Testimony Share

I am seventeen now, this happened some time ago. I was very worried about my brother who was 19 at the time (he’s 20 now) because he was an atheist. This worried me because we had been brought up to serve the one true God. He gave up christianity saying “if God is so kind, why did he let our mother die”

Early one morning, we were both in the front yard and I was praying and singing praises to God. I was walking back and forth and as I turned to face my brother, he was bent over and this figure about double his size was right next to him. I knew instantly that it was an angel. The angel was in a white robe and his feet did not touch the ground-he was floating. He was watching over my brother with his hands behind his back. I blinked and didn’t see the angel anymore, but I knew he was still there.

I was surprised that angel watched so lovingly over my brother who does not believe in Christ. It was that day I realised that God loves and cares for us ALL. Even those who don’t love Him back. My brother giving up christianity did not stop God from sending a guardian angel to protect him.

A little over 2 years ago now I came to be obediant to Christ.  I had accepted him when I was young, but as an adult I had a true revelation of God through Christ then.  When it happened, my world was changed.  I stopped hanging out, stopped smoking marijuana, and just really wanted to live a life pleasing to God.  I wanted His will.

During this time, my boyfriend and I broke up.  I was very hurt by it, but because I wanted God’s will so bad–I believed that whatever was happening was His will.  Well, the feelings I had for him never went away.  I thought about him a lot and prayed for him.  Eventually I fasted asking God why I felt this way and what to do, and God told me that him and I were meant to be.  I couldn’t believe it, but it explained why I felt so deeply.  In the natural, I really had no reason to.

A year went by with him and I talking here and there.  I stayed prayerful and God began to give me signs and wonders in reference to him and other areas of my life.  But I was also very focused in, on, and with God.  I trusted Him for everything and I just yearned to grow deeper in relationship with Him.

At the time, I was also unemployed.  Under instruction of God I had picked up a few part time jobs, but I believed God was and is showing me my true purpose, so he hadn’t placed me into anything full-time.  I have been diligent with my money and just learning biblical practices and trying to apply them all over my life.  I had even ran for an elected position, and that was a dream to me.  I couldn’t and still can’t believe what God brought out of me through those proccesses.

During the year that my boyfriend and I weren’t together, his main issue was because we couldn’t have sex and how my “new” relationship with God and religious lifestyle (according to him, church mostly) had changed me and my conversation.  He is saved, but just haven’t really had that true revelation of Christ nor who he is in Christ.  So he really didn’t get it.  Eventually, God moved and about 6 months ago he said that he really didn’t want to lose me and that he wanted to try our relationship without sex.  I have seen such growth in him since.  But, we did have sex a few times.  Each time, I would feel so bad and him and I would pray afterward, but it kept happening.

Now, it hasn’t happened anywhere near the way it would have had we been “free” to fornicate…but nevertheless, it happened.  I found out recently that I’m pregnant.  So much has changed, he has begun to come to church with me and is more open to hear the word of God, but he’s still not where I would want my boyfriend to be.  Does that make sense?

Throughout the process of getting close to God, I became attracted to men of God.  Not that anyone is perfect, but someone who knew the importance of praise, worship, prayer, and sacrifice, became my desire.  It’s only because I believe God that I got back with my boyfriend (God saying we are meant to be).  And I don’t regret doing so–God has revealed him to me in many different and intimate ways that it has been confirmed in my spirit that our relationship is God’s design….But now that I’m pregant, not only do I have extreme guilt for what I have done, but fear of what will happen, what God thinks of me, all circle through my mind.

I know that God still loves me, I know He knows my heart–but is this my punishment?  I also feel bad about not wanting to be pregnant, because it’s just my current financial situation and marital status that has me so regretful.  My boyfriend is happy and wants a family.  He wants to get married.  Somehow I just feel stuck.

I remember a season when I started becoming busier with work and running for office and I felt like God was weining me off of Him.  I no longer had as much time to meditate on His word, or at least in the way I use to…I would take long walks near the water and sit and write.  It’s like I was being thrusted into the “real world” and I begged God to let me stay with him.  I had a revelation then that God was sending me out…and look what happened when I went out?

I know I just need to walk in faith…and I can truly say I feel very humbled.  I can’t believe I messed up like this.  I just don’t see how all of this is going to work out for my good…..

Can anyone relate?

It’s almost 2012, nearly 4 years since I testified on this website. what has changed? that’s hard to describe. do I still feel lonely? lustful? yes. I selfishly lost my virginity to some girl, and porn is still there too blech. I did have close friends for a while but they drifted off (what a shame) but now I’m still learning that people come and go in our lives, no matter how I feel. It sucks that I never had that core group of friends or that best friend growing up, which makes me bitter sometimes(>:( ) . I know a lot of people today but they’re merely acquaitances. I understand that everyone has responsibilities to take care of, especially with age.  I’ve always been the black sheep in the family, amongst my relatives. I cringe at family reunions haha. But enough of me,God is good. I’m not here to seek help, God is my help, I must die… to self. A daily struggle for all of us, but it’s through our struggles we learn to wait on Him and Him alone. works don’t mean anything! just the perfect work of Christ in us, God doing a supernatural work in you , not to make your problems go away… you see, when I posted this, my view was that if I followed christ, all my problems will be solved, I’d be successful, feel smart and have a better social life . Are those things ok? sure, but that’s not the whole goal of christianity, even if the prosperity gospel teaches that, it’s just incorrect. either we esteem self or we esteem God. pick one, that’ll be your choice. Looking back on that now makes me seem a bit selfish, like having God fulfill all my selfish needs rather than live for Him, no matter what! to hell with everything else! my view now is on Him, God saved me from Himself, and the outpouring of His wrath. How loving is that? He didn’t save me for me. God’s glory manisfests even if humanity didn’t exist! (#truth) He saved us for His glory. That alone keeps me going, even in the midst of suffering, I am learning to trust Him. I never felt suicidal since those days and that’s a good thing, God sees worth in me even if my friends left me, etc.. Life may not turn out the way I want it to be, but that shouldn’t keep me or you from living and knowing who God is. It’s not about you, it was never about you. Don’t wait till you get to heaven to rejoice, start now! What should I do now? is no longer the question, because God answered me. (testimony below for those who haven’t read)

Mar 19, 2008

i grew up in my church my whole life. my dad is an assitant pastor in my church. everyone loves him. everyone expects me to be a good guy. i pretty much have been a good guy throughout my childhood. growing up in a christian household, was so different from everything outside of the world. my parents never really taught me anything about stuff like music, all they would listen to is christian music, i did not kno anything about any music. . . and bc of that i was made fun of by other ppl. i’ve been pushed around mostly my whole life even in church. . . by the time high school rolled around, i started becoming more and more rebellious. i would start by cutting a class and that would increase to more classes every day. i even started hanging out w. the wrong crowd, who all they did was cut and smoke weed and juss be lazy. i never smoked at all. thank god. but me and a friend starting doing graffiti, and eventually we were caught by the cops and taken to jail. it was my 1st time so i was let go the next day w. five days of community service. but then i realized that people i used to talk at school didn’t want to talk to me no more bc i cut so much. and by the end of senior year, i only had a few friends and that’s about it. now for my main problem, i was a porn addict. it all started at middle school, ppl would juss show me pics and eventually i started lookin on my on. from that, it led to clips,and then films. eventually i started masterbating which was like 3 yrs ago. it was a daily routine for me. i even did it more than once in a single day. near the end of 07, i got into a relationship w. a girl. which was good bc i stopped w. the porn, but i was pretty lustful. the 1st time me and her were together, i had the urge to have sex w. her. but then, i stopped bc it was too quick and she would get mad at me. . . i was pretty happy w. her, i didn’t need porn at all, maybe like once i looked at it. . . eventually, we broke up. . . which really saddened me. . . and i went back to porn, by feb, something happened to me. . . i had a fight(not physical) w. her which had me furious with anger and resentment. that rage eventually turned into bitter loneliness, and even w. the porn, that didn’t help at all. . . i started feelin isolated from the world, and there were times were i even threw up bc i was so depressed. i couldn’t even focus on school bc it was so stressful and when i came home, i broke down into tears. i even started thinkin about committing suicide. . . and so i prayed and for the 1st time, after all those yrs growin up in church, i accepted christ. it’s been a month since i stopped w. the porn, but i still get images in my head. there are times where when i sleep, i start dreamin about it. . . and the are times where i have the urge to go back to the net to continue where i left off. . . but i never went back to that. anyways i’m 19,  but i do not feel 19, i barely know anything in the world, 1) bc i never paid attention, 2) i’m a pastors son.  i’m like the worst talker ever bc i have nothing to talk about.  i’m not really funny. and i’m quiet most of the time. which makes me feel even more lonely. & other than that, i don’t feel like i’m independent. i’m always takin orders from somebody else. i’m the type of guy who gets pushed around. the reason i don’t do anything back is bc i don’t wanna make it worse. but like i said, i’m like the worst talker ever. and the only real people i have in my life is my parents, a few of my cousins, and like a few friends. idk what to do from here, i know i trust christ now, i get sad but then i get better, but still, what should i do now?

Hello all…
So i’m just going to go straight to it! I did my undergraduation away from home and joined a local Church in this new place.
There was an older member in the youth fellowship who I was quite pally with. I wasn’t particularly close to anyone at Church but everyone was a friend to me. Basically, I take a while to open up and can be quite reserved sometimes which is sometimes a result of my own insecurities.
Anyways, this guy in my fellowship ( 8 yrs older than me ) initiated messaging me and calling me up once in a while.I used to initially think that maybe he was just trying to get me more involved in the fellowship etc…but then I realised it was a little more than that but I was never really sure. He implied things indirectly but never just straight upfront. So, I was never really sure. And also the messaging and calling was intermittent. As in, there would be silence for a while and then a random spurt of messages to try and stay in touch. Anyways, it can be a really heading feeling for a girl to know
that someone older is interested in you! especially if He’s a Christian too and we were both very musically inclined.

Anyways, nothing really happened for about 2 and a half years!! just a few very memorable conversations and some special moments…and let me tell u that even at this point i wasn’t like a 100% sure whether he was into me. Anyways, I think I started praying to God to take away my feelings for him if they weren’t meant to be. I know there were times when I might have been low and a small message from him could light up my world! but at the same time whilst at Church I couldnt really truly worship God when he was around cos I was a little too conscious of his presence, the whole heart racing thing and all!! so, i didnt really know whether he was a distraction or whether he was part of God’s plan.I still continued to pray about it. We did go out once and it was really nice but even then he didn’t explicitly tell me anything just implied stuff.

As I was about to return home after my graduation I asked him about his feelings upfront. Well not upfront per se but on my mobile! he said he did like me but didnt want to play around. He wanted things to grow and just see how things worked out. I guess he was a bit confused too.Let me tell you, this was the first time I was a 100% sure that he was into me, until ten it was just really really strong guesses!

I headed back home hoping to stay in touch, still praying about this. Long and short, no concrete steps were made with regards to us and I really prayed to God to close the door, cos thoughts about him were taking up too much space in my head.  So, basically there was still intermittent messaging and calling but nothing solid. But there was real connection when we did talk.

Anyways, I didn’t really know what to do, I was slowly getting upset that nothing more was happening. I didnt know whether he was playing around, whether he was not ready, whether it was not God’s time or whether it was not part of God’s plan at all. I travelled abroad to do my PG and called him before I left. I thought that would give me some closure and I felt like I needed to move on but there were still very strong feelings.

He got in touch with me via email. That says somethig doesn’t it? At least I felt it did, I felt it would go somewhere. But, right now I find myself pining for him too much and it’s affecting me, but at the same time he seems like the ideal guy and I’m like maybe God brought this to pass. I’m quite confused. A part of me tells me, I should just stop contact with him altogether cos at the moment it’s not leading to anything solid but at the same time, there are these very strong feelings and this guy feels like home for me somewhere at the end of the day. Basically, I cannot tell what is right and wrong. I dont really need relationship advice but am in desperate need for some christian counsel.

Well if should start somewhere, I should start in 2005, my cousin Jennifer was diagnosed with cancer. So in my innocence, not able to comprehend cancer, I prayed that she would get better. But it was terminal cancer. So in a few months she had gone to chemotherapy and had looked like she was getting better. So she decided to go and do things she wanted to do in life with her mum Kate.

But on the 9th of December, wile me and my mum were putting up the Christmas tree, little did i know Jennifer had taken sick that day and then just as we had finished, my dad phoned and asked to speak to my mum. When she had finished talking she sat me down. The tone of her voice was nothing like i’d ever heard, she told me what my dad phoned for. Jennifer had passed away.

In a state of shock and sadness, I began to weep, thinking why her. I didnt attend school for a few days, I was only 11 at the time. So on the 12th of December, I attended her funeral, still crying, but I had a sense of anger and anguish towards God as I thought he was supposed to help her get better. When the mass ended my mum took me out for lunch while i saw my classmates go into practice for the carol service. But the thought never left my mind.

So now we come to 2010, August 29th, I was on holiday with my mum, Aunt, Granny and Granda. We were having a good time but i had a though, I haven’t talked to my dad in a while I’ll give him a ring when i get back.  Well he tried ringing me but I didnt get to answer cause I didnt know. (Little did I know this would be a thing i’d regret in the future)

Well i got home and school was cloing in so i got ready and I was buzzing to go back. It was Wednesday 1st September 2010, I had come home from  school and had been relaxing on the sofa. Well then there was a rap on the door, 2 men were standing there. I didnt know at the time they were my uncle and cousin but they wished to speak to my mum alone.

Later in the day after dinner. My mum asked to speak to me. She sat me down and started to speak in that dreaded tone her words were “I have some bad news.” I had a confused look on my face but she continued. “Its about your daddy.” Like a sword in the heart and with no time to spare i broke down in tears, i couldnt believe what i was hearing, it couldnt be true.

But it was. I questioned God’s existence then when people told me it was all part of his plan i felt like taking a knife to my chest and tearing my heart out. I stopped believing in god. During my Fathers funeral, i said one of the readings. It had been picked by my Aunt Kate, and i could barely keep calm enough to say it. But it was a Beautiful sendoff. For me lifting his coffin was challenging as my heart just couldnt take it. But with my friends, family and my dad’s friends i felt more calm.

Months later when i went to the grave. The stone there said upon it my fathers name. Reality hit me, I’m one of the few whos lives are effected by this. None cares, life goes on. I start to talk to the stone, hoping i wasnt going insane. I stopped believing in God thinking I had been let down so I felt i was alone.

Well I have changed and it was all thanks to my friends especially Alanna, My mum and Youth Initiatives more Formally the Best project. I have all you people to thank. Alex you never lost faith, in that id be able to regain mine. Thank you. Michi thank you for having conversations about religion with me, although i may have been arguing alot i was looking for an answer. To Terrance thank you for listening to what i had to say, and helping me understand, even if i had only been talking to for a bit thank you..  And everyone who helped me and for anyone who prayed for me ever.

I smile like i used to now. thank you.

Hello

I have already made a post because I was really down and didnt know what to do. But I cant shake this feeling to share my story.

I come from a “christian” family. But honestly my parents relationship was very unstable. They were ALWAYS fighting and eventully when I was about nine they got divorced. At that age I was very strong in faith. I was quite fortunate despite my parents divorce. But I soon turned away from God, BIG mistake. NEVER turn away from God because your garenteed to fall into darkness.

My mum and dad were in court all the time fighting for custody of me amd my brother. We both choose to live with my mum. We would stay with our dad for the weekend every two weeks. But he wasnt really a father or ever there for us.
I soon started to act out and fight ALOT with my mum and one time I ran away. This went on for years, I hated it.
In 2008 I took a sevier asthma attack it happened so quickly I was pretty scared all I wanted to do was to close my eyes and sleep. I was in hospital for six days. My mum, nanny and best friend came to visit me. My dad visited me too, once but he was so wraped up in his girlfriend that he only stayed for five minutes.

My dad made me and my brother so many promises but he never kept them. I wanted him to be a proper dad and I wanted his love and acceptance. I thought I would earn it if I moved in with him, I stayed for a week. I spent every night in tears and I really hurt my mum. My mum said that it wasnt my fault that I was so caught in the middle and messed up, but to this day I still feel kinda guilty.

A year after we moved, I had been in an on and off five year relationship which ended that year.  A few months after I was in a new relationship. It lasted two weeks, we stayed friends, he is now one of my best friends.  After a while I became very depressed and I had fallen for my best friend but he was with someone else, it really hurt. But I did get over him.

But I was never satisfied with being single. I was always looking for a boyfriend, I also looked for guys online. One guy out of the blue called me an unloved whore. Ive never slept with anyone, but I believed it. I believed I was unloved and I didnt think anyone cared. All I could was this voice telling me I was a burden.

It was coming up to New Years and I got one of my friends to set me up, he was her boyfriends, best friend. When new years eve came my friends, boyfriend started chatting me up. He told me they had broke up, he said anything I wanted to hear and I am ashamed to say I flirted back. After about an hour he told me that none of it was true and that his best friend put him up to it. It hurt so much, I was completely broken. I cried myself to sleep that night. When my friend found out she took their side, she said it was my fault and it didnt take long for me to believe it. I also started to blame myself for other things as well like my parents fighting all the time. People began calling me a freak on facebook and I cost my mum alot of money due to the fact I was a bed wetter and cost my mum hundereds in matresses. I messed up alot at home I couldnt do anything right. I would often got called stupid and my grades in school soon dropped. I hated myself. So I started to cut myself, I never drunk or took drugs so the only thing I could think of to ease the pain was to cut myself. Although the cuts werent that deep they were noticable so I wore long sleeve tops to cover them. I would cut myself regularly it became an addiction. Im really ashamed to admit it but I also turned to porn, but Im free of that now. I really did hate myself I was such a mess. A couple times I tried to take my life and many times I wished I died on the night of my asthma attack. I felt like nothing, like no one would want me which I had been told several times. I thought that all I did was bring bad things to people, like I was a bad thing and people would be better off if I didnt exist.

One night I had a huge fight with my mum, she threatened to kick me out. I know she didnt mean it but I just had enough. I ran up to my room and broke down in tears. I really wanted to cut myself and make the cuts deep and bleed this time, but instead I prayed for the first time in a long time and Im not sure why but Im glad. That very moment I felt something go through me. I cant explain it but I had lost all urges to harm myself. I still had suicidal toughts but I had no intention of carrying them out. Im not sure what it was but Im pretty sure it was God.

Not long after that I started attending events with Y.I. (Youth Initiatives) Matt my youth leader asked me if I was interested in being a volunteer. I didnt really understand why he asked me to be a volunteer but I was glad and said yes. I’ll admit I was pretty messed up. But it felt good that there was people that wanted me to be apart of a great group of people. Honestly I dont think I deserved it.

It wasnt very long after I started a new relationship, he was my partner in Expressive Arts class and we went to the school formal together. But after a couple months he started to molest me. I didnt know then what molesting was so I didnt know, but I thought I had to let him do it and I probably would have given myself to him. But a few months later I attended a camp with Y.I. where I meet a man called Justin Fatica, he was the speaker at camp. The sixteen and over girls had a session with him and he taught us to keep ourselves until we’ve meet a guy who is willing to wait until after marrage and that we shouldnt be with a guy if hes not treating you with respect. Camp was very emotional for everyone, everywhere you turned someone was crying. But it was an AMAZING experience. I felt such relief I now knew that God loved and he cared. I had been running from him for so long that I forgot. I gave my life over to Christ that weekend, this time whole heartedly “13th August 2011″. I got up and asked God for forgiveness and I thanked him for the cross. I couldnt help but cry, I could barely talk, I felt so overwhelmed that God had forgiven me for EVERYTHING “My chains are gone Ive been set free, my God my saviour has rescued me.”

After I confronted my boyfriend, he completely ignored me so a few weeks after I ended it. I started building a positive relatioship with my dad, I dont fight so much with my mum and for the first time in years Im satisfied with being single.  Although I still struggle with depression I couldnt be Happier. God was with me every step of the way, waiting for me to come to him, he brought em out of darkness. I want to finish by sharing a verse that has really stuck with me Romans 8:31 “Through all of this what can we say, If God is for us who can be against us”.

Blessings and Love to you all xxx

Dear God,

I remembered.
I used to love You so much.
Prayed so often.
Seek You before so many issues in life.
Enjoyed Your presence, excited for sundays before he came along.
His presence blinded me, and overtook Your position and place in my life.
I seek You less.
Today, as I read the testimonies in Testimony Share, something stirs within me,
God, I miss the time where I spend silent prayers behind closed doors with free flowing tears, in a temple where there’s just You and me.
I miss the times when You were the top priority in my life.
I miss the moments where I cried with happiness when You gave signs and answered my prayers.
Today is the day where memories flood back and help me to reflect in Your Word.

He is someone special in my life. I can’t deny. But Lord, You know my heart’s desire.
You know I long for someone who loves You as much or even more than I do.
You know that I long to share a bond with a man who is a Godly man and places importance in living Your Word.
But God, time and time again, I tried to convince that He is the one for me, but yet God, time and time again I know
deep inside that You said that its not time.
Yet, it was something that I couldn’t bring myself to accept.

I remembered the many moments where I turned to guys to fill up the void in my life, the insecurity that I hold.
Every single new environment that I’m in, I’ll always look out for a suitable guy for me to start a relationship with.
Through that, I have hurt and abused many in my life.
Yet, I failed to understand that it is only God that can truly fills this void in me.
Guys can only temporary cover the void with a plastic sheet, but God is the only One that can fill that void and heal me.

I am so hurt. It is also something that I tried to avoid. But God, thank You for today.
For helping to see Your light through others’ testimonies.
That You’re so real and authentic in my life.
I am confident that by walking in Your Word faithfully and daily, You will heal me.
God, help me to understand and trust in Your timing. Your timing is perfect.
Teach me to obey You and not try to manipulate Your plans and do things my way.

Even at this point of uncertainties, God, I am trusting You with the entire situation.
I am trusting You to work in according to Your plan, I am trusting You to help me grow to a Godly-woman.
I am trusting You to heal my brokenness, and I am trusting You to take control of the current situation.
I thank You for drawing me back to You once again through this heartbreaking incident.
I thank You for drawing me near to where You are.
It is through such situations where I have no one to turn to, but You alone.
I am trusting You to send the right one. God, I’m tired. Tired of looking for the right one,
tired of manipulating Your plans to control my life, tired of disappointments, tired of human acts.
I am trusting You to send the right him to my life, as I’m here, waiting, abiding and learning to walk with You.
Amen.

It has been almost a year since I’ve talked Jonathan, the guy who means so much to me. But before him there was a guy I liked so much named Brooks but Brooks didn’t like me back, and it showed. I was a freshman in highschool when Brooks found out I like him. To him and his friends they felt this was the biggest joke ever.  I just couldn’t get over him, mainly because I’ve never like a guy before, for such a long time.  A part of me wanted to just forget about him and the way he treated me yet I still felt we were destined to be together (silly me). In high school I was known as the “quiet girl”. I find it extremely hard to make friends, leading me to become lonely. I found it very hard to be myself around people, mainly because the fear of rejection, which I experience all the time. I was picked on and talked about a lot..without reason, all the time. I never responded only because I didn’t want anything more hurtful said to me. I had only one friend through out my years in grade school but she too was talking behind my back. So, here I am now with absolutely no one to call a friend. I never told my parents what was going on at school because  I didn’t want them to know how horrible their little girl’s life was. But I do remember praying continuously to God that he would some how get Brooks to like me, to heal the loneliness in my heart and I would be forever thankful. I wasn’t really a true christian, I would call on God when I needed him or wanted something, but nothing more. But I do remember when God spoke to me saying “Let him go, and I will bring someone better.” At first I didn’t understand because I didn’t want to believe God was telling me to let Brooks go. I got upset because Brooks was the first guy I’ve actually like and now God is telling me to let him go? And over and over again God kept telling me “I have someone better.” I just didn’t understand at the time and i surely didn’t want to let go… but I eventually did. I was

And then there came Jonathan. He transferred to my school our junior year. I didn’t really think anything of him. I saw how he became popular really fast. He was raised in a christian home, and it showed. He was winning all sorts of awards his first year here (prom king, homecoming and sweet heart court)! I couldn’t even begin to explain how many people like him. There was something so different about him, that I couldn’t explain. I didn’t like him at the time, but I knew a lot of girls did. I found out he wasn’t interested in one of the most popular girl in our grade which was shocking because she was pretty, smart, and outgoing… everything I wasn’t.  If I ever did like him, it would almost be too good to be true if he like me back. He seemed like the type of guy who was looking for someone perfect.  I didn’t understand what was so special about him..until I met him.  Some how there was rumor going around that I wanted to fight his sister (which was not true at all). That got his attention and i remember Jonathan always watching me. Evey time I would see him he would be staring at me and I stare back. I didn’t think anything of it until I heard one of his friends told me how he said I stare a lot and that I looked mean.  I was shocked because he was staring first! Time went on and we were still running into each other. I would see him every where I went and we would make eye contact every time, but never did we speak. I remember walking in the jam packed hallway trying to get to my class and I was waiting for the right time to cross because the hallways were so packed. All of a sudden I see Jonathan walking up and he starts to move to the side of the hallway…holding up the crowd..to let me pass.  That was the moment I will never forget.

Time went on and i began to REALLY like this guy. Long story short… it kinda seemed like he like me too? I didn’t want to believe it because like i said, it was too good to be true. I said ‘hey’ to him one day… and everything started from there. He always made every effort to say hey to me..even in front of  his friends(the ones i didn’t get along with).  I would catch him staring at me and smiling  all the time. Sometimes I would ignore him to see if would say hey to me..and he still did! He was the sweetest person.   He would do little things like follow me to the water fountain to start a conversation or try to be somewhere I was. He is great with people but he always got red in the face when he talked to me.  I can’t even explain how I felt about him. He made me so happy. How could he possibly like someone like me? Could this be the person God brought in my life in replace of Brooks?  I constantly became dependent on Jonathan to make me happy. When he didn’t say “hey” to me i became extremely upset and when he did I was happy. After school ended we kept in touch for a little while until something little happened that led us to not talk anymore. I was heart broken. I became so angry because I didn’t understand why God would take someone so great out of my life. And I felt like God was telling me “No man comes before me, I am a jealous God.”

Long story short, my pain led me to seek God, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made! The pain I was receiving from my heart break was God’s way of telling me ”I want to be your everything, don’t look towards man to fulfill your needs’. I began to seek God and I love Himwith all of my heart and He has become my absolute best friend. But it has been almost a year since I’ve talked to Jonathan, and my feelings for him haven’t changed. I still think about him almost everyday. I ask God to take away the feelings away if that is not His will for me, but He hasn’t. But if it is I pray to God that He would open Jonathan’s heart back to me because I care for him so much. I’m not sure if God ONLY used that relationship to draw us closer together or could their possibly be a possible future for Jonathan and I? Sometimes I feel as if he could be  saying “it’s not time…”

So this testimony is something I’ve felt the Lord pushing me to share for a few months now and it’s been really difficult to revisit, so here it goes.

The first time I cheated, it started by mistake.  I had my first boyfriend in my new town and while I was at a hang out spot, a boy that I had thought was cute came up to me and we began talking.  I had no intentions of anything other than flirting (still wrong) when he asked me to be his “wifey.”  I was young, 13 yrs old, and had no clue what he meant.  Not wanting to look stupid I said, “sure” and there I was, with two boyfriends.  I don’t remember how I found out what I had agreed to, but my pride got in the way and I kept it going for a little while.  Well the devil planted the seed and once that all went downhill I continued to flirt with promiscuity.

Fast forward to 2003.  I met a wonderful man and was still dating.  The relationship I was in was up and down and we were ending things so once that ended I began seeing this other man.  We got serious quickly and became engaged.  3 1/2 years later I was pregnant and when our daughter was 11 months old, we got married.  Ok.  So that’s how my husband knew things to go.  The true story was that I was having affair after affair and it was all totally hidden from him.

Since this is my first time sharing this, I don’t think I can go into any detail.  But the relationships went even as far as having a man move across the country and live in my little town until things fell apart between me and my husband so that me and this other man could be together.  God began working hard on my life.  Things with this man starting feeling wrong and I started getting scared when everything started to be put into place for this move.  I couldn’t believe what I was doing and I even told him that if my husband had found out about everything I would beg him not to leave me.  That should have been enough but it didn’t stop the plans and eventually here he was.  Worst part?  He had to become friends with my husband, at least in my sick little mind, so that things wouldn’t seem suspicious.  Boy did the enemy have a hold on me.

Well eventually, through lots of bad circumstances and my inability to leave my husband, things between me and this other man became sour and he ended things.  He left the state and headed back to his end of the country.  Now it was time to live this normal life, finally.  Wrong.

It’s so difficult to even type this but the truth is, I had always gotten over one guy with the other and when I couldn’t show my hurt over how things had gone, I buried it deeper under more promiscuity with other men.

It’s really sick to go back and see how many times I substituted Jesus with sex.  Pointless selfish-driven sex.  It turns my stomach to look back.  Well it doesn’t end there.  The Lord wasn’t going to let this continue and He knew where I needed to be so He started the whirlpool.

I had started to declare, once again, that I was never going to do this again, that I was going to stay faithful while continuing to frequent the same places and while having a circle of men as my closest confidants.  It all caught up with me.

One weekend my husband and I had the worst argument we have ever had and we didn’t talk for 3 days.  Now, we had been together by then for 7 years and never even raised our voices to a yell at each other; this was weird.  I manipulated things, as usual, but this time I tried to play the divorce card (never went there before).  He was shocked with my attempt and then the seed was planted.  He had met someone.

The tables were turned and HE wanted a divorce.  He was sure that I had been unfaithful and he couldn’t get over that feeling.  It was all too real.

I was crushed.  My husband was never one to stand up to me.  How was he going to do this?  We didn’t believe in divorce!

I cried out to the Lord.  I didn’t know what else to do.  What was His response?  Tell him.  Tell him about that man that moved here and that he isn’t crazy.  There was an affair.

I thought the Lord was crazy.  Tell him and lose my marriage?  No way.  Surely there was another way.  So I manipulated and cried and begged and even went as far as to agree with him.  Tell him that I was for the divorce.  Maybe then he would change his mind and he would want to work things out.  He would see that there was nothing to admit.  Boy, was I deceived!  My marriage was slipping between my fingers.  He was leaving me and I was going to be a single mother and I was losing the best man I can ever have.  The one that God had blessed me with.  I had messed up my marriage.  I vowed to NEVER be divorced.  What did I think was going to happen?

God?  Help me?

A few days later I was praying up in my bedroom while knelt down by the bed, bible in hand and I was saved.  Really truly saved.  I was baptized in the Spirit and began speaking in tongues.  It was the best moment of my entire life.  I play those first few moments of my life over and over in my head all the time.  It was beautiful.

One night shortly after, I went up to our bedroom to pray.  Crushed, bruised, broken, I fell down on the bed.  Bible in hand I began to pray,  ”There has to be another way.  Confessing would end it all so there has to be another way.”  What did I hear?

“Do you trust Me?”

“Well of course I do.”

“Then tell him.”

So I reasoned and argued and protested to no avail.  Surprised?  Of course not.  He’s God and He brings justice.  So I went downstairs and confessed about the relationship.  He calmly told me thank you for being honest and left.  ”God?  You told me to tell him!  Now what?  You’re going to have to do something miraculous.  Please save this?”

The next few months were, well, amazing and just that, miraculous.

It was a roller coaster, to say the least.

I began going to a church and hearing so clearly from the Lord. (ahh He’s so amazing) Shortly after my husband contacted the other man and got stories of my past few years from him and a random number of men that I had been with.  I was texted at work with many angry and bitter words of resentment from my husband.  He was done and one of us was moving out.

I had no where to go and I didn’t have a clue how I was to support my daughter on my income.  Oh well, I guess it was what I asked for.  Well that was the response I got from my husband when I asked him what I was supposed to do.

I spent two separate nights at different places.  I had gotten sick of hearing him to tell me one of us had to leave and I had felt the Lord telling me that I was to sacrifice my comfort there and obey and leave so I grabbed what I could in trash bags and humbly took my daughter to my mom’s house.  That night, me and my daughter slept in one bed and my mom slept on an air mattress on the floor in one room.  I couldn’t do this.  I begged him to let us come back.  Driving 45 minutes each day for work was too much right now and my mom couldn’t afford us, so he let us come back.  That same night he made it clear that I was not going to be living with him and that I had to make arrangements.  This was the start of the constant nights out with the other woman while I slept on the couch and watched him come in the door at all hours of the night, drunk.  I had only ever seen him drunk once before.  This was scary.  Look what my sin had produced.  About 2 weeks later my daughter and I spent a night at my sister-in-laws house.  I missed my husband.  I missed our house and our bed and his arms and his love.  I needed to fix this.  I needed God to fix things.  So I vowed to seek and obey.

I was at church one evening and I had a vision.  The worship leader was stomping into my house and demanding my husband out of the way.  Behind her was a girl.  I slightly recognized her but didn’t pay much attention to the girl in the background.  In the vision, the worship leader was telling my husband that I was taking my things and leaving and there wasn’t going to be anymore down-talking or nonsense.  I opened my eyes and looked around.  There was the girl in my vision, in the pew next to mine.

I prayed and I heard the Lord tell me that I was to move my stuff the next night and be completely moved out, not to return until He was ready for me to.  I was not to ask for anything that I might have forgotten or take anything that was ours.  God had things lined up perfectly and to wrap this section up, I was led to the altar and she ended up being the girl that prayed over me.  That night I asked her if I could move in with her.  Weirdest question to ask a stranger.  Well the Lord had that worked out too because her parents just had their other daughter leave and had an extra room.  The next day, after a full day of work, my daughter and I and a friend started putting things in trash bags and extra boxes and filling two vehicles.  The rest of the night was full of shoving things in 3 different vehicles and moving my daughter and I from a 2 bedroom townhouse to one bedroom.  God gave me peace, but it was my heart that was already broken.  I didn’t know what I was going to do.  I went to work the next morning and when I woke up in this tiny packed bedroom the realization hit me again.

I was there for 3 months.  It became home and the people were sent straight from Him.  I never paid for anything except for the things I got on my own.  They never asked for anything from me but I would help around the house and cook and clean.  They are amazing people. During the time there, I prayed daily, learned SO much about my past and where I was deceived and I truly saw how lost I really was.  I learned about my pride and selfishness and I learned about the root of all my sexual sin.

My husband and I would talk through email from time to time.  Mostly it would be about our daughter and scheduling when I would bring her over but sometimes I would get a nasty email or an email asking me why I had done what I did or specifics.  He would doubt my salvation and the enemy would use him to plant doubt in my mind.  Thank the Lord, I was grounded and certain and learning so much that I would not succumb to doubt.  I was saved and changed.  Permanently.

My birthday came and went, no “Happy Birthday”.  Next came Thanksgiving.  During the previous few months, I had had regular prophetic dreams and a few visions.  They affirmed that my husband was having a sexual relationship with the other woman but they would also show me how God was breaking my husband down and how things were going wrong with him and her and that I was slowly having the upper hand.  Somehow.

One night I got the most amazing email.  It said something along the lines of “I miss your body, your smell, your skin.  I miss everything about you.”

What?? Was this real?  I couldn’t believe it.  Before Thanksgiving?  I had prayed for this and I didn’t know if it was God’s will, but it might be happening.  After that email there were tons of others between us.  I was getting updates as to his condition through my sister-in-law and I was hearing that prayers were being answered and things were starting to turn sour with him and her.  Sounds kind of like how God worked with me, huh?

We spent Thanksgiving together that year, he asked.  I was humbled.  That December, the day after Christmas, my daughter and I moved back in.  I have since confessed of the other men that I have been with and no, it wasn’t easy.

I mean this with tears rolling down my cheeks to anyone that is having any issues with ANY of the things I have gone through.  God is real.  He is powerful and He loves you.  He can and will heal your marriage.  He does have a great plan for you and having sex with numerous men or women will never fill the void.  Trust a woman that has actually been there.  All those men will come and go and you will be left empty.  There is a God-shaped hole in your heart and NO other person will fill it.

What we have gone through is NOT something that would have survived in the world.  But in God’s hands, what isn’t possible? He created the very earth we are standing on.  Don’t limit Him.

This Christmas will mark one year that we started all over.  I couldn’t be happier and I am in daily prayer and dedicated.  I love my husband and I love my Godly Husband even more.  I am so grateful for His forgiveness and for a second change.  An amazing second chance.  It’s not water under the bridge.  My husband and I still have a lot of healing to go through, but we now have God and He is where I lay my hope.

I thank the Lord for His faithfulness and mercies unto me. I would like to testify here of the Lord’s great compassion and love for me through an event that happened last night. My boyfriend and I had a serious argument that ended up in a fight and he hung the phone on me and email me saying that he regrets having met me and loved me. We have been in a loving relationship for 5 years and to hear this from him all of a sudden was a terrible disaster. I was broken, shattered, and hopeless. All the years of tears, love, efforts, and sacrifice was thrown by him into the trash bin. He accused me of a lot things that were not true. I thought this was the end of everything for me. I wept and wept and wept and spent a sleepless night. My head was aching, my eyes swollen and I was too tired to even walk. I needed rest. I knew who to run to. It was the Lord Jesus Christ.

Tears poured out as I whispered His name, asking me to comfort me and accept me. I said

“Jesus, be my refuge at this hour. I have been accused, insulted, and blamed, and judged wrong. Please will you come by me, I want to rest in your shadow. I know there is peace and comfort only through you.”

As I finished praying, I could feel the Lord’s love surround me, His arms around me, and His gentle embrace. I have no words to describe that healing. It was His assurance that He is always there for me, and that He has gone through similar hurts, and that He understands. Oh what a comfort and peace I received. The Lord granted me a peaceful sleep, and I slept as I kept whispering : Lord, thy will be done.

God the Father loves us so much. There is no doubt about that. Jesus,our Lord understands and receives us. The loving Holy Spirit comforts us however bad the situation is. I praise God for His love and attention towards me.

All glory, honor, power, and praise to His matchless name, AMEN.