July 21st, 2012
I’m new to this but I don’t mind sharing my life with other’s. Being a Christian in today’s society is very overwhelming and very testing. I grew up in the church all my life and was saved at the age of 22 years old. I am now 30 and yet the struggle still continues, through it all God has showed me many things about others and about myself. Trying tolive a Godly life in this present world so far has been a thorne in the flesh. Never was a child or young woman to run the streets or misbehave, never perfect but I was sheltered for most of my life and really never had the chance to get into any trouble normal teens or kids would get into. None of us have the mind of God, but Him and Him only. Not to be boastful, but I am smart, beautiful, humurous, easy going, layed back and I enjoy life. I have been raised under the guide of God and taught to be a respectable young lady. But yet I have no one in my life that God would allow any way. Many times I would isolate yself so that I wouldn’t be tempted to fall into to fornication and anything that wasn’t of God. My life consisted of work, school, church and that was practically it. As I got older I felt as if this was all God had for me, a repetitive life. Not saying that prayer, daily reading and worship is boring but I wasn’t truly happy. I was stress free, I gave all my frustrations to God and did as his word told me but yet I felt as though this is how im going to live the rest of my life. Living with a widow (grandmother) sitting at the dinner table day after day and night after night. No movies, no laughter, no excitement, no nothing. I learned that some Christians can become religious and lead religious lives and forget that we are not to fall prey to the religious spirit. I became resentful and angry and frustrated at God. Never saying that what I do makes Him reward me no he loves and give because He wants not of our own help. My friends and family members where leading happy lives having families of their own getting married, going on cruises and just plainly enjoying life. And here I am at home wasteing away no social life, no where to go but work church and/or school. Many nights and days I became so bored and frustrated all I could do was eat my frustration away read read read the bible and yet I was still anxiuos. I prayed I cried I don’t know how many nights. Church folks would quote scripture and so called ministers would minister but they were just words ti me. Some people blatantly sin and deal with the consequences later, but I always looked at both ends of my situtations before I attempted to do anything and yet still I struggled. Wanting to be married and have children in the convenant of marriage. I thank God for covering me when I wne tand did my own thing and I have no children out of wedlock. My biological clock is ticking very loud. Not my doing my body is doing. Ever since I turned 30 my body has been doing its own thing. I should not feel bad because I want to lay with a man, God has givenme these feeling. Have I held out yes on many occassion, but God is taking too long and i’m burning drowwning in my desires. There aren’t really any available men and in today’s society homosexuals and lesbianism has taken affect. I’m afraid that I may fall into the same trap as other’s. I know He sees all and he hears all prayers even the unspoken prayers, will He help me before it’s too late. does he love me enough to rescue me from my frustrations?