Testimony Share

God knows our problems before we even bring them to him! I had been quite down in the dumps about my back pain which I got from my job, but I never thought to ask God for healing, I just felt sorry for myself instead. One week I attended a huge Christian conference. At the end of it in the weekend I tried to get up on the Sunday morning before church and my back pain hurt more than ever. At the church service I was also sick with the ‘flu I had just caught and had to sit down the whole time wearily. Just then the speaker visiting from overseas said that about 30 people have just been instantly healed of back pain. Since then I have not had a single bit of pain in my back! Thank you Lord. Halelujah for his healing! The Lord is also currently healing me of my intermittent addiction to astrology, which I’ve had for over 15 years. This is my ‘giant’ but it doesn’t have authority over me. I am confident God will completely deliver me for good very soon. Amen - I love you Jesus - Lord of my life!

Psalm 23: 4

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.”

On Saturday, July 2, 2005, we noticed that our next door neighbors were moving back into their house. They had rented it out for a few months, until the renter had gotten called to active military duty. Naturally, we offered to help them move back in.

We had just finished unloading the trailer, and I was out of breath… Read the rest of this testimony »

I had a normal childhood up until a point. I went to grade school, came home and horsed around, and got into mischeif like most boys do when they are young.

When I was young, I remember throwing finger jello up on the ceiling. What surprised me was that it stuck.

In 1987, when I was 8yrs old, I could hardly wait for school to get out for the summer. When it did, I had fun like most kids do, that is until I started getting sick. For 2 weeks I had what my mom thought was the flu. The last and final symptom started the beginning of a change, not only in my life, but my family, friends, and my surrounding community.

 The final symptom was double vision.

I was taken to the community hospital in the city next to where I lived. An MRI was done and a brain tumor was revealed. I was then flown to a bigger hospital. During the flight I went into a seizure. Things were bad. I found out much later that I almost died during the helicopter ride. Once at the hospital I was rushed into emmediate surgery where a shunt was surgically placed against my skull to relese the fluid on my brain. 2 days late the tumor was removed.

I was then in remission for about 1 year. Then another tumor showed up in the same place.

This was when my parents  decided to take me Rochester, Minnesota for treatment. The Mayo Clinic and the biggest hospital in the world resides there, plus the hospital has a whole floor for kids with cancer.

I went through 1 year of alternating 2 week sessions of chemo therapy & radiation.

While on the cancer ward I made many friends my own age. What shattered me, was when one of them would die. This is when I would think that I would die too. Due to all of this I was tortured emotionally and this caused heartache and deep emotional scars.

This was so much to handle as a young child. I was only 9 years old at the time.

The chemotherapy that I was given was an extra strong dose. This was in order to kill the cancerous cells. This did not only take a toll on me physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

The chemo made me gain a lot of weight. Before the chemo I was skinny, and afterward I resembled the philsbury doughboy.

After the year of torture I went home and back to school. After all I had been through, you’d think I could catch a break. Once back to school I was relentlessly bullied about my weight. My self esteem was pounded on. There was a period where I cried begging my mom to let me stay home from school.

My last brain tumor was removed in 1997 towards the end of my senior year in high school. My last surgery changed my life for many reasons. The most important reason is because afterward, God revealed Himself to me.

After my last surgery I had a fealing like pins and needles were being stuck in and out of my feet. I had this fealing for 4 days and 5 nights. I got no sleep due to the pain.

During this time, 4 or 5 doctor’s examined me and they couldn’t figure out why this was going on. One of the doctors stated, “This goes down in the record book because we have never seen anything like this before”. Remember, this was the biggest hospital in the world.

On the fifth night of excruciating pain, I yelled out, “God take the pain away !”

Next thing I know, I was waking up. I was scared because I didn’t feal any pain in my feet. I swung my legs across the edge of my bed and put my feet about an inch or 2 above the floor. I was scared to put my feet down because I was afraid that the pain would come back. Thank God, it didn’t. I stood up and walked around because the pain was gone.

This was the 1st time God had touched my life, but I didn’t realize this until after I was saved. I was reading my Bible and God revealed to me Luke 5:17-26 Jesus Heals A Paralized Man. This passage is very similar to what happened to me.

I have learned that everything, good or bad, happens for a reason. Like up above, God performed a miracle in my life and now I use it to preach to people about what God is capable of doing for them.

Just because a miracle happened didn’t mean that everything was going to be perfect in my life.

After my last surgery, manaic depression took over my life. This caused me to go  in and out of phsych. wards for 3 years.

Thing got so bad that I attemptedd suicide. I ended up spending my 21st birthday in a phsych ward.

I am not crazy. I just had severe problems due to the after effects of everything.

When I was 22 or 23, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior and I was reborn. If you don’t know what being ‘reborn’ means, go to the book of John in the bible and this should help you.

At the present time I am on disability and unable to wotk, but God is using this to have me work for Him as an evangelist. For those who don’t know what an evangelist is, it is a person who tells others about Christ. I minister to churches, schools, and to individuals when the holy spirit moves me to. Presently God is using my gifts through the internet, as well as in other ways.

My family and I belong to a wonderful church. The name is Jenkins Memorial Church. The church’s mission is

To serve, teach, train and strengthen Christian character and conduct within our church and community

This is a wonderful medical, faith based miracle. In October of 2007 I was riding down the road feeling my swollen neck. Couldn’t see it just thought it was swollen. Something or someone was telling me that I need to get it looked at. I had been battling smoking and drinking for quite sometime and could not quit. Along with the intuition or the message from God that something was wrong with my throat I was experiencing chest pains. Bad enough that I would have to pull over and relax for 5-10 minutes to get the pain to go away. I went to the hospital that night. And like before they checked me out thoroughly. Primarily the heart. ALL tests came back OK. After a day or so of concern I would be back to smoking and drinking because, why not, these tests keep coming back OK. I admitted to GOD that I was powerless over the smoking and drinking and that I wished one of these tests would come back negative so as to change my life around in such a way I had no choice but to quit smoking and drinking. (Be careful what you wish for because God does hear your prayers) The prior day when I was riding down the road feeling my neck I did make the phone call to my doctor. I went in to see her and she could not see down in the throat very far without a laryngoscope. My primary doctor sent me to a Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor. This doctor did use the laryngoscope and went down into my throat and took a look. My wife was sitting there with me. As he finished the examination he explained that I had a growth so large it covered the whole airway and that he did not know how I was breathing. I asked him point blank if it was cancer. His response was “It looks like a duck” From the saying if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it probably is a duck. He was telling us softly that I had Cancer.

My new Ear, Nose and Throat doctor started assembling a team of doctors. The first one was the Director of Medical Oncology at a local Baltimore Cancer Center. He also looked at the growth and conferred it looked like Cancer. From here I saw two other doctors one was a surgeon to put in a plug and a port I think they called it. One was an object they were going to put under the skin in the shoulder blade area. It was where the needles go. I would have so many needles for chemotherapy and blood taken etc. that they give you this thing so you don’t have to have your veins wore out over the months of needles. The same surgeon was to work with a Gastroenterologists and install a feeding tube. With Cancer in the throat I would not be able to eat. The procedure was somewhat involved. The surgeon would make an incision and pass thru to the Gastroenterologist working on the inside what he needed to attach the feeding tube to my stomach and sew it up. This Cancer TEAM was still being put together, next I went to the Oral Surgeon. I was there for him to check me out and inform me that my teeth needed to all be pulled. Too close to the throat are the teeth. They would not survive the radiation treatments. You have to pull them in advance and let the gums heal because when you start putting all that radiation in your mouth and teeth start falling out you can get real sick if radiation enters the tooth sockets where a tooth fell out. Last but not least I saw the Radiation doctor, he too very experienced in the Cancer Center as the the Primary Radiation Oncologist. We had a great team being put together that is for sure.

Here is what I think is a very important part of seeing GOD work a miracle. You have to have great faith. Being as I knew that GOD was answering my request. I asked him to give me a negative test that would ultimately change my life and I would have no choice but to stop smoking and drinking. Since he was giving me what I asked for I had faith that he is a loving GOD and was not going to end my life on earth at this point but give me the challenge I asked for and give me the option of succumbing to it and failing or facing it head on, overcoming the challenge and winning in the end. I truly believed this is what GOD was doing (I had absolute faith). When I prayed at church, (we have a beautiful Church that studies GODS word and prays to GOD.) I prayed from the very beginning for my wife. I was either praying after the men’s breakfast or after church service. When I walked up to my fellow church family who knew my predicament I would tell them before we started praying that I did not want to pray for myself but for my wife. They ultimately prayed for me also. But my faith was that I knew I would be OK (if I followed the path GOD wanted me to and the way he wanted me to) so I prayed for the comfort of others around me that might be effected. As I went from doctor to doctor of my 6 man doctor team getting ready for these procedures I had this great faith and in return GOD kept me calm and comforted.

Came time for the first surgery. I knew I was in GODS hands, this is where he started showing it to other people around me. I made an appointment with my two Pastors at my church. Jenkins Memorial Church in Pasadena, Maryland. I wanted to sit down with them and discuss where I was with my spirituality. I was fairly knew in my walk towards living a better christian life and I had some questions. The surgeries and procedures I faced were large and unpredictable. My Pastors are very special. They answered my questions, discussed my spirituality. They didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear they told me what I needed to hear. They also wanted me to pray in the sanctuary with a Wednesday Bible Study Group that was having class. They took me into the sanctuary and explained what was going on with me, that I had throat cancer and that I was heading to the hospital when I left the church to have surgery. In the sanctuary of a wonderful church, with great Pastors and great people blessed by GOD. They prayed for me. They had me surrounded like a loving animal in the wild protecting her young. They each laid a hand on me and they prayed. The prayers were honest and proper. The prayers were presented to our awesome GOD properly and respectfully by two great Pastors and the men and women praying prayed sincerely from the bottom of their hearts. I felt the presence of the LORD in that sanctuary.

I left and went to the hospital. I still had (and do to this day) this overwhelming faith that everything was going to be fine while walking through the front door of the hospital. I had the same faith that this was all GOD giving me what I asked for (negative tests that would force me to make life changing decisions) and I had just left my church with the reassurance of the prayers my Pastors and church family had just prayed.

The next sign of GOD. When I left the church I went home and picked up my wife and we headed for the Cancer Center (which is at the hospital) for an appointment I had the same day as surgery to see the Medical Oncologists (chemotherapy doctor at the Tate Cancer Center.) When I walked into the Cancer Center the first person we saw was a young lady named Courtnee a fellow member of our church. How nice to see a familiar face. We had no idea she worked there. I think GOD put her there to comfort me. When I left this appointment we went into the hospital and the area that you get ready for surgery. This nurse comes thru the door. The nurse is also a fellow member of our church. Her name is Brenda. Before this time I did not even know she was a nurse or that either one of these special women worked at the hospital where I was at. What a great feeling. I found out later that she rotates from department to department. She could have been scheduled in any number of departments other than this one. I think GOD put her there to comfort me. At this point I am thinking “Everywhere I look in my community I see my churchs’ (Jenkins Memorial) footprint. My Pastors pray for me while in the preparation room before I go into surgery.

I get wheeled into surgery, now I am completely in the hands of GOD! My faith is so strong at this point. I have peace with GOD, peace with myself and my wife and kids, peace with my church, church family and Pastors. I am at PEACE. At this point this surgery was no more important or dramatic than a carpal tunnel surgery. I am not nervous, I am not thinking about Cancer or survival. My faith has me at total peace. The first surgery (of 4 so far) they went in, took a look around and took 12 samples (biopsy). The results come back as negative for cancer. Had two doctors who deal with this all the time look at this growth at point blank range and called it cancer. One of the doctors the director and head of his field at a major Cancer Center outside Baltimore, Md. They went as far as to set up a 6 man medical team with each of them having various duties. Some of these doctors may have been present in the operating room on stand by to install some work they needed installed to go forward with the part of the procedures that would be theirs. This was a Wednesday. I remember the statement being made between Wednesday and Saturday sometime that this is the most I have ever seen someone awake while hooked up to a ventilator. I also was suffering from pneumonia. I was at peace, I was not scared, I had FAITH, I was in GOD’s hands. They tried desperately not to put a tracheotomy in and decided not to during the first surgery. Sometime between Wednesday and Saturday they decided they had to go back in and put the tracheotomy in which was not a good thing because I had just had surgery and was weak and I had pneumonia. I was having a hard time breathing and was actually turning blue during that night before. The anesthesiologist actually had a conversation with my wife to inform her that with the state of my breathing that there was a chance I would not survive. Not only did I survive the surgery, but they took 6 more biopsy samples. The next sign from GOD! … The doctors could not find the cancer they were perplexed. They put the tracheotomy in so that I could breath. I woke up and recovered. Those 6 more biopsy samples came back as negative for cancer. During the two weeks I was in the hospital they had a lot of doctors trying to figure out where the cancer went to and what was going on in my body. They even had a doctor there from the CDC (center for disease control) taking tests. This testimony is about the signs of GOD. But I will give one example of each stay in the hospital that was a trial and tribulation to get through so those of you that read this do not lose track of the pain and suffering we sometimes have to go thru to get to the successes on the other side. I had a 2-3 day period with NO SLEEP. (that doesn’t mean hard time sleeping that means NO SLEEP. I was so tired!.) My neck was so sore. It was an aching pain. No matter what I did and no matter what drugs they tried (including Morphine and Diladid) the ache in my neck which was severe was there to stay. Believe me we tried the strongest of everything. You could have flown in a pillow from a King somewhere, anywhere in the world made from the finest linens and stuffed with the finest of material, when I sat my head in it my neck had excruciating pain. I think it was a combination of many things. I had a tracheotomy in the front of my neck so that I am sure weakened my neck muscles. Also it had taken away structurally part of my neck, (a hole right in the front.) They must have had my head and neck in numerous positions while in surgery and the toll a hospital bed will take on your body doesn’t help. So that two - three day period with neck pain that wouldn’t quit and NO SLEEP was part of the pain I would have to go thru to get to the other side of this ordeal. I was discharged on November 20, 2007 thirteen days after surgery and was able to spend Thanksgiving with my family. What a blessing from GOD!

The next surgery was December 12, 2007. Again I go into get ready for surgery and who is there. My friend from church that is a nurse. Her husband, also a big part of my church family. My pastors prayed for me again. During the prayer my pastor prayed for God to guide the hands of the surgeon. The surgery went well. Here is the trials and tribulation section of this surgery. When I woke up in ICU my throat was packed with gauze. This was to protect against bleeding. If I were to start bleeding in my throat it’s a hard place to get to and they may not be able to stop the bleeding in time. The tough part was that there was a piece of the gauze coming up out of my throat, threw my mouth and hanging outside my mouth with a bite down piece. This is so the gauze can be pulled out later. The only problem is the piece of gauze coming out of my mouth is passing thru the GAG zone, … constantly. It was so bad the nurses were suffering with me. They called my doctor to see if there was anything they could do for me. He said absolutely not, if you feel like it you can sit with him and comfort him and turn up the sedation. I respect his decision, he made a professional decision to keep me alive instead of an emotional decision. (Just like my Pastors did for me, he told the nurses what they needed to hear not what they wanted to hear.) Here is your next presence of GOD! The doctor came in 4-5 days later. He looked in my throat with the scope and while he was looking around he said twice. “WOW”. Now WOW can be interpreted two ways. Either positive or negative. He was using it as a positive. He told me that my air way was clear from one side to the other. He told me that the epiglottis which was leaning over was now standing up. With the WOW’s and the way he was talking it was like he could not believe what he was looking at. He was amazed at the work that was done. Of course he was. It was the Pastor’s prayer that asked for GOD to guide the hands of the surgeon. The surgeon was saying WOW while he was admiring GOD’s work. He also told me that they had taken large amounts of material that they had removed and sent it to the MAYO CLINIC. These doctors after 16 BIOPSIES are still trying to figure where the Cancer went to. The test results from the MAYO CLINIC came back as negative … NO CANCER!. I was discharged on December 17, 2007. Think about it 4 major surgeries starting November 7th thru January 23rd. I was discharged in time to celebrate Thanksgiving between the 2nd and 3rd surgery and I was discharged in time to celebrate Jesus Birthday between the 3rd and 4th surgery. I have been carried safely in GODS hands the whole way!

These are the exact words I wrote to one of my Pastors trying to understand this situation. Since I sent the last email I have been thinking even more about this subject. Why did the doctor say wow twice during my examination? Shouldn’t he already know what to expect. Or at least have an idea of what the expected range of success or failure should be. If what he saw was within these normal parameters why the Wow? Especially why Wow! twice? He must have been looking at something amazing? Something he didn’t expect? Something outside the parameters he expected? Maybe he was so amazed at what God could do using his hands. Think about it, why the Wow!?

As I started to realize what has been happening (that I was experiencing GOD first hand) I did not understand completely. As we have a great church at Jenkins Memorial we also have great Pastors. I asked my Pastor of what a testimony was and how and what God expected of me. Here is his response to me;

The word you are looking for is testimony. When someone has a personal encounter with the Lord they have a story to tell. That story is called a testimony. You have had that kind of encounter with him. He has healed you in a way that surprised even the doctors. I believe that He has healed you with His almighty power and because of that, you have a testimony. Testimonies need to be shared. They encourage other Christians in their walk. It demonstrates God’s unlimited power and love for each of us. It lets people know that He can and will perform miracles - not just in the Bible- but in everyday life. Testimonies can be about healing, about God meeting someones needs, how God used them to help others, or how God brought them to Jesus. Testimonies are also important for non-Christians as they can see that He is alive and well and working in the lives of those who love Him. I wanted to share yours with the Bible study group to help strengthen and encourage them in their walk. This is something that happened to someone just like them, not someone far away that they might read about or someone in scripture. This is real life and with someone they prayed over. Just reading the words is one thing, but actually living through it (which they have done with you) is much more powerful. You have a testimony and the Lord expects you to share it with others whenever you have the opportunity.

The next surgery was not scheduled until January 23, 2008. Two weeks later December 31, 2007 I was doing great and had my strength back. I had 3 weeks to go before my next scheduled surgery. I got permission from my doctor to work light duty at work. I am the General Superintendent of a major construction company in the Washington DC area. I had the ability to organize men, materials at work. Attend meetings etc. without physical exertion. I also had a lot of people that know me and knew what I was going through. They were and are getting my testimony first hand while they see me back at work talking about it. It was great to get back to work.

The previous surgery (#3) the surgeon was taking large amounts of material out. He said he was in the mowing mode.

We now go in to the hospital again for surgery #4. This time my angel nurse is not working BUT she was there to see me get checked in. My two Pastors were both there to pray for me. We all prayed for GODS will to be done and for GOD to guide the hands of the surgeon. I remember going into the operating room. Again I was so confident and filled with faith. I scooted off the gurney onto the operating table with that same faith as day one. When I woke up I was again in the ICU unit. I had a particular nurse that kept saying to me every time she came into my room you really don’t need to be in here. She really had an attitude. The next day they discharged me from the ICU unit right out the front door of the hospital. As I was being wheeled out I turned the corner with my wife by my side being pushed by a nurse and we come face to face with one of our Pastors. Being checked out of ICU the day after surgery saved the insurance company $5000, getting home and back to work a week sooner $1000, the look on my Pastors face seeing me being wheeled out of the hospital from ICU priceless.

I went to my doctor for him to see me, it was 6 days after this surgery. These office visits are particularly friendly and upbeat. They treat me well. I thank them often and I am sure they realize that something special has taken place on their watch. He used a procedure called Coblation this time. The reason for the Coblation was to not have to cut anymore with the scalpel (cut down on bleeding either during surgery or after) and to not have to use too much heat. He was getting close to being done and this growth was on the base of my tongue. If you damage the tongue it can be devastating as the tongue is involved in many things including speech and eating. The procedure was scheduled for one hour. It ended up being three hours. The coblation wand is held in position for 10-15 seconds at a time while the doctor is using it to remove tissue. This is something they use now a days for tonsillectomys. 10-15 seconds at a time, he was in there for 3 hours. He said to me ” I do not know how I did it, I should have a pinched nerve holding onto that wand for 3 hours” Our Pastors, Our Church, Our church family, my wife and I have been praying each time to have GOD guide the hands of the doctor. Do you think maybe GOD was holding the hands of this doctor for 3 hours? I do!

I have one more example of God’s work. This testimony is getting long. It could be longer. This particular time, place, story is so packed with the presence of GOD it could go on forever. After this last surgery I was checked out so early. I was checked out the very next day out of ICU. I went to a men’s breakfast at church, it was about 1 1/2 days after getting out of the hospital. After all I have been through I really enjoy hearing the word of GOD and the discussions about the word of GOD among other people. So I was kind of quiet, minding my own business listening to everyone else. The guest speaker had heard about my situation and asked me to speak of my testimony. He caught me by surprise, I was still on pain medicine, still had some good pain working in the throat and was totally not ready to participate. I stood up started my story at surgery #4 and being checked out of ICU 2 days earlier and then ran out of story. Luckily one of my fellow church family stood up and filled everyone in with a more complete version of what I had been through. I felt as though I had failed at spreading the word of my testimony, I felt as though I had failed that Saturday morning. The next morning in church I prayed that GOD would help me to be able to share my testimony with people properly. Sometime before, during or after that service I heard that one of our fellow church family was in the hospital. I decided that I needed to go visit someone in the hospital. My family and I had so much Love and Concern given to us while I was in the hospital. I went to visit this person and it was the visit that was on my mind, not a testimony as I knew this person already and they knew my story already. When I get there we had a nice visit. His wife were there. His son was also there visiting and he was in a double room, his room mate was there. This friend of mine looked at me and said “Ken will you share your story” I shared my story and it went very well.” I prayed that morning for GOD to help me to be able to share my testimony properly and that afternoon I was! GOD sure is GREAT isn’ he!

Also I will leave with this. I started this testimony out with a statement that I was witnessing the presence of GOD and my church all thru our community. First he put a young lady and a young nurse and her husband in plain view along the road between myself and the unknown. Then, when I stumbled (in my eyes) at that men’s breakfast where I thought I had failed to give my testimony properly God gently nudged me in the right direction to go visit a fellow church family member. While visiting this person God let this room mate hear the story of GOD and Jenkins Memorial. Our church recently did some upgrading inside the church and we had some old pews that went to another church. The room mate is a member of the church that our pews went to.

GOD is there, reach out to him, talk to him, ask for his help, do what he says and have the faith, do not waiver … And he will Bless You!

Written on October 12, 2007

I was raised in a Christian family, and when I turned 4, I went to Sunday school every week for about 6 or 7 years before stopping. I guessed I believed in God, but since I was too young, I didn’t have a real relationship with Him, and I didn’t really understand Him or know Him. It was an easy decision to quit at the time, since they made us move from a classroom setting to a more formal setting, and I didn’t like that. My parents didn’t force me to go, but I followed them to the adult worship service instead. We then gradually stopped going to church. The summer before my first year of high school, we had to move, and we stopped completely. Now I’ll have to explain my depression. We always thought my mom had good hearing, because she heard things that me and my dad could never hear. When I was younger, she “heard” my aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends talking about her, and my dad would always say, “your mom has good hearing”. And I believed that she heard the things she heard, and I believed my dad. In grade 5, after my grandmother had a stroke, I started to develop a stutter. My stuttering got worse in grade 10. And it wasn’t until grade 10, thanks to my Psych/Socio/Anthro class, I finally realized my mom had schizophrenia, and still does to this day. She doesn’t take medication because she can’t and won’t admit that she’s mentally ill. We argued often (we still argue now, but not nearly as much). I decided that I didn’t believe in God. Because of my stutter, I had no friends, and because of my mom’s schizophrenia, I seriously contemplated suicide. Evanescence made me change my mind (about suicide, NOT about God). (as a Christian, the song Tourniquet has a similar, but different meaning to me now, if that makes sense. A lot of songs in general have a different meaning to me now, actually.) 

[fast forward to college years] 

I found it easier to make friends in college, but I still didn’t have very many. In the second month of my second year at college, my grandma passed away, and my stuttering became worse, but didn’t affect my friendships. 

[last year – March 2006] 

MTV Canada is re-launched. (read on). 

[last year – Summer 2006] 

Watched Cheyenne Kimball’s show on MTV, became a fan, and joined a forum. I made 2 friends there, one who I still talk to, and one who I don’t anymore (I won’t get into the details). I joined MySpace, and met a girl named Amy there, who, as of this posting, I’m still friends with. 

[more recent months - not necessarily in chronological order, but tried my best]

 She knew I liked female-fronted bands, so she recommended Paramore and Flyleaf to me, and sent me some of their stuff. At first I didn’t like them, but Paramore grew on me, and I became a huge fan after hearing Misery Business, and downloaded all of their stuff. Amy sent me one of her own songs, and I told her that she sounded like Lacey (lead singer of Flyleaf), so that inspired me to listen to them more, and they grew on me big time. I decided that I needed help with my depression/stuttering, so I went to see a psychiatrist, and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I saw Flyleaf at the Family Values Tour, and became a huge fan. 

[August 2007 / September 2007 – not necessarily in chronological order, but tried my best]

 I’m not sure when Amy sent their stuff to me, but I had been holding off on listening to Aly & AJ. When I listened to them, I let them grow on me, downloaded all of their older stuff, and became a huge fan (I know I use that word too much). I decided to take a short break from MySpace, starting from August 15^th. That “short break” became longer, and longer. I found out that Aly & AJ were Christian. They were the third openly Christian band I got into (Evanescence doesn’t count, IMO, and definitely not Avril). That made me question my agnosticism.  I had thought Christians, or religious people in general, were kind of stupid, but now I think differently. I then read up on C.S. Lewis, and found out that he converted to Christianity from atheism, so I thought, “if he can do it, I can do it too.” I was already depressed, and had suicidal thoughts (as usual, and for the same reasons I mentioned earlier), so I prayed before going to bed, and asked God to show me that He was real. When I woke up, my entire field of vision was covered with flashes of light. And when I looked to the left, I saw a blanket, or a sheet, of bright light. I was scared. I couldn’t see properly. My parents took me to the hospital. The doctor told me that he didn’t know what was wrong, and he scheduled an appointment for me to see a specialist the next day. The specialist referred me to another specialist. He showed me He was real. I was converted. The next Sunday, I went to church for the first time in approximately 8 years (and continued to go every week, and still do). During the sermon, I noticed that my vision had improved. My eye started slowly getting better. I prayed almost everyday (currently, I pray EVERYDAY, not almost). During my extra-long MySpace hiatus, I was compelled by the Holy Spirit to learn, read, and research as much as I could about God, Jesus, Christianity, and how to get closer to Him and please Him. I learned A LOT, but I still haven’t learned as much as I wanted to.  I plan to read the Bible from cover to cover. By the time I saw the specialist, my eye was A LOT better, and he told me that he expected a full recovery. I’ve regained almost 100% of my vision, and I have God to thank for that. God answered my prayer. He chose to answer it with a test, a trial, a suffering, because He knew that it would draw me closer to Him. He knows each one of us best, even better than we know ourselves. God hears the prayer of everyone, even agnostics and atheists. It only takes a small amount of faith for prayer to be heard. Vision is something that people take for granted, and I’ve learned not to take anything or anyone for granted. I have learned that out of every bad thing comes a good thing, even though it may not be clear. I have made my decision to devote my life to God, and to do everything to please Him. God has been planting seeds in my life since the moment I was born, those seeds eventually led me to Him, and each one of them have been explained in this testimony. Nothing I mentioned here happened by coincidence. My mom still has schizophrenia, but the Bible teaches patience. I still stutter, but I’ve become less depressed, less alone, more hopeful, more optimistic, and more thankful.  

Out of every bad thing comes a good thing, and I plan to overcome my stuttering and depression with God’s help.

My name is Nikole Gill and my husband Tom and I have been blessed with 7 beautiful children. Hope Danielle - 12, Amber Grace - 11, Joy Noelle - 10, Bethany Faith - 7, David Josiah - 4, Rachel Honor - 2 1/2, and Ramah Mercy - 1 year. I pray that as you read this Jesus will bring joy and hope to your heart. After all, it is all about Him.

It was February, 2005. Tom had been invited to preach at a church in Tampa, Fl. We had just had our 6^th child, Rachel, so we decided to take the whole family and make it a long awaited vacation. We considered all of the children to be wonderful travel companions and although the new baby was only 6 weeks old, she would be no exception. Tom and I and the children packed up the Suburban and headed to Tampa with great anticipation. Our first eleven days were wonderful. We went to the beach nearly every day and even had the opportunity to take a boat out on the ocean. We were also able to visit the Tampa Aquarium. We had spent 11 days there and were in the process of packing to leave for home when Rachel, then 7 weeks old developed a low grade fever. She had been congested a few days prior to this, so when she got the fever I was a little concerned. I called her pediatrician back in Ohio and he told me that, with her being so young, if her fever went above 100.4 degrees that she would need to be seen by someone that could treat her. Saturday morning, March 12, her fever was 102. She had no other symptoms. She was such a good baby, she hardly ever cried. The only thing that might possibly have been abnormal was the fact that she slept a lot. But most newborns do, so it really hadn’t concerned me all that much.

Following the orders of our pediatrician, Tom and I took her to the All Children’s Hospital Emergency Room in St. Petersburg. There, after several hours, they diagnosed her with RSV Bronchiolitis and opted to keep her overnight for observation. I remember sitting in the ER holding her, looking at her beautiful little face, and noticing that the area around her eyes and nose appeared bruised. When I questioned the nurse about it, she told me that it may be due to the RSV. Nothing else was said about it. On Sunday they released her when all of her tests came back normal. Sunday night, back at the hotel, we noticed that her right eye began to swell a little and the fever still had not dissipated. By Monday morning her eye was completely swollen shut and extremely red and puffy. She had the best disposition, but she was still sleeping a lot. We were supposed to leave the next morning (Tuesday, March 15) to come home to Ohio. I called her pediatrician back to see what they recommended that we do since our trip home would take a couple of days. He told me to take her back to the ER so that they could examine her again. Tom and I had NO idea that she was as sick as we were about to find out.

Back in the ER at All Children’s Hospital they drew blood and performed a CAT scan. During this time Tom and the other children were preparing to check out of the hotel where we were staying because we were scheduled to leave the next morning. The CAT scan results came back and showed an abscess behind Rachel’s right eye and severe sinusitis. The doctor said that Rachel needed to be in the hospital for 3 days so that they could treat her with IV antibiotics. I remember thinking, “WOW, 3 days. OK, Tom will need to look for another hotel and everything will be fine.” So that’s exactly what he did. He moved a little closer to the hospital and although we were all ready to head home, we were determined to make the best of the situation. Tom and I both figured that if God had allowed this to happen, there was someone that must have needed to hear about Jesus. We began to ask people to pray for Rachel and the whole situation in general. We trusted that God had everything taken care of back home with the church, so we were able to focus our attention on Rachel. I am so thankful that God gives us such wonderful family and friends within the body of Christ and that our needs are always met. They admitted Rachel to the hospital and I was able to stay with her and Hope, Amber Grace, Joy, Faith and David stayed with Daddy.

Tuesday morning the doctor came in and said that the news was worse than they had originally thought. After further reviewing the CAT scan they discovered that the cell tissue behind Rachel’s eyes, both of her ears and the bones behind her ears were all severely infected. The diagnosis was bilateral postseptal cellulitis with abscess, bilateral middle ear and mastoiditis, severe sinusitis and RSV bronchiolitis. She also said that they needed to do a spinal tap to check for meningitis and to make sure that the infection wasn’t in her brain.

The doctor said that they would need to begin radical antibiotic treatment and we would need to make arrangements to stay in St. Pete for at least 3 weeks. I remember praying, “God, I just need to call my husband. I need him here with me.” I asked the doctor if there was any way that we could get her to Children’s Hospital in Columbus without jeopardizing her health and they told me that the infection was so severe that if she were to travel, she would die. The doctor left and I immediately called Tom. I stood there, looking out Rachel’s hospital room window, and staring at the palm trees I could hardly speak to give my husband this seemingly horrible news. He prayed for her, and he just kept saying, “She’s going to be OK, Jesus will take care of her.” His strength in Christ was tremendous. We have always balanced each other out so well. And now, when I was so weak, God gave Tom enough strength for both of us. However, I still felt as if I were standing in the middle of a nightmare. We’ve always trusted that God would get us through any situation and He ALWAYS has. But this was something that we had never experienced before and I could literally feel my faith being tested. It took a little time, but I finally regained my composure. All I could do was pray. As a mom you usually feel like you should be able to help your children through any trouble that they bring to you, in Jesus’ name. I must admit, I’ve put on my referee outfit many, many times. But this was one situation that I had absolutely no control over. It had to be Jesus. It’s all about Him anyway. The first Scripture that came to my mind was Psalm 118:17 “(Rachel) shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord!” They had some trouble getting an IV into Rachel because her veins are so tiny, but when they finally did, they began giving her fluids because she was not eating well and they hooked her up to oxygen and heart monitors. She looked so pitiful. There’s something about having your baby hooked up to all that STUFF that makes you feel completely helpless. They performed the spinal tap on Tuesday and after 48 hours everything came back clear. Thank God! People all over the world were praying for her. And now we were praying that somehow God would make a way for us to get her home to Columbus.

For the first time in two day’s I got to spend some time with my other babies. I was so glad to see them. Tom stayed with Rachel so I could see the others because they weren’t allowed in her room. When I came back into Rachel’s room that day I leaned my head down in her bed and called her name. She turned her head to look at me and when she saw me, she gave me the biggest smile. It was so special to me because that was the first time she had smiled since she was born. My heart leaped for joy! It was as if she was saying, “Mommy, it’s ok. I’m going to be fine.” Meanwhile, Tom had started to make arrangements at home for church and everything. God took care of it all. We even had people offer to drive/fly down to Florida to help with the kids so that Tom and I could be with Rachel. Having our family separated was very difficult. We do almost everything together, but the kids were absolutely wonderful and the older ones were so understanding. They were praying very hard for their baby sister. Thursday was a very good day! Although they had to pull the IV from her foot and insert a midline catheter in her little head, Rachel was responding well to antibiotics and the swelling in her eye was almost gone. Now the doctors were a little more optimistic about us flying her to Children’s in Columbus. That boosted our hopes tremendously! They told us to begin to check into it, but that she would need to be at All Children’s through the weekend.

By Friday night the doctors had agreed to allow Rachel to fly home with me and we immediately began to make arrangements. She was doing so well, eating better, staying awake longer, no fever, no swelling. God was answering our prayers in the way that we had hoped He would. Tom and I were taking turns staying at the hospital. It was so nice to be able to spend time with Hope, Amber, Joy, Faith and David, but Tom and I struggled, being apart from each other. God, however, was using this situation to make our marriage stronger as well. It is so hard to be apart from the one that you love, especially when that someone is your best friend. Thank God that He is the cord that binds us together; even when we’re apart. Tom is everything in a husband and father that I could ask for.

By Saturday everything was about ready for us to fly home. We had purchased a plane ticket and the doctors were making arrangements for Rachel to be accepted at Children’s Hospital in Columbus. Rachel had another CAT scan. They said that obviously the antibiotics were working since the swelling in her eye was gone, and that the abscess behind her eye was shrinking, however, there was no significant change with all the infection. They said that we needed to get her straight to Children’s Hospital on Monday when we got home so that they could continue IV antibiotics right away. Rachel was released from All Children’s Hospital in St. Petersburg, FL on Monday morning and we went straight to Tampa Airport for Rachel and I to make our flight home. Tom was going to drive home with the other children and it would take a couple of days to get there.

So, we anxiously fought the morning rush hour traffic to get to Tampa Airport. Tom pulled up outside the door and dropped me off to check in. He went to look for a place to park and said he would bring Rachel and the others in himself. I got into the LONG check in line and as I was waiting, Tom called me on my cell phone. He told me that he was going to have to drive around until I got checked in because he couldn’t park the Suburban with the kid’s toy 4 wheeler on top of the car. The ceilings in the parking garage were too low and he couldn’t get through. We agreed that we would say our goodbyes outside since he wouldn‘t be able to park the car. Moments later he called me back and said, “Look toward the front door. Do you see a black man with dred locks, wearing a green security jacket?” “Yes“, I answered. “Well, wave to him because he’s looking for you.” So I stood there in the midst of the crowded airport, waving my arms frantically, trying to get the attention of the security guard. He motioned for me to come to the front of the line and proceeded to have me checked in right away. I thanked God for His favor and called Tom back on his cell phone and before I could tell him that I was finished checking in he excitedly said, “have a seat and wait there because were coming in.” I was so relieved. Now we would have that much more time together before Rachel and I went through to security. I sat down and it didn’t take long before Tom and the children approached me with tears in their eye’s. Tom said, “You’re not going to believe what just happened out there!” He went on, “You know that security guy? Well, I was driving around in circles when he stepped out in front of the car, stopping all of the traffic behind me, and motioned for me to pull to the side of the road. When I pulled over, he came to the window and asked, “Brother, what is it that you need?” Tom’s reply was, “I need a place to park my car. My baby is sick and she and my wife are flying home to Ohio this morning.” “That’s going to be taken care of” the man said. “What do you need?” Tom thought for a moment. “We need prayer to get home safely.” “No, no, no, that’s gonna happen. What do you need?” The man asked again. Tom said he thought harder as lots of little things entered into his mind, money, food, peace. The man looked at Hope in the front seat of the car and asked her, “Honey, what do you need?” Hope replied, “We need to get home.” “That’s gonna be taken care of” he said again. He pressed Tom once more, “Brother, what do you NEED?” Tom’s immediate response was “We need Rachel healed”! “Ahhhh”, replied the man, brilliantly smiling and nodding his head. “It’s done. Your daughter is healed.” He and Tom prayed for Rachel completely believing that God was able. Tom said that it was one of those situations where there was no need to explain to the guy what to pray for. He already knew what God was doing, we just needed to agree. He finished praying, then he said, “Now, go do what you’ve gotta do.” He put a tag on our car so that Tom could leave the car there and he came inside the airport. After we said goodbye, Tom went back to the car with the kids and he met the security guard again. Tom had some money that he wanted to give the guy to bless him (that’s just the way Tom is), but the guy refused to take it. The security guard said, “Isn’t it amazing that God let me live this long, to be at this particular place at this particular time, just to serve you?” Tom had been the recipient of a truly humbling experience. God is so amazingly good!

Rachel and I made it to Columbus almost effortlessly. Waiting there for us were my mother and stepfather, two friends from the Worthington Fire Dept. (to escort us safely to the hospital) and unknown to me; a pediatrician that was planted on the plane just for Rachel in case anything went wrong. God is soooo amazingly good!!!

We arrived at the Columbus Children’s Hospital Emergency Room at 2:30pm and waited unexpectedly for 6 1/2 hours. We were supposed to be pre-admitted but something went wrong and we were told to wait. God had a purpose for that too, because we were able to witness to a couple of ladies and pray with a mother whose baby was also sick. We were finally admitted and the nurses immediately tried to get an IV into Rachel, but were unsuccessful. As a matter of fact they were unsuccessful all 5 times that they tried over a period of about 9 hours. They never did get an IV in her at all.

I kept communicating with Tom and the kids as they drove home. That was so rough. We still were not together physically, but Spiritually we never left each other at all.

Tuesday the doctor came in with his entourage of interns and examined Rachel and asked me a million questions about her diagnosis and treatment she received at the hospital in Florida. He kept saying to me, “She looks fine! I just can’t believe that all of this is wrong with her.” My reply was always, “Yes, from the outside she looks wonderful. It’s what’s on the inside that concerns me.” My pediatrician had assured me that this doctor was one of the best Infectious Disease doctors in the state of Ohio, so I had complete confidence that they would do whatever needed to be done to help Rachel. However, I kept thinking to myself, “If they just do a CAT scan so they could see for themselves.” Suddenly, not as though I had forgotten, God reminded me of the words of the security guy at the airport. “It’s done.” Now I just needed confirmation that she truly was healed. Tom never doubted for a second that God had already healed her. I didn’t want to doubt, but I admit that I did struggle to believe.

The doctor did order another CAT scan, and once again they couldn’t get an IV in her. Looking back I know that that was God’s way of saying, “She’s not going to need an IV.” The other doctors were telling me that if this summary (from Florida) was correct, she may need to be kept in the hospital for four to six more weeks. Waiting overnight for the CAT scan results made us about crazy. When the doctor’s came in the next day (Wednesday) with the results I thought I was going to need resuscitation. All eight of them stood before me smiling as the one said, “We don’t have the CAT scan that they performed in Florida to compare this to because we never requested a copy of it. But IF there was something there… It’s gone now!” I shared with the doctors what had happened at the airport and how I knew now that God had healed my baby girl. Praise God that they were able to see first hand God’s awesome power, whether they believed in it or not. What could they say? What else could I say? I knew my God was able, even though I questioned whether or not He would do it for me. I am so completely thankful for the hope that I have in Jesus Christ. It’s because of Him that Rachel IS healed. I pray for that same hope for everyone who hears Rachel’s Story…

Rachel was released from the hospital that day with a prescription for oral antibiotics, and she and I made it home one hour before Tom and her sisters and brother. The Gill Family is together again, always under the grace and mercy of our Lord, Jesus Christ! To Him be glory and HONOR both now and forever. Amen!

Time does not heal all wounds, but His wounds heal for ALL TIME!

This is a very recent testimony. My period started normally but before the end of the day i started feeling some unbearable pain on one side of my tummy. It was so terrible that i was moving from one side of the bed to another in agony. I called my fiance and told him about it and he told me if i read some chapters in the book of psalm into a drinking water and drink it i’l be fine. I did exactly as he said. i had an opened 7up so i decided to use it. i read two chapters of psalm that was praising God and that was asking God to deliver, i then prayed afterward and told God to heal me and that i believe his words that i have just read. After doing this i slept and woke up some hours. I felt so much better afterward. The pain is gone and its gone even as im presently saying it. I believe the word of the lord and i encourage people not to be scared to take the step of faith because God only wants you to believe, you just leave the rest to him for him to do and he will surely do it for you. God answers prayers and he will surprise you. Glory be to the almighty God.

Right now I am filled with joy. I am so happy that I have found this web site. I feel the Holy Spirit just wanting me to confess and write my feelings in this post. It is Christmas and I’m very happy that I am with my mother now, I’m happy that I am going to see my children tommorrow.

However, I am sadden because I have lost my children’s mother. I treated her so bad and it just saddens me because her and I never really wholeheartedly tried to work things out for our children. I’m just lonely now. I wish that she was my wife. I’m still living in the past and I’m trying to let go of this attachment. Maybe I am letting go. But I really wish that I had a wife and children and that I raised them in the same household. But I’m always not in the household and now I feel like fighting to be in the household. Why do I have to give up and stop fighting for my childrens mother. Why did I have to leave her. I’m so upset at myself. I’m sure that she is very excited and happy now that I’m not with her. She has been with other men since three years ago and now she has a friend who she talks to. I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t even talk to another women. I don’t like it. I wish that her and I could work things out I would rather be with her than any other women. But she has told me that she would never be with me again. She has a restraining order on me and she is talking to someone else. Why can’t I just let her go in my heart. Its like alot of pain this rejection that I am feeling. I feel hopeless. I’m trying to find peace in Gods word and I am but this feeling of emptiness won’t leave me. I want to fight for her but something is just telling me to forget about it its over she’s not coming back and we will never be with each other and often times I feel like a coward because I left her and my family.

I often wonder about my life and if it means anything. It seems like the most important things I have lost becasue of poor decisions like my family and my credit. So now I’m complaining but I want all of my family but I can’t make her love me and I understand I’m just trying to get rid of this hurt. So I give it to Jesus. I cursed at her and threatened her life because she told me that I couldn’t see my children so she put an order on me. I feel like I was set up anyways. I probably was because when I was away from her I had relations with another women while she was pregnant. And I am like I was even a christian then. So I’m always asking myself what is wrong with me why did I do such horrible things to her. I think I am crazy often times, but I profess to be a christian. I even witness to people. Now you can see why I often tell myself that i hate myself. I have lost so much my family and my children mother who if I was couragous enough I should have married her. But I didn’t and she had two children for me. So now I feel so hopeless like Idon’t deserve any good thing anymore. That is why I don’t date women. I don’t have a car and I can’t find a woman who is attractive to me on the outside. Plus I have two children and I want their mother because I want to be a father. I want to raise my children. But it seems like I can never make enough money to support my children or myself. And I pay tithes and give offerings and I go to church, it just seems like there is no end to my sufferings. The list goes on and on. But I hear God saying that all things work together for the good to them that love God and are called according to his purpose. I may never have another chance with my childrens mother. She has already told me that she dosen’t want me. I just have to believe that God has someone special for me he said he’d give me the desire of my heart. Not someone that just because she is a christian that she is my wife, but someone that I love and that God loves. I don’t want to give up hope withmy childrens mother but all the signs are saying its over let go and I have let go but these feelings still remain and I’m trying to let go and move on without any bitterness or feeling like a failure because I didn’t try to get her back. I’m still praising God in Jesus name no matter how the pain feels, please pray for me and give me encouragement or whatever I need to hear to heal my heart. I have apologized to her and will do it over and over again until she is satisfied if that is what it would take to heal her. Please help me thanks.

One night I went to sleep really depressed and I felt like a loser and kind of hopeless. Then I had this dream. In my dream Jesus’ face appeared in my face smiling. His face was huge probably as big as me. Then he backed up some and he looked like a normal person. Then he told me to put my hands in the air. The smile never broke on his face it was like telepathy. I did not understand why he wanted me to put my hands in the air, but when I did it felt great.

I even started dancing and I never dance in front of people. I started walking like a Egyptian it was a dance when I was a kid and I just burst out laughing hard it was great I felt so happy and excited just like you do as a kid. Jesus started laughing too. He was even clapping his hands. Jesus seemed so happy for me it was great.

The next day I felt a lot better and never felt that depressed again even to this day and me and my cousin even practiced our music. We were in a band and hadn’t even played music in a while but we did that day and while we were playing music out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw someone, but then I thought who could be in the house. Then I forgot about it and I saw it again and in front of my face was Jesus smiling at me again. I was playing the drums and my cousin was in front of me playing the guitar. Jesus was right next to my cousin it was just his face but it was bigger than my cousin. It kind of reminded me of a hologram. I felt this overwhelming peace in my mind and body.

Jesus watched for about 10 - 15 seconds I keep looking over to my cousin but he had no clue Jesus was right next to him I don’t think he believed, at the time,he does now though, but I did not care at all. It was awesome. Jesus was there for a while and eventually I messed up on the drums and Jesus was there and left smiling the whole time. When ever you feel peace that is Jesus letting you know he is there.

CAUTION: This blog contains truth about the sex industry. If you are age 17 or under, please get permission from your parents. Although, statistics show the largest entry age into the sex industry is 12-17 .

Getting an AIDS test was never easy for me, because I was always afraid that my past could sneak up on me at anytime.

Back in 1992, things were different then they are today. I would wait up to two weeks to get my results, and they were always the longest two weeks of my life. When I would get that phone call from the nurse, my heart would skip a beat, as I dreaded the possibility that I was about to receive a death sentence. All of the tests came out negative. I was given the clean bill of health in 1992, and was told by my doctor that I no longer needed to be tested. I felt like God had given me a new chance at life, and I was very grateful for that.

So my life goes on. Steve and I get married and we have three children. I then formed a ministry beginning in the year 2001. So this is the happy ending, right? WRONG!

I received bad news when I went for a follow-up at my doctor’s office. By the time I received this news, it was 15 years later!

“You tested positive for Hepatitis C.” My heart sunk.

“What? That’s not possible!” I exclaimed. “I’ve been out of the sex industry for a long time. I was tested several times for several years after I left. I have had three children since then. Surely it would have been caught.”

“There was no test for Hepatitis C back in those days. It’s possible. I’m sorry, but you are going to have to give more blood work.” He put the fear of God in me. “There is also a strong possibility that you may have AIDS. Many people who have hepatitis C have AIDS.”

“How could this have happened?” I silently asked.

“Did you ever use needles?”

“No.”

“Have a blood transfusion?”

“No.”

“Have you ever had a tattoo?”

“No.”

“Well, it’s mostly caught by blood to blood, but it’s possible it could have been caught while you were in the escort service.”

I was stunned and I wanted to remain frozen in my chair. A million thoughts went through my head, faster than I could process the information. How could this have happened while I was in the escort service? I was so careful about using condoms correctly. I wanted a family more than anything. Steve and I had been together for fourteen years and had been in a monogamous relationship, so I knew all too well where I must have caught it: from the escort industry.

What did this mean? For me? For Steve and my children? My Gosh, I thought. I breastfed for over two years, and there was blood in my breast milk. Spencer hates needles! What would this mean for my ministry? I just got done telling my audience at the prostitution conference that I was disease free. I received a round of applause. How could I possibly continue my ministry?

I was escorted down the hall to give three vials of blood. I was told that the second set of blood work would tell me whether I just had the antibodies or actually had Hepatitis C. By the way the staff was treating me, however, I felt like my infection was already confirmed. Counting the next three, this made eight vials I had given in a period of two weeks. I noticed that the nurse put on extra thick gloves. Right before the nurse injected the needle, I felt myself swallow as the reality hit. My life would never be the same again.

My two week wait was a nightmare. Every minute of every day, I had wondered whether or not I was safe. Steve started getting paranoid about catching it, and I started to feel like an outcast in the family. I started doing some of my own research about Hepatitis C and learned that Hepatitis C is usually not spread through sexual relations. However, according to the AIM Medical Healthcare Foundation, the efficacy of using latex condoms in preventing Hepatitis C is still unknown, and now, I, like others, had become just another statistic. I wondered how many others, like me, faced the lies of the sex industry and the consequences of their decisions many years later.

The littlest things began to frighten me. For instance, when I would have my period, a sudden chill would come over me as I thought, Did I remember to wash the towel? Was there blood on the soap? Then, one day, I caught Spencer using my tooth brush, and I rushed to him yelling, “Why are you doing that? Don’t ever touch my tooth brush again! Never!”

Spencer just stood there with a look of fear. I felt horrible, but my only goal was to protect him.

Later that night, I tucked my four-year-old son Spencer into bed and kneeled at his bedside. I softly ran my fingers through his dirty blond hair until he fell asleep. “Please, Lord, please… if nothing else,” I whispered, “please let Spencer be okay. I deserve to have it, but he doesn’t.

The sound of my prayer woke up Spencer. “Mom? Why are you crying?” Holding my tears back, I replied, “Because you’re so beautiful, and mommy loves you.”

“Do you want my bear?” he asked.

“No, honey, you keep your bear. Mommy will be okay.” I remained at his bedside until he fell asleep again. I then went into my bedroom and prayed, crying in frustrated desperation, “Why, God? Why! Why now? Why after all these years? Why didn’t this show up then? Tell me why, God? Haven’t I done Your will? Isn’t this ministry what You want? How do You expect me to run this ministry if I’m sick! Answer me! Why are You so quiet. Why, God? Why?” I was as broken as a person could be. In the next moment, I realized that perhaps the reason the Hepatitis C was never caught was that God didn’t want me to know at any other time in my life. Would I have been as strong? Probably not. Yet, at that moment, I wasn’t sure that I could be strong any longer. I was angry, but deep inside I knew the truth. No where in the Bible does it state that God causes everything to work out to have a happy ending on earth. We are the ones that cause the mistakes. God gave us an instruction book to try to prevent those mistakes in the first place.

It seemed like an eternity before the test results were complete. I received a phone call before I drove down to the office. The nurse told me that they had accidentally sent my blood work to the lab unfrozen, causing it to be rejected. When asked if I would come back in to give another three vials, I said, “No. I’m finding another doctor.” Slamming the phone down, I told Steve, “I cannot believe they messed up like that! I cannot believe I have to wait yet another umpteen weeks!”

A month later, the second doctor confirmed that the first set of work showed that I was positive for Hepatitis C. He refused to do a second set of blood work. Instead, he referred me to a gastrology specialist.

By the time Thanksgiving had come, I had endured almost six weeks of uncertainty as the gastrologist could not get me in for an appointment until the second week of December. All my relatives were so happy to see each other. All I wanted to be was a bucket of tears. I had no inclination to be happy or shake anyone’s hand. I saw no point in pretending.

When the day finally arrived for my second phase of testing at the gastrologist’s office, the nurse put the fear of God in me. “If your second set confirms that you are active, realize what this means. You could need a liver biopsy and end up having to take shots three times per week.” She then handed me a brochure that told me all about injections that, in my opinion, would make me sicker. As I was escorted down the hall to give my blood, the lab nurse looked at me and asked, “Are you okay?”

I told her I was fine, but the truth was I was far from fine. I had gone almost two months wondering if I was infected with Hepatitis C, and I had been concerned for my future and for my husband and children. I had been treated like an outcast. I didn’t even know if my ministry would flourish, and the nurse practitioner had just put the fear of God in me. How could I possibly be fine, lady?

I had to wait another two weeks, and I didn’t even feel like celebrating Christmas. I had started to wonder if it would be better not to know the results at all.

On December 27^th, I finally got my chance to learn my results, over two months after I was first diagnosed. As I waited in a private room to learn the truth, I prayed, “God, you’ve brought me this far. Whatever happens, I promise You, Lord, that I will continue this ministry. I promise You, I will fight for Your men and women who You want to come home. I will educate the world about the dangers of the sex industry. Whatever Your will, I’m going to fight this fight. Everything I do with my ministry is for You.”

The nurse came in and briefly introduced herself. “Hi, I have the results. It shows HIV–negative, Hepatitis B-negative and Hepatitis A–negative.”

“That’s good, but what about the Hepatitis C?” I said with concern.

She fumbled through my records. “Hmm. It’s not here. I’m not sure why. They should have been back by now. I’ll have to call the lab.”

I became furious. I prayed again, “God? If she has lost the results then I’ve had it! No more, God! I don’t care to find out the results. I’m through. Then it must be Your will that I don’t know.”

Twenty minutes felt like an hour. Upon her return, she walked in with a smile and said, “Congratulations! Your body fought the virus off. It appears you only had the antibodies. Less than twenty percent are that lucky. You are very, very lucky!”

Here I am, in December of 2007. I have had a second blood test to confirm that I am okay, and that I do not have the virus. Many people have sent discouraging emails to me saying, “You could still have it.” Let me tell you a little something about myself; that still won’t stop me from the mission God has laid out before me! It will only make me more motivated.

I don’t feel that I was lucky. I was blessed. The truth about using an escort is horrifying. Before I began my journey in the escort industry, I was told several times by my “madam” and “stepfather” that as long as I used a condom, I would be safe. I was told that an escort was considered high class and that only those working the streets got diseases. Because I was sleeping with more upscale, professional men, I was supposed to be safe. That was the biggest deception of all time. During my journey, I had used condoms, and I still caught Chlamydia and Crabs and was exposed to Hepatitis C. Some of my friends who have been sexually promiscuous caught genital warts and Herpes. THE TRUTH: is that it doesn’t matter if the person is rich or poor or what walk of life they came from. We are all susceptible to getting an STD, no matter what protection we use, as long as we do not obey God’s law. There is no such thing as “safe sex.” The truth is that condoms do not offer protection for diseases that are transmitted by skin to skin contact such as human papilloma virus and herpes simplex virus. Condoms are “safer” sex, but they are NOT safe sex!! No degree of condom education will curb the transmission of these organisms.

Listen to me, because this information can SAVE your life. I never thought in a million years that anything would EVER turn up positive, especially after I was tested many, many times after leaving the escort industry.

God already tells us us that “none of us know when we might fall victim to a sudden disaster and find ourselves like fish in a net or birds in a trap”. (Ecclesiastes 9:12)

I know other people who have fallen into the trap just like me. I get the emails. Trust me. If it can happen to us, it can happen to you to.

Are we really in control of our destinies? Will there ever be a day when we, as a society, will come to take God’s word more seriously? Or will we continue to leave the instruction book on the shelf to collect dust? When do we draw the line?

You read in the beginning of my story about how my stepfather made me a prostitute. I don’t know how your earthly father or stepfather was, but today, many of us struggle with a Heavenly Father because our earthly fathers did a bad job. But if I can experience physical abuse from my father, and sexual abuse from my stepfather, and if I can relate to God as my Heavenly Father, and if I can change - then so can you!

Now that you’ve read my story, please don’t delay in saying this prayer and contact me so we can keep in touch!

Heavenly Father,

I am so sorry I messed things up. Forgive me and help me out of this pit. I acknowledge my sin to you. I don’t want to cover it up. I’m tired of everything. Come into my heart and turn this darkness into light. I believe your son died on the cross. Clean up my mess and put to death anything that belongs to my own earthly desires and give me a whole new outlook. Help me along this journey. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for loving me just as I am. Amen.

The first time I did this was back in 1990 in a jail cell after never having known real affection from an earthly father. And when I got down on my hands and knees in that jail cell that night, it transformed my life. I’ve had a lot of regrets in my life, but accepting Jesus has been the one open adoption I have never regretted.

(c) Susan Stafford. www.susanstafford.com