Testimony Share

Hello there my brothers and sisters in Christ!
I have written a few testimonies on here previously about healing, salvation etc, but I really want to tell you all about what the Lord has done for me recently. I’ll try keep it short!

Basically, the enemy had been placing horrible, downright filthy thoughts into my mind. The thoughts are so bad, I won’t even name them, but I’m sure you can imagine. These thoughts took over my life. I could hardly do anything without being tormented. This lead to many weeks crying out to the Lord, feeling condemned, full of sorrow and just feeling rubbish really. It was like the light in my heart had drained out and turned into darkness. Anxiety, sin, heaviness, pride, wickedness had tried to take over me and, at times I got deceived and rebelled against the Lord, but He never let me go.

But praise be to the God of the living AND the dead that Christ came to DESTROY the works of the enemy. Oh yes, victory has already been won my fellow bretheren! So if you are overcome by darkness, anxiety, evil thoughts, sinful patterns, I am here to tell you that Christ has called you to live in freedom, peace and love!

I prayed, CRIED out to the Lord, fasted, and also attained knowledge about the forces of darkness. A book written by James W. Gall called ‘Deliverence from Darkness’ sheds the light of Christ in such hopeless situations, and gives precise, biblical instructions in dealing with evil spirits, evil forces, thought patterns and demons. I”m not saying this to get you to buy the book, and I hope a lot of you don’t need it. But if you do, here is the link-www.amazon.com/Deliverance-Darkness-Essential-Strongholds-Oppression/dp/0800794818

1 Peter 2:5 says “You come to him as living stones, a spiritual house that is being built into a holy priesthood.”

Notice that in Luke 11:24 it says “When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left”.

I believe that I left that door open for the enemy’s servant to enter. I don’t know what exactly I did or how I fell, but I did something to welcome evil spirits in.

Now, I can tell you with a sincere heart that I am at peace. I have no burdens, unrational fears, I do not feel overcome by evil anymore. I can live in peace, the way God called me to live. And He wants you to live in peace too.

God bless,
Love Sazzy

For about 10-15 years I had been in the bondage of an addiction. I did not recognise at first that using pornography was something that is highly addictive and that it could impact severely on my self esteem and relationships with my loved ones.

Fortunately the Lord intervened and showed me the path to rid myself of this addictive behaviour. I was introduced to a 12 step program that brought me closer to my Saviour Jesus Christ, and recently I discovered a talk/video by a neurosurgeon, Dr Donald Hilton about the effect of pornography on the brain.

These events in my life freed me from the bondage of addiction, and today I feel like a free man! There are still challenges in life, but I am able to work through those with confidence that the Lord will help me and that he answers my prayers.

Now I can feel the blessings of the Lord in my life, and the true joy that comes from living his commandments. Our Saviour said “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (KJV)

“I was sinking deep in SIN…far from the peaceful shore.  I was very deeply STAINED within, and I sinking, sinking to rise, no more.   But the master of the sea heard my desperate cries, and from the water he lifted me…now SAFE am I.”

A few weeks ago, I wasn’t certain I would be here now.  I was so filled with despair, and hopelessness that I believed my life no longer matter.  Sobbing on the floor in my bathroom, I lamented all the mistakes I’d made that put me in my position.  These feelings of regret consumed me and I could feel was darkness.  Reaching out to a close loved one for comfort, I was rebuffed.  Like the writer of the hymn paraphrased above…I was sinking.  Now, when I thought that all was lost…God stepped in.  He didn’t completely solve the problems, but He let me know that his grace was enough to meet my needs.

Today, I realize that I had to be made low.  I’d forgotten to place a priority of my spiritual self, and I turned my back on the faith that nurtured me as a child.  In short, I know now that before God could lift me up…I had to be made low.  Things didn’t and haven’t changed completely, but now I know…that God CAN!  Sometimes in life it is easier to give up, but we have to keep fighting.  When nothing/no one else can help…let God lift you up.

Up until the age of 13 I don’t remember much from my childhood. I was brought up in a leafy suburban town; I went to a lovely small primary school and had everything I needed. I became a Christian at the local church after attending with a friend for a few months. I read the Bible cover to cover within a year. To an outsider it looked like I had the perfect life.

However, behind closed doors my mum was aggressive and from 13 onwards she physically abused me. She was highly critical of me and I felt very scared of her. I started being bullied at high school because I was overweight. The bullying occurred sometimes several times a day. I started self harming and having regular suicidal ideations. I decided that if I lost enough weight the bullying would stop, so I stopped eating. After three days with no food I fainted at school several times and people started worrying about me. I was scared that the teachers would contact home so I decided that I needed a different method to lose weight. I avoided food at all costs, but ate when I needed to, or when I was being watched by other people. I would often just eat a bite of a banana for a meal. I also started taking laxatives, sometimes on a daily basis, because I thought this would help me to lose weight quickly.

I hated school because I felt so embarrassed about being bullied, and the bullies would often joke about me in front of the rest of the class. The more I took laxatives, the more I investigated other pills that might help. So I started taking diet pills and diuretics too. The self harming became more regular; I found a penknife at home and would cut my stomach over and over when I was at home, to escape the pain in my mind.

When I was about 15 I started drinking, and this fuelled my desire to destroy myself. I would drink until I was sick or would pass out, forgetting what I had done that evening. Sometimes I would get cigarettes and burn myself with the lit end. I was tired of hiding my struggles and desired to be alone so I could starve myself freely. There were periods of time where I would not eat anything for up to 10 days when I could get away with it. I rapidly lost weight to the point where people voiced their concerns and I was dragged to see a doctor. I lied about everything and convinced them I was fine.

Things got worse at home and I was living in fear constantly. I remember one day I hid under the bed all day, so scared of my Mum’s anger. I started talking in a chat room online and described what was going on at home. It felt like the only place I could talk about things without people around me finding out. One lady was very worried about me and asked me what school I went to. She rang social services. I was terrified. I had to go and talk to some people at social services. I was so scared that they would contact my parents and that things would get worse. So I lied to them, saying everything was fine. However, they contacted my parents anyway and I was in a lot of trouble. To cope with it all, I turned, as ever to self harm and starving myself. A year later my parents divorced and moved into separate houses. I thought that maybe things would be better for me at home, but soon afterwards my Mum continued abusing me.

At 16 I started going out with a guy. He knew I was a Christian and wanted to save sex for marriage and at first he respected this. However, after 6 months he raped me and took my virginity. I was so lost and confused, and even more certain that because I had no worth I needed to destroy myself further. I experimented with cocaine and other drugs, and started making myself sick. I found making myself sick difficult, so I researched other options and found out about ipecac syrup which is used to induce vomiting in children who have eaten something toxic. It is not used anymore in most countries as it can cause a heart attack the first time it is used. I bought some online and started using that so I could lose weight faster.

At 18 I went to University. I was a mess, and had been unable to share openly with anyone the full story of what was going on. After the purging becoming regular, I started to feel scared because I was feeling so poorly. I decided to go to the doctors and I was referred to an eating disorder clinic. It was terrifying but I persevered and saw a nurse every week. By the end of the first term I had been referred back to a doctor and put onto antidepressants as I was regularly feeling suicidal.

Through Uni I saw countless professionals for help. I was referred to counsellors, doctors, the eating disorder nurse, a dietician, a psychiatric nurse, a psychiatrist and finally a therapist. I made two suicide attempts during my second year of Uni and ended up in hospital both times. I heard about a Christian residential home called Mercy Ministries that helped girls aged 18-28 with the kind of problems I was dealing with. I was desperate to be looked after and to get away from my life. I decided it would be my last attempt to get help. I didn’t think there would be any other options after that anyway. In April 2008 I met a guy called Paul at a Christian camp called Spring Harvest whilst we were both stewarding. He was amazing and was so patient with me when I was so intent on destroying myself. He supported me during the lead up to going to Mercy.

Mercy was amazing but difficult! I went in July 2008 when I was 19 and I spent five months there in recovery. I was required to eat meals three times a day, then sit, watched for an hour afterwards to ensure I didn’t go to the bathroom and purge. All sharp objects were kept in the office, so we were unable to self harm. There were 9 other girls there when I went. We were encouraged to talk to the staff if we were struggling. Some days were extremely difficult but the staff were amazing and I enjoyed spending time with the other girls. At Mercy we were taught to turn to God when we were struggling, and we spent time in worship and in classes learning about God every day. I really enjoyed that aspect of being at Mercy and drew much closer to God whilst I was there. We worked through a counselling programme, and when I was coming towards the end of that I was offered a graduation date. I left Mercy in December 2008, determined not to go back to bulimia and self harm, but sadly I slipped back into both habits by Easter.

I planned to go back to Uni in September to finish my final year in primary education, but by September I was poorly again, purging up to four or five times a day in a desperate attempt to lose weight. I felt very lonely and isolated at Uni, but kept trying to draw near to God. I started having cognitive behavioural therapy towards the end of my final year of Uni, and I finished Uni in June 2010 at 21. After Uni I moved house and city to be closer to my boyfriend, Paul, but continued to come back for CBT. When I moved house I decided that I didn’t want to taint my new home with bulimia or self harm so I tried really hard to stop both habits. With the support of CBT I finally conquered bulimia and have not purged for over a year now! At CBT I worked though the issues that I had never been able to address with past counsellors and finally started to make real progress. In October 2010 my boyfriend proposed to me. I spent six months after finishing Uni focusing on recovery and in January 2011 I started my first teaching job.

Had God not come into my life at the age of 13 I am convinced that I would be dead by now. The only thing that held me back from being more self destructive was knowing that it hurt God to see me destroy myself and fearing that God would hold me accountable when I meet him. All through the difficult times I knew God was present with me and he was my comfort and strength to keep going. God has completely transformed my life. I am free from the abuse of my past, I am free from bulimia, I am free from self harm, I am getting married this year and I am now working full time as a primary school teacher. I am still struggling with depression, but I now have energy and I am able to sleep through the night.

God is amazing and has redeemed me, restored me and has a plan for my future.

I was born in March 1996 to a semi-religious Methodist family. My sister and I were never forced to go to church, and although we were somewhat encouraged, no strict rules were put in place and we usually talked our way out of going. It’s reasonable that a little kid won’t understand much, but most children raised going to church usually decide what they personally choose to believe by around age 12. When I was that age, I pretended to be sick every Sunday and spent every morning watching old TV shows and eating out of a large bucket of ice cream. My lucky high metabolism didn’t cause a weight gain, but my poor diet and lack of church experience weren’t helpful. At only 10 years old, I had to leave my house with all my old friends and move away which, for a 10 year old, is a huge deal, especially for the Harry Potter-loving nerd I was back then. We still kept going to the same church after we moved, but at the time it was the least of my concerns. I started 5th grade in a new place and for the first time, was completely alone. From 5th-7th grade, people picked on me more than I could even imagine, especially as kids started maturing in 7th grade. I had only made one friend in those three years, and the kids at the school pressured me to turn from a happy nerd into a quiet, gothic dressing teenager. There were times in my 7th grade year I contemplated suicide or switching schools, anything to just get away. It was around the end of my 7th grade year that my friend invited me to our church spring break retreat that changed my life forever.

So after some convincing, I finally let me friend talk me into going on this retreat when she said there would be a beach. I remember getting in to find we spent only a little time on the beach, and most of our time focused on learning about god through worship and bible study, ending with multiple small groups. They started off singing a song called Song of Hope by Robbie Seay Band that really stuck out to me, at first just because I liked the beat. After a few more sessions I really started getting into it and having questions. During small groups, I shared some of my questions with our small group leader and I started opening up some feelings, which I hadn’t been able to do in years. On the last night, they played soft music on the guitar and asked anyone with sins or anything going on in their life to come up to the altar and write it down in a book they had provided. God came into me that night in more ways than I can even imagine, so I tearfully went up and wrote all the things that had troubled my heart for so long. As they threw the book into a fire to get rid of our sins forever, I spent an hour talking to my friend about everything that had happened and how powerfully god had worked on me that night. Afterwards, we went down to the beach to do communion and I knew then that I accepted and loved Jesus Christ with all my heart forever.

As 8th grade started, I was prepared for those gossipy people to give me there worst, because I had god to protect me from harm. I came in that day, and after only a week of school, had made a bunch of new friends. I spent that year so happy to finally feel accepted, but there was something important missing in my life, something I needed desperately to keep all those new relationships strong, and that was Jesus. When I realized I had made friends, I ignored Jesus and put him in the back of my mind, not realizing how much I still needed in my life, because my time before him still left me weak without those friends to mask Jesus’s love from me. I lied about my life to those friends to make myself sound more cool, and would’ve done anything for them. When 9th grade started, I 100% expected things to be just as fun as they were in 8th grade, but I was wrong. All I did in 8th grade was meet a few friends that I became attached to, more attached than I was to god. 9th grade started, and all these friends made new friends and got tired of how I always wanted to be with them. By October of that year, I had lost almost all of those friends, and was more fragile than I had been before I met Jesus. The suicidal thoughts started up worse than ever, and so did the cutting. I told all those friends in 8th grade I cut just as a joke, and they thought it was funny. It didn’t turn out as funny when it was actually happening. I seriously started to doubt god’s love for me and was at a point where I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone. I was in a severe clinical depression until I finally made some better friends that were also Christians. They made me want to be honest and be actually able to talk about Jesus, which I could never have done with the atheist friends I had before. In the few months between October and January, I had gone from an almost non-believing atheist into one of the crazy obsessive religious Methodist. I got to a point where I was more involved in my church than a youth age person can be. Those old friends and past experiences drifted to the back of my mind, and god took over from there. I did so many things at my church, I started becoming bored, like I wasn’t really receiving god’s full love, like I needed something more, but I couldn’t think of what it was at the time. As summer started, I had scoliosis surgery. I’m sure a large part of what happened afterwards were the painkillers reminding me of the past, but I’m still not sure why it happened. As the surgery ended, the medicine made me think weird thoughts. I looked around and realized I was all alone, and I was still recovering so I couldn’t go anywhere. The entire month of June, every day I sat around, watching tv and waiting for texts and calls that never came. It was obvious I was slipping off into another deep depression, a place I didn’t want to be but I was falling hard. The cutting and the fights with friends started all over again, but this time there was a difference. Last time, I was friends with atheist, but this time, god was working through me and my supportive Christian friends that wouldn’t give up and knew I could get through this somehow. I got invited by a friend to a Catholic retreat called Steubenville, which I really didn’t want to go on since A) I’m Methodist, not Catholic, and I didn’t know how to do anything and B) I wasn’t allowed to take my scissors to cut with or my phone to sit by and get worse. For some reason, I ended up deciding to go, but I was planning on having a horrible time. I was completely wrong. Only maybe an hour after I got there, I had already made 5 new friends, double the amount of friends I had before Steubenville.

The only problem was, my clinical depression was still there and was doing its best to not let me have a good time. That first night in my sleeping bag, since I didn’t have scissors I dug into my wrist with my fingernails, but this time my friend caught me and we talked a while, but it didn’t change anything. The next day, in one of the sessions, the depressing pain just wouldn’t go away, so I did something completely stupid. I saw a cut on my leg I got from running into something, and although I was sitting next to the same friend that caught me cutting the night before, I stupidly decided to peel off the scab and scratch the scar till it bled. My friend saw it at the end of the session, and it made her cry which I felt sad about, but I still wanted to do it again. It wasn’t until adoration that night that changed everything. The soft music was playing and Jesus was brought it, and I had this strange feeling that I still can’t explain come inside me, and I instantly was on my knees with my hand stretching out and almost crying. I prayed harder than I had in a long time to ask god to forgive me and that I promised to never cut again, and he could do whatever he wanted with me because I am completely his. Afterwards, I got this idea in my head that I want to become Catholic. I’d never really thought of it too seriously before, knowing my parents rude, stereotypical jokes towards Catholics and there decision that I can’t choose my religion until I turn 18, but after that moment none of it matter, only god mattered to me. Since that night, I have so far won the battle against the devil and his tricky schemes to try and make me cut or lie again, and I have decided to learn everything I can about the Catholic church until I turn 18, which is when I’ll start taking classes to become fully Catholic, which I think is why I always felt like there was something missing when I was just wanting to be Methodist. I hope god can keep helping me to learn more so I can remain faithful to him.

I grew up in a non-religious, “liberal-Christian” family, with two younger siblings and two parents. We usually went to church only once a year, on Christmas, but sometimes on Easter as well. I also vaguely remember going to a Sunday school camp once every while.

The result this had on me was minimal: I was a “liberal-Christian”. I mean, I was a Christian because I believed in God intellectually, right? But in Romans 10:9-13, it says “if you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.” Now, I had never believed from heart. I had never actually had confidence or trusted in Jesus, like how you trust your loved ones with money, or with responsibility. No, I believed in Jesus up here – in my head. Never from my heart.

Now, my ideas surrounding who Jesus was were pushed around and obscured by my lack of knowledge. I remember reading books like The Da Vinci Code and The Temple Crusaders, and because I knew so little about this Jesus, I was taken aback at what those books said about Him: they said that Jesus was a lying, deceitful, crazy carpenter who had sex with Mary Magdalene. Only later did I realize that those books had no foundation in truth; they were making these things up, or distorting actual fact.

Let me tell you, I used to sin a lot. Sinning is breaking God’s law: when you do something that goes against who God is. For example, God cannot steal. For that reason, stealing is wrong. Even from a young age, I remember stealing. I stole my aunt’s gold necklace from her house, when she was kind enough to have us over. I stole money from my parents – I even stole Pokémon cards. Now, as a pre-teen, I lied constantly, giving my parents no reason to trust me. I also became really badly addicted to video games, which interfered with my social-life and homework. I would wait until my parent’s went to bed before sneaking upstairs to play on the computer. I would have to lay awake until 11 or so, wait until my Mom came down to check on me, pretend I was sleeping, and then sneak upstairs after them. Sometimes I would play until 4 in the morning. I did this night, after night, after night. I was sneaky, and I was a liar. Because I did this night after night after night, I eventually compromised my immune system because I was getting so little sleep. Then, I developed pneumonia, whereupon I was bedridden for two months. During these two months I continued to feed my addictions, even though I was punished by my parents. Among the many activities I chose to engage in were acting gluttonous, viewing pornography, acting very jealous and lustful towards certain girls, and dishonouring my parents. I lied constantly, cheated in school, and exalted myself above other people. I had broken God’s law again, and again, and again. I had wronged a Holy and Infinite God, and I was deserving of punishment.

Later, going onto my early high-school years, my siblings and I were tested, to determine whether or not we were “gifted”. I eventually became obsessed with my more “intellectual” side, which led to me acting arrogant and a know-it-all. I became depressed, and soon there was no joy in life: the only slight pleasure I got was when I fed my addictions, like the little rush a heroin addict gets when he gives himself an injection. I was tremendously depressed; my parents tried to help me, but they didn’t know what to do. I want to a psychologist, tried to get more involved in sports, and blamed it on the fact that I didn’t have enough “good” friends. Nothing worked. I was looking for something or someone to cling to. I was looking for stability in my life. I felt a giant gaping hole inside of me, and I tried to fill that hole by viewing pornography, exercising, or intellectually stimulating myself. But nothing fit in that hole. I was empty, and I needed something.

However, God had a plan for me. At the age of 15, He eventually led me to question what I believed in intellectually. I asked myself if the God of the Bible was truly compatible with scientific truth. All of the questions I had, like “who made God?”, “is evolution real?”, “did God make the universe in 7 literal days?”, and many more were answered on a Christian website (Evidence for God from Science) on the internet. This website answered all of the questions I had. However, you aren’t saved based on knowing answers to some tricky questions: remember, Romans 10:9-10 says: “if you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heartthat God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” I had yet to place my faith in Jesus Christ as my Saviour. One day, I came across a video on the internet. It is called “Father’s Love Letter”, and it spoke about God. And it showed the very thing I was so desperately in need of: God’s love.

This video speaks God’s love, and how much He loves us. In John 3:16 it says “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life”. God is willing to pay for all the sins we have done against Him! He didn’t just offer me mercy, but he offered me grace! He was paying for my sins!

Now, when I watched that video, I broke down and started to weep. I just broke down and sobbed from my heart. I was broken. Here, I could see God’s love, and I felt Him reaching out to me through His words. I felt the love of God pouring out through the words in this video, and I wept and sobbed because I knew I needed Him in my life. I was in such dire need of Him, and I knew it. I was empty, and I knew only He could fill me. Then, I found a prayer on the internet: an invitation to God, one which asks God into your life. However, I hesitated – a voice in my head said: “you don’t have to do it right now. You’re not in the mood… do it later!”. But then another voice, one which had a lasting impact, said “Why not now? Why wait another second?”. So I fell to my knees and I prayed this prayer. I just knelt on my bedroom floor, and I was sobbing from my heart, and I asked God to come into me. I was sorry for all the people I had hurt, and everything I had done wrong, and I knew I was deserving of punishment. So I believed in Jesus from my heart, and I placed faith in Him.

And then the Holy Spirit came into me. The Holy Spirit is God, and when He came into me I felt just an indescribable wave of peace that flooded my body… it is a sensation of joy, of being made new, and just pure peace. The chaos, the instability, the weight of the world I had felt moments earlier was gone. It is something words can only attempt to describe. I was absolutely euphoric, and I rejoiced!

That happened in August 2010, and WOW, has God ever changed me since then. The peace of the Holy Spirit I felt then is still in me, constant, unwavering. He has released me from so many of my addictions since then. While they used to break me down every night, and I was a slave to feeding them, God has set me free. As John 8:31-36 says, “To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. They answered him, “We are Abraham’s descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we will be set free?” Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” While I once was a slave to sin, God has set me free. God is currently working in me, and He is teaching me to love and teach others about His kingdom and the glorious truth that Jesus came and died so we can be forgiven.

My heart is to help those who are suffering with any type of addiction. I am completely in love with Jesus, who has saved me from this world and the devil many many times. I know my calling for the Lord is to help his children who are lost in this world who are suffering with addiction, mental disorders, anything that keeps them from knowing the never ending love and peace of God! So I am sending you my testimony. I pray you read and share it if that’s what God tells you to do. Thank you for taking the time in reading a servants story of love to the King who saved me from this world!!

When I was a little girl I would always imagine that this handsome prince would ride up and rescue me on his white stallion and take me away to live in his beautiful kingdom forever and ever and happily ever after. I was a very imaginative child. Well my prince never came, men came who thought they were a prince but were the devil in disguise with a pretty smile. Here is my story of a little girl lost and always searching like a lost puppy for love!
From childbirth the enemy has tried to take me out…..I was born at 6 months with complications; I had some lung disease and one of my lungs was not fully developed in 1980 they did not have all the sophisticated medical machines and stuff like they do today. My mom always tells me the story of how they wheeled her into this room and showed her the x-rays of my lungs and the right lung did not look good but the left lung was fully drawled up like a fist (undeveloped). The doctors told my momma they had to take me to Indianapolis children’s hospital immediately to remove the lung. The doctors gave my mom the weekend and come Monday they were going to remove my lung. Well over the weekend they took me to this church in Indiana and had me prayed for and come Monday morning when I arrived at the Indianapolis Children’s Hospital they retook the x-rays of my lungs and showed it to my mom and my mom said that the doctor had the strangest look on his face because the lung that was once drawled up like a fist had miracously developed into a full lung. The doctor told my mom there is no scientific explanation to why this happened and my mom smiled back and said “No but there is a God explanation”

This is the beginning of many times the enemy tried to take my life: either by overdosing, cutting myself, or being on the streets. And each and every time God said “No this one is mine!!!”

I remember my childhood being full of love and heartache. My father was not in the picture until I was eight year old. I remember before he came into the picture I would always look at other men with their children and long for a father and I could always tell if they were a good father or not. Well at the time my father came back in the picture my mom started to leave. She met a friend and started doing drugs. I did not know that then, I just knew that my mom and dad would always leave, separately for days. My grandparents were the stable rock in my life. I have two brothers Shawn and Gary and they are older than me. My brothers and I always went to church on Sundays, Sunday night and on Wednesday nights beings that my grandfather was a preacher we always attended his church. I really enjoyed church, but my favorite part was singing with my grandparents on the way to church and on the way home. We would sing old gospel songs like “in the garden”, “lily of the valley”, and “how great thou art”. I think that is why to this day when I am down or scared I will catch myself singing these old songs. I find comfort in them!

I gave my heart to God and got saved and baptized when I was eight years old. I remember one time in church my grandfather was preaching one of his sermons and I just started crying hysterically. I don’t know why, but I did. My grandmother was sitting behind me and my grandfather looked at me from the pulpit and stopped his sermon and asked me “are you OK?” I loved him so dearly. He was such a Godly and loving man!! I was lucky to have him in my life for the short time I did. He died when I was 12 and that is when my life began the downward spiral. When he died my mother left, my dad was there but just physically and my grandmother was numb. I got put in DHR custody at that time by my own hands. I cut my wrists, superficial, I desperately wanted attention and I called 911. The cops came and took me to I guess it was DHR office? They asked if I wanted to go home and I said NO. There was other stuff going on but I am not mentioning.

So began my life in the custody of Department of Human Resources of Tennessee. I was in twenty-something different foster homes, group homes, psych hospitals, and shelters. In the beginning I liked all the attention and then I discovered how to play the system and say what they want to hear. For example if I wanted to be rewarded and move up in levels (the higher the level the more privileges) I would say and do what I knew they wanted to hear and see me do. If I just wanted to be defiant I would act out in various ways. These years are a blur to me. I learned how to protect myself by hiding out at times and by reinventing my identity on many occasions to fit in with my surroundings. I discovered at twelve how cutting myself would relieve all the different emotions I was feeling at once but still numb. I did this numerous times and some of the times were almost fatal. I was put on so many medications that one time my grandmother came and saw me and she said I was just starring and drewling. I remember one day they took me to the state hospital to perform an EEG on my brain and the lady conducting this test told me that I would be institutionalized the rest of my life. So I believed that and continued to act out even more. I just wanted my life to go back to before when I was with all my family and everyone was together. I was longing for love, real love but that longing would be unfulfilled for many more years. Finally at 16 I ran away to Nashville and I lost my virginity when some guy raped me. The girl I ran away with and myself were caught and sent to juvi. Then I returned to the group home that I was in and stayed a little bit longer until I ran away again and this time my grandmother and oldest brother, Shawn came and picked me up and I went to Huntsville, Alabama to live with them. My brother Shawn was always my protector and faced his own demons of addiction, but he had a heart of gold!

When I was 16 my brother Shawn got killed in a car wreck, and once again my world got tossed upside down. He was such an amazing brother, but as many of my family members, including my other brother, was struggling with addictions. Shawn’s car wreck involved him drinking and a telephone pole. Shortly after this I began drinking with my friends to numb everything! With drinking came my boundaries being tossed out the window and I learned that people always want something from you and it is usually your body. So I used it to my advantage at times. When I was 18 I was introduced to even a darker world of drugs and sex. I met this individual who knew all the right words to say. He engaged me into so many horrible things and one of these was drugs. My drug use started innocently enough with GHB and Ecstasy. I was at the time fascinated and excited because I had this new group of older individuals who accepted me like we were a small family. This guy used me and became almost like a father figure/pimp. But no matter all the bad stuff he did the one thing he did that I had never experienced before was we would talk for hours. I mean we would stay up all night on the front porch and talk. He would give me his version of advice and I would just melt in his grips even more. He gave me the type of attention I had been searching for my whole life. But he knew what he was doing and he used my nieveness to his advantage. To say the least it ended with DEA/videotapes and me working at a spa.

After this misadventure I became hooked on cocaine, crack, and any type of stimulant. Like I mentioned I was working in spas at this time and I also began to escort. I made sure I was blasted on one type of drug or another before I engaged in anything. I was so numb and when I wasn’t numb I was searching for a way to become numb again. I didn’t care if I lived or died and I didn’t care that every time I slept with a stranger I lost another piece of my soul. So what! Nothing mattered but the drugs.

God tried to open my eyes and I became pregnant at the age of 19 and 7 short months later he blessed me with a beautiful child. I stayed sober while I was pregnant but one year later I went to the next level….using needles.

First I started shooting up cocaine and then I met my favorite of all drugs Crystal Meth. This drug was the scariest of them all. With this drug you never knew how high you were until the next day. When I was on crystal I ended up all over Alabama: Chasing that high, well chasing the people who could get me high. Every person I ended up with treated me so harshly but I didn’t care. I sure didn’t love myself and so I expected others to do the same and they did. Crystal lasted a little while but then the next stage of my drug life began I started doing crack. I was hanging in the most runned down, nasty looking places. The people I was with were so far gone in this drug world they did not care about anything or anybody. One thing I noticed though, when ever these people where sober they wished they never started doing drugs, some even cried. Which got me to thinking in every addict there is a seed of hope, if you can nourish that seed and spread light on it than you can through Jesus save their soul.

I began to prostitute, I mean real prostitute at this time walking down the streets. Some nights I would catch myself singing some of my grandmothers old gospel hymns she use to sing, as I was walking. I would think back on my childhood at times, remembering my grandfather, who was a preacher, up at the pulpit preaching and smiling at me, I remembered the day I got baptized when I was 8 years old. Where did I go wrong? How did I go from being a preachers granddaughter to prostitute addicted to crack? All I wanted in the beginning was to find a friend find someone who loves me and accepts me for me. Yeah sure, I have my family at home who love me and are worried about me, so why isn’t that enough? Why do I always come back to this lifestyle? Why do I want to cause myself and my family so much pain? At this time I took an overdose of some pills and was found face down on the floor of the apartment of this guy I was living with and not breathing. No one knows how long I was not breathing for because the guy I lived with left for work about 6 that morning and did not return until 4 or 5 that afternoon and I took all the pills the night before. So know one really knows how long I was well for lack of better words “dead” The last thing I remember before taking all those pills is thinking “it’s never going to end” and “It’s always going to be this way”. I was put in ICU for three days with a breathing tube and the only thing I remember was hallucinating seeing this beautiful garden and I tried to get to it but could not. And I was not talking right. I would talk and in my brain it made sense but the words that came out my mom said was “gibberish”. The doctors told my grandmother they were worried about brain damage because of lack of oxygen to my brain. My brain is fine now (I thinkJ) Well the state committed me this time to a state hospital in Decatur. I was put back on meds again. I stayed a month and went home.
My family often asked me why don’t you just quit? Or how could I put them through what I have put them through? I never intended to purposely hurt the one that loves me. But they just do not understand I want to quit but I can’t. Every time I try to this image of doing drugs and the feeling I get when I do them pops up in my head and then I have to have the drug. It is almost like I become another person and my families existence becomes obsolete.

Finally, after so many horrific things I have experienced, after being in jail, after knowing several girls being killed, after being in the devils palm for so long, the first time in years I truly cried out to God. I was lying on the floor in some apartment surrounded by people and in my mind I cried out “God if you will give me a way out I will take it, I am so tired God. So tired of living like this, not knowing where I am going to sleep, not knowing if I will wake up tomorrow, not wanting to wake up tomorrow. Please God Please help me” And he did.

After that experience I went home to my mother whom I have hurt so badly so many times. I would love to say that I lived happily ever after, but that is not true. The years that followed was even harder than the previous years when I was on drugs. The battle in my mind was so strong, so constant; at times I questioned my sanity. The enemy was trying to win, but the Holy Spirit that now resided in me was pulling me closer. I will admit I did give into temptation a few times one of them times landed me back in jail again. But as the years past and my spiritman became stronger I did not want drugs. I had to be healed from the inside out by God and my brain had to be rewired. But I was getting better by the grace of God and God alone. I rededicated my life to my loving savior Jesus. I have been off the streets now completely for going on 6 years. (The longest since this drug war had begun) I completed my schooling for Medical Assistant. (First thing in my life that I have ever completed). When I look back now over the past years I am baffled at what I did and how sneaky the devil and his army can be, but most importantly I am amazed at how wonderful, loving, and forgiving God is.

I still battle with the same mind games the devil plays with my mind, but now the difference is I know that’s what it is just another tactic the enemy uses to try to steal your peace and try to sidetrack you from your walk with God. I will forever live with the scars on my body that the life I use to live has left. But that is O.K. because for the first time in my life I have eternal happiness and I have found a true friend finally after searching in all the wrong places he was always there just waiting for me to cry out to him. My real true friend is Jesus. I have been off drugs and off all medications for going on 6 years. My God has healed me and truly loves me!! At times the fear tries to overcome me but then I just remember where God brought me from and this little stumbling block is nothing!

I am literally learning to live again. For so many years I allowed others to control me and shape me who they wanted me to be and I lost who I really was. God has taught me it is OK to not be perfect and it is OK to not understand everything just to trust in him and he will lead the way. I am learning to love again and accept love from others.

If I could just say one thing to those who have loved ones who are battling with any type of addiction; just keep in mind, the Jesus you taught them when they were children is still in them today. Your loved one still remembers the Jesus of their childhood, and that same Jesus will save them from their demons that they are facing today. I know, that is what saved me. You may think that taking your children to church did not mean a thing. But actually taking your children to church, bringing them up in the Lord will save them and come back to them in Gods time not in your time. God knows and hears all your prayers and your tears he is just waiting until the right time to go to your loved ones soul and knock on the door and say ” Come Home my child, Come Home. All is forgiven.”

Since this was written  I have discovered God is really real and his love is enduring and never ending. I am beginning to love myself and my self esteem is slowly recovering!! I have learned that I do not need a man to define who I am or to be happy because Jesus is everything that I need!! I am beginning to learn to see myself through the eyes of my father and what I see is no longer a little girl lost searching in every corner for love and acceptance from anybody and in any way…No what I am beginning to see is a young women who has conquered what all the enemy has thrown at me to try to destroy me (thus far). I am a beautiful princess whom is adored by her father and I AM FORGIVEN!!! My prince on the white stallion was always there to rescue me; I was just blinded by sin so much that I could not see him!”

September 2010- This year has been full of heartache, trial, and change. But through it all God has been developing his character in me so that his love can flow freely through me. I hear his voice so clearly than ever before and I know that Greatness is ahead. I know that life will always have surprises and some of which will devastate, but I know in whom I trust to strengthen me in those times and love me with the fatherly love only he can.

Hi, my name is Sarah and I will be telling you about how the Lord Jesus protected me from the enemy with His wonderful powerful Word!

Basically, I was in my room and happened to be alone. Everyone had gone out and I was just pottering about, tidying things up.

Suddenly, I felt an ungodly presence in my house. I could feel something evil near me. I can’t describe the how horrible it was- there are no words to explain how wrong things felt. I was in my room and I felt as if there was someone walking along my hallway. Boy was I nervous!

I had been meditating on Psalm 91 for a long time, and thankfully, my bible was open in the exact place.

I started to say the psalm out loud, over and over again. As I continued to speak the words out loud, I felt more peace, safety and freedom.

The evil presence left! Just like that!

It is true! Jesus is the name above ALL names!

I would like to add before that day, I had never really experienced anything like that. Sure, everyone experiences evil presences but not as intense as that!!

I encourage anyone who has/is battling with evil spirits to use the Word of our God as a shield.

Psalm 91:4
“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you can hide. His truth WILL BE YOUR SHIELD and PROTECTION.”

Glory to God in the Highest!!! He saved me YET again!!!!

I know this testimony seems long, but if you have the time, please read it completely. Thanks!

Hi. My name is Raeann. I am a 16 year old girl that used to be extremely shy. I attend a relatively small church, and  in church I was usually just a spectator. I would never participate or worship God. The most I would do is clap; and even that was pushing limits for me. I was more than just quite. I was silent. I would not say a word to anyone when I was much younger. I would just smile when people talked to me , I would never answer them. I would nod my head when it was necessary when they asked me a question. I was so shy I wouldn’t even talk to my Aunt’s , Uncles, and cousins. Most of them never even knew what my speaking voice sounded like. My mom, dad , and brother were the only ones that knew how much I really talked , and when I got home I did talk a lot to them.

As time passed I slowly started to open up. I never even got close to being talkative, but I would at least talk. When I did begin to talk my voice was very quiet and to some people it seemed inaudible. Many nights I cried and asked God to free my from my fear and shyness. I thought it had such a strong grip on me. I was to the point that I hated being shy, it was almost like I was invisible. People would walk over me and I would never even stick up for myself. I had an extremely hard time in school due to my shyness.I felt almost as if it was a curse to be shy because I did not benefit anything from it. Well even still when I began to talk I still never worshiped in church. I began to realize my shyness was a bigger problem than I thought. I noticed that my shyness prevented my from worshipping my Lord and Savior. I knew something was wrong. I would get very nervous over the littlest things, like talking in front of a small group of people. That was my biggest fear; talking and being in front of large groups of people. I began to accept my shyness and I thought I would be shy and suffer from the affects of shyness for the rest of my life. But God had different plans for me! It all happened  on a day of church. I thought it would just be a normal service but it wasn’t. The service that day was pretty much based on worshipping God. I felt very uncomfortable because it seemed like everyone around me was worshipping Him, but I was not. The most I was doing was clapping my hands. I wanted to praise God, I longed to praise him but something was holding me back. I felt like I was just not capable of worship. It was as if something was holding my arms down and keeping my mouth shut. There was an alter call for people that felt that they were being bondaged by fear. I knew that I should go up, and I knew that fear was holding me back from praising God. I knew I should go up but I did not. I was even too fearful to go up. A few people went up and got prayed for , but not me; I was too afraid to go up. After the people were prayed for my pastor said now let’s all worship God. I now felt very uncomfortable because I was not praising God and I did not go up for the alter call when I knew I should have. Later on into the worship my pastor came to me and told me I should be worshipping God and praising his name, and that God wants me to praise him.

My heart began to beat rapidly as he walked away; my shyness was kicking in. I made an attempt to try clapping louder but I changed my mind. I still was not worshiping God. It just seemed too hard for me to do. I guess my pastor saw I still was not praising him and he came back to me. He asked me if I was a Christian and I replied yes I was. He then asked me why I was not praising God, and I truly did not have an answer, so I told him I did not know. He then told me he isn’t trying to scare me and he isn’t trying to say I have a demon, but he said that it was demonic. He said everyone should be able to worship God freely and if we can not there may be demonic activity is preventing us from doing that. He then asked  me to repeat some things after him such as , I break all generational curses, etc. After I repeated him he prayed for me. I do not remember exactly what he prayed but it was pretty much of  removing everything that was trying to come against me. As he prayed for me I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit. After he prayed, he said now go ahead Raeann, praise God. I took a deep breath and I began to open my moth to praise God. It was extremely hard for me, but I did open my mouth and I started saying I love you God I worship you; things like that. He then said keep going Raeann I believe God has a breakthrough for you in that area of worship. It was very hard for me and I still was not speaking loud but I was telling God I loved him , which I never did before in public. Not too long after worship simmered to a close.

The sermon began and I think it was something about freedom or worship. I thought God was finished with me, but he wasn’t. In the middle of the sermon my pastor turned to me and said Raeann God said you are a songbird. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, he was talking to me on the mike in front of the whole congregation. But one thing I actually was not feeling nervous as I normally would. Well he then went off to say that he saw me singing in front of many people and them falling under the anointing of God. I was amazed. No one had every heard me sing but my brother. I was ashamed to even sing in front of my parents. I knew I could sing but my fear always held me back. He then asked me to come up so that he could pray for me. He prayed for me and I felt God’s presence again. He then asked two ladies to come and minister to me. They came and started praying. One of the ladies asked me to raise my hands as if in full surrender. That was very uncomfortable for my shyness but I did anyway. I had my eyes snapped shut, then she said Raeann tell me when your ready to open your eyes. Right when I did open my eyes I started crying, and my cry very rapidly turned to a loud sob.

Then next thing I knew I was screaming to the top of my lungs. I did not realize I was screaming until I noticed I was on the floor. The ladies helped me up and then said that I needed to fill the empty spaces in me with the Holy Spirit. I got up lifted my hands and started shouting out the name of Jesus. I was yelling at the top of my lungs and then I started screaming again uncontrollably. Long story short, I was delivered. And I am here to tell you today that me, once a shy girl that did not say a word to almost anyone, is now in front of the congregation leading praise and worship with the praise team every Sunday. I am truly amazed by how powerful God is. I thought I would never be free,  but he freed me. He truly amazes me because even when you start to give up on God he will never give up on you. He loves us even if we run away from him.

At first it was hard for me to praise God, but obedience is very important. I praised Him even though it was extremely hard, and in return he consumed me with His love. His mercies are new every morning.GOD IS REAL. I thank him for all that He has done and all that he will do. I still face trials and tests from day to day with shyness( so please keep me in your prayers) but they are only making me stronger and equiping me for the things to come.I will trust in God and I know that I will soon fully jump in to all that he has called me to do with no fear. Greater things are yet to come.

No matter what age you are- young or old, no matter what sin you have committed or what you have done GOD LOVES YOU.I hope my testimony has blessed you, even if it is in the smallest way.

Thanks for reading!

Love, Raeann
Contact me by email: rmcampayne[at]yahoo.com

The one thing I really enjoy the most about being a self employed mechanic is the ability to be in tune with God or letting him do my scheduling. Not that that happens knowingly on a regular basis, but every once in a while I notice. There will be times that I don’t have anything scheduled and low and behold some righteous person will break down and need help. The Ultimate was this story. No fooling, I Didn’t make this up or add to it in any way.

It was a snowy day, visibility oh say a quarter mile. I decided this would be a miserable day to mechanic outside, Nobody’s in a bind that I know of so, I guess I’ll stay home and bug my wife. My wife didn’t have any plans either. We should have known something was up, because this never happens that both of us have a day to do nothing, no mater what the weather!

Sure enough the phone rings. It is an over the road trucking company saying they have a truck with air problems and out of fuel somewhere between Durango and Ridgeway, Can we help? Do you realize that’s 100 miles of the worst roads is the state and it’s a blizzard out there? Apparently not!

Have them call Bob’s. Bob’s is the local truck shop, he is better suited to repair an over the road problem { but he’s also the guy years ago that taut me two things, How to fix Trucks, and how to curse like a sailor, Not in Tune! }. Pretty quick they called again, Bob’s nor Vandegrift will help them, What now? Ok tell them to call a wrecker maybe in Montrose, We don’t even have snow tires on our service truck!

Again a while later the phone rings. They don’t know where he is, can’t get his cell phone to connect, the state highway won’t help and nobody will help them unless they locate the truck! We stared at each other for a moment and my wife said we will handle it, I’ll call you back and hung up the phone. Ok I said, I know the road, I plowed snow up there, but I also know how bad it can get. I also ain’t about to let someone freeze to death on that lonely mountain.

I grabbed the phone book and called the Cascade highway station, No answer. They’re all out plowing snow! I know I’ll call my old state highway partner in the Rockwood patrol station and asked him how come there’s nobody at Cascade station today. I got a hold of him and he said he would call them on the radio and have them call me back. I went out to the shop and loaded up the service truck with chains and empty 5 gallon cans. When I got back in the house the Cascade guy on patrol had talked to my wife and told her that there was a truck pulled off in the slide area past upper Lime creek corner and nobody was around when he checked, but he’s going to check again! Ok see ya! I’m coming too my wife said, I have a funny feeling about this!

We got in our coveralls and hit the road. We got a few breakfast sandwiches and coffee for the driver and 25 gallons of diesel in the cans and toped off the service truck with fuel in Durango, then headed up the mountain. It was slow going, more from visibility than anything, the snow wasn’t sticking to the road to bad. By the time we toped out Coalbank pass the snow had lighted up and it was beautiful. We found the truck right where the state employee had said.

A light snow was still falling as I pulled our truck in front of the 18 wheeler. He was loaded with rolls of steel, probably 82000 Gross weight on a flat deck. Kenworth with a condo sleeper. All listing to one side, he sure could have found a better place to park! I guess easterners don’t know about snow slide areas either! I Grabbed my cell phone and looked at it, No Signal! How on Gods green earth did this guy call for help from here?

I Rapped on the cab door, not knowing what to expect. Much to my surprise out of the sleeper and bounding out the door into the snow came a skinny black man with a great big smile in a tee shirt! A smile such that he was not concerned that he would freeze to death, but a smile like he had just jumped on stage for a tap dance routine! Sorry it took so long to get here, we drove 70 miles though the snow I said. That’s ok, I Knew you would come, He said. I gave him an inquisitive look, Not yet tuned into the scope of the situation. He said the plow driver stopped and told me you where coming, Ok then let’s get you some fuel and you tell me what happened. As I started pouring in the 25 gallons of diesel he told me he couldn’t find a station in Durango that would take his fuel card so he headed on his proscribed route though Silverton to Salt Lake city, figuring he could find some fuel. Then when he came down Coalbank Hill, he ran low on air so he pulled over to buildup air, then he ran out of fuel. I told him even this 25 gallons wasn’t enough fuel to get to the next fuel station, your aimed at the meanest 40 miles of road that you ever will see! With this weather we are going to turn you around and go back to Durango, I don’t care what your dispatcher said. I walked around the front of the truck and bled out the fuel lines to the filter, He jumped in the cab and with a little coaxing the 400 horse power roared back to life.

We all three jumped in his cab to warm up. In the drivers seat I looked down in the cup holder at his cell phone, the screen said searching for service. I asked, so you called for help this morning? Yes he said, I talked to my dispatcher when I woke up, but I didn’t have a signal before or since! A shutter went down my neck again. The truck had built up air so I jumped out and gave all the brakes a visual inspection for malfunction and adjustment. I walked up to the cab and told the driver to hold down the brake pedal so I could check for leaks. I walked and poked around but couldn’t find any air leaks to cause him to loose his air last night. I hopped back in the cab and told him everything checked out fine so we would get him turned around and follow him off the mountain and reached for the door handle. My wife { obviously more in tune than I was yet } said you ride with him, I’ll drive our truck. Ok, We might have to go to the top of Molas Pass to turn around with the snow. We all played musical chairs and got rolling, just around the corner, about a mile the driver and me decided we could turn around at a wide spot, but my truck was nowhere to be seen.

As we started down the mountain he shifted up to 5th gear. He had yet to turn on the jake brake, and the engine was starting to tach out. Turn your jake on, I said! But I don’t want to make a snowslide! He said. Your not the first truck to go over this mountain this winter, turn on your jake and I reached over and turned it on for him. He let it on for a few seconds and as my heart started up my throat he reached for the shifter, pulled the range lever up and started for the next gear. I yelled look, I’ve driven trucks a million miles back and forth over these mountains and with this load, trust me, this is the gear you want! He looked at me and started pumping the brakes the way I do if I’m wanting to drain the air to test the air system. I yelled again, What are you doing now? Let your feet off everything and relax, let the Jake brake do it’s job! I think he was mystified by the fact that he could actually descend a mountain so effortlessly.

When we got to the bottom of the hill, and I got my heart back in my chest I said where’s your CB radio? I need to call my wife and see where she is. He smiled at me, reached up on the dash, patted his open bible and said I don’t have one, this is all the communication I need! How could I have missed that! Suddenly this whole scenario made since! We where the hired angels for a change! That’s how he called for help! That’s why me and my wife instead of someone else had to rescue this guy, he would have been turned loose to kill somebody with his mountain driving skills!

On the way up Coal Bank pass I discussed the finer points of driving a truck in the mountains. Along with how I thought that God had pinched off his air line last night so he would stop. The decent of the north face of Coal Bank pass is a walk in the park compared to the road into Silverton. Steep road with hairpin corners towering over 500 foot cliffs, with decades of wrecked vehicles at the bottom! By the time we reached the summit he was a mountain man! He needed no new input from me to navigate that 18 wheeler off that 8% grade.

As we got off the steep part of the road it started to hit home with him to, He knew how in over his head he was last night! As we pulled up to the fuel station and set the brakes we both had tears streaming down our cheeks. He said your not going to send in a report on me so I get fired are you? I need this job! I grabbed him by the shoulder and said, This one’s between you, me and God! You’re ok now. Just remember what I taught you today. He said nobody had ever explained mountain truck driving to him, he just took it for granted.

The fuel station wouldn’t take his fuel card either so we bought him 500 dollars of diesel, Showed him on a map the best route to Salt Lake City and waved Goodbye. Some days are like that!
Being a God chaser is fun, I just need more days like that!