Testimony Share

Disclaimer: I want to make it VERY clear that I have never touched a child or viewed child pornography

From around the age of 12, I realized that I was attracted to other males.  However, what I also realized is that I was attracted to young boys.  At first I didn’t even realize that it was a sexual attraction, I thought that the weird feeling I felt toward young boys was normal.  This allowed Satan to firmly plant in me the addiction to this unholy lust.  At first it seemed innocent enough, I thought about being with young boys and holding them, nothing explicitly sexual.  The devil tricked me, while I still a child myself he tricked me into thinking that this behavior was normal, I thought that I just had a unique love for children.  By the time I was 13 I began to indulge these fantasies through masturbation, and that is what really enforced this addiction.  Around the time that I started masturbating to these thoughts was around when I came to my senses and realized that this was by no means normal or innocent, but by then it was too late.   Satan had already rooted in me deeply the evil spirit of sexual attraction to children.

By the time I was 15, I was filled with so much self-loathing because of this evil spirit living inside me  that I entered into a deep depression.  I often prayed to God to deliver me from this evil spirit that was controlling me, that seemed to be choking my very soul, but I never received deliverance, so I figured that either God was not real, or that he did not care about me.

I went far away from God, at 18 I began living a life filled with drugs and alcohol.  I came out as a homosexual and began to try to distract myself from my attraction to boys by having sex with guys my own age.  At first it seemed to work, but eventually I always fell back to the evil spirit dwelling inside me by indulging myself with fantasies of boys.  I was a slave to it.

I knew deep down that I never ever wanted to hurt a child, and that I never would, but the very fact that I was aroused by something that I found disgusting at the same time utterly destroyed my soul.  I completely hated myself.  I thought about killing myself in hopes of doing the world a favor.  I spent hours in my dorm room just laying in bed, thinking, contemplating life, thinking of ways to rid myself of this unholy addiction.  Marijuana worked for a little while, alcohol worked a little bit, and having sex with guys my own age worked for a little bit, but in the end, the spirit always overtook me and I would once again give into it and indulge it in fantasy.

One night, after laying in bed for hours, unable to go to sleep, I felt as if I really wanted to die.  I saw no point to my existence, no matter what I did, no matter where I went, I would always have this evil living inside of me.  I thought that I was just stuck with this, that this was the hand that I was dealt.  At this time, I was about ready to fold, that is, kill myself.  I cried out to God one last time and said “If you are real, save me!”  I felt a sense of peace, and then I had this thought “Cry out to Jesus.”  So I did, and instantly my spirit was renewed.  God’s presence filled the room and I wept at how dirty a sinner I was, even if nobody but me and God knew.  I wept and wept, but tears of guilt turned into tears of joy because of God’s great love for a sinner like me!  I woke up a new man because I had received the holy spirit, however my story isn’t over yet.

Although I was born again, I still had sin living in me, sin that God needed to cleanse me of.  My lust  became more focused towards an attraction to men, but still there was this attraction to children living inside of men.  I went for weeks asking God to just rid me of it, to just make me clean and holy before him so that I could do his will, but still I had this thing living inside me.

At my church, I heard something that Jesus said, “If the son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”  I thought to myself, I am not free, how can Jesus say this?  Then I realized that God had already set me free, and it was my lack of faith that was keeping me from being delivered from this evil spirit.  I prayed every night and fought every single temptation to fantasize about children with in the name of Jesus Christ.  If I felt like I was about to be overwhelmed, I would cry out Jesus name and demand that in Jesus name the spirit would leave me alone.  I did pretty well for a couple weeks and really noticed that there was a change beginning in me.  However, one night I gave into to my lust and indulged in a fantasy.

Afterwards, I felt utterly defeated.  I Prayed on my knees to God that he would wound this evil spirit, that it was too powerful for me to battle.  I went to bed feeling hopeless and defeated.  That night, I had a dream involving children sexually.  I woke up in a panic and began to think “what a disgusting dream I had, God why would you allow me to have such a dream!”  Then suddenly, I rejoiced!  Something had just happened that had never happened before.  After having the dream, instead of fantasizing and lusting after it, I was utterly disgusted by it! From that moment, I was completely set free from my evil spirit!  You must EXPECT God to free you from your sin, you must expect it because he promises us that he will!  From that moment on Satan has tried to tempt me in every way but God has strengthened me so much, I am now completely free of that spirit!  When it tries to attack me, I see it coming from a mile away and I smash it with the sword of the spirit.  The bibles says Submit yourselves to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you!  If you defeat Satan in battle once, he will attack again, and again, and again, he is seemingly relentless.  But eventually, he gives up, because he knows that he cannot win against God.

The path to deliverance is through God but we have to do our part as well!  We have to have faith that God is working for the good of those that love him! And by faith I mean in our actions AND our thoughts!  By not indulging those evil lusts even for a second and by continually praying!  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!  If we are faithful in not giving in to our lust, God will deliver us completely!  Thank God for his awesome power to save a sinner like me!  Don’t for a second believe that you cannot overcome whatever sin or evil you are living with!  God is powerful!  In Jesus’ name we can cast out demons and evil spirits, do not forget that!

If you are struggling with pedophilia, homosexuality, or any other lust remember this!  You HAVE to do your part.  If you are struggling with homosexual thoughts and you ask God to make you not homosexual, you have to make a conscious effort to not indulge in the pleasures of the flesh.  This means not letting lust in, even for a second, and especially no masturbating!  Lust is reinforced so strongly through this act!   Also, God will not replace one lust for another!  If you ask God to deliver you from lust of the same sex or of children or whatever, do not think for a minute that God will send you off to lust after the opposite sex!  All lust is sin!  Marriage is about love, and sex is a wonderful way to express that love!

Thank you Lord for saving a sinner like me!  Allow this testimony to reach the heart of at least one person!

Hi thanks for reading hope you get blessed by it.

my name is Joseph. It was sometime in June 2011. it was on a Friday early morning around five or six am while we were all sleeping my wife next to me had awaken me saying theres someone pounding on the door so I got up and went to see who it was they who were pounding and yelling for me to open the door and when I looked and saw that it was the feds. So I opened the door they rushed in and through me to the floor with guns to my head.

My heart fell to my feet I was scared but not knowing what I had done or what was going on my children who were only the ages of 7, 8 and 9 were sleeping in the front room that night had awaken from all the noise but in fear they faked that they were still sleeping they were terrified. So I asked them what is going on what have I done why are you here they said to me what name are you going to give us. I said what. They said we are taking you to court I said can I get dressed please I have no clothes on all I had was a pair of boxers on, so they let my wife put my clothes on but they would not take the cuffs off me so I can put my hands through my shirt next thing I told my wife don’t worry I’ll be ok call your mom and dad tell them what’s happened and tell them to pick you guys up and go there to them and stay there she was crying really bad. So they took me to court there in the cell while I was waiting to see the judge I saw my cousin and his wife who also got arrested that morning they did the same thing to them then a few minutes later there were more people who came that I know I said what is going on here why are we here, they said we did some fraud things long ago in the past and now we are here but why are you here they asked I said I don’t know so we all just sat tight and waited to see some public defenders before the judge called us in and so it was my turn to see a public defender and he told me why I was there he said don’t worry too much you got caught in the mix somehow with these guys they are much worse than you I said what I done then, he said you have a false identification and you did a ssn miss use I said is that  they treated me like I killed someone than he asked me how did I get the fake aliase name I told him the truth my mom passed away and way before she did, she got me that name because she had a bad boyfriend when I was just a baby and she told me when when I was 16 keep this name if anything happens if he ever finds us I had never met the guy maybe I did but I was just a baby that time. So I was basically using both names but had never committed any crimes on any of them both my real name or my aliase name, but just got some auto loans to get a car on the aliase name with a ssn that I had made up.

So than he told me ok thanks for telling me that I’ll do my best for you. We were all in chains and shackled. So I went back in to the call were my cousin and friends were , I told them what happened,  they says to me don’t worry you’ll get out of here you are not that big of a thing it’s a misdemeanor.  I was still afraid not knowing what the judge was gonna do. So about three hours latter it was time see the judge so some of the feds there said to me hope for the yellow paper, what is that I asked, they said it’s a prerelease bond I said to myself I pray that il get one. So now I’m in court I don’t really remember to much what had happened I try not to remember but all I can rember was I was not approved for the bond release I had to go to the federal prison correction facility there I stood there for five days before the judge can see me again they said because I got arrested on a Friday they can’t do anything un till Monday so I had to go to federal prison I’m not gonnna even say what it was like in there but only that the minutes was like hours and the hours were like days so I haven’t talked to my wife for three days now I finaly got the chance to call her I burst out in tears crying dident know if I was ever going to get out of there they all told me don’t worry were all here praying for you and were trying to get you a lawyer I said I love you tell the kids I love them and them to pray for me because god listens to such. So a few days go by it was time to go to court again I believe it was Wednesday I went to court hoping and praying this time I’ll get the yellow paper the pre release bond. and I did they had released me with an ankle bracelet but could not do it right away for some odd reason saying that it takes a couple of days do it so I had to go back to the prison for another two days and was released on Friday and then they took me to go put the ankle bracelet on with a curfew from 10am to 10 pm I was so happy to be back with my family only I wasn’t in my house we left our home and stayed with my inlaws until all this was over and you know how that could be living with the in-laws. Don’t get me wrong they help me alot but there were also bad times but I was just so happy I prayed and cryed like I never did before

so I stayed with my in-laws for about seven months until it was time to go to trial sentencing now I am worying even more and the public defender told me that the prosecutors recommendation is 10 to 12 months in custody. And the probations was six months in custody and six months in the halfway house and his recommendation was no jail time but probation I said leave me on probation all my life give me house arrest all my life I don’t want to go back there. And then the night before I was going to trial me and my wife was invited to a friend’s house for a prayer meeting for me.

We prayed for about an hour and then went home not worrying anymore just having faith that ill be alright and in the morning on October 18th at nine am I was in court for sentencing I prayed again so that Jesus would go before me in that court room and be my judge and my lawyer, the prosecutor made me look like I was two cents in front of the judge I said to myself tale me now. But then I remembered the prayer meeting we had the other night and I said to myself I will not be afrad

These are just words you can do all things lord I prayed that you well go before me in this court room so I’m gonna have faith and trust in you lord I said. My wife and daughter and brother inlaw were with me in court and they two kept their faith more friends wanted to be there but I did not wanted anybody there thinking negative so I kept my faith and the judge told the prosecutor if I was not for the other people that he got mixed up with would he have been federal? She said no your honor he would have been in a state court and it would have been a misdemeanor I knew right there it was god working,so then the judge turned to me and asks me is that your daughter I said yes he said Paris can you come a little closer so my little girl got up walked up and the judge said to her I am sorry that happened to your dad but I have to tell you that the government make mistakes there not always rite they give alot of money on bringing people to court and they make mistakes so Joseph how long did you stay in prison for four days I says no it was seven I got arrested on a Friday and was released on a Friday than he said to me I am not going to give you any jail time I will give you time served plus three years probation. It was the happiest moment in my life they took the bracelet off my foot and I went home a few months went bye I had no home I was still with the in-laws and needed a home of are won but had no job I wasn’t aloud to make any money under the table and no one will hire me because I have a felony now on my name so things got a little bad after awhile me and my father in-law got in to it I guess we had been there a little too long and needed to go you know how that can be
so we left we stood in a motel for three days and then we had prayed and god answers again he gave us a home that we had saw on craigslist for rent though I still don’t have a job my but somehow god provides all glory be to god the most high who is above all things now we are in need of a car to get around a go to church so I pray and I could use your prayers to thank you. Praise god what he done for me he helped me when I needed him the most . god does do things for us if we just ask him and when we do ask him we must believe that we well receive it and it will be done he said it himself ask anything useing my name and it will be done Jesus is to great and I wouldn’t trade hjm for anything there is nothing that can compare to him so there is my testimony I hope you enjoyed it I know it was long to read and im sorry for that but I jusf had to share it thanks for reading it and god bless you forever and ever …

Jesus delivered me from Depression! I am a wife and mother of three and have worked as a Clinical Nurse in Mental Health for 8 years and as a Drug and Alcohol Clinical Nurse for almost 4. I have had intermittent issues with anxiety and depression all my life as a Christian. I came from a Christian home but did not always stay in the Christian faith due to all the religion I saw and how a lot of what I was taught didn’t add up. I picked up that I was flawed, insufficient and broken and that the God of the Universe condescended himself to die for me but really wasn’t that delighted in me as a person….He was distant and a sort of concept…I tried hard to live up to the law I was taught but this just frustrated me more and more which lead to me giving up and believing that I was irredeemable…this led to a downward slippery slope where I totally morally derailed…I ended up going through a few very traumatic events and lost my fiance in a motor cycle accident…I had an experience with Jesus and dedicated my life to him but was soon confused by what I experienced again in church…this led to a search for deeper answers and truth, journeying through a myriad of churches and studying the bible at bible college….I went into counselling because I cared for others who struggled with anxiety and depression and wondered what the secular world had to say about it…I found some things useful but was even more disappointed with what I found there than in the church…eventually I was led to a Grace church called Field of Dreams in Adelaide South Australia. Here I experienced the love of the father like never before and was exposed to the fact that He is a God of the Supernatural…Faith increased and then the Lord showed me that I was healed , once and for all from depression. He also lead me to write a book about being delivered from depression. At that church I was introduced to John Crowder, Kathie Walters, Jeff Jansen, Winnie and Georgian Banov, Godfrey Birtill and other people who preached the finished work of the cross. I realised that it is ALL God and I don’;t have to strive and try be good enough…it is all Him and he has given me a new identity and I am a new creation in Him.. He has done it and I am healed. I was lead to write the book before I was off my medication, in faith…I wrote my testimony and autobiography of my life…outlining all the things I experienced in churches, the abuses and the good things, the theology that bound me up and the theology that set me free, my struggles and inner thought processes and how Holy Spirit led me into truth. By the time I finished writing the book I was off of all my medication and feeling great!! Since all the revelation broke in, my faith has grown, my relationships changed, my work is ‘light and delightful’ and not so burdensome, I have insights and revelations to give my clients and I am looking forward to a glorious future in Him!! He is so good…I feel more and more intimate with him on a daily basis and have learnt to walk in the spirit day by day. He lead me to dance again and start a dance group and much fruit has been born from this ministry. Praise the Lord!

This is the first time I have written my testimony, I feel called to tonight described how God has changed everything and brought me into a life of freedom and sanity.  Now is the time to declare and share how we have each been rescued from the ‘watery grave’ and the miracle of our new lives. This generation is facing a major attack and we must be on the front line and ready to heal all around us by His Spirit.

At the age of thirteen I met my first believers and while writing a short story about the crucifixion had a life changing experience that left me committed to following God completely. I left my home in england and went to live with a Christian family in America and then a boarding school. It was time of growth and deep faith during my teenage years, I was kept away from all the usual peer pressure and felt I was the path to becoming a true man of faith. But inside I was keeping a secret, I was experiencing strong homosexual feelings, it was like leading a double life inside and somewhere along the way I stopped praying for help and began to quietly give into my desires, I lost the strength and commitment I had felt and began to feel frustrated so returned to Europe and my secular background to explore the homosexual life, I gradually lost contact with my spiritual past and became a ‘contented’ gay man living in London, I was young, attractive, well travelled and a great job, I felt complete..but gradually over the years the excitement dimmed, I fell in love with a Muslim man and spent years hoping, praying and trying to create a secure relationship with him. I wanted nothing else for a long time and when I finally realised it was never going to be possible because of both his beliefs and denial, something in me caved in, I lost all feelings of self respect and confidence. I reasoned why should attempt to be ‘good’ when I was being refused the one desire of my heart.

My best friend at the time was seriously hedonistic  and with him I entered a life of debauchery, hard drug use and casual relationships, at the same time I lost my job and then house because I couldnt pay the bills. I camped at friends houses or found men to stay with, life became this struggle to survive, I refused to ask my family for help and I started to feel at home with this existence, all I really cared about was the next high,the next escape, my reality was so warped.  One morning  this best friend and I were recovering after one of our 30 hour benders and he started to suddenly tell me that he had a wonderful solution for our financial problems, he had in the past he said to my amazement done male escort work and wanted to start again. I was shocked because. like me, he was an educated guy from a ‘nice’ family and I just hadnt imagined it possible. He said he had a contact I should meet and just to try it out. At the time I was so in thrall to him, and to the idea of any easy way to be able to continue this lifestyle that I went along with it. I was asked to come and meet a South african man, very handsome and clean cut,not at all what I expected. We sat in his beautiful apartment and he told me It was only a service to help lonely professional men who wanted someone attractive and fun to take out to dinner and amuse them, nothing serious was expected and I completely set the limits. I agreed to this as long as I felt in charge and he called two days later to go to Paris with another guy. The ‘other guy’ never materialised and I ended up in a hotel with a very famous film director. It was a positive start that quietened the last of my doubts and I agreed to see another client. It is very hard for me to write this and admit that I was capable of performing such a deed, but I was a very lost boy and this offered me a chance to feel adored and accepted and very easy money to finance the  highs to escape my misery. I became friends with a couple of other guys involved and was impressed by their seeming glamour and professionalism. In my deep heart though I knew it wasnt for me, I couldnt follow them down that road and after my third client I decided to break the link with the agency. I stayed close platonic  friends with one of the organisers though, he had a ready supply of drugs and was great company and praised and flattered me. I ended up cleaning the corporate apartments he rented out and one evening walked into a church and bursting into tears realised again the reality of God and His overwhelming love for me. I am afraid I continued using drugs but something in me started to grow, I began to pray and feel maybe I was called for something else.

I also began to realise I was in the snare of this man and his attentions began to grow obsessive, when i finally told him I needed a break and not to contact me for a while, something in him snapped and he began to persecute me in a way I could never have imagined, he would call my phone hundreds of times in one day and send me horrific, abusive messages, emails and even to the new workplace I had just started in . I felt utterly trapped, I was terrified he would exact revenge by telling my family and friends of what i had been involved in in the past, that fear kept me bound to him for a long time, and he knew it. His voice spoke inside me constantly, threatening me. He would call me each night after a bottle of whisky and tell me what a filthy person I was and that I deserved pain and punishment. and I let him do it, learning to use my most soothing voice to pacify him until he would cry and fall asleep.  I finally confessed it all to my close friend, he was horrified and urged me to go to police. I felt I couldnt, I was too scared, this man was ex military and I knew he was capable of even killing me.

One night I finally snapped and I realised I would hurt myself before he did. In my bedroom I began to slice my arm open with razorblades, the blood that poured out was a huge release of my pain and fear, i felt I had found an answer. I took a carving knife and began to saw at my arm, as i began to black out something stopped me, I knew I couldnt go further, I wrapped myself up and took a taxi to the hospital. They assumed I was a drug addict and treated me with no great kindness. My mum came to London and I ended up in a phsyciatric hospital. Being there was the single most terrifying experience of my life, more than anything else I had experienced. The feeling of darkness and evil was so strong in that place and I knew if i was committed I would certainly go insane. I had physical fits and devoloped a tic that jerked my upper body constantly with strange noises from my mouth. I was in a living hell and I felt I had brought it all on myself and punishment was my only due. Something inside me told me I had to save myself now and turn back. By a superhuman force I managed to control all my physical issues long enough to convince the authorities to release me into my mothers care.

This was the beginning of hope. In the next few months, God began to reach down to me, He wiped my tears as they fell and made me feel His love wrapped around me. I re-dededicated my life to Him. I began to attend a prayer meeting and seek His Spirit and healing that ONLY He brings.

That was a year ago. I am now utterly committed to living in the Spirit and by Faith. I have one desire now, to reach out to all those around me who have not discovered the reality of Gods Kingdom here on earth, to influence anyone who is in a similar position that I was that there IS another way, a highway of holiness is there and we are free to begin our walk on it in  complete freedom from shame, fear and uncertainty.

Who shall see God? he who has clean hands and a pure heart….we cant have either of things through our own effort, its only by asking Him to bring us to His Heart.  He can cleanse us of ANYTHING and we can live in hope, from utter darkness into the joy of joys.

Blessings…

When I was a child I was sexually abused. In my dream world demons would chase me to kill me. In one of my dreams my abuser which was my grandfather often turned into the demon. In this particular dream, I was standing outside in the street in my night clothes in the winter. My abuser who walked with a cane walked out of this dense darkness with red eyes. As he got closer to me my abuser turned into a very dark ghost like demon with sharp white teeth and sharp claws. I ran, calling my aunts name. As I got around the corner to her apartment he disappeared.
Now that I am older I realize that there where 6 Big Angels around the corner and one met me at the corner.

I am going to tell you of a very dark event. One which speaks of the power of hate, pride, evil, ambition, darkness and of the power of gods love. I don’t deny the power of hatred because the truth is, hatred is powerful but an even greater power is love. I want to tell you of gods love. It all began when I was a young man, I dreamed that I was anointed by god to preach a message to the ends of the earth. Suddenly, evil men came and the very moment one of them threw a punch at me, I was about to block and fight back but I remembered what Jesus said in Matt. 5:39 about not standing up against an evil person so I let myself be beaten, they covered my eyes and hit me even as I fell to the ground, they left me bloodied and breathless. I was dragged away from my destination. I woke up and tried to find the meaning of the dream but I couldn’t understand so I forgot about it. Years later, I struggled to understand evil. I wondered about Lucifer and wondered “What made him so corrupt,so evil that he cannot be redeemed?, why did he choose to rebel against god if he was so blessed?” I saw satan wickedly grin at me in a vision, yet he took the form of someone else whom I had compassion for and perverted it.

I wanted answers from the words of his followers and they said “You follow god because he is as you call loving, well we follow the enemy of god because he is hating yet he lets people fulfill their own sinful nature, if your god is so loving, why does he punish sinners? he created them and their sinful nature, its because he is selfish, your god cast down Lucifer and cursed him because he did what was in his nature so how can you say that god isn’t evil?in reality, he is a tyrant and that’s why we follow the enemy of god.” I struggled to answer those confusions, I tried to search the bible for answers yet I found nothing. I became frustrated yet one day, I felt satans invisible hand trying to grasp my heart,trying to control me, I rebuked it in the name of Jesus, it left yet it came back stronger each time I did so. I felt uneasy and it burned me spiritually.

I began to be tormented by evil spirits, I woke up sometimes in the middle of the night from nightmares unable to go back to sleep and sometimes I didn’t sleep for the whole night. Later I saw a vision of myself being the warrior of god, wandering in a land, being persecuted by evil spirits manifested as soldiers dressed in black, I swiftly struck them to defend myself with the sword of the spirit (Eph. 6:17). I then struck them brutally out of anger, I wondered “is this righteous anger or not?” later god spoke to me saying “in order for you to understand how the followers of the enemy feel, you must experience what they experience.” I was afraid and I told him “I can’t do it, I can never leave you” he then said “this must happen, you must have compassion to truly love them” I then tremblingly asked him “will I go back to you?” he put his hand on my shoulder and said “i will be with you until the end of the world.” I felt like I descended into a state of suffering and I saw a vision of myself in a battlefield with an army of demons. I drew my sword, fought and struck many down. In the real world meanwhile, they were trying to attack me with lies. I fought for days, when Satan taunted me and said “How strong is your faith?, we will see if you fall!”, I felt his “grasping hand” grow increasingly stronger and I felt his lies become more deceptive and harder to rebuke. He laughed “your strong!, but how strong are you?” he suddenly disappeared from my sight and in the darkness, he prowled like a wolf, stalking his prey, calculating when to strike with such devastating force. I rebuked his lies with the word yet the demons in the vision were numerous and some were very strong yet I struck them down.

I was exhausted, sweating excessively. At times, I almost fell down on the floor but I screamed at myself in a mighty voice “rise up! stay loyal to god or you will die!” I gained strength and kept fighting until finally, I was hit by a powerful blow, I kept fighting but I was hit again by another a little worse than the first, I felt my body being broken. I was suddenly hit in the back and fell down on my knees, I had the courage to stand up again but I found Satan face to face, trying to get me to join him, I covered my ears and ignored him, he suddenly left, I kept fighting but I weakened to the point where I just wanted to surrender, I became angry and I mounted on an eagle which is symbolic (Isaiah 40:31). I fought using the arrows of god (psalm 64:7) and in the air. Immediately, I was in that dark place where Satan was, he again tried to deceive me, I covered my ears yet he said something that seemed to be true, once I uncovered my ears, he asked “who is more evil, god for making me this way, or I for being evil because that is in my nature?”

i was speechless then he said “your idea of good and evil means nothing, only when you have true power will you truly be able to understand.” He left like someone who had great power. Before I could do anything, I lost my faith and my will to fight. I was overpowered by evil spirits, they threw me off the eagle, I was blinded by darkness, I tried to fight but a weapon pierced through my armor into my heart, in a desperate attempt, I tried to strike but it was useless. They tore off my armor and beat me severely, they humiliated me, my hands were bound with chains then they beat me in brutal ways. I saw another vision of Satan, I yelled at him “i still have faith and with faith all things are possible!”, he laughed then I saw my faith which was a strong kingdom then he said unimpressed “This is your faith” then he laid his hand on the wall and it completely shattered, I lost faith, I saw chunks falling down and not one stone lay on top of another. I was plunged into darkness. One day I felt the power of the holy spirit leave me, I was empty, in anger I screamed “Thats fine, leave if you will, ill find my own way!.” I soon realized this is what Satan wanted to happen, he wanted me to keep fighting because it built up pride, true I used the sword and I had strength but I wasn’t deeply rooted in the word and I didn’t let Jesus give me living water then he struck me down, how cunning the enemy can be!

i became suffocated, empty of gods word, I turned evil each day, I felt uglier. Suddenly I felt hatred, pride, and rage explode out of my heart and I was filled with it. All my life, vengeance was in my heart. I was consumed utterly by darkness. One point, I became hurt, I remembered what god told me, what I hoped for, what I thought about love and I became angry, I screamed “this was supposed to work!, love was supposed to get me the victory!” I remembered the times I tried to love with all my heart but I felt it was in vain, I felt it brought me nothing but unbearable pain. I screamed at god “why?!, love heals all wounds but it hasn’t healed mine!” I plucked love and threw it out of my heart, I turned away from god, that was the coldest expression I ever felt when I turned away and walked away from him with my pride, arrogance, and hatred. I began to hate love, even the word love, my hatred turned into burning hatred and I was turning into a monster. Satan then told me “the reason why the most wicked men achieve their plans of destruction is because of their true power which is hatred.” I began to accept this lie. I felt people who loved me, hugging me, desperately telling me to go back to god, I pushed them away, feeling nothing, I kept walking into darkness. I believed that love never was real, that its just a delusion in an attempt to keep the peace in the world, I believed that god just wanted to enslave people to believe in a delusion called “love”, that he just wanted his own glory and didn’t care how people felt.

I embraced the concept of hatred day by day. One day, I had a vision of myself standing on a “troubled” sea (Isaiah 57:20). I saw Jesus humbly himself and manifest himself as a warrior (Exodus 15:3), I knew it was god because when I looked at him he looked so calm. I felt his presence. He seemed absolutely invincible and I somewhat acknowledged his great power. I saw light being absorbed from the world and being drawn to him. He then said “you have said in your heart that evil brings true power but if you can defeat me then I will join you.” He drew his blade and waited for me to attack him, I had a black sword, I can’t completely understand what these visions meant but I knew god was capable of fighting his own people spiritually and perhaps physically (Genesis 32:23-32). I said “i don’t need to have faith in you, I can have faith in myself” then I ruthlessly attacked him yet with one hand, he repulsed me, I flew back but each time I landed on my feet. We fought for days then we appeared in a dark realm, we fought in darkness until finally my blade clashed against his and I was overpowering him for a moment yet he saw just how vengeful I was then he disappeared and said “you have been defeated because of yourself” I then was left alone in the dark, shivering. I was humiliated but I still thought that I needed more power to defeat him.

My hatred grew as well as my pride, arrogance, and rage. It grew so much that it changed me severely, I had a vision of my fingers turning into vicious claws and I was turning into a savage animal like in the bible (Daniel 4:25).I suddenly felt a sort of power of darkness attach itself to me and I didn’t even know what path I was going(1 John 2:8-11), I felt like a warrior who had lost his way, I felt no peace (Isaiah 48:22). I became so selfish, I hated everything in existence, I became the person I did not want to become, I saw myself cursing,insulting, hurting others and doing all sorts of evil deeds. I saw a vision of Christians who came near me and said “a christian never hates and if he does he never was a christian.” I became enraged and fiercely screamed “how do you know if I never was a christian?!, I tried to spread gods love, I know gods word!” I approached them aggressively and stared into their eyes and screamed “look into my dark eyes and tell me I never was a christian!, when I was suffering, love never came to rescue me!, god is a liar and a tyrant!” then one said “who are you to question god?” I screamed again “who am I to question god? who is god to play with my life?! why did he cast down Lucifer and curse him?,why is it always the worst of people who get ignored by Christians while the hurting get their love?, the preachers and ministers sit in special chairs like their some kings so tell me how a supposedly good gracious god would let people suffer?!, and you people, many of you were my so called friends yet when I turned this way, you stopped being my friends, I have seen your hypocrisies, if this truly is gods love then don’t bother calling yourselves Christians and if it isn’t then its not real so tell me how love exists?!” no one answered with scriptures.”Answer me!” I monstrously roared, then they left.

I became even more corrupted by darkness, but I saw a part of my human self, it said to god “Will you still remember me when I completely forsake you?, will you still remember the time when I was looking for love and I found you and you saved me from hatred?” I then coldly turned into my corrupted self. I heard the voices of Christians who told me “God loves you and he wants to forgive you”, I became very angry and lashed out with blasphemies, feeling like an elder who was more experienced than everyone else, I screamed with a hateful look in my face “Don’t tell me about love!, I don’t need to be forgiven by a weak, proud,tyrant who perverts love!, Vengeance is mine! and I would rather go to the lake of fire accepting my just punishment than go to heaven being like you!”, I heard Christians who had lost their way but they came back to god and asked for forgiveness but I arrogantly ignored it, I stopped going to church and when I was invited, I went but not to seek god, I sought to challenge him. I sat there, angry, unmoved, and I swore to myself that if the preacher belittled me by laying his hand on me, I would do a very wicked deed. It was just as proverbs 26:24-26 says “Whoever hates disguises himself with his lips and harbors deceit in his heart; when he speaks graciously, believe him not, for there are seven abominations in his heart; though his hatred be covered with deception, his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.” I realized I was fully capable of having a lying tongue, a hand that steals, indulging in greed rather than sharing with the needy, a hand that destroys the innocent without mercy. I was capable of doing anything evil. I thought I found the greatest power of all, hatred, I felt powerful but one day I felt very depressed, hopeless, desperate, I felt so alone, I felt so much self pity and guilt and I cried, those were the loudest, most sorrowful cries I had in my life, I almost committed suicide, feeling nothing but my guilt, rage, and sorrow, but deep inside I felt a broken hand, holding me tightly so that I would not kill myself, I found that it was my other self, the warrior whom I thought was already dead, even though he almost had nothing, he was still willing to fight, my evil self wanted to get rid of him so that nothing would stand in my way.

I swore that if anyone told me that they loved me, I would give them a very terrible punishment, I would turn them like me and then humiliate them. I had a vision, I saw Jesus, the warrior, he spoke truth but I laughed hysterically and screamed very arrogant words at him then I attacked him with the power of darkness, it destroyed the environment except him, he repulsed me, yet I vomited to show my eagerness to destroy him, I tried to consume him in darkness but he was faster than I anticipated, I soon traveled at superhuman speed and charged at him, trying to destroy the truth but I was pushed back, finally I mustered up all the darkness and hatred I had (Matt. 6:23) and in a powerful fist filled with my blazing fury, the size of a world, I threw the greatest strike I could at him but to my amazement, he blocked it and pushed me down on the floor, I could barely move. I was humiliated, I couldn’t believe it. I had left this path of love, I thought hatred was the greatest power, I thought it was supposed to make me apathetic to fear, to pain, to being human, but I found that hatred failed to do that, I found that hatred is caused by the lack of love, I thought that my hatred would keep my rage aflame but it didn’t, it eventually extinguished. Those who hate aren’t freed from pain, they are enslaved to it. My hatred turned me into a very corrupted person, I thought I was supposed to be more powerful than Jesus but I wasn’t, meanwhile he remained unchanged (Malachi 3:6), still more powerful than i.

Confused, I asked myself “What is love?!” he left, my pride filled me but I felt his angels chain that corrupted part of me. I felt powerless, still very angry, but very depressed. I met a christian and he prayed for me. I was about to threaten him but I couldn’t, I asked him “Why is the enemy attacking me like this?”, he replied “because he is afraid that god is going to use you for very great things, god has called you to be a preacher.” I refused to believe him, I was still angry at god. “How could I ever be a preacher like this?!” I wondered, but god told me “when I found you, hatred has caused you to be weak, but my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9). Eventually, I rejected the help of my fellow christian, I felt the enemy put heavy chains on me, he took me to a cliff above hell, I became so hopeless, so broken, I cried out “If there is such a thing as love, if anyone loves me enough that they would keep praying for me, I ask them to stop and forget about me because there is no hope for me, I will always hate and I won’t ever have eternal life.” I saw a vision of myself in heaven, whole, but then slowly, I fell down into hell, as I fell down to the deepest part, I became transformed into that very corrupted monstrous form, full of darkness. When I fell to the ground, all I could hear was the inhuman roars that I made. Despite all of my despair, I heard god say to me “Has darkness completely consumed you?, you don’t even know your own words, but if you still love me, come find me and I will give you truth and make you a new creature.” I didn’t know what I felt but I crawled and in the vision, I went to mount Zion, I kept crawling and I found Jesus as he was in the gospels. He was preaching on loving your neighbor but when I approached, he stopped and looked at me, his followers looked down on me, he walked near me, I ashamedly looked down at his feet then I looked up and I saw him stretch his hand and felt his hand touch my forehead, suddenly I felt burning oil fall on my head, it was like boiling water and the darkness, burning hatred, rage, and evil left me, I felt gods fire move through me and burn the demons, making them flee and the heavy chains broke, fell then shattered. All at once, the place turned into hell and I heard Satan roaring very angrily, he tried to take me away with a torrent (Rev. 12:15) but Jesus carried me and placed me in a safe place. I could finally walk on my feet but then I fell down, feeling dead, I then arose when god gave me life. Abruptly, I felt the devils hand grasp my heart, and he told me weakly but wickedly “im not going to let you go!”, I then saw myself being violently dragged back into hell. I suddenly found accusers disguised as “pharisees.” they beat me brutally almost to death not with fists but with words. One said “You are still under the curse of the law and that shall be your death!.” I knew they were parts of me because another said “your own law of vengeance shall kill you because of your sins!” They were right, the bible says “The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you” and the words I said condemned me because the same words the pharisees used, I used. I mocked, accused, and humiliated Jesus, I was like the high priest who tore his vest in Matthew 26. In that time, I felt what it was like to be ashamed and condemned. I felt unworthy to be saved but Christ interceded for me and the punishments which were meant to be given to me were given to Christ.

When I remembered his death, my hatred became destroyed and my accusers left me. I had an incredible vision, I was powerfully filled with the holy ghost and I found new robes which represented gods law of love (Gal. 5:14), my eyes were blazing, the light inside me made my skin shine brightly and it vastly illuminated the dark places. I understood the truth, the truth god revealed to me was that those who truly love god gladly go to his light and nothing can separate them from his love, those who are with god for a while but ultimately forsake him never truly loved him in the first place. I once was filled with and shielded with so much hatred but love pierced my heart, I didn’t like the feeling of being weakened by love, but finally it consumed me from within and my wounds were healed because “Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all transgressions” (Proverbs 10:12), when once I felt burning hatred, I felt burning love, I had new desires, when once I wanted to curse and scream hateful, hurtful words at people, I now want to speak words of peace and of love, when once I was proud and arrogant, I now wanted to be humble, when I once wanted to destroy the innocent not just with violence but with words, I want to preach about Jesus, when once I wanted to be consumed in my greed, I now want to give many of my possessions to the poor and show gods love and when once I was so filled with depression, sorrow,rage, and vengeance, I was now filled with the joy, peace, gentleness and love of Jesus Christ. I encourage everyone who hasn’t accepted Christ as their savior to truly call him and ask him to be your lord and savior, I promise you, you will never regret it.

I cannot get up in front of people and speak, I am one of those people who do good only in crowds of one or two…I say these words to
the church, the body of Christ…to edify Jesus and not to condemn but to set free…I was born again September 23, 1977 @9:15 at night..just before I went
to church I told the one who invited me “I will go to church once and once only!! I will go to a church of my choice and one thing I will never do is give
up my booze”…I didn’t say those things in a very nice way but for some reason it didn’t scare or intimidate the one who was witnessing to me…well we
went to church of my choice..and I thank god that the church was a spirit filled Pentecostal church. A church that did not baby step or water down the
word of all mighty god…at the end of the service I raised my hand to be saved.. I’m so glad the pastor didn’t ask for an alter call because as I said I’m
a little shy..but god saw my hand go up…the next day I told the one who had gone to church with me that I had been born again and delivered from
alcohol..they said a feather would have knocked them over…

Here I’m going to jump forward many years.. A lot happened but I’ll skip it for now…in 2006 our area had a new building opening…it was tioga downs a casino only 20 minutes from home…I had drifted away from god and could not hardly wait for the place to open…up to this point I had not gambled and no desire to do so…..I started to go once a week and then twice a week and then whenever i could get there… After a couple years i started to
steal..no i didn’t go into someone’s pocketbook and take their money…I opened credit cards in my mother’s name and took cash advances to gamble with..her
mail came to my house and I made the credit card payments so it was easy…she didn’t know and she trusted me to pay her bills and do right by her finances…I
began to let my bills slide but paid hers until I didn’t even pay hers because there were so many I just simply couldn’t keep up with them all..one month I
lost her car payment money at the casino and the finance company called her to say the car payment was late..I told her not to worry I had forgotten and would mail it out..she called me again and said they wanted the payment that day…now I was getting scared..I had lost hundreds of her money and my own
at  the casino…I asked her to loan the money to me and I would pay her when I got paid..she went to the bank and  she asked for a print out of her checking
account and found a list of tioga downs… Tioga downs… Tioga downs withdrawals..keep in mind I had been handling my mother’s finances for almost
10 years…she got in her car , came to my house and confronted me…I took her outside and told her a had a gambling problem..I’m sure she was shocked..but
more than that she didn’t understand the power of my addiction…and either did I..but I knew I was  in a lot of trouble with her and the law!!

My mother took her finances back and began to unravel the mess I had created..I cried and cried in disbelief of how I had used my mother
and lied to my mother and lied to cover up this addiction…she still doesn’t know I gambled away  10s of thousands of dollars  in a few short years…

You know what day it was when my mother found out I had beenstealing from her? It was September 23–the anniversary of when I was born
again…I just couldn’t get to church fast enough and pray hard enough for god to get me through this mess I was in…but did I stop gambling …no I did
not…because I could not..after all it was the only fun thing I did..the only place I could escape my problems and only place I didn’t have to think about god and how far away I had drifted…

All at the same time I became disabled and lost my car..my income went down almost $1000 a month… And this is where my story gets better..

I had no car, very little money and still went to the casino. .I just took less money and found rides …I prayed for god to help me but I would still shake when I thought of going to the casino and when I couldn’t get there…I was hooked…Satan had used the casino to destroy me…

Since I was home a lot more I spent a lot of time on the computer and one day I typed in Jimmy Swaggart…there he was on the Internet 24 hours a day..I listened every day about the cross the cross the cross and one day I woke up knowing that I had been delivered…completely– divinely–miraculously– totally delivered..how do I know? I know the power of deliverance from being delivered from alcohol many years ago…I knew that I knew  and I would never doubt it..It was finished…I cry  now when I think of how I was delivered..

I want to share this with you to let you know the answer is not in will power–possessive thinking–self help books–counseling–therapy–good works or trying to do good things..the answer is in Jesus Christ..the cross…what the cross represents..the act of Jesus dying and raising up again and send ing his holy spirit..

The casino is no place for a child of god…not to gamble…not to eat at the buffet—not to meet friends or go see a concert…It is an unholy place and Satan will use it against you..

I’ve used all the reasoning and excuses…It’s just fun…the food is good..they give me free food..the entertainment is great..I have friends there…but I am telling you Jesus Christ is not glorified..there is a bar there ..people are losing their livelihood..people use the name of our lord and savior as a curse word..people get drunk there…is this where he wants you to be..we are to be separate from the world…that isn’t just a little expression…being separate from the world is what god had told us to do in his word…

I pray that you understand that sin in our lives…any sin of any nature…. Will consume us unless we repent…the cross of Christ is the answer for everything in our life…

Don’t look to Jimmy Swaggart.. Your friends…your family…your church or your pastor..go to the cross and there you will be set free and be made whole…It is time for his people to get all the wicked ways out of our lives..he is coming back for a spotless bride and he is coming soon…look around..even the unsaved realize the world is upside down but we have the answer and we know the redeemer…pray and look into your heart and put Jesus first…maybe the things in your life that are not pleasing to Christ are subtle and maybe they are a secret…maybe you think there are little and big sins…but god sees our lives and hearts…look and see what god sees…

The next time you come to church bring someone who doesn’t know Jesus as their personal savior.. .Its time for the church to claim back what has been stolen..It’s time for revival…don’t let the little things creep in and get to be big things and issues..the alter is there for seeking god and his will…use it every time the doors of the church are open…..pay without ceasing…..this is the will of god..support  your church with your tithes and be used of god…tell everyone the good news …

Today I praise god for salvation,  deliverance and his grace…amen..god loves you…yes he really does!

Visiting a friend in Austin, Texas I found something greater than I could imagine.  At Bryan’s apartment I was laying on the floor in the bedroom.   We had been smoking marijuana all day the previous day. I had been hallucinating during the evening, because I have a mental illness.  At this time I was practicing black magic, reading Tarot cards, cursing people, and various other forms of the occult.  When I awoke I came to the conclusion that I had been wasting my life. I got up off the couch cushions that were on the floor and went out into the living room.  I told one of the people in the living room about my concept. He responded that I should just go with it.  I was tired of just going with things.  I walked out of the apartment, down the stairs, and out into the world to find my answer to this issue.

As I walked down the street, there were multiple churches.  I thought to myself maybe God has theanswer.  So I walked up to a church grabbed the metal handle on the wooden door and pulled: locked.  I went to another church grabbed the handle, and it was locked as well.  It happened one more time, then in a somewhat defeated attitude I started to return to my friend’s apartment.  There were some people outside a church, so I decided to walk up to them.  I approached a man and began to cry.  Expressing a fear that I was too wicked, and God did not want me.   When he brought me in the building he went and got me some tissues.    He walked me up stairs to speak to the youth minister.

I spoke to the stocky, handsome black man candidly. Told him about my fears, and he looked at me compassionately and spoke the gospel.  He asked me if I wanted to pray to accept Christ, and I did.  As soon as I prayed with him I felt like the emptiness was filled with the Holy Spirit.  I returned to Bryan’s place exhilarated.  I felt so good.  I got rid of all my occult belongings, including burning my spell book.  I thought the transformation would be instantaneous, but my addiction got the better of me time and time again. However I say with a grateful heart that Jesus never turned his back on me.  He has been there for me since
before I knew, and He saved me from a treacherous fate.

God is so good, this will be a very short version of my testimony. I have been a drunk, a drug dealer and addict, and in a homosexual relationship…and thats the worst things that i remember from that dead man. I came home after being in the army for afew years, to find all that i expected to be happy about, was nothing but the same life and problems and the ME i hated so much.

I started going back to church and gave my heart back to my God. Well…who the Son sets free is free indeed. God has set me free from the things that once haunted me. All the horrible anxiety, condemnation and darkness is gone. Its amazing, how the wonderfull, precious blood of my Jesus is as strong today as it was the day He chose pour out His life for me.

When he chose to look past my sin, at what i was, and chose to give it all so that i, I can be free. I tell you right now, whereever, and whoever you are, you were the one on his mind on that cross, and He knows how bad the pain is….because He carried it all the way up a hill and onto a cross. He is here now, waiting for us to come, just to come and be His child.

Try this now… put your hand right in front of your mouth, now breath, whisper, thats how close God is to you right now, just a whisper away. Be strong in the Lord and never give up, your daddy’s arms are right here, He is waiting to love you, and set you free. And you are free in Jesus name.

I was born in Epsom, surrey in 1968 and was bought up in a childrens home in penrith, Cumbria  from the age of 6-11 due to my mum being ill with thyroid with my brother. it was a great place with plenty of love and care shown to us both there.it was on my last day there that I was given a copy of the authorised version of the bible by karen who was 1 of the members of staff who cared for me. I also remember 1 day when I was about 7 that I said my 1^st prayer to jesus with a cruxifix on my wall and I remember the cross and the prayer making me feel secure as I prayed to jesus. I also went to church every week but to be honest I found it boring and I dident enjoy it or apreciate it at the time.

From the ages of 11-16 life was pretty well devoid of god and pretty darn hard at times at home in burton in kendal and I remember also getting depressed being bullied at school because of my autism (aspergers)

I remember getting chucked out the car at 16 in carnforth as I started my  10 years or so working in the hotel trade. the work was hard stressful and poorly paid athough I did live in which was both a burden as they could make me work on my days off and a bonus as I had hardly any expenses at 1^stanyways I remember my 1^st wage being £15 a week which was back n 1984 for about 40 hours per week.the next year whilst there I joined the youth training scheme which was paid 27.50,then 35.00 the following year and it was then that I started drinking and smoking.

1 day( when I was 18) in the grange high street, whist drunk a lad called Derek asked me if I would like to go to a christian meeting in grange. he then introduced me to a lad called phillip who was a strong christian and I went to house cell group in grange and invited jesus christ to be my personal lord and savoiur that 1^st day. to be honest I felt uneasy at 1^st but then the next day I experienced the love of jesus for the 1^st time and everything seemed wonderful being in gods presense.I realised for the 1^st time it was the best decision I had ever made! .over the next 9 months or so I grew in my faith and attended either the emanual christian centre in ulverston or a Pentecostal church in amble side(or both) every Sunday which phillip took me too in his car.1 day in particular which I remember is that I was listening to a tape of the billy graham crusade in England and I felt convicted by the holy spirit and I felt the love of jesus and had tears rolling down my eyes.I also felt gods presence at other times during the 9 months or so  for example when reading the bible and obeying it, for example willing to be persecuted And talked about for telling others about jesus (mathew 5:10,11 )

Between the ages of 19 and 27 I became much less interested or concerned about my relationship with jesus christ and it was particularly towards the end of this period that I made a series of unwise, almost fatal choices that destroyed and nearly killed me(or at least nearly brought me to the stage of taking my own life), my dad was also unwell with diabetes and realised he was gong to die as well  and I started to feel depressed and trapped in a job that I found stressfull and hard to cope with and with a diagnosis and symptoms of  a severe, pychotic  mental ilness, some of which I had since age 16 or so and some brought on by drug dependance as well which I was seeing different professional people about and getting treatment for, in short. I was suicidal, trapped in my own “hell“, totally devoid of gods love and presence

It was during this time that I read angie fenimores book “beyond the darkness”, her personal testimony of angie being rescued from hell after committing suicide by overdosing on drugs and being redeemed by the saviour of the world, Jesus Christ and rescued, learning many truths, then being given a second chance and bought back to life,a story of love,redemption and hope.I strongly recomend this beautifull book!

Anyway i was deeply moved after reading this and  with tears in my eyes I cried out loud

“Jesus, please forgive me for everything I have done and save me”

I then, during the next day or so experienced the presence of Jesus in a powerful way and was instantly “set free” and rescued from alcohol and drugs.

I have still suffered greatly at times in the past 13 years or so and suffered pain, hurt, persecution, harassment and rejection but Jesus promises not to take you out of suffering but to be with you through life’s trials. he has been faithful and he has never left me or forsaken me. glory to god!

Mathew 16:24-28 comes to mind as i write this: Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save their life] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.  What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done.

“Truly I tell you, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom”

in the past 13 years or so, Jesus Christ has rescued me from drugs and alcohol, healed a mouth abscess after i called out to him, cleared £1,500 worth of debt after i obeyed god to contribute to a well known tv ministry, brought very special people into my life with a pilgrimage similar to my own and many other prayers answered. Romans 8:31-38 comes to mind here. May god bless you richly, all glory to god ♥

i now experience the fellowship, love, joy and presence of the lord everyday. I do have my “mountaintop” and “valley” experiences in my walk with god, but I can honestly say, becoming a Christian is the best decision I have ever made.

i am not alone(by any means) in knowing the amazing intensity of love of Jesus and i am sure that god and Jesus want everybody to know this amazing, intense love that god has for them, god bless you( john 3:16)

i now go to church reguarlly and i have been a much stronger christian for the past 13 years or so-glory to god. jesus christ is real and living and i strongly urge you to give your life to god, may god richly bless you ♥