must be what God is like.

With that thought in mind I re-read 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 and this is what I saw:

God is patient

God is kind

He does not envy

He does not boast

He is not proud

He is not rude

He is not self-seeking

He is not easily angered

He keeps no record of wrongs

He does not delight in evil

He rejoices with the truth

He always protects

He always trusts

He always hopes

He always perseveres

God never fails

My mind was blown away at this revelation. I had caught a glimpse of what God is through those familar passages of scripture. I’m so grateful for what the Holy Spirit taught me here.

I woke up one glorious morning of 11^th June 1999 and everything seemed usual except me. I was very hungry for I had not eaten anything the previous day except some two eggs I had eaten in a small hotel in the city of Nairobi, Kenya, Africa.  I had spent the night in a friends room In Lower Kabete campus of the university of Nairobi situated on the outskirts of Nairobi city where I had graduated as an accountant almost a year that had lasted, on 30^th November 1998. Before graduating, I had got a job in a small firm in Nairobi only to be sacked 6 months later. Since then I had been looking for a job in the city of Nairobi. I had got saved after graduation. In this particular morning I prepared as usual and left for the city in a Nissan microbus. We had agreed to meet with another friend of mine, Muriithi, at Odeon cinema hall where maximum miracle centre, a church ministry in the city of Nairobi headed by bishop Muiru, had hired the hall for morning, lunch hour  and Sunday sermons. I was delighted to meet him there as agreed. He was a good friend of mine and had been a classmate for four years at lower Kabete campus, was saved as I was and was a source of great encouragement especially during this time when I was waiting upon the lord for a job like himself. Together we never wanted to miss lunch hour services and kesha’s (overnight prayers) at maximum miracle centre. 

On this day I had shs.40 (us $0.5) in my pocket and nothing more. During lunch time prayers, I told God that I was to test him as he allows us to test him with giving (tithes) in the book of Malachi (Malachi3:10) I contributed the whole shs40 as offering and asked God to give me lunch and fare in return. I was not expecting money from anybody or was not expecting to meet anyone who could give me money. Yet after lunchtime, as I strolled around the city with my friends, I met my dad searching for me in the streets of Nairobi! Imagine somebody searching for someone in the busy and crowded streets of Nairobi! We met miraculously in a street where no one expected the other. We greeted each other and then he broke saddening news to me. He informed me that my grandmother was dead.  

The saddening fact on my part was that she had died without having accepted Jesus Christ as her personal saviour. I felt like to weep.  After absorbing this piece of news the next thing he did was to offer me lunch even though he was complaining of lack of money. He also gave me money to spend. So I got the financial miracle I had asked from God.  But the sadness still remained in me. It was too late for me to do anything about my grandmother. She had died at a good old age but had had not known about salvation through the blood of Jesus Christ throughout her life. When a person is dead nothing can be done to save his or her soul except if may be God decides to bring her or him back to life like the way he brought Lazarus back to life(John 11:43). But it is only God who can do it at his own will, mercies and grace. For my grandmother, it didn’t happen. But dad also told me that my grandpa was seriously sick and was on the point of death. He was suffering from stroke which he had sustained as a result of a fall in his home compound. For a long time he had also been suffering from the swelling of the scrotum and poor eyesight. For a man of his age, for he was about 100 years old, there was no much hope of his surviving a disease like stroke. It was pretty dangerous for him to be operated on, yet his condition required an operation.  I believed in the healing power of Jesus. In the evening of the same day, being a Friday, my friend Muriithi and I went for overnight prayer at cameo cinema hall organized by maximum miracle centre. I narrated the whole story to him and asked him to pray for grandpa.

I asked God to communicate to me whether he would heal my grandpa.  Throughout the night, I prayed for healing and salvation of my grandfather. By morning I was assured that at least my grandfather would be saved. I must admit that I was about only 7 months old in salvation and hadn’t known much about faith as yet. But still I prayed and believed that grandpa would be healed. All I needed was encouragement from the Holy Spirit so that I could go and pray for my grandpa.  But while the Holy Spirit could not communicate to me about the healing of grandpa, he did assure me that he (grandpa) was going to accept Jesus as his personal savior.  So on 12^th June 1999, I left the city of Nairobi and bade goodbye to my friend Muriithi for Muthithi village, Maragua district in central province of Kenya where I was born and brought up and where I was to meet my grandpa. It is about a one and a half hours journey in a minibus ride.  

The journey was nice and I alighted at my village shopping centre called Muthithi.  From there, I walked a few metres, about 300m, across a river and up a ridge, to reach the remotely situated home of grandpa and late grandmother. It was an old  three roomed mabati(iron sheets) roofed mud walled house and perhaps the most valuable asset that my grandparents had ever possessed in their lives apart from their  less- than- two acre piece of land  I arrived when dusk was setting in and found women sitting outside the house seemingly gloomy and sad. They were chatting away stories in low tones expressing grieve. There was also the funeral committee gathered for the burial arrangements of my late grandma. There were also some other few men, apart from the committee members, and a few young men and ladies. The atmosphere itself was dismal. It was as if death lurked in the locality for to say the least, everyone had no hope of grandpa ever recovering from his disease and indeed he never did.   Many of my relatives were there. As for my grandpa, I met him in his bed, in an inner room which was his bedroom. 

One thing that impressed me was that he was perfectly conscious. This I discovered because he didn’t struggle to recognize me through my voice as he had always done before for he could not see properly as his eyesight was poor.  God had given me enough grace to talk about Jesus Christ to my grandfather who by then had not gone to any church for five years that had lasted. I had never known my grandpa to be a regular churchgoer throughout my life.  “Grandfather, Jesus can save you. Without getting saved through the blood he shed, and without accepting the salvation that he brought into this world through his crucifixion on the cross, you can’t see the kingdom of God.” I told him.  Apparently it seemed to be unexpected news to my grandfather. He flatly refused to listen saying that he was already saved. “Ever since I were a small boy, I got saved when I were baptized.” He said. However, I pressed on but finally when I found out that he was not willing to get saved, I left him in the bedroom to rest. During the same night, I preached to the people who had gathered there. This became the very first time that I preached to a congregation of people numbering more than ten. 

On the morning of 15.6.1999, my grandfather’s health deteriorated. We took him to a nearby health clinic and he was treated and discharged. Back at home, I gave him the word of God again. Apparently he was not prepared to get saved at all. I asked God, “Didn’t you tell me that grandfather is going to get saved?” Somehow, I felt that I needed the encouragement of another born-again person so that at least we could pray for my grandpa. I cried to God and said “if only there is another saved person here” As I were wishing for another person, a born again man, a street preacher who used to preach in the streets of Nairobi (Muhia) came along on his way home from Nairobi.

I praised God that he had answered my prayer within such a short time. “Muhia, please come here that we may pray for my grandpa” I said to him. He refused, excusing himself by saying that he first had to go home.  For a time then, I had been discussing with my grandpa outside his house about the word of God. I pitied him. If only he knew what I was asking him to do, he couldn’t have resisted even the least to take heed of it. Here, he was with little hope of surviving his disease yet resisting salvation. Somehow, I felt that there was nothing more I could do and I handed over the rest to God, never giving up.  As my grandfather was taken to his bedroom to rest I called out to God and said “God, I have never seen Satan triumph.” I had faith that God was going to save grandpa because he had told me so and he is not a man that he should lie.  I was left sitting on a bench outside the grandpa’s house, helpless and without knowing what to do next. Yet, as I sat there God brought another saved person- a lady who was my relative (Wanjiru). I praised God because although the street preacher had been unable to assist me here was another lady sent by God. There also came a man (Mustii) who was not saved and a habitual drunkard although not drunk then, who joined the two of us on the bench. We were therefore three in all.  Looking at the lady and the man I said “do you know that my grandfather is going to get saved?” The lady said “yes, if it is God’s will, he can”.  But the man said “Sammy, there is no need of telling your grandpa to get saved when he is such ill and old. Now it will bring complications to change his religion for he has been a catholic in most of his life. Moreover, he is too ill and can’t know anything about getting saved. He won’t understand when you tell him to get saved.”  Immediately I knew that this was the devils side of the story. I reminded him that religion will take no man to the kingdom of God. The man himself was a catholic but a habitual drunkard. What matters is whether you have received Jesus Christ as your saviour and whether you believe in his name and whether you have confessed about it (John 1:12 and Romans 10:9-10). 

Believe it or not, God intervened at this crucial point and a miracle occurred. We were still discussing about the possibility of grandpa getting saved when suddenly, my aunt who was in the house cooking, called out my name loudly saying “your grandpa wants you to come to his bedroom so that you can complete what you have been telling him”. I hurried into the house telling the sister in Christ to follow behind me. We found the old man awake on the bed. “Sammy, I want you to finish on what you have been telling me”, he said.  We asked him whether he wanted to get saved “yes, I want to get saved”, he said. I felt joy fill my heart. The devil is a liar and will always be a victim rather than the victor. I led the confession prayer which he repeated after me, and he became saved within a short moment. His name was written in the lamb’s book of life.  My grandfather was addicted to tobacco which he had been sniffing (through the nose) for a long time. Even as I led the salvation prayer, the snuff box lay just next to him so that he could take a pinch when need arose .Even when sick, he had been sniffing tobacco! All that a certain man could do to show hospitality to grandpa, though he did it in good faith, was to buy him tobacco (snuff) which he was now sniffing.  “Now that you have gotten saved, you must stop sniffing tobacco” I told him.  “In fact, take it and go and bury it as deep as you can under the ground. I don’t want it any more.” He answered. This pleased me a lot. I thanked God. I took the tobacco and the snuffbox and threw them away in the shamba (piece of land), where he could not reach it. Since that day he never asked for tobacco till his death. The addiction disappeared miraculously.  

Then he told me “sammy, check on the calendar and tell me the date on which I have got saved so that I can memorize it.” This came to me as a surprise. It meant that my grandfather had really got saved and was fully aware about it. Had I not just heard the man I had been sitting with outside say that grandpa could not understand anything about salvation?  It was on 15^th June 1999 and I told him so. “So I have got saved on 15^th June 1999” he said. After some more prayers we left him so that he could rest.  The next day his health deteriorated and we took him to Murang’a district hospital where he was admitted. I spent the night in the hospital looking after him. In the few days that followed before his death, I occasionally visited him to comfort and encourage him about salvation telling him “praise God”, and him answering “Amen”. He could assure me that he was still saved.  Ten days after his admission to Murang’a district hospital, on a fine morning at around 6 AM, the old man passed away when I were at the ablutions washing a container which I was supposed to go and use to fetch some milk for him from a nearby kiosk. I saw it in a short vision while at the ablutions. He passed away when my aunt, her daughter, was standing by his bedside and aunt could not believe it because it was difficult to tell whether he was dead by looking at his face for he had died peacefully and wore an apparent expression of calmness on his face. My aunt had to look for someone else to come and confirm that he was actually dead.  As for me, I asked God in a short prayer which I said in the hospital in my heart to show me a vision or otherwise to let me know truly that he had taken my grandpa himself and not the devil.

When in the matatu (commuter vehicle), on our way home, the spirit of God impressed  me in my heart that it was in fact not I to see the vision but some other people especially my mother.  We (my aunt and I) broke the news about the death of grandpa back in our village. After that, I went into the kitchen room to warm myself as well as wait for tea to get ready. It was still in the morning. As I sat there beside a traditional three stone cooker, some women also gathered there and started discussing about my late grandfather and late grandmother. One woman who had been their neighbour and relative talked about a vision she had seen the previous night about grandpa. “Yesterday night, I saw Gerald being escorted home by some two very clean men, one on the right and the other one on the left.” She said. Then my mother said “I also saw a vision. Just the other day, I saw in a dream very bright, gleaming light” my mother added that she felt the gleaning light had something to do with my grandfather. I knew that it was the Glory of God similar to what Stephen of the bible saw before his death. (Acts 7:55) I thanked God that he had answered my prayer for I believe these are the visions he had told me would be seen by some other people and especially my mother. 

Funeral arrangements for grandpa were done and a few days later his body was brought from the mortuary and buried. Only very few people really knew about what had happened to Grandpa about salvation. My grandmother had been buried a few days before. I give glory to almighty God who lives and whose love endures forever for saving grandpa at such an advanced age. In our community, the age of old people like him can only be deduced by looking at the name of their age groups because they do not have official records to show their age. According to the age group to which my grandfather belonged and from views of some people, grandfather was thought to be about 100 years old.    I thank God for giving him a sober mind at that age and in sickness.  Without Jesus we can’t do anything. May his name be praised forever. 

not sure about my dreams… the eyes of god possibly, the weather, other dreams

I ‘ve been filled with the holy ghost as a young child. I started having dreams after i got filled with the holy ghost most of them frightening. I’m  21 and i attend Kent State University. This one time I was sitting in the kicthen in my grandma house read Rod Parsley.. I was about 11… then i heard this music this was the beautifulist music I  ever heard… it felt like something was sprinklin down on me.. then something said go to the bathroom and pray. I didn’t go because I was scared. I can say honestly I’ve been in and out of church. I’ ve had dreams about tornado’s, earthquakes and snowstorms. All those dreams came true not immediately. I had this dream not so long ago… I was in a building it had two layers. There were lot’s of people.  My best friend was there. Thunder was hitting the building it was shaking… people were frantic. I was trying to help my best friend up on the second layer… All of a sudden  i seen this cross fall Something said I AM JESUS ON THE CROSS.. I woke up and there were some pink eyes in front of my face. Lately I’ve stopped listening to rap music… I decided a few days ago that I will give my life fully over to God. Hallejuah! I also had a dream about this big tidle wave I was on a beach… this helicopter came out of no where it was on fire.. then I went to my grandma house and told her God is coming back. When i was a child i had a dream about the moon breaking and falling from the sky.. my grandma was speaking in tongues. I had a dream that there was a dragon in the sky and the whole downtown skyline was on fire.. I was a child when I had this dream. Also when I was about 16 my uncle who is a pastor (he was called by God when he was young… given a gift to cast out demons) a group of people were in a circle.. he was praying on me saying i am the son of amos… i am a girl… that’s not all but I just wanna give God the glory! Hopefully someone could tell me was that God’s eyes I seen. Hallejuah! Praise God! Hallejuah thank u Jesus. He is the true and living God.