Testimony Share

What I want to share is not really a testimony, but rather just wanting to put my thought and everything within me in writing. I am a 23 year old born again child of God and enjoying the fellowship with my Father more than anything. It has not been long since i received Christ into my life, it has been almost 3 years now. I have grown in love with this other brother from church, who I admire so.

This was a very cool dream. In this dream I was in a field. In the beginning my brother looked at me with a smile, but then it was time for the show. I think the reason I saw my brother at first was to feel comfortable. Where I was standing had a perfect view of the sky. The sky was huge and I did not miss a portion of it.

The sky was lit up in this very cool orange color, like when the sky is setting but way better. I remember calling the way the sky looked was like a campfire in the sky. The sky kept changing into different sunsets. I got the feeling like I could pick my favorite one. (They were all the coolest sunsets I have ever seen though) I picked the one I liked the most and said, “ I like that one.” The sky then stayed that way. I somehow knew there was someone else there and they were changing the sky and I asked, “ How do you do that?” I then saw a hand and it snapped its fingers (That is very cool to me).

After the hand snapped its fingers I was in front of my mom telling her that Jesus was showing me all the cool sunsets. She said, “How can you be sure it was Jesus.” She said other things and was in denial of the whole thing. That piece of trash satan was trying to take away my faith and to take away the magic of the coolest thing I have seen. What a piece of trash!!
satan will disguise himself as other people to confuse you, but do not let it confuse you. I knew it was from Jesus immediately after it was over. I just knew. The sunset I picked was very cool and had two vehicles parked next to each other way out in the field. One was a white van and I do not remember the other one. It was very cool. Jesus can do anything with ease. Just a snap of his fingers and your wildest dreams will come true.

After the dream was over and I woke up I made a very good breakfast. It was eggs and turkey and for some reason something told me to put some honey on it. That was delicious!! Then I went to make down payment on my EMT class. I took a CPR class and felt uncomfortable and questioned if I should be a EMT but I thought about it and decided to do it anyway.
When I went to the school to register I saw a white van parked away from all the other cars. It was just like the dream. I realized that all the different sunsets were choices not just to look at, but were experiences and choices I was choosing with my life before it happens. I still wander what were the other choices. The one I choose in the dream was the reality I am living right now, because I choose it.

i grew up in my church my whole life. my dad is an assitant pastor in my church. everyone loves him. everyone expects me to be a good guy. i pretty much have been a good guy throughout my childhood. growing up in a christian household, was so different from everything outside of the world. my parents never really taught me anything about stuff like music, all they would listen to is christian music, i did not kno anything about any music. . . and bc of that i was made fun of by other ppl. i’ve been pushed around mostly my whole life even in church. . . by the time high school rolled around, i started becoming more and more rebellious. i would start by cutting a class and that would increase to more classes every day. i even started hanging out w. the wrong crowd, who all they did was cut and smoke weed and juss be lazy. i never smoked at all. thank god. but me and a friend starting doing graffiti, and eventually we were caught by the cops and taken to jail. it was my 1st time so i was let go the next day w. five days of community service. but then i realized that people i used to talk at school didn’t want to talk to me no more bc i cut so much. and by the end of senior year, i only had a few friends and that’s about it. now for my main problem, i was a porn addict. it all started at middle school, ppl would juss show me pics and eventually i started lookin on my on. from that, it led to clips,and then films. eventually i started masterbating which was like 3 yrs ago. it was a daily routine for me. i even did it more than once in a single day. near the end of 07, i got into a relationship w. a girl. which was good bc i stopped w. the porn, but i was pretty lustful. the 1st time me and her were together, i had the urge to have sex w. her. but then, i stopped bc it was too quick and she would get mad at me. . . i was pretty happy w. her, i didn’t need porn at all, maybe like once i looked at it. . . eventually, we broke up. . . which really saddened me. . . and i went back to porn, by feb, something happened to me. . . i had a fight(not physical) w. her which had me furious with anger and resentment. that rage eventually turned into bitter loneliness, and even w. the porn, that didn’t help at all. . . i started feelin isolated from the world, and there were times were i even threw up bc i was so depressed. i couldn’t even focus on school bc it was so stressful and when i came home, i broke down into tears. i even started thinkin about committing suicide. . . and so i prayed and for the 1st time, after all those yrs growin up in church, i accepted christ. it’s been a month since i stopped w. the porn, but i still get images in my head. there are times where when i sleep, i start dreamin about it. . . and the are times where i have the urge to go back to the net to continue where i left off. . . but i never went back to that. anyways i’m 19,  but i do not feel 19, i barely know anything in the world, 1) bc i never paid attention, 2) i’m a pastors son.  i’m like the worst talker ever bc i have nothing to talk about.  i’m not really funny. and i’m quiet most of the time. which makes me feel even more lonely. & other than that, i don’t feel like i’m independent. i’m always takin orders from somebody else. i’m the type of guy who gets pushed around. the reason i don’t do anything back is bc i don’t wanna make it worse. but like i said, i’m like the worst talker ever. and the only real people i have in my life is my parents, a few of my cousins, and like a few friends. idk what to do from here, i know i trust christ now, i get sad but then i get better, but still, what should i do now?

Right now I am filled with joy. I am so happy that I have found this web site. I feel the Holy Spirit just wanting me to confess and write my feelings in this post. It is Christmas and I’m very happy that I am with my mother now, I’m happy that I am going to see my children tommorrow.

However, I am sadden because I have lost my children’s mother. I treated her so bad and it just saddens me because her and I never really wholeheartedly tried to work things out for our children. I’m just lonely now. I wish that she was my wife. I’m still living in the past and I’m trying to let go of this attachment. Maybe I am letting go. But I really wish that I had a wife and children and that I raised them in the same household. But I’m always not in the household and now I feel like fighting to be in the household. Why do I have to give up and stop fighting for my childrens mother. Why did I have to leave her. I’m so upset at myself. I’m sure that she is very excited and happy now that I’m not with her. She has been with other men since three years ago and now she has a friend who she talks to. I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t even talk to another women. I don’t like it. I wish that her and I could work things out I would rather be with her than any other women. But she has told me that she would never be with me again. She has a restraining order on me and she is talking to someone else. Why can’t I just let her go in my heart. Its like alot of pain this rejection that I am feeling. I feel hopeless. I’m trying to find peace in Gods word and I am but this feeling of emptiness won’t leave me. I want to fight for her but something is just telling me to forget about it its over she’s not coming back and we will never be with each other and often times I feel like a coward because I left her and my family.

I often wonder about my life and if it means anything. It seems like the most important things I have lost becasue of poor decisions like my family and my credit. So now I’m complaining but I want all of my family but I can’t make her love me and I understand I’m just trying to get rid of this hurt. So I give it to Jesus. I cursed at her and threatened her life because she told me that I couldn’t see my children so she put an order on me. I feel like I was set up anyways. I probably was because when I was away from her I had relations with another women while she was pregnant. And I am like I was even a christian then. So I’m always asking myself what is wrong with me why did I do such horrible things to her. I think I am crazy often times, but I profess to be a christian. I even witness to people. Now you can see why I often tell myself that i hate myself. I have lost so much my family and my children mother who if I was couragous enough I should have married her. But I didn’t and she had two children for me. So now I feel so hopeless like Idon’t deserve any good thing anymore. That is why I don’t date women. I don’t have a car and I can’t find a woman who is attractive to me on the outside. Plus I have two children and I want their mother because I want to be a father. I want to raise my children. But it seems like I can never make enough money to support my children or myself. And I pay tithes and give offerings and I go to church, it just seems like there is no end to my sufferings. The list goes on and on. But I hear God saying that all things work together for the good to them that love God and are called according to his purpose. I may never have another chance with my childrens mother. She has already told me that she dosen’t want me. I just have to believe that God has someone special for me he said he’d give me the desire of my heart. Not someone that just because she is a christian that she is my wife, but someone that I love and that God loves. I don’t want to give up hope withmy childrens mother but all the signs are saying its over let go and I have let go but these feelings still remain and I’m trying to let go and move on without any bitterness or feeling like a failure because I didn’t try to get her back. I’m still praising God in Jesus name no matter how the pain feels, please pray for me and give me encouragement or whatever I need to hear to heal my heart. I have apologized to her and will do it over and over again until she is satisfied if that is what it would take to heal her. Please help me thanks.

This is my testimony.

I am not a perfect person. I have sinned in the eyes of the Lord and I constantly ask Him daily for forgiveness. I have wronged my husband (a God-fearing man) and he has overlooked my wrongdoings and forgiven me. I never thought a person could be forgiven without vengeance. It has helped me become a better person and also taught me the value in forgiveness that God has taught us. I thank Him(God) daily for loving me with flaws and all. This saying stays in my thoughts daily and I just want to share that “God is Good all the Time and All the Time God is Good”. Amen

I have been struggling with a relationship for a long time. A person who was very close to my husband and I. When my husband passed 9 years ago, this friend was there constantly and after a couple of years he professed his love for me which had been with him for 35 years. He is married but in name only. He still lives in the same house with her. She sometimes goes away with him but encourages him to take me when she is working.

We have been intimate and I have tried to stop this part of the relationship many times. This last time has been for 7 months. He still visits me and wants to go on trips with me but I know the intimacy would begin again.As it is it is very hard to not do anything when he visits. He is very much a part of my kids and grandkids lives. We all love him very much. He won’t leave his wife as he would lose half of everything he owns including his pension. I have tried dating others but he keeps getting in the way. And so I struggle with doing the right thing. I am a Christian in every sense relying on God’s word and will to keep strong, but as I grow older, I want companionship in my life. I am 69 (life and love does not stop as we age) and it has been 9 1/2 yrs since my husband died. I should be content as my kids are close and my grandkids are close and I do keep busy yet something is missing. Any words from someone who has been there.

Thanks for this website (I just found it). It’s wonderful.

My brothers (Bob and Joe) and I had gotten into this huge argument. We split up and then I heard Joe playing loud music, screaming, cursing and I got worried. I thought he was under demonic influence. I prayed after a short time with tears running down my face while looking out my window. I saw a face formed by clouds that seemed to be smiling at me like everything was going to be alright. I think it was an angel’s face. As it passed over the house, the music stopped and it was quiet!

A testimony in my life that proves that the Almighty never leaves us or forsakes us. I would just like to share these powerful thoughts with you that Christ shared with me. The day of judgment may come tomorrow, but Christ is here today. Not to just provide us with our daily needs, but pour his Holy Spirit upon us. To continually help us grow form sinners to warriors, beggars to philanthropists, babes to men, cheaters to healers and liars to prophets. God does not expect us to be stagnant. He did not offer us his Salvation to watch us not prosper in his Spirit. I’m not just talking about prospering financially! In his Spirit, we are able to do all things according to his will in our life. That’s the true prosperity being delivered.

The lord needs Warriors in Christ. Who will dare to step out and put the full armor of Christ on? Who would follow the words of the Prophet Samuel if he told you today you would be King of Israel? Would you be like David and walk out in pure faith and face a 9’ tall behemoth with a slingshot, knowing God always secures your victory when you are with Him, and He is with you?

Or will you be like Saul and stay hidden behind the equipment when god has chosen you to lead? Don’t get me wrong, there is so much more to the lives of Saul and David, but in there days before becoming kings, there was a stark contrast of when they were faced with powerful decisions to make. For me, I would face Goliath with my slingshot. I did, and delivered my family back into the hands of the Almighty. The Word of God strikes true every time. No ifs, ands or buts!!!!

This is my testimony. My name is Anthony Torres. My beautiful wife’s name is Michelle. My two children are Ezekiel, who is 10, and my daughter is Moriah,9 years old. (she is named after Mount Moriah).Today we are a strong family in Christ. My kids need to come to know Christ, but my wife and I, we are truly one flesh. It has not always been that way though.

I was not a very good husband. This is not difficult for me to say. It is the truth. I consistently lied to her, spent money when I should have paid bills. I treated my friends better than her. I never physically abused my wife. But the emotional damage of being lied to by someone that supposedly loves you has devastating effects. I lied about so many things. Just feared the truth. So I lied. Period.

I am not just talking a about a few times this happened, I am talking years. I was Saved. I learned so much about the bible and Christ. There was several times that the Holy Spirit chastised me and I would turn from my evil ways and HE would pour His Spirit on me. But it never lasted long. My free will always took over and I went back to my old ways.

We were married in December of 1994. I will fast forward to November 2004. We were close to divorce, so we decided to seek some professional advice to see what if anything we could do to change this behavior. Instead of bringing it to the Lord, I chose to see a psychiatrist. The worst decision in my life. But my intentions were pure. I wanted to save my marriage. So I went…He asked me about 10 questions and decided I WAS Bi-Polar. Huh? But the devil made it sound so convincing, that the symptoms sounded like my behavior. He told me if I took these medications I would feel amazingly different. Well, to shorten this testimony a bit, over the next 3 and a half years they gave me over 20 different anti-psychotics,Benzo’s, sleeping pills, pain pills, and drugs that could easily kill an elephant. My memory of the last 3 and a half years has been wiped away. I don’t remember much. Only a few things here and there. Apparently, it did little to change my behavior. But besides that, it robbed me of my confidence, self-worth, health, business, job, seeing my kids grow up and finally, my marriage.

In august 2006, my wife told me she wanted a divorce, she could no longer do it. God bless her, she never gave up until that point. I don’t remember her telling me. The drugs had completely altered my brain and life. I could no longer feel anything. I was a zombie. Comatose. The walking dead.

In November 2006, she moved out, but I had no place to live, our lease was up. She allowed me to move in with her. She was still going through with the divorce.

Then, things took a turn for the worst on March 16^th 2007, I threatened my wife and her brother. I have absolutely no memory of this happening. I do remember the police showing up with a temporary restraining order. They asked me to leave. They took me to a hotel for a few days that my wife had paid for.

I had finally hit rock bottom But how did this happen? I had never, ever threatened my wife or kids. Its something that never crossed my mind. I love my family. I knew god, I’m quite intelligent, analytical, a leader with courage, a good father. What had happened to me?

On the third day of being in the hotel, it happened. It was like this happened yesterday. I was completely drugged on meds when the lord appeared to me. At that moment, all the medication in me was drawn from my body. Holy Spirit Style!!!!! Then the lord looked straight at me and said, “ Have you had enough?” He didn’t say it in a way to chastise me, but with his arms opened wide, like a fathers. I was FREE! Amazing Grace was poured upon me. Peace was back. I got up, and swore my life to Him, and have no longer touched a pill since.

The Lord and I spoke. I realized that I wasn’t Bi-Polar. Never was. I just fell prey to the subtle ways of the devil and my free will. I never had 1 day of withdrawals. All in one fell swoop of the Lord, here’s some of what he did for me that night. All the glory goes to Jesus. Its nothing I did:

1. He saved me from certain death from the medications that night.

2. Set me Free

3. Poured a Double portion of the Holy Spirit on me.

4. Restored my faith

5. Restored my confidence

6. Restored my Love for him

7. Restored my compassion and love for people.

8. No longer do I lie. The truth set me free

9. My warrior feelings restored

10. Everlasting peace

11. Wisdom

12. Knowledge

13. The list goes on and on and on.

So much in just one night. I knew what I had to do.

I had lost everything. My wife, kids, business, job, no money or food, no place to live, my connection to god was restored though.

All the worldly things gone. EVERYTHING!! Now, God had something to work with. Praise God. This is not a question of why it happened, but Glory to God that he gets all the credit and praise for all He did for me this night.

I knew I had to start somewhere. I wanted my wife back. Only Jesus could do that. So, that’s where he started. At first, I was going to give her the divorce uncontested, but again the lord appeared and said” I made Michelle and you one, let no man separate you.” I decided to tell her I changed my mind and refused to give her the divorce. According to the will of God.

Well, needless to say, I believed God would change Michelle’s mind, and BAM!! It took a little while, but here is what he did in less than 2 months:

1. She dropped the T.R.O

2. I moved back in.

3. He restored our marriage to a place that I wish all could feel.

4. My kids are doing well in school again.

5. We have confessed to Him we would mold our lives according to his will. Together.

6. She has her wedding ring back on.

God is the Great Healer. In all things. I know you will agree. I want to begin to tell people of the powerful testimony God has done in our lives. I have only told 2 people so far, but now its time,. There is so much more to this testimony that I have begun a book about it. The struggles of marriage, losing hope, getting hope back, restoration, peace, improvement, and especially the Angels that God has put charge over us. (Psalm 91). Gods Amazing Grace. Never lose Hope or Faith, no matter how bad the situation may appear, keep praying and praise and worship. The devil will always make it look 10 times worse.

I am 39 now, but this I believe,

“ My last chapters will be my best.”

“ My final song will be my greatest.”

I have truly learned that it is better to spend one day in the footsteps of Christ and all that will occur following him, than one day without him in a this world alone. I made some bad decisions in this life, but Jesus never left me. Like I said before, there is a whole lot more to this testimony, vivid details of Him coming to me, my divine healing, and my wife turning back to me. Michele’s testimony through all this is so powerful also.

When I was saved back in 1995, I thrusted myself into learning the word of God. A Baptist pastor dedicated 2 years with me and 3 nights a week to teach me so much about the bible. I learned so many truths. But still thought I could do certain things on my own. Man was I wrong.

I will say this today… I am in a place of everlasting peace. I wish all could feel what I feel. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my faults, but don’t we all. I just continually allow Jesus to show me them on a daily basis and try to change them.

Jamie and I first started dating my second year at the Merchant Marine academy. Neither of us were Christians at the time, and we were both very involved in the kind of college life that rules our universities and campuses today. In the beginning of our relationship, I cheated on her frequently. At that time I didn’t think the relationship was going to amount to anything so I didn’t take it too seriously. When I was a child, my mother once told me she wouldn’t want to know if my father ever cheated on her. She said that sin would be between he and God, and that by him telling her the burden would become hers to forgive. As a young kid growing up, I always took that to mean that I could cheat on the people that I was dating and only have to worry about hurting myself since it was just between me and God.

As the months wore on and Jamie and I continued to date, it became harder to remain unemotionally attached to Jamie. No matter how hard I tried it was impossible. Jamie could always make me smile, with her sweet disposition and gentle smile. Even though I had tried to stop it, we had become friends. As the months passed, the guilt began to weigh upon me for the way I was treating her. And as I faced my second term out at sea, this time lasting eight months, I decided that I wanted to pursue a real relationship with her. I realized that I could see myself being happily married to this girl. For almost eight months after this decision I remained faithful and ceased to cheat with other girls. But I had not fixed the root of the problem. My change was not based on God’s word.

It was midway through my junior year on a winter afternoon when I received a call one night from Jamie. I knew at once that this was something serious. She was crying hysterically and couldn’t get any words out. Finally she managed to blurt it out. She had just taken a pregnancy test. The results had come out positive. A long silence hung over the phone. In those moments, the walls of my world closed in all around me. I tried to breathe but couldn’t. A million thoughts began to run through my head as I strived to escape the reality that slowly began to seep into my consciousness. I struggled at first, trying to shake off this immense sense of responsibility and burden that now weighted down on me like a ton of bricks. I realized though in that same instant that this was going to be my burden to bear, and that it was not going away.

The time passed slowly before I was able to come up with any sort of response. This only made Jamie more upset as she sobbed uncontrollably, pleading with me to say anything at all. I knew in that moment that I needed to step up and be the man, to support her and tell her everything was going to be okay. To my own shame, all I could manage was, “I think I am going to throw up.” Yet after a few moments I was able to take a deep breath and pulled myself together. “Jamie, it’s going to be okay,” I told her. “Whatever happens we are going to have this baby, and everything is going to be alright. We’ll get through this together.”

The next couple weeks were difficult as we struggled to tell our parents, and to sort everything out. Both of our parents, surprisingly, were supportive in the end. This helped to make it easier on both of us. Unfortunately, after I began to realize that my world was not going to end, I began to settle back down in the same lifestyle I had been living. I knew that things in my life needed to change badly, but I wasn’t yet ready to make that choice.

Three months passed by, and our lives had started to settled down a bit. It was at this time that I began tutoring a girl at school who had been struggling in navigation. After a few weeks of tutoring her, she began to proposition herself to me continually over a period of several weeks. In the beginning I tried to resist, but eventually I gave in to her and my own desires. The truth was, things like this had become almost second nature in my life. I had become a slave to my flesh, and I truly had no idea just how bound by it I had become. Unfortunately, Jesus had yet to break those chains. Though it had been eight months since I had quit cheating, my resolve had not been tested by any real fire.

In the days that followed, I felt absolutely sick to my stomach. Jamie was my best friend, three months pregnant with my child, and I was about to throw it all away for one night with a woman I barely knew. The reality of what I had done slowly began to sink in. I was disgusted with myself and began to see for the first time the reality of the ugly person that I had become. I didn’t know many things at this point, but I knew that this was not who I wanted to be. I had to do something about my life, and I had to do it fast. I severed the relationship quickly after that, but unfortunately the damage had been done.

Over the next couple months I tried to forget about what I had done and once again began to try and make serious changes in my life. In truth, the reality of what I had done had showed me how desperately I needed help, and for the first time in a very long time I began to look around to see how I might put back together the broken pieces of my life. I wanted something real, something that could truly change me from the inside out, to save me from this ugly, despicable person that I had become. I had grown up in a Christian home, and was fortunate in that I had seen God move in powerful ways at a young age. I had always been vaguely inspired by it, but had decided that there were too many things in life I wanted to experience before I would ever worry about that. However, this time I was at the end of my rope. Faced with this reality, I began to truly seek God out for the first time in my entire life. I knew there was something real out there. I knew that my God cared about me and loved me, but I needed to know that He would take me back after all I had done. That even after all the horrible things I had done that He wanted me back as a part of His family.

And so I began to go to church again. I even started to open a book called “The Purpose-Driven Life” as well as the Bible each day. One night, I decided to attend the weekly CFC (Christian Fellowship Club) meeting. I had not been there since early my freshman year. I came in late this particular night, and there was a Christian midshipmen who I had seen walking around recently giving the message that night. He was preaching a hard-line message about not having one foot in the world and one foot in Christ. He said that we needed to not be lukewarm, and that we had to have either two feet in the world or out. I remember thinking that this message was a little harsh to be preaching in this environment. They were lucky half of the kids in this room even bothered to show up. I had never met anyone at our school willing to live the kind of life that this student described.

As the days passed by, I realized wanted to talk to this young man. I needed to tell someone what I was going through who might be able to steer me in the right direction. I was sure that this guy had something real, something different from all the rest. One night as I passed him in the hall he put his hand out and stopped me: “Hey, God spoke to you the other night didn’t He?” I responded, “Umm…maybe? Why?” He looked at me smiling, “Well, if you ever want to talk about it my room is on the second deck closest to the mess hall.” That night, propelled by an unseen force I would later learn much about, I wandered into his room and began to tell this young man who I had just met everything about my life and what I was feeling. By the end of the conversation I had told him practically my entire life story. In the end, he told me it was up to me and I could make a real, lasting commitment right then and there if I truly meant what I was saying. I made a commitment to the Lord that night. Once and for all time, I was going to leave behind the person I had become never turn back. I didn’t realize how much my life would be changed forever that night.

A few weeks later I began having extremely frightening, demonic nightmares. I would wake up so scared that I would go and wake up one of my best friends, Glenn, and talk to him about the dream. I had never really had nightmares in my life, so I didn’t know how to deal with it. One weekend, though a couple of pastors were at our campus and I talked to them specifically about a bothersome dream that I had. He told me that it sounded like I had some serious issues in my past and some things that God wanted to dig up. I had a vague notion of what he might mean, but shuddered at the mere thought of what that entailed. I asked my friend Glenn what he thought. At this point he was the only person in the world who knew what I had done. He didn’t waste anytime at all in telling me what he thought. He looked me in the eyes and said, “Brendan, you need to tell Jamie what you did.” I told him that was the most stupid, idiotic idea I had ever heard. I told him I thought he was crazy. I had already hurt myself enough and there was no reason to hurt her. After all, I was a changed person now. At this point, I began to yell and became angry at the notion that I needed to tell her what I did. Glenn responded that he didn’t think that God wanted hidden things in my relationship with Jamie. Finally, he told me that he couldn’t say what God wanted but said I should get down on my knees and ask God what to do.

I knew he was exactly right. So that moment I got down on my knees, and I asked God what I should do. For the first time I gave up my whole situation to Him. I said, “God, even if it means I lose Jamie, and I don’t get to be with the woman I love I will follow you whatever you tell me to do. Even if it means I have visitation rights with this child, I know that somehow it will be okay so long as I am following you.” And so I laid it down before God and for the first time I felt a willingness to tell her, no matter what the cost.

About fifteen minutes later, Jamie called me on the phone and one of the first things she asked me was, “Brendan have you ever cheated on me?” She went to tell me that she had had a dream the night before in which I cheated on her. I had to tell her the truth. I took this as a direct sign from God that I needed to tell her the truth. I told her about all the times in the beginning of our relationship and most painfully the time not so long ago when she was three months pregnant with our child.

Things did not go well after this. There was a lot of screaming, yelling and crying on both sides. She broke up with me almost immediately after our conversation, saying that she didn’t want to ever see me again and there was no way I was ever going to have any sort of relationship with this child. I had planned on going to see her that weekend. And even though she said she didn’t want me to come anymore, I went anyways. For some reason, she let me stay, and by the end of the weekend she had said she wanted to try and make things work between us. Although I could see she had a desire to try, I could tell she was badly hurt and there was a lot of inner healing that needed to take place for her and I to ever be okay. I knew only a miracle could save us now. I also knew deep down I deserved no such miracle.

What I did not know and what I would learn much later from her was that for most of her life, Jamie had been suicidal. She had told me once she had tried to slit her wrists a few years back, but I had thought it was an isolated incident from when she was younger. She had a rough life growing up and had experienced a lot of pain from the way people had treated her, bad relationships, and other things that she herself had done that she couldn’t manage to forgive herself for. I didn’t know this either at the time, but she was planned on killing herself once the baby was born and leaving it with a member of the family.

Jamie went on to tell me that a month before I told her that I had cheated on her, she’d had a dream about Jesus. In the dream they were in a long hallway and He was speaking to her, but she had no idea what He was saying. She couldn’t make it out, but she told me she had just remembered waking up with the most inexplicable sense of peace. One day, not too long after I had gone home to visit her, I received a call from Jamie, and I could barely understand her she was so excited. I asked her what was the matter, and she told me I would never believe what happened to her that day. She told me she was at her desk that morning, organizing her files. Later she told me that normally during this time of day she would get depressed and think about what I had done. Yet for some reason this day was different. She decided to pray for the girl I had committed the sin with, and that this young girl might be saved. She identified with this girl in some ways and with times in her life when she had been the ‘other woman’, and prayed this young girl would be saved from the misery that she was facing. As she began praying, she said that all of the sudden she was in the room from her dream. And again Jesus was speaking to her, but this time she could understand everything He was saying. She was in a big room and there was a large cross at one end. By the cross on either side she said she saw my “sin” and her “sin” in the shape of dark clouds. She noticed though that they were on the same level. And then she said that Jesus told her that He loved me in a way she never could, and that really I had hurt Him so much more than I had hurt her. And that He still forgave me. She told me she remembered standing there stunned, thinking to herself, “How could I not have forgiven him?” And because of this revelation she told me she realized that because I had been forgiven that she was as well. And as she realized this she saw her sin cloud drift away. She felt all of her hurt, pain, sorrow, and the sadness she had carried around with her for so long lift off her shoulders all at once. She said she had never felt so light in her life, and all of the sudden she was filled with this intense joy and a desire to tell others about what had just happened to her. As the clouds lifted, Jesus took her to different times in her life when she had tried to kill herself . Except now each time she saw Him in the room with her. I asked her what He was doing in the room and she replied, “Waiting.” “Waiting for what?” I asked. And she answered, “Waiting to stop me if I ever tried anything”. Jamie was never the same after this. God changed her entire life and took away the pain she had known and lived with her whole life and He replaced it with a joy that is written all over her face.

I had made a horrible mess of my life, and I had almost lost everything that was dear to my heart. But because I had decided to follow Jesus the rest of my life, He had blessed me and answered my prayers for Jamie and myself in a way I never thought possible. I knew that it would take an act of God for her to ever be able to truly forgive me, and for things between her and I to be made right again. However, I had no idea of the immense scope and nature of what God had planned.

It wasn’t until I gave the situation up to Him, and said that I would follow Him to the ends of the earth, EVEN if it meant that Jamie and Rhianna wouldn’t be coming with me, that He gave me what I thought I had lost back better than when I had lost it. Today, because I have made this decision to follow Jesus in my life, I have the most amazing family…a wife that loves Jesus as much as I do, and the most beautiful little girl you have ever seen.

Matthew 6:33

“Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these other things shall be added unto you.”

Hi, this is my first time writing on here.  This seems to be a wonderful website, and I have enjoyed much of the testimony that I have read.  The Lord seems to be with you all.

I am newly married, have been for only 3 months.  I have entered a difficult time in my life and am having faith that God will make all well. 

For the last few weeks I had been wondering about where I stood with my wife.  Eventually I told her that I felt I was not a priority to her and that there were several others in her life including herself that come before me.  I have felt neglected and taken for granted.  I do love her unconditionally with all my heart and try to show her that daily, however I have not felt the same way.  She opened up to me when I come to her about this and informed me that her heart had been wounded from a previous relationship and with all the worrying about other things and convictions from her past she wasn’t able to give me all of herself at the moment.  She informed me that she thought she was not ready yet to marry when we did, but that she did not want to lose me. 

This really crushed me at the time and broke my heart.  This was last week.  I told her this was so hard for me because I had never in my life been the center of someone’s attention or a real importance to anyone (including parents), so when we married I thought I had found it in her.  I have been going to the Lord for strength and guidance and do feel better.  She is also seeking the Lord to take care of her heart and give her that love for me that she and I desire.  We are going to counseling starting in a couple of weeks, but I can’t say that I am yet 100% confident in the end result.  We have been open with each other and get along.  We know what each of us must do and are committed to it.  I just hope and pray all is well soon. 

Sorry to ramble on, but if anyone has any words of encouragement and strength I would truly appreciate it.  This is a hard time for me.  Thank you so much for your time.