Testimony Share

I grew up in church. My father was a pastor and my grandfather on my mom’s side was and still is a pastor. And still the enemy got a hold of me. I was raped when I was 13 and rebelled. Soon after I was put on anti-depressants after attempting suicide. I drank heavily, smoked pot and experimented with many drugs for ten years until I was introduced to meth. My whole world was torn apart by meth. I lost 80 lbs. in 5 months, hid myself from friends and family, my boyfriend and I lost our apartment and lived  homeless for 3 months. And still the God I had known form infancy never let me out of His sight. I found out I was pregnant and my boyfriend (whom introduced me to meth) said that I was never to touch meth again. We moved in with his mom and found an apartment soon after. I had a beautiful and healthy baby boy, his name is Judah. When my son was 4 months old my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to get high again and i said yes. I got high non stop for three months and again lost my apartment. My boyfriend took my son to his mom’s and I stayed with a drug addict for another three months. i only saw my son 4 times during the last  3 months. And still the God I’ve known from infancy never let me out of his sight. I went to a christian women’s trauma retreat that dealt with the original trauma i had went through as a child and in one weekend the Lord healed my heart, my soul and my body. I’ll never be the same agian. There is no longer any need to drown my sorrows with drugs and alcohol because my god has deliverd me from the pain. I am now married to my son’s dad and being the mother and wife God created me to be. All the praise and glory to Jesus!

From Depression and Drugs to be Saved, Sanctified, Holy Ghost Filled, and Water Baptized

What on Earth Happened to Jessica?

People would often speculate what a life living for the Lord would be like. I could say that before this dramatic change in my life I felt I had enough problems in my life then to add on trying to live a certain way that was required of me. It was a no brainer that being a religious fanatic was no where in my future. However, I come to realize that it isn’t that way at all. In the mist of all my troubles, Jesus was already working in my life through subtle dreams and people crossing my path. He is working in your life as you read this but you may not be spiritually mature enough to recognize it. No one is born that way. It is something you develop. You need not be a rocket scientist but just have an open and weary heart. I was in a time in my life when I was struggling with depression, being in a relationship with an addict I loved and still do love very much, jobless, and just struggling inside altogether. I was wondering why I tried so hard. I served my country for five years. I had a college degree and I was a good mother. I couldn’t imagine how life could deal me hand like this. I cried and stayed up for many nights asking God why. I know this is not very uncommon to people. Some of you may be experiencing these things or have experienced these things before. I was medicating my self with drugs and alcohol to deal with my issues. I have always been somewhat of a strong person but somehow I lost grip. The common person wouldn’t be able to recognize me but those that knew me up close would see it.

When I accepted Jesus my mind was made up. I remember many times at night telling him no matter how he had to get me out of my situation to do it. I was ready to live for him. I couldn’t do it anymore by myself. If he had to take anyone and everyone out of my life then so be it. I could not walk out my situation. I was so bound that he had to get me out.

I made a decision having a tiny bit of faith that he heard me when I talked to him or that he even existed. I wasn’t raised in a church. All I know that if this Jesus character was real, and all they say about him is true that he would be the only one to save me from self destructing.

I was Baptized in Jesus Name and He Filled Me with the Holy Ghost

 
Holy Ghost? Could this be real? If it was real, then the bible is right and somebody’s wrong. I mean this was something those crazy Pentecostals practiced. They were the people that would wear the dresses and would speak tongues. No way! Yes way….and it happened to me. When I was baptized in Jesus name, he filled me with the Holy Ghost and I my lips began to stammer and I spoke in a tongue I could not understand. It felt like it was a release that I needed since I was victimized as a child. I felt special and was beside myself knowing what was happening and that Gods love for me was unconditional and that no matter what I did he forgave me. It was confirmation he heard my cries. It doesn’t happen immediately for most people but you have to ready to receive it. You have to repent of all your sins and have a clean slate with God. You have to be willing to fully submit yourself to his will. Remember now this was all new to me but my heart was weary and I was ripe for the picking.

After, the Lord blessed me with the Holy Ghost I started to change, I could recognize people for the spirits in them rather then just their body. God had taken me to a new spiritual level and doorways started opening. The bible in which I could not comprehend before started to speak to me in a sense. I started to understand it. I felt like it was some other realm or dimension that the common man knew nothing about. Scriptures started to connect and I started to grow in his word. I had dreams in which God warned me of tests to come. I past some and failed some but in it all God was revealing to me what needed to come out or he needed to put into me. This was a supernatural experience that was happening to me. I couldn’t explain it to my own family without them looking strange at me.

The Holy Ghost Moved Me

 
While still living in the same situation at home, I would hear the word..”Separate” in a faint voice in my head. It was that word and that word only. The Lord had saved me and here I was. I was still living with my boyfriend at the time and he had still been struggling with his problems and I was still technically married to my first husband. People would come around to have a couple of beers but I couldn’t be at peace. I made a vow to God that now matter what that if he took me out of my situation that I would give everything up. He was making sure that I met my end of the deal. I tried to ignore the voice at first but regardless I was a new creature in him. I could sense the spirit of alcoholism and smoking around me and it repulsed me inside. I was so sensitive to it now. What was happening to me? My spirit couldn’t take it and I moved me and my daughter out of the house and left my boyfriend who I loved very dearly. Doors began to open for me and I had a very close spiritual sister of mine draw up my paperwork for my divorce with my husband to get things right. Our divorce was final on February 8, 2010 and I am now living life as a single, saved, sanctified, Holy Ghost filled and water baptized woman. This means living according to Gods law not mans.

The Lord is Blessing Me

 
You can feel the Lords presence come over you when you have the Holy Ghost. It is a feeling of Joy and Peace. It makes me cry when it initially comes over me because it is a reminder that God is real, the Holy Ghost is real, and all that he has done for me. He has delivered me from everything. I am no longer bound. I am free. When the Holy Ghost overtakes me from time to time I dance in the spirit in my church, I shout, I jump and I feel like I am on fire inside. I feel like Jesus is all I ever want and all I ever need. I often tell people that it feels like if someone just told you that you won a hundred million dollars. How would you react? People wouldn’t even recognize me or think I have a few screws loose but I don’t care what people think, I know what I feel. I want to tell the world that if you are not experiencing this level of intimacy with God then you are missing out on so much. There is more to it then just tears in church and feeling his presence. He can fill you on the inside. When you receive the Holy Ghost you have power over all spirits. His joy strengthens you and he begins to lead you.

The Explosion
Jesus exploded in my heart and I am head over heels in love with him. The Holy Ghost is better then any drug. It is real. People who know me know that I tell it like it is. There will be some that believe that this is a coping mechanism and some that truly believe. I know that I have the true genuine Holy Ghost. I know that prayer changes things. I know that when I speak to my Lord and Savior he hears every word I say. I know he knows my heart and knows what is best for me at al times. There are new levels with Jesus and every time you pass a certain level the desire in your heart is so strong to go to the next one.

My Opinion

When you get to this level with God, and try to go back to the world you are never the same because of what he has revealed to you. You can’t ignore what you know without a doubt. The devil will try to deceive you and tell you that the world was so much better but why go back to what he took you out of? You came to him with a weary heart…why would you want that back to anxiety, misery, heartache and pain… The Devil is a liar and he will tell you that the world is so much nicer. God allows us our own free will and if you choose to go back he will not force you to stay but you will never have true peace unless you are in his will. I want to stay in his will and when I said “Yes”, I truly meant completely “Yes”. I have to fight everyday when things come against me to. I live life in True Holiness as God asks of me.

Growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father

Delivered from years severe depression, suicidal thoughts, hopelessness and the scars of sin

I was pretty happy artistic, energetic child who loved to play, read, write, sing and draw. Life for me as a child growing up, was pretty normal, but my early teen years, my dad drinking had turned him into a full blown alcoholic. He physically and emotional abused my mother for many years, hitting her on an almost daily basis and accusing her of all manner of things and calling her all sorts of vulgar names. Our house was filled with shouting, hitting and quarrelling most for the time, and I did not know what it was like to live in peace. Because of the abuse she suffered from my father, my mother was mostly always crying and unhappy and very strict with my sister and I.

Depression and suicide

As a result of growing up in such an unstable, chaotic home, I developed very low self esteem, fear and had no confidence whatsoever. I was scared of people, reserved and withdrawn. I didn’t talk much and did not like to associate with people. I coped with what was going on at home by shutting me away from people, not getting close to anyone for fear of being hurt. I escaped by watching a lot of TV, thinking a lot, writing my journals daydreaming and reading novels.

I was not really brought up in church. I always longed to know God, but my ideas about him were of this strict God I could never please who would send me to hell if I wasn’t perfect. I did not imagine him as a God of love. When I was 9, I had 2 dreams where the rapture had occurred and I was always full of fear of being left behind when Jesus came and ending up in hell.

At age 15, I was so hopeless and lost in such darkness that I did not want to live anymore. Life was too unbearable. I tried to commit suicide by taking a huge bunch of pills hoping to overdose and escape the hell I was living in at home. Luckily I did not die, and out of a fear of going to hell, I did not attempt suicide seriously again but felt stuck living while I wanted to die.

In boarding school in high school I was reserved, shy, awkward, and clumsy and loved to stay alone. Girls in my school called me ‘weird’ and ‘odd’ because of my intense fear and awkwardness. I also bed wet through out high school and this made me feel like an even bigger weirdo than they thought I was. I had body image issues and hated everything about myself.

My father’s suicide and more hopelessness

When I was 16 my father tried to kill my mother one night, and the next day after intervention from my mother’s sisters and brother, they were separated .We moved to a smaller house which my mother could afford. I only saw my dad once more 6 months later in December, 1998.

6 months later on May 1999 when I was 17, my father committed suicide. I was in my last year of high school, and my mind was in such torment that I’m surprised I managed to finish high school and pass my exams.

My first 3 years of college went by in a blur. They were miserable years. I got involved in a relationship where I was introduced to alcohol and sex. Got pregnant at 20 and had an abortion. I also struggled greatly with OCB (obsessive compulsive Disorder), bulimia and more anxiety. I visited many different places for counseling and therapy, but I never really got any help for my depression.

I was constantly suicidal after the abortion and had a great fear of death and going to hell. Fear had so taken over my life that I was scared of leaving the house even to go to college. I would shut myself in the house for days with all the curtains drawn filled with misery. I would drink secretly in my room to numb the pain, but it only made things worse. Once I drank so much I collapsed and was rushed to hospital where I was admitted for 2 days on alcoholic poisoning.

I had always wanted to live for God but it was always so hard for me to make the decision because I felt so unworthy. One day in January 2003, after months of wanting to get right with God, sitting at home alone, I switched to Christian TV and after watching 3 shows, I repeated the prayer they said after the program and gave my life to Christ.

Falling back into darkness

In the year and a half to come I joined a church and focused on serving God and pleasing him. I gave myself to fully serving God in various ministries in the church. My life finally had peace and true joy. Everybody noticed the change in me because I was no longer sad and withdrawn. My mum and sister started attending church once in a while because of me.

However the change was short-lived. I begun again to struggle with depression and insecurity, and instead of staying close to God and looking to him for comfort, I walked away. I met up with an old friend and I ended up pregnant. I lost 25 pounds while pregnant because of depression and made two half hearted suicide attempts. I hardly ate. My body was weak; I became very thin and was filled with such severe hopelessness.

Being a new mom, with severe mental health issues, no confidence, depression and a lot of anger and bitterness at life and all my mistakes, despite having wanted always to be a ‘good’ responsible girl, was not something easy for me. Being a mom did not come naturally because I had always secluded myself into this world where I was always alone, and it was difficult to now deal with having an innocent, helpless life be my responsibility. It took years for me to finally be at home and at ease with being a mum with God’s help.

My mother was also struggling with her own identity as a widow and alcohol seemed to be her only comfort. Added to it having to support me, jobless and with a child was not easy for her. It was very strenuous to our relationship since we both and bitterness and so much anger and a feeling of receiving the short end of the stick in life. 

I finally was referred to a psychiatrist by my aunt coz she saw I needed the help. I couldn’t function. I was always tired and disoriented. The doctor prescribed anti-depressants for me, but I did not take them long because of the side effects.

In the years to come, I would get into many wrong relationships, make friends with the wrong kind of people because I was lonely, go out to clubs with my new ‘friends’ something I never did before, started drinking quiet often, got addicted to wine, tried smoking weed, tried getting into all manner of stuff to get peace. I even thought I may be a lesbian and sought this lifestyle out, but even after trying all there was to try, I still felt lonely and alone, and I did not fit in any where.

My life was a big mess. I did my best to be a good mum to my daughter, because I did not want her to feel the same rejection I’d felt all my life, but being depressed and sad all he time, I could not really be good mother to her.

At the age of 27, I started to lose my mind completely. I was so tired, often sick, fatigued, hopeless and begging God daily to let me die. I knew if I didn’t make things right with God I probably would end up dead for sure. I didn’t have much of life left.  I was so frustrated with my life, I had no peace. I started seeing a psychiatrist again because I was at my end. He diagnosed me as severely clinically depressed and also having social anxiety and put me on drugs. But I could feel God tell me it’s him I needed, and I could keep medicating and drinking but I would never have peace.

After years of rejecting God and trying to fix my life on my own I couldn’t run any more. On July 7^th, a normal day, I went home put my daughter to sleep, I just felt the conviction of the lord so strong that night that I knew it was time to make things right. Right there in my bedroom crying like a baby, I confessed my sins, rededicated my life back to Jesus. I knew right them my past was over and there would be no turning back.  

The bible says if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).That night I cried out to God sincerely and he heard me. Like the prodigal son in Luke 15, I came to myself and went back to my father and he received me with joy and rejoicing.

 “he lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire.” (Psalms 40:2)

I started slowly working again on my relationship with God and leaning on his eternal love for me. He delivered me from my fear and depression and suicidal thoughts. I eventually went back to the very same church where I had served and fallen and got back into serving in my church again.  I love serving the lord and ministering to people. I am a Sunday school Teens teacher and involved in the praise and worship ministry in my church. I love any outreach work that involves telling people about Jesus.  I also love writing for the lord as an outreach and encouragement tool. God has given me a special love for the broken hearted, rejected, unloved, cast aside and hurt because that was my experience. I know there is healing for any situation we have gone through in Christ and I am open to sharing that love and provision to all. God has made my mess my message.

I also now have a blog which I use to share Jesus, articles and messages on various life and faith issues. My aim is to share Christ’s love, forgiveness, healing, and encouragement and hopefully express his Grace and Love in what I write.

Healing is a process, and it’s not been easy facing people and their comments and questions, but knowing God has accepted and forgiven me, I cannot walk head held low. There are so many burdens in my heart for the lost and the hurting and I know that everything I’ve gone through God shall use for his glory in turning many to him. I know that everything I’ve gone through is for a purpose.

 God has taken my fears and hopelessness away and given me new life, and he will do the same for you if you let him, no matter what you have done. He is no respecter of persons.

“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold all things are become new. …” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1)

You can get me through my email adress:hisgrace82@gmail.com.

Remember Jesus loves YOU!

HI IM 26 ILL BE 27 IN A FEW MONTHS IVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH & IVE SEEKED GOD S MUCH BUT I STILL FEEL SO ALONE ! I PRAY ALL THE TIME FOR GOD TO LEAD ME IM SO DIFFERENT FROM MY FAMILY BARELY TALK TO THEM HAVE NO FRIENDS HAVE A BOYFRIEND BUT IM TOO LONELY TO LEAVE HIM HE MAY NOT BE THE BEST ONE FOR ME . I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU ALL MORE DETAIL BUT ITD TAKE REALLY LONG. TO SUM IT UP I JUST NEED HELP I FEEL DUMB I CANT SOCIALIZE IVE TRIED TO TAKE MY LIFE LIKE I BEG GOD TO SHOW ME N LEAD ME I WANT TO DO RITE MOST PPL MY AGE COULD CARE LESS I FEEL I DO BUT IM NEVER HAPPY WITH NO CONFIDENCE . CAN SOMENE HELP WITH ADVICE IT HURTS SO BAD ITS SO MUCH Y WNT GOD SHOW ME SOME TYPE OF GRACE ?? WHEN I BEG HIM I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL N HAPPY AND WANT GODS WILL FOR MY .LIFE BUT IM JUST SO STUCK IDONT EVEN KNOW IF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE BUT GOD LEAD ME TO THIS SITE HOPEFULLY ILL GET SME HELP & INSIGHT PLEAASSE GOD I NEEEDD U THIS IS WHAT I SAY ALL THE TIME I JUST FEEL SO STUPID AND ALONE

My name is David Gallagher II, originally from Harrisburg PA. Currently I am traveling again through East Texas on my way to wherever God sends me. The following was a letter that was being written to my 17 year old daughter but turned into something I’d like to share with more.

My Dear Heather;

I was going to write this as a letter to you but decided to make it a public document.  I hope you and others take the time to read this testimony regarding what has happened to me over the past year and especially the past few months.  Since this is going to be a very long testimony, I’ll be continuing the story when I can.

Looking back at November of 08′ , I can see now that I was becoming a danger to not only your sister Sara but to everyone around me, including you.  I was acting recklessly and irresponsibly and it was only the beginning of a long dark fall I was about to take.  My reasons for leaving were selfish but I know now that God was in control all along.  His infinite wisdom combined with my own stupidity kept the people I loved most, safe from my self-destruction.  My drinking had again become a problem and everyone around could see it.  Once I left it got only marginally better but this was only a small positive before things turned even worse in my life. 

After a car accident I was in, my loneliness and self-pity brought that alcohol problem back. This time it returned to finish the job it had started. For almost 3 months my life existed of work during the day and drinking at nights and throughout the weekends.  This though, because I felt safer, was done in my apartment and done alone. Only when I was working overnight and out-of-town did I spend my time with other people while I drank.

I thought I had control of the situation but quickly found out I was completely wrong.  My drinking progressed to a point where I started missing days of work.  My weekends were spent in a total haze.  My rent was paid and my fridge was full of beer and liquor.  I would go days without eating and didn’t really care.  I drank to just fall asleep.  I drank to not have nightmares.  I drank for breakfast and I drank for lunch.  It quickly consumed every minute of every day.  It was affecting my work and looking back, I should have been left go.  Instead they took pity on me and became more like enablers.  This was not good and only let my problems continue and fester. 

Near the end of May, there was a lull in our work.  I spent the better part of a week at home just drinking and waiting for a call to make some money.  During this week my drinking continued and increased along with my loneliness and depression.  God intervened!

On June 4th, 2009, I woke up around 4am from a heavy night of drinking.  Like before, I went to the fridge and grabbed another beer – and then another and so on.  About 9am, I decided to gather up my laundry and make about a 2 mile walk into town to the laundry mat.  Stumbling drunk and headed down the road, 2 men in a truck stopped and asked if I needed a ride. I accepted and hopped in.  The man driving was local business owner and obviously a man of God.  He was not overbearing or pushy about it though.  He had me ”pegged” right away and only offered a prayer and his business card.  He told me to call him or his wife at home if I ever needed to talk.  He said he spent many nights at home and they were there if I needed them.  He also told me to go across the street to a thrift shop while I was doing my laundry.  If there was anything I needed there, I was to mention his name and they would put it on his account.  Something was already working on me when I went into that store.  I grabbed a couple of tank tops and went to the counter.  The people behind the counter, besides my obvious stench of alcohol, sensed something was wrong.  When they also asked if they could pray for me, I felt ashamed.  Not for my problems and sorrows but ashamed over the simple kindness of strangers.  With my head spinning and shame filling me, I cried like a little baby.  As I left, they also gave me a business card and extended the same invitation to call if I needed to talk.

I went back to my laundry and made the long walk home.  I arrived in time for my favorite shows and sat down for another night of drinking.  That night, drunk and depressed, I called that man who offered me the ride and prayed over me. I started asking questions about him and his relationship with the people at the thrift shop.  He explained that the store was used to partially fund the operation of a spirit and faith based rehabilitation center in a town not too far away.  He said that many years ago, he had been a resident there for about 2 years.  He didn’t push this program too much and only answered my questions and provided friendly words of support.

Over the next few days, it was business as usual for me.  Lots of alcohol, a boring and lonely weekend followed by going back to work on Monday.  Over those few days I had called that man a couple of times.  I just couldn’t comprehend why a kind man and his wife would waste their time on a piece of garbage like me.

After a long day of work that Monday, I settled into my apartment with my TV and my beer and liquor.  My depression grew and the alcohol was having it’s normal effect.  I decided to call this man one last time.  When he answered, I told him that maybe it was time I took a look at this rehab center and try for some changes for the better.  He asked me a bunch of questions and told me he’d pick me up early in the morning.  After I got off the phone, I went back to my drinking. 

As the night progressed, I got angry and frustrated with myself.  Everything boiled up inside of me and started to overflow!  I was angry I wasn’t strong enough to take care of the problem myself.  Everything I had accomplished and accumulated in my life was gone, lost or destroyed.  My life, my wife, my kids, my home, my cars, my possessions.  It was ALL destroyed and gone!  My own stupidity!  My own selfishness!  My own pride! It had all caused this!  I couldn’t even recall the last good decision I had made.  The pain I had caused others became unbearable.  I found myself asking why?  It wasn’t that long ago that I had everything I had wanted in life?  A beautiful loving wife.  Caring and compassionate children.  A nice home in a quiet neighborhood.  There was the thrill and excitement of watching my new wife and daughter growing together right in front of my eyes.  I alone destroyed it all!  The memories just came flooding back.

Then the deeper thoughts started to set in.  I couldn’t let myself do this to anyone again.  Who was I to destroy others lives?  Who else was I going to hurt that had found it in themselves to love me.  As I sat and continued to drink, my mind wandered.  I thought of all the terrible injustices and tragedies in the world.  The anguish and the depression overwhelmed me.  I started asking myself, why should I take a perfectly good spot in this rehab center when there are plenty of other people, much better and more important to others than I?  Others that could make a more positive use of it than me!  Who am I to destroy more peoples lives, even ones that I don’t know, by denying them the help they need just because I exist?  What’s left in my life for me anyhow?  Even if the program was successful, what then?  Everything I cared about and loved was destroyed! 

As I laid there in self-pity and sorrow, I asked myself, “Why bother?” My life had no meaning to me or anyone else I could think of.  It was here, at this time, when I decided that my life was a lie and was no longer worth the effort.  It was time for me to end my own pitiful existence and stop being a burden and worry for all who knew me.

Somewhere in this attempt on my own life, my body and soul just wouldn’t let it happen.  Looking back, it still amazes me how I survived that night on June 9th, 2009.  I was in complete shock when I woke up the next morning!  I knew that I should not still be alive but there I was dirty, battered, bruised and in terrible condition but nonetheless still alive.  The details of that night were gruesome and ugly and my body will forever remind me of that fateful night.  My head was terribly fuzzy and my recollection matched it.  Then came that knock on my door.

That same man that was so kind to me the past few days was standing there at my door asking me if I was ready.  The expression on his face told me that he knew I had to go.  I packed two bags of clothes some personal hygiene products and my reading and writing materials.  Last, I grabbed my Bible.  It had been given to me the previous November and up to this point had received little use.  Little did I know that it would serve such a large part in any recovery my body and soul would undergo.  All my other possessions I left behind.  A note was left for the landlady stating I was going to be hospitalized for a while.  Even though my rent was paid, the few items remaining could be sold or donated.  Maybe some of the less fortunate people in my complex could make use of them.

I hopped in his truck and traveled a while into the countryside soon arriving at the Rehab Center.  That morning, June 10th, 2009, my life was about to change.  The first day or two at the center were a blur.  There is not much I can recall except learning the routines and the many, many, many rules I had to abide by.

The routine was simple.  Up at 6am for breakfast then a Devotion Service in the Sanctuary at 7am.  After that there was chores and jobs assigned on the property until 11am when in was time for a 1 hour class or short service again in the Sanctuary.  Lunch was at noon and then it was back to our assigned duties until 3:30 when we had another 1 hour class or short service.  at 4:30 it was considered personal time until dinner came around at 6.  Church service was again at 7pm and after we could congregate until 9pm when we had to be back in our rooms.  Each day was pretty much the same with minor variations occurring on occasion. 

The property had no fences or gates and nothing that kept a person from staying if they felt so inclined.  The rule was that if you ever did leave the property, you were not welcome back.  The rules were strict but fair and most I had no problem following.  (I emphasize most because I was and always will be somewhat of a free spirit!)

I managed and muddled through but within the first two weeks I had realized that I did not believe in God!  That thought or belief had always been in my head but never before was it so blatant and pronounced.  Everything that was talked about, preached, taught or sermonized was gibberish to me.  I started to struggle and get upset at things I could not understand.  I went to one of the pastors and confessed these thoughts and feelings hoping someone would understand my dilemma.  At this point she sat me down and started to tell me all about myself.  My past, my problems and my pain.  These things I had never spoken of nor put on any form or application.  She was dead on!  She seemed to already know more about me than I did!

I spent the next couple days in shock over how accurate and correct she had been.  She knew I was in a fragile state of mind and offered only encouragement and preached patience.  It had a very calming effect and for the first time in my life, I opened that Bible of mine and just started to read.  I’ve always been an avid reader and I never realized that “The Good Book” was a good book!  When I opened it I found the one I owned wasn’t the same ordinary Bible with the all the traditional pronouns such as “thou,” “thee,” “thine,” and all that stuff that made the reading difficult and unpleasant.  That Bible given to me the previous November was a NIV (New International Version) Life Application Study Bible.  It was translated into Modern English that was easily understood.  I never realized this Book was filled with such interesting and colorful stories and characters.  My new “find” broke all this historical information down for me, complete with footnotes that expounded on difficult verses, profiles of key people and places in History.  These people and the time started to come alive to me.  I could almost picture it in my head! 

There was still a problem.  I still didn’t believe.  I still did not have faith.  With the exception of the Book, I had nothing  to reach out and grab hold of.  That damned personality of mine did not give me the ability to not ask why and just have faith. Why? How? Why? How? Why?  It’s all I could get myself to think.  I started reading everything I could get my hands on.  Anything that would “flip this switch” in my brain and let me just trust and believe.  However, the more I read and the more I paid attention, the more I understood.  I watched, listened and learned.  I asked lots of questions (although this annoyed some).  I read a book titled More Than a Carpenter by Josh McDowell.  It gave me a lot of insight on questions that were always answered with “just let it go and have faith”.  As I got my hands on more of these books I was able to concentrate even more on my Bible and what I was reading.  It was finally starting to flow for me.  Things were making sense.  Except……

I still felt pain in my heart.  My sadness was overwhelming.  I was still miserable.

About this time, a man named Pastor David Roberson came to visit our ministry.  His ministry is called the Family Prayer Center in Tulsa, OK and by this time I had heard a little about him.  I don’t know what I expected but what I saw was one of the most peaceful men I’d ever encountered.  His soft spoken nature and confidence fell over me like a warm blanket.  I tried to soak up everything he said.  He was only there for a week and that passed by too quickly.  I was still in a “Christian Infancy” and wished I could have retained more.  I still carry his book around with me everywhere I go.  It’s titled “The Walk Of The Spirit: The Walk Of Power“.  I’ve now read it a couple times and I always put it down gaining a little more inside me.  After listening to him preach that week, I felt like I was on the right path but still had a long way to go.

After Pastor Roberson left, I kept to The Word, continued to study and searched for answers.  At this time we were treated to an extended stay by Pastor Shurby Long from NorthCarolina.  He is a very powerful and energetic man.  You can feel the Holy Spirit flow from him as he entered a room.  He was there for me and gave me encouragement when I started a weekly routine of fasting.  He was also a pillar of strength for me in a time of need.  After spending time with him, I came to realize that the alcohol problem I had was the easy part of my life to conquer.  The issue at hand was forgiveness not only of others but forgiveness of myself.  Forgiveness of all the terrible things I’d done and the horrendous choices I’ve made.

At the end of a particularly tough 3 day fast, I found myself inside the sanctuary praying and worshiping.  I was alone and thought I was having a breakdown.  In my tears I discovered that I knew of Jesus Christ but I had no relationship with Him.  I needed to release my pain and suffering to Him and accept His forgiveness. I must accept what I’ve done and live through Him so these things would happen no more.  I realized that we live by faith, not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7)  I HAVE FAITH IN YOU LORD!  I BELIEVE IN YOU LORD!  Surely Lord you are my salvation; I will trust and NOT be afraid! (Isaiah 12:2) 

I took off running out of the sanctuary and when I rounded the first corner, there sat Pastor Shurby.  He looked at me and said “Let’s go”.  He took me back inside the sanctuary and prayed with me and over me.  This day was the first of a new time!  I was saved by my Lord, Jesus Christ!  Just like everyone else in my life, I had taken Him for granted but no more!  My life was changing.  I found new understanding and purpose.  As we prayed, I found a new peace that had never been there before.  I gained understanding that my suffering was for a purpose.  The memories of the past will be there forever but I need to draw from them wisdom and strength.  I need to learn to live as part of this world without getting trapped in it.  Greater is he who is in Me, than he who is in the World. (1 John 4:4)

It wasn’t too long before I was reminded that my trials and tribulations were far from over.  More work was to be done but a carried a new confidence that told we I was no longer alone to face my problems and tough decisions.  If I abide by His Word and trust in Him for guidance, he will eventually deliver me through the difficulties.

About 2 months had gone by at The Center and I was feeling great mentally, physically and especially spiritually.  My first test though, was an ugly one!  It involved people who let anger, jealousy and hatred run amok in their lives.  I admit that I failed miserably!  I let these individuals get in between me and God.  I let them yank me away from the path I was following and knew I should be on.  I started to ask myself why God would let these so-called Christians treat people this way.  I didn’t understand why an “infant” like myself would be subjected to this.  I then started to question how I had gotten to this point.  What difference would it make if I didn’t read my Bible so much?  Who would care if I stopped fasting each week?  What would it matter if I didn’t praise and pray to God every day?

What an idiot I turned out to be!  I had asked Him: Test me, O Lord, and try me, examine my heart and mind. (Psalm 26:2) I had actually asked this of Him and he called me out on it!  WOW… did I fail this test!  All I had to do was “stick to my guns”!  I needed to continue with all I had learned and been taught and just pray for these people.  They needed some of the same revelations I had received.  They didn’t understand that you need to do more than “talk a good game” while in the church but actually carry this lifestyle with you when you leave. (HECK! I was still learning this one myself!)  There are just too many Christians we see praising God till noon on Sunday only to leave and “kick a puppy” by 12:15!    I’m exaggerating, of course, but I’m trying to get a point across.  It’s on old expression to “practice what you preach” and I know I’ll be reminding myself to do this for a long time to come.

Since I didn’t’ handle this test very well, it really set me back.  Pastor Shurby had left the property on his “latest mission” and my closest confidants had fulfilled their commitments and moved on to the “real world”.  I fell into a deep depression and felt alone again.  If I would have opened my heart, I would have realized that the Lord was there with me all along.  I would have understood what He was trying to teach me.  Was that lesson about pride? Humility? Dealing with rejection? Maybe just learning more trust and patience?  Later on I found out it was all of the above.

I had less that 30 days left to fulfill my commitment to The Center and now I was contemplating leaving.  In my frustration, I packed my things and was running away again.  I had no money and no where to go, but I was determined not to stay there.  It was then that something came to me.  I needed to ride this out a bit longer.  It was time I made a phone call to someone I had not talked to in a LONG while.  Since we were only allowed calls on Sunday, it would have to wait a couple days.

Sunday finally came and I was a bit excited.  There was some anxiety mixed in but I had prepared myself.  After almost a year, it was time to talk again with my mother.  It had been a tumultuous relationship at best so I was a little nervous.  Since the people at The Center had never known me to send or receive mail or phone call, they were a little surprised when I asked.  They asked a few questions but this was irrelevant.  I was determined to make this call.  This was between her, me and God.  Unfortunately, I got her voice mail but I left a message.  At least now she new I was alive and loved her.

When the staff found out I hadn’t reached her, I was offered to make another attempt on Monday.  I know this was an act of God, softening some hearts, for the rules to bent a little for me.  It kinda let me know that I was still on the path that God wanted.  This phone call was important for some reason, but not in the way I had hoped or expected.

I made my 5 minute call the next day and gave my mother the short version of this story.  I let her know that I would be leaving the program on September 9th and was thinking of returning to PA.  She didn’t say much either positive or negative and over the next few days my questions started to surface.  Does my family want me anywhere around?  Am I once again, on my own?  Should I even pursue this and ever call again?

The immediate Saturday, it dawned on me that my learning and worship was becoming stagnant.  I just went from day to day without a clue and those days were turning into weeks.  (Kinda like the old alcohol driven days)  These things that I had let come between me and God were winning.  I had to go “back to basics”.  I need to start again.  I had to stand firm.  NO ONE and NOTHING is going to come between me and God!  None of this nonsense is worth losing my soul over!

With renewed force in my praise and worship.  With new Energy in my reading and studying.  I was getting back to the joy and peace I had discovered existed.  When the next Sunday arrived and I call my mother, the conversation wasn’t much different.  I decided to just pray about it and leave it in God’s hands.

The next day I decided it was time to renew my weekly fast.  It had done so much for me before and my body and soul needed it.  During my fast I read my Bible and prayed alot.  Lots of studying and reading was a blessing.  My comitment to The Center was just two weeks away.  The question before me was, head for PA?  Look up friends in Longview TX?  Maybe commit another 90 days at the center?

Although The Center was a good and safe place, I felt there wasn’t anything left there for me.  I didn’t feel I could grow to what I aspired.  The propoerty was too private and the group too self-contained.  There didn’t seem to be any way to reach out and help people who needed it.  you had to wait for them to come to you.  This left two possible solutions.  My answer was more prayer.

Besides my “itching’ to leave, the week was uneventful.  When Sunday came, I made that call again.  As I talked with my mother, I slowly came to find that she hadn’t said a word to anyone about my pending return.  She had not even talked to my father about staying there while I looked for work and a new place to worship.  She reasoned that she didn’t know how everyone would react.  Herself, my brothers, you and your brother were still hurt over what I had done.  Even though it was understandable, it still hurt me a bit.  I already knew that this “tree must bear fruit” (Luke 6:43-45) before it could be trusted again.

I kind of expected this and took it as a way of the Lord telling me what to do.  At this point, I felt it was time for me to leave The center.  I still had 10 days left to fulfill my commitment and was about to break it.  I know this was wrong but I was starting to feel that I was in the way of others.  Where I was spiritually and mentally were only a distraction to the other residents.

On Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009, I walked off the property and back out into the world.  I made it back to where I had been just 3 months berfore, only this time I was not alone.  This time I knew I’d never be alone again.

With the kind help of people I had known before, I returned for a service that night to the church and congregation that had given me my Bible the previous Novemeber.  I was able to proclaim that my Lord, Jesus Christ, had delivered and saved me from the alcohol that was ruling my life!  I was also given the opporunity by a few people to give them an abbreviated version of this testimony.  That night the message from Pastor Jason was The Parable of the Lost Son. (Luke 15:11-32)  I felt like the Pastor was only speaking to me.  With the love of others, the wisdom of the words and the power of God, I knew I had made the right decision.

It dawned on me that night that a spoken word can give hope.  When a life is in turmoil, a gentle push in the right direction can lead to salvation and ultimately eternal glory.  If only one person I speak with in my lifetime can find what I have found.  If just hearing the story of what I went through can bring them out of the darkness and into our saviors eternal light.  I could consider my life a success.

Now as I go from place to place or from one church to another, I won’t hesitate to tell what happened to me if I’m called upon.  If anyone needs that gentle push, I’ll give them all the knowledge I have.  Just letting them know that the choice is theirs… The door to Jesus is always open, they can just step through.

I was there and and that’s what I did when God sent that kind man on a day when I though my laundry was the only thing that was dirty.

I want to thank God for delivering me from pornography, masturbation, and sex addiction. Since I was 14 I’ve been battling with masturbation and pornography, and this grew into an uncontrollable addiction to sexual sins. Many times I had tried to over come this iniquity and prayed countless times but nothing happened I kept going back to these sins, so much that I slept with prostitutes a couple of times. I began to believe that I was possessed and in bondage of these sexual sin. I began realizing that I was only praying for deliverance but was not consistently trying to stay away from it and remove things that stimulate these sins. Now I’ve started making plans to stay away from these sins, and to fill my life with more of God and less of me, and I am believing in God by faith that I am free from these sins, and my destiny has been restored. I’m also praying to God to restore my virginity, so that I may be wholly pure for him, to enable him use me more in his service. I ask that you my christian brothers and sisters pray for me as God works in me and through me. God bless you, Amen.

It was last Summer, and my spouse told me that our daughter had called us about a sickness in the family. The relative that I will call Susan, was in the hospital and was very much in need of prayer. My spouse told me that the exact problem was not mentioned, but prayer was much needed.

I didn’t know how to pray for a mystery illness but I made a general prayer and thought no more about it, until I awoke in the very middle of the night. When I awoke, everything was still and quiet, and there was a message playing in my head. Susan was very ill, and had tried to kill herself, and I was to get three people to pray for her physical, mental and spiritual healing. I was to ask my daughter to confirm it was a suicide attempt and then ask those three to start praying.  I was sure this was a real message, and when I went back to sleep, I dreamed of a man talking to me and he told me that Susan really had tried to kill herself.

The next morning, first thing,  I told my spouse what had happened and asked her to call our daughter for a confirmation. She told me that she doubted from the way she talked that it had been a suicide attempt, but then she said that it must have been something serious like that and so she called. Our daughter would not confirm or deny what I had said, but asked again for prayer, and we took this as a confirmation and three of us in the family began praying.  In time we learned that Susan had taken pills to kill herself, but a neighbor had come over in the middle of the night and had found her and called for an ambulance. She rightly thanks God for her life, and her salvation.

My daughter was amazed at what happened, and Susan has not tried to kill herself again, but is a person of major faith in Jesus Christ. Thanks to all who read this!

I have always believed in demons existing and have seen them off an on through out my life but they have never attacked me.  But what I’m about to tell you challenged my faith and my sanity. I was in a point of my life where a lot of my friends were turning to drugs and no they were not that way when I met them. I had gotten involved with them too sadly, but gotten out of them by help from an angel, but that’s another story. The point I was trying to make was I was not in a very good crowd of people and was trying to get them out of my life because they were bad influences on me. I had recently broken up with my boyfriend who wouldn’t stop drinking and doing drugs.  He as well suffered from schizophrenia and was scaring me more and more with what he was seeing.  I had still remained friends with him at this point but kept him at arms length. I had recently moved back to my parent’s house and was apprehensive about moving back there because I knew there were something bad there, at the time I called entities or spirits. 

No one in my family ever listened to me even though I had been seeing them since I was a child.  I even went as far to gain the courage to tell my mother how scared I was to move back home.  She has never see anything be it angel or demon and really never believed me. The first night I moved back I was woken up by a scary looking demonic face grinning at me from the foot of my bed. I screamed and turned on the lights and it left I prayed that night for it not to return. I kept the lights on for weeks after that.

I tried telling my mom again and she wrote it off as either a dream or hallucination or something. I was still scared out of my mind and wasn’t sleeping well. I would hear odd sounds like scratching in the walls but this was no rat, creepy demonic laughter and other odd sounds, as well as glinting dark shadows. I kept trying to tell my family about what as going on with little to no response. I begin praying for my safety because frankly I was down right scared. No one seemed to really believe me except one of my friends. We’d talk late into the evening on the phone about what was going on in my house.  He suggested that these sprits might actually be demons. This went on for about 3 months off and on .

I had been praying every night at this point even tried to put blesses olive oil on the doors. I tried blessing my house in the name of Jesus, but these things wouldn’t go away.  It was really starting to discourage me at that point because prior to this my praying had always worked. My friend had come over to my house because we were going to go see the musical Phantom together, when he got into my room he even said “Something doesn’t feel right in here.” I said “See no one believes me.”

We went to the musical and got back to my house kind of late. We were talking about the musical and how much fun we had and he was showing me some videos on line with clips from other musicals when I started to feel weird. Now when I say weird it’s hard to explain so I’ll try my best. I was week, somewhat disoriented and kind of sick to my stomach. I remember having to go to the bathroom and he was worried about me cause I guess I wasn’t looking so well. As well as he wondered if whatever evil presence was in the house was causing my strange symptoms. I remember going to the bathroom feeling even weirder flushing the toilet walking out in the living room and feeling really dizzy and odd. My friend asked me what was wrong and I said I really didn’t know. He asked me to explain what I was feeling and then I felt like I was passing out. The next part of this is the scariest event in my whole life. This is all true and I seriously still don’t know what to make of it.  I remembering feeling weird and starting to pass out and my hearing going. I remember I felt like my breath was being taken away and my heart felt like it was being crushed. I was so confused it didn’t hit me to what was happening till I came too while being lifted  3 feet off the ground. I saw my frantic friend yelling and trying to grab at me. I suddenly realized I was being demonically attacked. My friend had managed to get me down and put my on the couch. I remember not being able to move or speak and I was trying to scream out for help. I remember spiritually trying to protect my self and crying out to God for help. All I could see was my friend above me, I couldn’t hear what he was saying but I remember he was holding me down as my body was thrashing, but I couldn’t physically move. I was so scared and I felt like I was dieing.

I remember I suddenly could hear him reciting the lord’s prayer and praying. He had his hand over my heart and was praying over me. I could see the fear in his eyes and that’s when I knew this was very serious. I began praying with him and reciting the lord prayer. The minute we said Amen together the demons let go of me and left. I sat strait up and screaming what happen what happen. He told me that he thought I had been attached he actually said he thought I was dead, as I wasn’t breathing. I have never been so scared in my life.

We left my house that night and didn’t say anything to my parents. As they never believed me any way. As I was driving to go get something to eat because I was very week and hungry. My friend noticed scratch marks on my arms. He pulled my shirt to the side and there were burses on my arms as well as my chest. I was so scared because now there was physical proof as well this had actually happen. My whole body couldn’t stop shaking from the fear. And I still to this day have arm spasms. On my right side as that’s the side they attacked the worst.

I told my parents what happen the next day, but they still didn’t believe me. It wasn’t until my friend was there by my side and I showed them the marks that they begin to realize I was telling the truth.  I was so disturbed by the whole ordeal I dropped out of school because I couldn’t focus on anything. I didn’t understand why this happened to me and I was scared out of my mind it would happen again. I grew up in a family where these things just don’t happen to Christian.

I was always told demons can’t attack a Christian and now I was having to question my upbringing and my faith be cause that was clearly wrong. I had always had strong faith and I read the bible quite frequently.  There was nothing I was scared of until this happen. I got little to no comfort from my parents. I was so scared I took to sleeping on the couch away form the bathroom and the bedroom. Which were to too rooms causing with the most demonic activity.

I was so scared I begged my family to get a priest out there and bless the house because my consistent praying wasn’t enough. My parents eventually took me to a pastor to try and get some help. I told him everything and still no answers. Even he was stumped as to why this happened to me and couldn’t even offer any advice on what to do. He seemed to think I caused it at one point and I assured him I did not. He asked if I was in evolved in witchcraft and I said heaves no. I still to this day don’t know why this happen to me. I’m scared it will happen again and I often have trouble sleeping at night. I always wear a cross around my neck and pray for protection. But even when banishing the demons in the name of Jesus doesn’t what do you do? I have more questions then answers and more fear then ever. I have asked God why this happened to me with no response.

My faith then was wavering badly because of this incident. These days I try not to think about it but there is always an underlining fear of what happen. I’m not telling this to scare any one They did leave when we recited the lord prayer, but I’m still scared at why I was attacked in the first place, but I’m grateful it happen when my friend was there I think I might have died if he hadn’t been there to help me. I have since moved away from my parents house and put my self back in school, but I’m still very scared and confused.

Hi everyone, I am an arab and got saved in 1998 when I was 12.I got saved miraculously right after seeing my dead muslim father accusing me of refusing to keep the 3 promises…….anyways,thats for another time.I want to tell everyone about my experience with a guardian demon…yes!…a real demon

When I was 17 which was in 2003,I started practising PSI (Psychic Studies Institutions),it was really cool,moving objects,astral projection (out of body experience),empathy,telepathy,telekinesis etc.I had most empathy,telepathy,telekinesis and a little bit of astral projection (had started doing it for a week before the being convicted by the Holy Spirit!).Now,incase you dont understand astral projection,you get to separate your spirit from your body (thats what they tell you) but the truth is…..a demon is the one that does that for you.If you want to move an object,they tell you to concentrate either using your 3rd eye or aura…..lol

Anyways,I moved to a different school and continued my training untill I met a christian (I was still a christian by then but very weak spiritually).Anyways,the christian had with him a bible,the word Bible was covered,so I went to touch it!….i felt like someone hit me with a club,that effect was followed by a headache,I decided to get out,once I got out,I felt better.That shocked me,I thought he was a powerful psychic,so for the next week I started sending energy balls (PSI Balls) at him,what happened…………NOTHING!!!

One morning,as I was heading towards my art class,the christian was walking towards me singing “Oh the blood of Jesus”,again with the club and the headache!..I finally decided to talk to him and what he revealed to me scared the crap out of me,if I had negative effect towards the bible,that meant I was possessed.So I was introduced to his Pastor,nothing dramatic happened like the way demon possessed people react.

Anyways,the Pastor warned me about going back and said I was lucky since I still had the Holy Spirit in me,otherwise I would have been possessed.So he prayed for me and ofcourse I confessed my sins and asked Jesus to come into my heart as a refesher (better be safe than sorry!)He told me that if I get attacked,I have to keep saying “I’m covered by the blood of jesus!”. Well,at 3 am the next morning, I woke up spiritually (like the way I used to during the astral projection)…anyways,when I woke up spiritually or in the spiritual realm,I saw a figure lying on the bed and staring at me,I thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me…..untill it smiled,it was so black that you could see it in the dark.It was like a dark figured man in a pure black robe,you can only see its eyes and lips. What the Pastor said I do was impossible,I mean my mouth was sealed shut,my body heavy and couldnt do anything,just like a bag of potato. The weird thing is that,a part of me was praying but without words,like a feeling of prayer,tears started to fall. I tell you guys, that demon just lied there untill finally,it started laughing (not loud or like in the horror movies),like a hehehehehe…and it didnt disappear like poof!,it was more like the ghost movies,swooped out through the window.

Now,since I wasnt possessed,I was opressed,Lucifer sends his demons to opress christians since it impossible to posess them.They are called Guardian Demons,their main work is to make your life a living hell,one more thing,remember what the bible said about your tongue (can bless or curse and even create).I say this because ONCE you curse,the demon runs to Lucifer with the report and Lucifer goes before God to accuse you asking God for permission to MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE.One thing I cant understand is,if 100 christians curse,how does Lucifer go to God with all the complaints since he can only be in one place at a time.Anyways,thats it guys!

God bless!

I will like to share this testimony to the Glory of God. i lost my father when i was about 4 years old. and sadly enough we were so poor that one my sisters was broughtup by mother’s elder sister while the remaining six of us returned with a truely heart broken mother to the dirtiest ppart of Nigeria at that time. harmed with no formal education she worked so hard to make ends meet. for the most my memory would carry me, i knew she had one clothe thenshe would wash it at night time, dry and wear againn the next morning and some times if she is not lucky she wears them wet the next morning. but mama was the best mother one would ask for. she brought us up in the ways of the Lord,most times we slept on the floor with no food but we were honorable and contented. i remember going to school was not fun because we couldn’t afford transport to school,trekking to and fro the school which is nothing less than 30km from my house, we get flogged for not being able to pay extra moral classes, provisions of little things requested by the school from time to time. i remember one time in primary 4 my mother had to weep to school to beg the teacher to exempt me as she can’t afford to pay.for all we lacked materially God compensated us with intelligence. mama was indeed married to all the sufficient God. she used to sing in our dialect that God will train all her Children. our home was leaking through the roof, floor whenever it rains.

Gradually God restored our hope, we completed school and got her a house off the slump, bought her,a duplex of six beedrooms in a decent area. my eldest sister is married now with 2 children. the eldest son is married and doing great. two of my sister are waiting God’s will in marriage. myself am married with a beautiful daughter. my elder brother is in finland working and happily married, with a son and a baby girl on the way while our last born is studying in Cyprus.

Indeed, ours is a testimony of God’s divine protection, providence and above all love. who would have thought we would survive let alone being something or somebody. indeed God be praised.