Testimony Share

This is hard for me because I’ve never told anyone any of this.
How has God changed my life? In many ways. I was saved years ago….I’m 24 now….and I was saved when I was young….to be honest I have no idea what the exact age was….probably 8 or so…I am guessing…but anyway, when I was in 5th grade, I met a guy and become really good friends with him. Let’s call him Mark. Mark and I were friends for several years. But in 6th grade, at the end of 6th grade, I fell into this terrible depression. I remember all I wanted to do was sit in my bedroom with the door closed and cry and listen to this sad country song that said something like “Is it over yet? I can’t take seeing you packing your things are leaving” and the reason for this was because I saw Mark with another girl at the end of the school year and that hurt. Even though we weren’t romantically involved, it was scary to me because Mark was older than I was and this girl was as old as he was and I thought that maybe they were closer than I would be with Mark. And that hurt. That hurt a lot. I remember that summer one incident was when my mom told me to get ready to go to the bank. I felt terrible and I remember thinking “I don’t feel like going! Oh no!” I didn’t even want to go to the bank. Some time later, maybe months later…I don’t know how much time later…I did however read in a magazine that my mom had an article about depression. It was then and there I self-diagnosed myself with depression. I remember specifically the article told about a woman who said she looked outside the window at a leaf and for no apparent reason cried like crazy. That was me in a nutshell I decided. I never told anyone of this depression. Just kept it hidden. For years I suffered with it. Probably until I was 17. Then after all I had been through with Mark, he left. Mark just dropped out of school and I never saw him again. And that hurt. I lost all contact with him. Mark was the only friend I had in high school. I was so upset over him leaving. I remember one night I listened to a Christian teen talk radio program. The hosts on the show spoke of the sancty of life. I felt so guilty that some people didn’t even have a chance in life and I did and I was contemplating suicide at the time and God helped me through that. I sobbed my eyes out.

Then I went to college. I feel in love for the first time. It was the best feeling ever. However the guy that I was in love with didn’t know how I felt towards him. I would literally chase him all over the campus trying to get his attention. Trying to tell him how I felt about him but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t even say hi to him I was so caught up and tongue tied. I tried this for 2 semesters and by the last and final semester, semester 4 he was gone. I never saw him again. A repeat of what had happened to Mark. I always had hope that someday in the future we would meet again and be together. So for 2 years I waited for him and searched for him. One day, I went to MySpace and just typed in what I thought was his last name. His first name was Justin but I didn’t know exactly what his last name was because I had heard it once or twice and was afraid that I had heard it wrong. Anyway, I found his my space page. When the results page came up, I saw that he was in a relationship. I clicked on his profile page and lo and behold there he was. It was bad news, however. Someone had left a comment with something to the effect of “Justin, I miss you. I’m sitting here eating chicken wings but I can’t wait for our big day tomorrow.” The next day was Justin’s wedding day. And it didn’t involve me. I sobbed. I cried like there was no tomorrow. Justin had also moved out of state. I remember that I couldn’t fall asleep that night. I listened to music through my I pod. It was an awful night.

A few months later I lost my job because I stole from my employer. I remember stealing things from the store and asking God to help me hide the fact that I was stealing from everyone. I thought that no one would ever find out but one day I was called into the office and was asked why I was stealing and was fired. I felt so bad because I knew that what I did was wrong but it had gotten to the point where I didn’t care. So I risked my job and lost it. 3 months after loosing my job and activately searching for a new one, I felt so down so low because by that point in my life I didn’t have any friends, no social circle, In 20 something years of my live I never had a boyfriend. I had credit card bills piling up with no job no way to support myself. One night I went into the bathroom and got a razor blade and started cutting myself. I had always had a deep desire to cut myself. It was a sick, disgusting urge. I had finally let loose and did it. At the time, it felt good. Really, really good. I remember thinking “I’m so proud of myself for finally giving in” but at the same time I was scared that I was going to cut too deep or cut a major artery or vein or cut myself so that I would commit suicide. I prayed to God and told him I would never cut again because I knew that was the only way that I could stop. Making a pact with him was the only way. That night I didn’t get any sleep. I woke up in intervals and felt so bad. When it was finally morning I woke up and prayed to God and recited all the reasons why I didn’t want to live anymore. That day was tough for me. I felt so afraid that I was shaking like crazy and I thought, “Why don’t you understand what I am going through?” to people who talked to me that day. All I could think about was cutting myself again and how good it felt and how scared I was. That night before I went to bed I was so afraid that I cried out to God again and told him I was fighting the temptation and how bad I felt. He healed me. He totally healed me. He gave me a new outlook on life. Does life revolve around how many boyfriends I’ve had? Or if I have any friends? Or how many credit card bills I have? NO! The focus of my life needed to be God and he made me realize that and I knew before that I struggled with that. But now God is in the drivers seat of my life. Whereas before I was afraid to allow him to take control of my life. I am so thankful and feel so blessed to know God & to have the relationship that I have with him. God saved my life. More than once. At the time I was cutting, I knew it was wrong and I felt like God was saying something like, “I give you life and I’m here for you and this is how you repay me? This is what you do? Life isn’t good enough for you?” I always felt as if there was some protection working for me. And when I cut myself for the first time, I was so afraid of people knowing about it. I was so scared. I went on You Tube and searched for testimonies and when I heard about ways that God has helped other people I cried tears of joy. It was so emotional for me. While thinking of suicide, I would listen to Josh Groban and other songs of hope. One song in particular was Good Charlotte’s “Hold On” and the reason why I mention this song is because the song says something like, “Don’t stop searching. It’s not over.” While hearing these words, I thought “It is over. It is. There is nothing left for me to do but take my life.” I am so thankful to God for keeping me safe and for protecting me during the time when I needed him the most. God is my strength. Now all that garbage from the past doesn’t matter any more. It used to haunt me. I am so thankful to have the opportunity to tell my story to other people today. If I didn’t have God I wouldn’t be here today. He saved my life literally. He totally changed my outlook on life.
 
Posted on October 10, 2007

Hi Reader.

I have no idea why, but I’ve been wanting to write about my journey through faith for quite some time now. I just feel like I have a story, and it should be heard. I live in a small city  in Newfoundland, Canada, and I really feel like there is nothing I can do for God here sometimes. I feel like I’m trapped, and there’s nobody who I can even muster up the courage to tell my story to. My youth and senior pastor know a fair chunk of it, but not exactly by me telling them everything. I’ve only told them pieces here and there, and they’ve had to piece them together themselves as best as they can.

I don’t know how I will benefit by telling you my story but who knows? Maybe you’ll find an opportunity to tell this story yourself someday where someone in the same situations could benefit from it. Or maybe it will benefit your own life.

My story starts 12 years ago. I was 5 years old.  I remember doing something wrong in kindergarten one day, and when I came home from school, I received punishment that involved the use of a belt. I have no idea if that was my first time receiving this kind of punishment or not. This is my earliest memory of it though. I often think about this and wonder what I could possibly do at the age of 5 that was severe enough to receive such a punishment. But as the years went by, I realize that my crime didn’t really have to be very severe to get punished in that way.

I came from a big family. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters.  But for some reason, my family seemed to be split into 2 categories. There was the good side, and the bad side. Unfortunately for me and my sister Victoria, we were on the bad side. We could commit the littlest crime such as disrupting the teacher in class or being a few minutes past curfew and we were in big trouble. Punishments didn’t always consist of beatings. I remember having to stand for hours holding books and other random objects above my head until my arms were ready to drop. I remember having to stay in bed for weeks on end without being aloud to do anything. We were only to leave the bed if we wanted to use the washroom or if it was mealtime. And believe me, life can be pretty boring and restless when you have to lie in bed all day long and do absolutely nothing. We weren’t even aloud to sleep during the day because that would be like skipping our punishment. Let’s just say it wasn’t fun.

On the occasion that I wasn’t grounded it felt almost as if  I was. Both me and my sister were always confined to our rooms. We’d stay there all day long unless our parents told us otherwise. We would ask for permission to go outside. We even had to ask permission to use the washroom. We were never ever denied access to the washroom, but still it was rather an annoyance to have to even ask.

I lived with my parents for 14 years and I never ever once opened up the fridge door. I never ever went to any family events. When my parents went shopping I was to go as well, but only to sit in the car and wait for them. I had absolutely no freedom.
What hurt the most though was the emotional abuse. I’d constantly hear my mother on the phone telling about all of the good things that my other siblings done, while telling about that bad that me and Victoria had committed. Many of these things had not even been done by us, but by the ‘good side’ of the family. But they were obviously too good to be blamed for it so it’s obvious who always took the heat. There was no sense saying we didn’t do it though, because then we would be in trouble for lying on top of the crime that we never even committed. We were always put down and considered bad kids, and incapable of doing things, when I knew full well that I could do anything I put my mind to.

I did have a few things to take my mind away from home though. One was school. I loved school. Not many people like school, but I loved it. It was a  chance to get away from home for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. That was a golden opportunity. Reading was also effective. I loved reading more than anything. I could read for hours on end and forget everything that was going on around me. Reading also made my day go by a lot faster. I’d even read while I was grounded but on the occasion that I did get caught I’d end up with more time in bed. But the happy endings in the books always made it worth it.

Another thing that happened once a week to get me away from home was Sunday school. I was forced to go to Sunday school, but once again I didn’t mind. Me and my brother Steven would always sit in the back row and poke fun at everything that was said or done in the church. We would have a huge laugh. In Sunday school class, I always knew what they were teaching about though. Like I said, I was really into reading, so I had indeed read the Bible. I hadn’t read it because I believed it though. I read it because it was a book. A long one, that would take a long time to read, so therefore getting me out of my world and into a book for a long time.

The Bible was an awesome book. It was full of stories of every sort. The book of revelation was particularly interesting for me. It seemed to be a book of fantasy, full of  imaginary beats, and unbelievable events. Just my kind of book!
By reading the Bible and going to Sunday school, there were many times when I sort of wanted to believe what I was reading. Although this amazing love and grace seemed to be hiding behind a huge wall in my life because I could find it nowhere, I often wondered what my life could be like with it.

There were a few times when I actually prayed and asked for forgiveness to see if I could find that grace and love, but living in the situations I was in made it horribly impossible to even to anything good, let alone being a Christian.
Being good is hard when you’re marked as a bad person. I stole a lot, but only because I never did get anything like the rest of my siblings. What else was I supposed to do? I lied a lot because if I told the truth I’d be in just as much trouble. I was disruptive in class because being the class clown was the only way I’d feel connected. My classmate’s laughter at my silly jokes and pranks always made me feel connected.  So really, I was only bad because of my circumstances.
Needless to say, I was unable to become a Christian because it would be literally impossible.  So, I ended up putting it  out of my mind each time which made no difference because I didn’t really fully believe it anyway. I just always wondered what it would be like.

I lived this way until I was 14 years old. Then one day in school, we were doing a project on child abuse. I done exceptionally well on this project because I had first hand experience. Nobody outside of my family knew this though. During this project I learned about the options for people that are in that situation, and for the first time ever I learned that I didn’t have to put up with this. I could report it and get out of it. I didn’t really want to do it though because as much as my parents probably deserved it, I did not want them to get into any trouble. It did play on my mind for quite some time though.

My Best friend Janelle and I were building a snow fort one day and she could tell that there was something bugging me, and she kept asking about it until I finally told her. She was the first person I ever told about my situation. Her first words to me was that I should report it. I really didn’t want to do that though, and as much as she repeatedly told me to do it over the coming months, I could never just muster up the courage to do it. I was scared that something bad would happen to my parents or the rest of my family.

My parents ended up splitting up that June, and I went and stayed with my aunt for a bit. I loved it there. I had complete freedom and it was amazing. I was having the time of my life, and then one day my parents were planning on getting back together and I really didn’t want to go home just yet. Could you blame me? I asked to stay with my aunt for a little longer, and surprisingly, she agreed. One night we had a few friends over and somehow or another, a pornographic movie ended up being put into the VCR. I may have watched 10 minutes at most but then requested that it be turned off. It was definitely not my type of movie. It was gross. Like I said, I’m actually not a bad guy. It was just my circumstances.

Well, word gets back to my mother about the movie that we were watching. And 10 minutes to her is the same as the whole movie. She called me from our hometown which was about 150 kilometers away. She was really angry and told her that when they came to get me I would receive the worst punishment ever. Upon hanging up the phone I got to thinking, what could possibly be worse than what I had already put up with? I decided I would not go back to that life, and I would not receive that punishment. I phoned my mother back and for the first time ever, I had the courage to talk back to her. I told her that I put up with them for long enough and I was never coming back. This enraged both her, and my father. My father hopped into his vehicle at once to come and get me. I hung up the phone. I had about an hour and a half to figure something out before he got there.

After thinking about it, I ended up deciding to listen to Janelle and report them so I wouldn’t have to go back to that lifestyle.  So, I left my aunt’s house in a hurry and ran down the street towards the police station.

There was one police officer there, and so I told him my situation. While doing so, my father showed up at the police station and the officer would not let him in to see me. But I requested for him to be let in. I knew he could do me no harm there. He then gave me an option. The option was to come home with him the, or to stay and never ever be welcome at home again. I chose the second option. My father ends up going home in anger and I returned to my aunt’s house.

I spent practically all of that night crying. I had no idea what was to happen next. I was scared again. My father said it was over. Never again was I welcome back home. As much as I didn’t want to go home anyway, it still hurt to know that as of that moment I no longer had a family to return to.

Over the next few weeks, several events were brought to my attention. Social Services had received a court order and had shown up at my parent’s house to seize my siblings. My father put up a fight with the officer and ended up in the hospital for the night. The children were seized and placed in foster care. All of the blame rested on me. I was used to blame, but this was big. I was at fault for my whole family being torn apart. And although for once I wasn’t being punished, I felt horrible. I would gladly have taken a punishment to fix all that had happened.

I ended up going into foster care as well. Except not just in one place. Foster care really wasn’t my thing. I was bouncing from home to home, because I just would not let any particular place work out. I’d continually start fights and arguments and be switched to yet another home. This continued all summer.

Eventually, the social workers developed a visiting plan where my family would visit each other to try and patch things up. If all worked out, we would all go back home after Christmas. At first I wasn’t totally into the idea of visiting my parents and siblings. I didn’t want to see their looks of hatred and blame. The visits ended up not being half bad though. My family wanted things to work out so I guess they had no other choice but to get along with everybody.

One day, in the fall, I ended up getting into another argument with my foster parents, and it got to the point where I had to leave. My social workers had no idea what to do. There was no point placing me in another home. I was not going to let it work. They ended up getting my father to come and take me home. They were allowing me to come home earlier than I was supposed to. No more foster care for me! And maybe after all that had happened, my parents had changed.

So, I returned home, and a few weeks later, the rest of my family returned. Things went okay for a few months, until one day my father and I, got into a little argument which ended up leading to a big argument like the ones I used to have when I was in foster care. This as usual, resulted with me leaving and going to a different home! So I ended up moving in with my aunt. Then for the next couple of years, I started taking control of my life. I was sick of being forced to move around. I made up my mind to do things on  my own from now on. So the next two years were spent with me traveling across Canada, living with different friends and family, trying different jobs, going through girlfriends, facing new obstacles in life, while breaking down some old ones. I guess I could say I was searching for my identity. I could never find it though. As much as I searched, I just couldn’t find exactly what I was looking for. I didn’t even know exactly what I was looking for. So I end up coming back to my home in Gander, Newfoundland. I got involved with the youth group at the local Pentecostal church.

Our youth group is called DV8. I started going for fun. I’d show up and participate in the fun stuff, but as soon as the worshiping began, I left. I had no idea who I was at the time, and I was going through enough in life as it was, and so I really didn’t want to make room for some God who probably didn’t even exist.

We had a good youth pastor though. His name is Pastor Mike Freake. Let me tell you something about him. I never ever had respect for any man up until that point. As you can see, I hardly respected my father, and I was disruptive in school, so I obviously didn’t respect my teachers. I was disruptive in Sunday school, so there couldn’t have been much respect for my pastors and church leaders. But just hearing Pastor Mike talk made me want to respect him. He just seemed like the kind of person who really deserved it.

I ended up calling Pastor Mike aside one night after dv8 and asked him if he was okay with me going to youth just for the fun stuff and not staying for the worship. I was starting to feel guilty for taking advantage of pastor mike and his youth group. But Pastor mike, just waved my guilt aside and said I was more than welcome to come just for the fun stuff. Not everybody in the youth group is believers. But then he asked me why it was that I didn’t believe. I then started telling him some theories that I had picked up over the last few years that sort of state that God cannot exist. But he always came up with a rebuttal. I finally said to him, “Pastor, prove to me that God exists and I’ll believe.” He answered by saying that he didn’t have to prove to me that God exists. That’s all he said. Which got me to thinking what he meant by that. It played over my mind for quite some time after that. I was constantly thinking about it. I always said I couldn’t become a Christian because it would be literally impossible in my situation, but I was no longer in that situation. So, a part of me was trying to accept Jesus. At the same time though, I was scared. I just wasn’t ready for that. I stopped going to dv8 for a while after that. I knew I was changing, but I just wasn’t ready to yet.

Several months later I receive a phone call from my brother asking if I would go to dv8. None of my family were Christian. My brother also only went to dv8 for fun. So I decided to go with him and leave when he did.

That didn’t happen. I stayed to hear what Pastor Mike would preach on. And I enjoyed it. So I continued going. Every week. Pastor Mike’s sermons were awesome. He really has a gift. Then one night, I just started worshiping along with the rest. It was good. But I still didn’t pray and ask Jesus into my heart.  But less than 2 weeks later, I decided to give church a try as well. I went to an evening service and it was unbelievable. Then, all of a sudden, I was walking up to the alter. I was half way there when I realized exactly what I was doing. I couldn’t turn around then.  But upon reaching the alter, I started praying. Like I said, I’ve prayed a few times before, but nothing like what poured out of my heart that night. I prayed for forgiveness, and I finally accepted Jesus Christ as my risen Lord and Savior.

When I finished praying, I swear I was the happiest guy on earth at that moment. It felt awesome. I was free. Free from the standards of sin and death. It was amazing. After the service, I went up and told Pastor Mike what I had done, and he was thrilled. He presented me with a brand new study bible.

I went home that night and started to read it. It was no longer just a book to me. This was a guide to my life. To the life I have always wanted. The next few months were awesome. I was on fire for God. I carried my bible everywhere. Within 6 weeks the cover was falling off of my Bible. I spent hours on end at the church helping out or sometimes just hanging out. The church was my second home. God was everything in my life. It was amazing! Every single day I was learning more and more. I was slowly beginning to realize who I was. I was finding my identity. Things were going great!

My earliest memories are of nightmares. As a young boy living in Oklahoma I seemed to have a pretty good life. My mother and father worked and I grew up in daycare. I had three half brothers and a half sister though I never met her until years later. Family life was rough. My father was constantly in debt and addicted to alcohol and drugs. He abused my mother on a regular basis and I think it was this environment that left me open to such spiritual attack as a child. From the age of two I would have nightmares of monsters and boogie men. One night I remember laying in bed trying to sleep after a particularly bad fight and looking at my night light. It had a glass base with a sculpture inside of a little boy who had been fishing. He was feeding his earthworms to some little birds in a nest. It had been a comforting scene in the past. This night though I remember the sculpture turning to look at me. It appeared then as if the boy came out of the glass and was a menacing presence. I got scared and shut my eyes. This had always worked in the past if I just shut my eyes it would go away. Only this time I didn’t. So I jumped out of bed and ran to my parents room. They had somehow made up after yet another fight and were both asleep. I stood in the hallway looking at them then I turned to look back down at my room and the boy was already on his way down the hall after me. I screamed and jumped into bed with my parents. The boy came into the room. I hid my head under the covers as my parents stirred. The boy had vanished and I found rest in their bed that night.

Some time later, when dad began to beat me, mom decided it was time for us to leave. So one day instead of daycare I stayed home with mom. My uncles from Texas showed up in trucks and a Uhaul and we left. We moved to Texas without my dad knowing that we were even thinking of going. I missed him terribly and didn’t understand why we had to go. I was almost five when we moved to Texas. Life was fun at first we stayed on my grandparents farm where I had fun with my two cousins and in many ways they became the serrogate brothers to replace the ones I had left behind.

I had a hard time differentiating between truth and story growing up. When my cousins and I would tell ghosts stories I would get overtaken by an intense fear. It didn’t help that my grandparents farm house was a two story farm home over two hundred years old and most of my aunts and uncles all had their ghost stories about it.

After a few months of living on the farm my mother found a job in the city and we moved into a duplex. I was still plagued by nightmares and scary visions. Our new home in town had a small berry bush outside my mothers window and I remember one time I saw a black almost shadow like substance dart into that bush and disappear.

My parents had attended a protestant church in Oklahoma and I had been raised with a basic Sunday School knowledge of God and Jesus. I didn’t understand why we had left Oklahoma and I cursed God on a regular basis for taking me from my father. I had a conversation at some point with my father over the phone and he told me that the Devil had my mother and that it was my job to pray for them to get back together. I got occasional letters from my father but when I was nine he died. It was at his funeral that I met my half sister for the first, and only, time. My fathers death embittered me toward God and I became increasingly iconoclastic.

While I was in elementary school I was also diagnosed with Aortic Valvular Stenosis of the left ventricle artery. My diagnosis was grim. I don’t remember all the ins and outs of it but I wasn’t expected to live long past my teens and I was immediately taken out of all athletics in school. Teachers were scared because I would come in from lunch pale and with purple lips after playing on the playground.

Life became harder. My mother couldn’t find any insurance to take me because I was a guaranteed loss. She was working as an accountant for a bar behind our house and was constantly worried and stressed out. My mother had been raised Catholic and left the church as soon as she left the house. She raised me to believe that organized religion was not to be trusted and that no one belief was better than another. She taught me that to experiment with drugs was expected but never to do anything too hard. She also introduced me to witchcraft. She unknowingly taught me that when dealing with spiritual things she had learned from some hippies in the 60’s that you were supposed to make a circle around yourself to keep out bad spirits.

It was around that same time that I discovered a passion for reading. My favorite books pertained to magic and dragons anything to escape and get me away from the pain of the real world. I delved at a young age into eastern mysticism and into Native American religions. I remember at one point I felt so in tune with the spiritual energies around me that i could run through my backyard out into the front yard and not even need to stop to open the gate in front of me. It would open before me and shut behind me.

In the midst of my growing interest with the very things I had lived in fear of for so long I remember telling God that I was tired of being “sick” and I wanted to be able to play like a normal boy.

I also remember making the conscious decision to no longer be afraid of the things that went bump in the night but to instead be the thing that people feared.

In the seventh grade I found a friend in english class who also read many of the same fantasy and horror books that I did. We became fast friends sharing this in common. It was around that same time that bullies became a real problem and he and I were both bullied by a group of older boys. That summer I hit puberty and became larger than the bullies and they quit bullying me.

I went on to high school but my middle school buddy did not go to the same school I did, so I had to start over and found friends once again that read all the same books I did. On one particularly bad day I was sitting in the lunch room with an older friend and began discussing a character out of one of our books. This character was easily identified with by me because of his sick weakly stature, but he became a wizard and soon both challenged and managed to kill a Goddess in the series. I remember asking my friend if he ever wished that all that magic stuff was real and looked me square in the eye and said that it was. He wanted to show me so I came over to his house for a sleep over one weekend. He pulled several store bought spell books and psychic manuals. We immediately began to try putting out candle flames with our minds and found some exciting success. That night I became a witch.

By my sophomore year there was a core group of five male witches at our high school. One of the guys mother was a member of the Texas Council for Magickal Arts and so we all had a pretty good hook up into the occult. We all frequented the new age and witchcraft shops around town. i became adept and finding and communicating with “Spirit Guides” reading Tarot cards and the like. My friends and I would all have sleep overs and practice witchcraft together. I lived this way from my freshman year of high School until I was 21 years old.

It was after I graduated high school that I delved deeper and more seriously into the witchcraft. Out of high school I had no goals or plan for life so I went to Massage Therapy school. I also learned Reiki which is simply another form of Witchcraft. I remember in the class at the end of it we went through a guided mediation to meet with a powerful spirit guide. In the vision I didn’t find a spirit guide but I saw myself standing at the feet of Jesus sitting on a throne frozen in a block of ice. The vision so disturbed me that I wouldn’t share it with the others in the class.

While I was in classes I found a job working at the mall in a seasonal Halloween store. There I met two lesbian witches and two Christians. I was really taken by the beauty of one of the Christians and instantly thought she was out of my league. By the end of the season though she and I were dating and sleeping together.

It was because of her parents that I first went to church. They were threatening to break us up if I didn’t at least visit their church. They had been told by their daughter that I attended another local church. So I did what any good witch would do for the sake of so called love, I geared up with all of my amulets and talismans underneath my shirt and I went with her to church. I had heard of this church it was a charismatic mega church and among the witchcraft community it was rumored that these Christians were crazy. I instantly disliked the businessy feel of the building but when I made it into the main Sanctuary I saw this bald, goatee clad man with an electric guitar rocking out in worship and I thought, “Man this looks nothing like my grandmothers Catholic Church.”

By the end of service I had so enjoyed myself that I told my girlfriend we could go back sometime if her parents forced us to.

Eventually the girl and I became engaged. One late evening after she had been hanging out with a witch friend and me, I asked her what she thought of my “religion”. Up to this point I had always been very confrontational about Christianity and could out argue her easily because she was lukewarm at best and had no idea how to defend a faith she herself didn’t practice. This night was different though…I had been explaining to my witch friend a new character I had developed for a role playing game I designed. When out of my mouth, not even in my voice, I began to quote scripture and explain the nature of truth to my friend. My fiance recognized it as scripture and was blown away by what I had just said, but I just played it off as if “just because I wasn’t a Christian didn’t mean I didn’t know what the Bible said”. My witch friend applauded my speech and went home. I was shaken by the experience and somehow was open to hearing what my fiance had to say about my religion.

So I asked her, “What do you think of my religion?”, she simply responded that it was demon worship. I flew off the handle with her and drove her home.

Later that night I was performing a ritual and cast my circle. I was surrounded by years worth of acquired witchcraft paraphernalia. Incense was burning as a sacrifice to my idols I had around the room. A Buddha, dancing Shiva, Tiki head, etc. and I sat on my bed enfolded in my robe and began to think this one thought. “What if she’s right?” My mind began to repeat that question and I grew cold and a cloud seemed to descend upon the room. Even though it was lit by many candles it became difficult to see and I once again got under my covers and tried to shut my eyes to lock out the fear, just as I had done so often as a little boy. I peeked out and it was as if a curtain had been lifted and I saw all around me not idols of wood and brass but laughing mocking figures that had no good intentions for me, but the evil had almost a physical presence. I despaired.

Just then in the deepest fear I had ever felt a voice spoke to me. Not like the voices of the spirits I had long communicated with but a voice of gentle rain, but also powerful thunder. It was a warm voice and a soothing voice and with two words it banished the fear and the images. The voice simply said “I AM“. The voice was so real and shocking that I jumped from my bed and began looking through my house believing that a friend was playing some trick on me. I found no one though and I blew out the candles snuffed the incense and as I began to fall asleep I heard another similar voice begin to tell me how much He loved me and I drifted off.

Six months later my fiance and I had completed our pre-marriage classes and went for our first meeting with the pastor she had chosen to marry us. He was a kindly older gentleman by the name of Phil Mercado. He began speaking to us and asked us where we were with the Lord. Now my fiance knew this was coming and she had been coaching me on the drive to the church to say that Jesus Christ was my Lord and Savior. I told her I got it and to shut up and leave me alone. So Pastor Phil says, “I don’t know you that well so tell me if you were to die today where would you go?” I said Heaven. To me heaven was an ambiguous place like the Elysian fields or the happy hunting grounds. He followed up by asking me “Why?”. I was dumb founded. I knew somehow I was supposed to say that Jesus Christ was my Lord and Savior but the words would not come out of my mouth. I sputtered some drivel about W.W.J.D. and always trying to do the right thing. Pastor Phils’ face fell, he opened his bible and shared the Romans road with me and then he said that for his own sake would we object to being led in a prayer. We agreed and got down on our knees there in his office in front of his desk. I repeated the words he was saying but in my mind it was as if I was kneeling before the feet of Jesus once again only this time he wasn’t frozen in a block of ice but was clothed in glory. I realized in that moment that my whole life everyone had been wrong. I realized that it didn’t matter that my mother thought religion was a crutch or that all my friends thought Christians were hypocrites. It only mattered in between me and Jesus and I accepted Him to be my Lord.

On the drive home I told my fiance that I had meant the prayer and she got visibly upset with me.

Three times before we were married God told me distinctly not to marry her but I did anyway. I mean the invitations were already sent out what was God thinking? He would just have to deal with it. As I grew closer to God she ran farther away. As a gift to her I set up a computer for her to use. Once again God told me in no uncertain terms not to set up the computer. I had promised already and did it anyway. Three months in to the marriage she met a guy online and left. She was the one thing at that point in my life that was more important than God and she was finally gone. I broke before the Lord and praised Him in my pain and sorrow. A few weeks later I lay on the couch and was reading my Bible. In Exodus Moses goes up the mountain to get the commandments and he questions God. He says to God how will the people know that I didn’t just make this stuff up but that it is from you. God says to tell the people His Name. Moses says what’s your name God and God replies “I AM“.

I got the chills and saw Gods providence in my life. That incurable degenerative disease? I was healed at some time. A few years after the initial disease I enrolled in Judo classes. One of the men in the class heard me talking about my condition and couldn’t believe the diagnosis. He read EKG’s and such. So he snuck me into the hospital (no insurance remember) and ran the tests on me. There was no heart disease. He told my mom to take the print out and have several specialists around the state and country read them but there was no disease there. His thought was that there had never been a heart condition. But my mother had the old printouts that showed it as well. I was healed. Even in my anger and hatred of God He had healed me, because He had a plan and a purpose for me.

After I was saved and my first wife had left I gathered up all the old witchcraft books and stuff I could find. Anything that wasn’t pleasing to God really. Cd’s, books, games, magazines, movies, etc. and I burned them all in my backyard. As the pillar of smoke rose from the flames I saw an evil face appear resembling one of the many evil spirits I had encountered in my years of witchcraft. The face came at me with the appearance of a scream and broke over me. Then it dissipated and the smoke continued to rise straight up into the night. I had Jesus now and for the first time in my life I didn’t have to fear any longer.

P.S. I am now a Youth Pastor and married to a beautiful Christian woman who loves the Lord and am the father of a wonderful little girl.

Filling the God Sized hole

From the time of my cognitive awareness to the age of thirty, I went through life with a hole inside of me. I had no faith in God, no self-esteem and no meaningful direction in my life. My insecurities and lack of faith were what dug that hole inside of me, leaving room for pain and degradation. I went through my teens with a chip on my shoulder. I got into fights, rebelled against authority, lived fast and took chances, and I eased the pain of it all by using drugs and alcohol. It did not take long for me to learn that drugs and alcohol cost a great deal of money. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be on the receiving end of it all; hence, I became driven to succeed, advance and achieve in what would be my chosen career path, sales and distribution of controlled substances. I would not have been able to explain to someone what being comfortable in my own skin was like; I had no idea because I never really had been content with being me. I lived exactly thirty years, five months and three days of not knowing how to love myself until on the morning of February 3, 2005, life, as I had known it would take on a new meaning, and for the first time, a purpose.

I had neglected to adhere to the terms and conditions of probation that I had been placed under stemming from a driving while intoxicated offense I was convicted of in 2002, and so a warrant was issued for my arrest. On the twenty fourth day of January, 2005, two warrant deputy’s dressed in brown appeared at my doorstep, arrested me and took me in to the Hennepin County Jail in downtown Minneapolis. I quickly learned from the admissions officer that I was being held on a body-only warrant, which essentially means I was not getting released until I met with my sentencing judge. So there I was, angry, disheartened, empty and alone. I can look back now and say the feeling I was experiencing would best be described as spiritually bankrupt; however, at that time I had no idea what that really meant.

The aesthetic nature of correctional facilities is very dull to say the least. The holding area is the first place you are taken to. I walked in, staring at the speckled tan linoleum floor, which is similar to what you might see in a hospital or public school. I was told to take a seat on one of the fiberglass bucket-style seats that were mounted to steel runners about eight to each row. I watched as the continuously running orientation video ran over and over again until I finally heard the guard yell “ Fredrickson! Time to get printed and then your phone call”.

The walls were glossy beige painted over cinder block, which made the fluorescent lights shine off them like mirror images. The doors and handrails were all a uniform industrial green and all the tables and plumbing fixtures are a brightly polished stainless steel. The interior design does not differ between the admission/holding area and the living units; in fact it remains consistent throughout the facility. The finger printing process is now inkless; you just roll your fingers over a touch pad, the guard presses enter, and you’re finished. I was then given an opportunity to make a phone call which I declined; I knew I wasn’t going anywhere, so I said to the guard sarcastically,

“what’s the point?”

I was then placed back in the holding cell, which is also known as the “fishbowl” because windows surround it. It was not long before the guard returned and said “ Fredrickson! You’re going upstairs.” Before you can go up to the living units, they bring you to the change room where you put your clothes and belongings in a property bag and put on the jail-issued uniforms known as the “County orange”. I so wanted this nightmare to end, so I quickly changed, followed the guard to the elevator and headed upstairs to the living unit and my room. Most people who know me well would say I am one of the toughest men they have ever known; however, on this night the toughness lost out to despair; although this was not my first time in jail, I fell asleep with tears rolling down my cheeks. I suppose even the toughest guys can hurt too, and hurting I was.

The first week inside was pretty much a blur, which I attribute to the detoxification from years of drug abuse. I do not have much recollection of that time. I mostly remember sleeping, using the phone, roll calls and meals. It was February 2^nd now and my head was clearing up. I was ready to face the world, which was good because otherwise I may have secluded myself in my cell, and I would have never had my life- changing experience. I went to bed that night more sober than I had probably been in ten years. I had no idea that when I woke up the next morning it would not only be the beginning of a new day for me, but the beginning of a new life.

The lights rose from dim to full power and the lock on the cell door clicked, which meant it was time for roll call and morning meal. I quickly rose to my feet, made my bed and stepped out into the living unit, just to the side of my door. The C.O. (Correctional Officer) began his routine walk around the unit, clip board in hand, face down, pausing only for a moment to scribble a mark on his sheet after each inmate spoke out their first and last name. I had noticed from the previous days that some the of other C.O.’s would switch the point from which they would start taking roll call, which would give different areas of the living unit a shot at being first through the chow line in the morning, but not this guy. No, this was Officer Herrera; he did things exactly by the book, which meant he started from the lowest numbered cell to the highest. When Herrera was on duty, I was the last through the line for my danish, fruit and pint of milk.

As I mentioned earlier, the aesthetic features of a correctional facility are pretty consistent throughout, the layout would be the only thing that really differs. The living units are rectangular, approximately 100’ by 75’. There are 35 cell units located on both of the long walls in two tiers with the lowest numbered cells on the first floor and the highest on the second. The command center, where the C.O’s were stationed, is located at the front of the unit along with the phones and showers. The tables, televisions and books were at the opposite end of the unit. My cell was just over the control center on the front end of the unit; I had seen the inside of this jail more than once, but the view this morning was different from before, unlike anything I had ever seen before.

It always seems gloomy in County even though there is more than sufficient lighting. As I gazed out into the main room, I noticed something felt out of place, but I couldn’t quite put a finger on what or where it was. It was one of those things where something just didn’t seem normal to me, but to everyone else, it was status quo. I looked from side to side through the dreary control room, and there it was. In the middle of that room I saw what seemed like a beaming ray of sunshine cutting through thunderheads raging over a stormy sea. The light was calling me as if I were a ship and the rays were a lighthouse guiding me in to what would be my refuge and deliverance. In reality, my refuge would be the stainless steel table where two men sat conversing with smiles, laughter and a state of peace I could neither understand or accept; after all, had they not been informed we were all in jail? I could resist no longer. I had to know what it was they had that was making them so cheery. When I reached the table, one of the men (whom I would later learn was named Clarence) turned and looked at me and as we met each other’s eyes I said,

“Who blew the sunshine up your #@$? You two aware we are in jail?”

“We are reading the word of God”, Clarence responded; and at that point the other man, Keith, said

“Would you like to join us in our reading?”

My mind screamed “No!” but my heart insisted, “Yes!”

I stood there in front of the two men that I would soon call my Brothers for what seemed to me like a minute or more just staring back, glancing back and forth at them. To someone just observing from a distance, the scene would not have looked right. Clarence and Keith are both African Americans in their early forties and I was a thirty-year-old “White-boy”. Under normal circumstances, this would look like a prelude to disaster. Fortunately, God’s hand was in this. Clarence and Keith sat there in front of me wearing their patient smiles as my mind tried to out duel my heart and my feet, but it was no use; before I knew what was happening, I was seated at the table, and somehow a Bible appeared right in front of my seat. I spent the rest of that day reading and discussing stories and passages with my two new Brothers in Christ. Clarence and Keith explained to me how the passage in 2Corinthians 5:17 promises that my mistakes did not condemn me.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ Jesus, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, behold, the new has come” (N.A.S.B Tyndale 1979).

This was a revelation to me; I had never considered that I could ever come back from the life I created.

The following ten days were spent fellowshipping with Clarence and Keith. Each morning we would take turns leading the study topic and discussion. It seemed like in some way I was experiencing the supernatural through my study of the Bible. Things were being revealed to me at an accelerated pace; in fact, there were several occasions in which Keith and Clarence had told me that they found my interpretations very edifying, which really hit home with me because I viewed them as mentors. Clarence had attended seminary school before battling with addiction to crack; Keith was a real estate developer who had been brought in over a dispute with his taxes. Yeah, they were in jail, but they were holding up all right. They asked the Lord for forgiveness and that gave them the contentment of knowing they had been justified before the Father. In this case “justified” means “ just-as-if –I’d “ never sinned. This cleansing was available to all who would believe in the Lord; however, one’s belief is demonstrated through one’s repentance, which means to acknowledge and turn from one’s sin. So in essence, all I had to do was stop living the life I was leading which had me to where I was and ask God to forgive me. That decision for me was the proverbial “No Brainer”. My newfound faith would soon be tested, but the promises therein would also come to fruition.

It was roughly the 17^th morning of being incarcerated. I was woken up by the Spanish accented harsh and unfriendly voice of C.O. Herrera coming over the loudspeaker: “Roll call in five minutes! Have your beds made, be dressed and ready by your doors by the time I get there, or you will wish you had!” I heard the door lock release and I quickly rose to my feet, brushed my teeth and spread my blanket over the cold concrete slab I slept on. As Herrera made his way around the tier, I watched his every move. He stared at each inmate with his beady little black eyes. He wore condemning a smirk pulled to one side of his acne-scarred face. It was almost as though each one us had carried out some kind of traumatic injustice upon him personally and now he was going to make us all pay for what we had done. While he was making his way around the tiers, there were two younger guys, maybe in their early twenties, who were chatting back and forth. Herrera heard the chatter; only he thought it was I who was doing the talking! Herrera pointed at me and shouted “ You! Mr. Fredrickson! To your cell now! You are placed on 24 hour lock down for talking during roll call!” I tried to argue with him, but it was useless. Herrera was convinced it was I doing the talking and that was that. At first I was really upset, but I remembered I had a new friend. My escape was lying on my shelf in the form of a Bible. I started reading and I came upon a verse in the Old Testament, Isaiah 53:5 “ But He was pierced through for our transgressions. He was crushed for our iniquities; the chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, and by his scourging we are healed” (N.A.S.B. Zondervan 1991). My eyes began to well up as I realized that I was not the first to be falsely accused; the Lord had been, too. The only difference was that the Lord was crucified. I suddenly was able to find peace in my unwarranted lock down.

There I sat in a six by eight room, yet I did not feel alone. I knew the Lord was right there beside me. Having already determined I could not go on living my life as I had been, I decided the time was right to do something about it. I knelt down on my hands and knees and I began to cry. My whole life started flashing through my head, all the good and all the bad. I said to the Lord, “Lord, I want to change. If you will forgive me and fill the hole that will be left from leaving everything I know, the money, power, control, my fiancé, friends and the addiction. Lord if you will do that, I will give you the rest of my life to use you as you would, to do your will.” I cannot explain to you in words the warmth that fell over me. Tears ran like raging rivers down my face, but they were no longer tears of sadness, they were tears of joy!

I eventually had my day in court and the sentencing judge ruled that I was to execute the remaining 101 days I had left on my sentence. I was shipped out to the Hennepin county workhouse in Plymouth for the remainder of my time. I used this as an opportunity to study the Bible, pray, and develop a close personal relationship with God. I realized that witnessing to other inmates made me feel like I had a purpose. It became evident to me that my end of the deal I made with God in my cell that morning was to let God use me to help others get free from addictions and find contentment in life. I describe this as “ filling their God-sized hole”.

I was released from the Hennepin County Workhouse May 5^th, 2005 and it’s been quite a journey from then to now. Through my participation in Church and 12 step recovery programs I met quite a few people. I quickly developed a reputation as someone with a real fire, call and anointing. I had prayed the prayer of Jabez located in the first book of Chronicles 4:10 “ And Jabez had called upon the God of Israel, saying, Oh that thou wouldst bless me indeed and enlarge my boarder, and that thy hand might be with me, and that it may keep me from evil that I may not cause pain” (N.R.S.V. Tyndale, 1991). Like Jabez, the Lord granted me my request. A friend from one of my groups introduced me to a very wealthy entrepreneur from Hawaii who had a son struggling with addiction to alcohol. I was offered a job by this man to move in, mentor and monitor the activities of his son who was living here in Minneapolis on the top floor of the Calhoun beach club. I agreed to take the job because I felt that the Lord’s hand was in it. I moved in and things went well for about a week and then the young man I was mentoring fell right back into his old behavior patterns. He and I were butting heads on a regular basis and I told his father things were not working out. The young man’s father asked me if I would interested in going to the South Pacific Kingdom of Tonga to do missionary work and obtain theological training at the Youth With A Mission school located in the capital city of Nuku Alofa’. He promised to pay for my schooling, support my ministry and hook me up with some friends of his on the island who would be providing me with food and lodging. I immediately accepted the offer as I viewed this as an answer to my “ Prayer of Jabez”, and it was; it just would not come in the package it appeared to be.

It was approximately one week from the time I was made the offer and I was already on a plane to Tonga, which is roughly 13500 miles from Minneapolis. My travel time was around 23 hours and took me through Los Angeles, Xadi Fiji, Suva Fiji and then finally to Fuo Uamoto, Kingdom of Tonga. I lumbered off the plane, tired and exhausted. I looked around the airport and realized there was no one there to pick me up. I could not believe it, but it was true; I was on my own and there would be no help coming from the guy who sent me. I could start another chapter explaining more of this but I am going to choose not to. I plan on writing a book about my life someday, so if someone were dying to know more, I suggest you buy a copy of my book once it is published.

I met people on my own out there and I found a church. Through my willingness to help in anyway I could I was able to develop a real good relationship with my pastor, Randy Carlson, who was an Assembly of God missionary from the United States. Randy heard my story and was moved very deeply. Randy and his congregation offered to send me to the A.G. Tonga School of Theology and pay my tuition. I was given a room in the church to stay in on the weekends and during the week I stayed out in the school dorm with the Tongans. I was the first Palangi (white man) in the 25-year history of the school! I worked very hard on my studies and daily work detail, which immediately gained me the respect of my fellow students. I was elected Class Captain and Missions Director for the school after the first term. Along the way I met a businessman from New Zealand by the name of Rodd Jacques. Rodd has been a Christian his entire life and he was really moved by my testimony. Rodd and his family invited me into their home in Auckland, New Zealand during my school breaks. I was able to work at his warehouse so I was able to go back to Tonga with some extra money. I networked with many different people in New Zealand, gave my testimony to at-risk youth and spent an evening at Teen Challenge, New Zealand. I flew back and forth to New Zealand four times spending a total of 31 days, just another blessing the Lord sent my way.

The most important aspect of my travels is the fact that I remained sober the whole time. Integrity can be thought of as doing the right thing even when no one is looking and I proved to myself that I could do just that. When I look back at the series of events leading back to early 2005, it amazes me. One thing I tell people today is that God provides in and through one’s faithfulness. I was provided deliverance from a deadly lifestyle because I stepped out in faith and did the work he had set before me. Throughout that whole year I never needed for anything. The Lord, through my Brothers and Sisters in Christ, provided it all.

It’s been over two years since I have used drugs or alcohol and I have no desire to. Through my faithfulness and hard work, I have been delivered from my obsessions. I returned to the United States on December 23^rd, 2006. Since I hit my knees in that cell I have prayed, fasted with and given my testimony to people in two countries and one Kingdom in two different hemispheres on opposing sides of the equator.

Today I am working as a Chemical Dependency Tech at Missions Detox Center in Plymouth, Minnesota and I am attending college at Minneapolis Community and Technical College in Minneapolis to become a licensed Addiction Counselor. I also have my own ministry in which I mentor those who are struggling with drug and alcohol use. I have appropriately named it “God Sized Hole Ministries”. 1Timothy 1: 12-17 is a scripture I feel really surmises the events in my life. Please note I have added and underlined my own emphasis.

“I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a drug dealer, bully, arrogant, self-centered, blasphemer, persecutor and violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen” (N.I.V. Zondervan 1985).

In a world so driven by material gain I have found peace in this personal revelation. Although I have achieved in this life many good things, none of those achievements are worth all that much to anyone other than my self; rather, it is all the trials, tribulations and defeats I have endured that are of the greatest use to my fellow man. It is really hard to believe that I have come so far in such a short amount of time, but I have lived it, so I know it’s true. Since our time together in jail, I ran into Clarence one time in Minneapolis. He was back on the crack pipe and was asking for $13.00. Clarence said he needed the money for a car part, but when I looked into his eyes, he knew that I could see he was he was high; hence he admitted to me that he was backslidden. I offered him a room at the sober house I was managing, but he declined, took the money I offered him and walked off into the distance. Keith, on the other hand, was doing real well the last time I saw him in fact, he was doing some ministry of his own. I have not been able to catch up with him since I returned home however, I hope to real soon. Nonetheless, I will never forget either one of them for the rest of my life. For the morning I sat down with Clarence Moore and Keith Hammonds to read the infallible word of God would be the morning I truly began to live.

What is life? The famous cliché that tends to trap it victims, but some forget Gods children are not victims. A better rephrasing of those three little words, why is life? Why do we walk, breath, feel and talk? What is the point to suffering? It’s not fair, why do I have to cry? Where do I go from here….

Well, people don’t see it, but we have 3 choices. We can one, commit suicide (not recommended, does not work most of the time). Two, we can live with our misery and learn to enjoy it (impossible). Or three we admit our flaw and surrender control. Seriously, think about it, what control do I have anyway? I mean someone can come in my room right now and shoot me. Where is the control? I only control what is in my hands. You only control that with which you are given control of.

Now, not everyone likes to accept that fact, even prophets, Jonah did not want to go where God told him to, but guess what, he got over that problem really fast. I like to sit back and think of all that has gone right for me. Life has gone right. But there is a lot of gray in the matters of right and wrong. You’re not really wrong when you’re wrong only if you have learned and have taken responsibility. That’s the key. You are never right even when you’re right, because no one is perfect. So how do people accept that fact, it’s very hard but at the same time the easiest thing in the world, and so relieving!

Sometimes my mind runs and I can not seem to catch up, I am constantly thinking of stuff, relevant or not to life. My son carries the same burden, or gift, depends on the thoughts! My latest is people and the way they cope with fear. When does fear turn to pride? Can pride be seen as a mask for fear? Sometimes, when I get scared of being hurt by someone, I think of reasons why their opinion does not matter. I’m more right with God then they are, im more humble than they are, blah blah blah. That’s how it goes; people are scared of judgment from God or people, so they build a case against each. But not all criticism is bad criticism. Sometimes we need to hear the truth to find that hidden child, sometimes there is growth and love behind what is initially seen as pain and attack. On the other hand, fear may be fear, plain and simple. But what is fear in and of itself? Fear is protection, a response to negative stimuli. I see fear as a basic, carnal instinct that was implanted in our genes at the first sight of trouble, that day the first choice of man (or woman ha-ha) was practiced, the Garden of Eden. But it does not stop there; God does not want some drone mindlessly walking the world with no chance of a relationship, why do you think he created Adam and Eve? Some believe they were the first, wrong. There were people before Adam and Eve. The only difference is Adam and Eve were the first souls. Ok ok, I know you need proof, ill give some scripture.

Genesis 1 27-28: so God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

28: and God blessed them, and God said unto them, be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

Genesis 2:5-8: and every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the lord God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.

6: but there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground.

7: and the lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrisls the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

In genesis 1 26 : AND God said, let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. (the word “our” is referring to God the father, son, and holy spirit. Also satan because that is where sin is, the flesh). Image means fantasy, pretense, and unreality. Genesis 2 Adam was made a living soul, he was formed, and there is a difference between created and formed. The difference is that when it is created it is new and in darkness. Formed is the same word reformed in the New Testament. Created means new, formed is building on the new creature, reshaping or reforming, inside out. Genesis 1 it is created, genesis 2 it is formed. Eve was made, made is a different meaning, it is like when you reform something then it is mad into something else, for insistence if you take 2 chemicals and put them together u get a third.

Yes, I know, confusing. It was for me to. But look at it this way. If God were easy, if he mad life simple, what would we learn. Sounds like something I tell my kids, but seriously, where is the lesson in easy? Do we not learn better when we are allowed to do and mess up? Do we not expand our own thinking, when we have just climbed a hill? I know I learn from the hard, kinda like my past. I would not trade any amount of pain for anything better. Sounds weird I know, but what would I be right now if not for all the struggles? Would I be some spoiled rich kid to shallow to empathsise with someone? Who knows, all I know for sure is my past made me what I am right now. Strong, I am so tired of beating around the bush with love, I don’t want to put my whole world into something if it is a lie, im tired of lies. That’s where I am at with God. my past has made me strong enough to handle everything, cause I want nothing more than truth. There is no point in doing something, no point in wasting my time and strength if it were not real. I came into God’s light running on fumes, but I have been filled. God bless you.

Right now, at this moment, I have come to realize that life is more than a few good words and a genuine smile; it’s how you come back up from the bottom with more valiancy than you went down with. Its about lending your heart out to those who want it, and sometimes having it broken. My life, is and was about the ability to come back. Not only come back, but bringing something up with me. yesterday was about climbing a ladder, and tomorrow will be about climbing another, but right now I am enchanted by his mercies and on cloud nine for the ability to see those mercies.

“By His Grace I am saved, through my Faith-not because of me, it is the gift of God, not by my works, which I can boast about.” (Ephesians 2:8,9) I got saved in the year of 2003 after my first child was born. I am reading Bible daily and growing in the word of God. I really feel bad when I think of the past 27 years, during which time I was following something not worthy and not true. Now I feel there is so much in the Bible that I need to fill my heart with. I pray unto him to give me the knowledge and wisdom in the remaining days of my life so that I can grow with His words. I want His words to be written in the tablet of my heart.

            The weaknesses in my life I submit before the Lord, for His grace & power will be made perfect in my weaknesses. Because of his breath in our body we are living or else we are just a handful of sand. I boasted about my intelligence & knowledge, but now clearly understand that even before a thought comes to me he makes known to me about it. In this world, where things are happening just in flashes, no one ,I say NO ONE , can give promise as the Living God gives us. He calls us to be under His shadow. He promises us that no disaster will strike us. And even when we are posed with a trouble, he comforts us with his word.

           When we decided to go to church, he showed us the right place. In my heart we had the urge that we go to a church where just the word of God is being preached, so that we could start finding the true meaning of the scripture. And with His blessing we are here. I am so glad that we as family are at the right place, where word of God is alone preached. I didn’t know which book and preachers were right & wrong, I was listening to messages from the famous personalities. They were doing miracles and I saw them not praying, I had so many questions regarding the wonders happening there. But When I read the book of Acts, the Lord laid it clearly about the false prophets, messages &books. He enlightened me to believe only on His Book of Living word. I understood not to expect miracles but to just have FAITH in Him. He is the True Resurrection and Life. He is the Invisible Image of God. He alone is Our Savior. I want to be the under the shadow of His wings and grow in His Light. I know the world and its desires will pass away but the man who does the will of God will remain forever. I want to live forever, even after death with Him, eternally.

             It was 3 years before, even before I knew the Lord with all my heart and soul, when we had to visit one of our fellow brothers in New Jersey. He was one among us working hard for His church there in New Jersey. When we went to church with him during the service I noticed he was cleaning and making some arrangements. I was surprised! After the service, when we were returning home, I told Raj do not work in the church as a servant. Few months later, when I was growing in the Lord and Lord was teaching me so much about Him, One fine day Sr. Faye calls me to take in charge of the nursery. I didn’t want to let go the first work I was asked by Lord. When I started working in the nursery , I discovered the truth as Mat 26-28 says “you must be your servant, whoever wants to be first must be your slave, just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” I will never be put to shame for I trust in the Lord. When I call to the Lord God I will be saved from my enemies.

             He is the one who came by Water and Blood. This is the testimony of God, which is great, for it is the testimony given by god himself about his one and only son. Jesus Christ is the Light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come. I cannot enter the Kingdom of God unless I am born of Water and the Spirit. If I believe and am baptized, I will be saved, but if I do not believe I will be condemned. When I am baptized into Christ, I have clothed myself with Christ. I want to live by faith not by sight. My goal is to please Him, whether I am at home in the body or away from it. I strongly affirm the scripture “we are ambassador’s of CHRIST.” We are the temple of Living God. He confirms by saying that” I will live with them, walk among them, I will be their God and they will be my People.” I have been so heavy for past few days when I was reading the book of 1 John & Ephesians. Oh Christ in heaven, how wonderful you are for  a fool. I am growing in His knowledge I am proud about. I do not boast in anything except in the cross of our father Lord Jesus Christ. Amen. As the words of Ephesians 5: 8 says for you were in darkness once, but now you are Light in the Lord.

             The place where I live now, there are 80% of Indians. But I have no fellow believer. I am praying for it. And I trust He will bring someone. Few friends from a Hindu background were laid upon my heart and He made me to pray for them. He is the Lord who makes streams run through the rocks, and through me He has planted the seed of word. He is the gardener. He will let the seed sprout and grow luxuriantly. We need to pray for their salvation.

             “The time has come,” Jesus, said, “ the kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news!” The good news is I am being baptized in the name of our Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit. Being a Human, I have committed sins. Some of them I have done knowingly and most of them unknowingly. I come unto the Lord to forgive me for my sins. I want Him to cleanse and purify me. I want Him to blot out my transgressions. I, now, believe with his blood we are victorious. Godly sorrow has made me to repent and be baptized. For in godly repentance alone I have salvation & this alone will leave me with no regret. I am not saved because of my righteousness, but because of His mercy.

             On the day of my baptism, for my salvation I confess with my mouth, “Jesus is the Lord,” and believe in my heart that God raised Him from the dead. Rom 10:10 says, “For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.” Amen.

Please keep me in your prayers.

God bless you and keep you.

Amen

All my life up until Jr. high I constantly questioned whether I truly in believed in God, or if I just said I did because I went to a Christian school.  Sure, I would pray, occasionally read the Bible- but in the back of my mind I always felt this small bit of doubt that made me wonder if my faith was truly genuine. Then when I was 13 and in 7th grade the following year, I made the wrong kind of friend, who had some issues back then, and would emotionally abuse and take advantage of me and 2 other of her closest ‘friends’. Nobody else ever knew though how she was acting towards us and thought she was really sweet, so me and the other 2 never really said anything because we didn’t want 2 just abandon her and make everyone turn on her.

Eventually all the stress made me extremely emotionally distraught, and it got to a point where I did indeed want to kill myself. I would pray so hard every night that God would do some kind of miracle of Biblical proportions in my life just to end my pain. After days of me praying everyday that I wouldn’t have to suffer like this, I came to a slow realization that God was always with me. He was with me and loved me when I doubted that I even truly believed Him, He was with me even as I held a bitterness towards Him for not ending a suffering I had brought upon myself, and that He was with me right there, at that very moment.  The more I realised that fact, the less it bugged me when that certain friend would try taking out there problems by making me feel bad, and you know what? Eventually she stopped doing it as often, and the more my life began to come together all because I stopped and understood that God loved me, and was greater than any pain I felt. After all of this, I never doubted ever again that God was real, because He IS real, and He never stops loving and wanting what’s best for us, even when we don’t realize it. Nothing I could write could ever describe how truly great He is, so I pray that everyone could understand God’s love for themselves and praise Him everyday of their lives because of it!

When I was about 6 or seven my grandmother drove 75 miles every Sunday to take me to church. She made a huge impact on my life.One year later our preacher announced he was moving churches. It was devastating! We mourned and cried, but we eventually settled that feeling. A month later our church burnt down to the ground. Then, if that was not bad enough the church members started blaming each other. So the thought was planted in my mind that that is what church is all about. Our church went into a split and every Sunday we would have a new preacher. So I stopped going to church. I figured that I could fuss and fight with people at home!!!I was nine years old when I stopped going. I went on through my 6th grade year and then, came to the summer part, the part all kids are supposed to enjoy. It was the worst summer of my entire life. My mom passed out one day. She went to the doctor and was told she had carbon monoxide poisoning. Well, that was okay. The doctor said he could cure it. Later test revealed she had eosinophilicgranulomatosis, short for lung disease. It scared my whole family to death. They gave her three years to live. It was that feeling of wanting to do everything with her during those three years, but everytime you looked at her you wanted to cry. It was horrible. At night I would cry myself to sleep almost every night. I did not have any one to talk to her because my dad was always gone, so I just cried myself to sleep.

One of my friends invited me to a movie night, and so being bored at home I went. At the movie night they talked about God’s healing power. This is the night I got saved. It was a wonderful feeling and that night I prayed to God that he would heal her. I prayed it over and over. The next few doctor visits were the same news. Then one day she came home and her x-rays were clear. She had no lung disease! It was awesome. God works in so many wonderful ways. Our minds can not contain his blessings. Jesus is so wonderful!!

It’s with great thankfulness and love that I write what many times before has been attempted regarding the work salvation and deliverance God has wrought in my life. I understand the burden of truth. I know among the body there are wolves. Those who seek to destroy His body and seek to blemish the testimony of Jesus Christ. It is not my intent to bring accusation against Him, or me, or anyone but to declare as I understand it now His good works demonstrated to me and my older brother. This is the first part of my story…

Come and see the works of God; He is awesome in His doing toward the sons of men. [ Psalm 66:5 ]

For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. [ Hebrews 4:12 ]

A Little History

I was born November 1, 1973 in the Tri-Cities of East Tennessee into a Southern Baptist family. My family, although most of my life I’ve viewed as different, in reality considered normal in today’s society. It was during this time, I recall my first encounter with the supernatural.

Sometime during second grade my father had just received custody of me and my brothers from the court and I was returned to my father’s house where I began attending small rural elementary second grade. It was in the fall and I remember missing my friends from my other school deeply. There was a fall festival with lots of games for parents and kids. During this fall festival there was a room for a mystic fortune teller. I entered the room now a darkened chamber. She invited me to sit in a chair in front of her. I was a bit scared and intrigued at the same time, and the lady began telling me things about my life. She told me that I liked a girl named Michelle who had blond hair. I’d recently given her a token of my love and it was something that she coveted. I remember being astonished and stunned, and my heart raced as she began to flip over these large cards and say speak things to me that were to come. I was so amazed that she knew all of that stuff about me. I left the room excited and fearful, but soon forgot about it amongst all the other games that evening.

It wasn’t long until I found a book with a picture very similar to what I had seen in the fortune teller’s room. It was entitled, “Zork” and to my astonishment was a kind of book that you could choose your own outcomes and paths through the story as you read it. These books were made available to purchase through the book clubs and weekly readers the elementary school handed out to all the students. I began to read these books and I really liked the feeling of being able to choose my own path.

I can’t really tell you when or how long but some time between second grade and age twelve I began re-attending our small Baptist community church with my grandmother. I can still remember the feel of her hand on my back as I would lie my head upon her lap and listen to Reverend Tydings speak. He was speaking about God and reading from the Bible. It seemed like grown up stuff to me and I couldn’t really understand what he was saying, but I knew what he was saying had to be important because everyone was quiet and listening. One day, near the end of his speaking, his words seemed to reach out and grab me on the inside. I didn’t know what he was talking about. I just knew what he was talking about, I needed it. He beckoned, pleaded for people to come forward and repent. Not many did. I was looking around and didn’t see anyone else. I noticed him looking over the congregation as if trying to find something he had lost. His eyes passed over me, stopped, and began to move again. I was pierced, shaking, and terrified. I didn’t go forward.

Several Sundays passed much like this one where the words of Reverend Tydings gripped my heart as hard as the grip I had on the pew I was sitting in. I walked out one Sunday, knowing I was supposed to go up front.

That evening to my surprise there was commotion in my house about something my sister had just done. Everyone seemed to be glad and cheerful. When I asked what happened she told me she was “saved.” I remember asking what that means and she told me. I knew then that was what Reverend Tydings had been asking people to do at church. My vulnerability was revealed to me and my emptiness yearned for this Jesus. The details are so distant now that I can only remember my dad handing me the telephone after calling up the Reverend Tydings. I answered, “Hello?” and I heard the all to familiar voice on the other end. This time there was joy in his voice. He asked me few questions and I remember agreeing with each. Then I repeated a prayer with him over the telephone, all the while tears flowed. I hung up the phone and my sister came and gave me a hug. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my skinny frame. A feeling I had never felt before on the inside. I was happy.

Years passed by and although I attended church often, participated in the youth group, and even evangelized with the church’s muppet and music group. I never read my bible for more than was required or asked during church, I never prayed. That feeling I had when I was twelve had long since dulled and the old vulnerable, empty, and hurt was again part of my life. The only thing I did consistently was to read the fantasy books I had developed a habit of reading. I’d often pass through book stores looking for the Tarzan books my brother David had often read. One day while doing so I came across a big white covered book with the title “Dragonlance.” The cover looked much like my brother’s books so I thought I’d give it a try and buy it.

I began reading this book as soon as I got home. I couldn’t put it down. I was drawn into this fantasy world and became acquainted with and identified with its characters, their unique strengths and weaknesses, their magic.

By my freshman year of high school, I had read volumes of the books. I consumed them almost every chance I got. It was during this time that I began failing in school, most likely due to all of my time reading these books rather than studying.

My father began putting pressure on me to bring my grades up and do well in school. Often arguments would erupt from letters from teachers or a grade report. I would go back to my books to escape the anger that would rise up inside me when this happened.

One night, something happened. I had a dream of the book I had been reading. I was reading it in my sleep. I remember waking the next day to begin reading that same book only to find in my amazement where I had bookmarked the day before; I had already read within my dream.

I skipped ahead and began reading again. One of the characters was a mage and I didn’t think much of it until now but I considered, “What if dragons and magic were real?” I remember thinking that it could be real and have vanished like the stories I had read about in the bible. It just wasn’t around today. Honestly, I had never really considered the stories of the bible as being ‘fact’ nor did at this age did it dawn on me that they were.

In the book store I would always pass by a section that had books on magical practices and spirituality, so I stopped and found a few and bought them. They seemed very different and I thought it was foolish that anyone would believe them. Yet, I thought to myself… what if. It wasn’t long after reading through them that I found spells much like the ones I had read in my Dragonlance books.

Dreams continued to come to me, some were repetitive like the book ones, others full of lust, and then there were the dark ones. I had a re-occurring dream of me standing in my bedroom, over my body that was lying on the carpet in a massive pool of blood. I had slit my wrist and while I stood looking at my body, my family members would walk into my room as if viewing a body at a funeral.  I could hear them say, “I’m glad he’s gone”, “I hated him”. I never told anyone about these dreams though they stuck with me while I was awake.

Then it happened, I had just received my mid-term grade report and it was littered with F’s and D’s. My dad was furious, and I was feeling hopeless. One Wednesday night, my brother David came into my room to find me reading one of my books. “Want come to church with me tonight?” I looked up to let him know that I couldn’t, even if I wanted to, I had to make myself study. He turned to go and out of desperation , I said, “…Could you ask them to pray for me? Dad and I aren’t getting along.” Then, unlike my brother, he stopped, turned and said, “Well why don’t I pray with you now?” I can’t describe the feeling that rose up in me but it was a sickening feeling and I responded in disagreement. He asked why, and I told him how unworthy I felt to pray with him. He then left the room and returned a few moments later with his bible. He opened it and began reading from Luke 11:11.

All I can tell you next is what I can recall. When my brother spoke the scripture to me, I became almost dumbfounded. Like a sudden lethargy came upon me. Everything was in a haze like state. My brother’s voice became muffled and I remember him looking at me and asking if I’m alright. I responded with, no. Then he reached for me and all of the sudden my ears were filled with what sounded like a thousand voices screaming in my ears with pitches low to a shrieking high. I was flung backward on my bed and shaken violently by an unseen force. On my throat I could feel what seemed like a hand with sharp claws squeezing my throat. I found myself not in control of my body and what seemed like spasms went through my body. My brother had disappeared out of my vision. I was crying and writhing on my bed and my brother appeared from my left, as he had been knocked to the ground. He came and draped himself over my body trying to hold me still. I could hear him saying, “Jesus” but I couldn’t respond. I remember my arms easily lifting him as to push him off of me and hear him say, “In Jesus name.” What seemed like hours and was probably more like a few minutes passed and I came back into control of my body and I was fear stricken and crying. My brother was in the same state. What had just happened to me was unexplainable to both of us at this point. I lost track of the time but that feeling came over me again and the violent shaking started. This happened throughout that night. My brother became my protector that night. As I lay upon my bed in my room, in the darkness beings began to materialize in front of me and spit and curse at me. The voices seemed all too familiar to me as they were the same voices I heard when I would dream. They were speaking hate and death to me.

I have to say there are exact details that are cloudy but because of this event, my brother intent on seeing this stop called an elder of a church he had visited recently. Ed Townshend explained briefly that it sounded like he was dealing with demons. A few days later my brother had arranged for me to meet with Ed Townshend at his home. When I arrived he and his wife welcomed us into their home. The seemed to glow with kindness and peace. After introductions and speaking about the past few days events, they explained to me out of the bible, what had happened to me, they explained salvation, showed me numerous examples of demonic attack, the Baptism in the Holy Spirit and how it empowers a believer to be minister’s of the Gospel and how to combat the power of the Satan.

I wanted to be free from this. I began praying with them and while they were praying, that feeling came upon me again, out of my mouth came words that weren’t my own in hissing and spitting sounds and they began speaking verses from the bible. Then the shaking began again, it was all suddenly and my words now are not enough to explain it properly. When the shaking subsided and I was back in control, they asked me to pray after them a prayer of repentance and denouncement of the things I had been involved in. I did pray with them, they then laid their hands on me and a flood of peace invaded me. I was filled with the Holy Spirit, I began to speak in a language which I couldn’t understand.

My Christian Testimony

Written on May 7, 2007

This section of my testimony was originally written on January in 1995. In October of 1990, “I accepted Christ into my life personally by saying a prayer.” I was 23 years old and today May 14, 2007, I am 40 years old.

At that time of my life I was working at John Lucente’s Barber Shop in Mundelein Illinois. John and Dominick Lucente own and run this shop to this day. They are two Italian men who came over from Italy and opened their shop in their hometown of Mundelein Illinois. The address there is: 452 N Lake St, Mundelein Illinois and their phone number is [removed for privacy].

My life at that time revolved around bars, drinking, and having fun. I met this man Tim Smith through my friend Karen and we started to date. I was living at 39 N Martin in Waukegan Illinois and Tim resided in Crystal Lake (Berkshire Apartments). I traveled to visit Tim Smith most of my free time. My life was self centered, revolved around money, working, my possessions, friends, partying with drinking.

How did I meet the Lord? I was working for John Lucente’s Barber Shop and had developed a clientele. Some of those clients were Christian’s who already knew the benefits that Christ gave by giving your life to Christ. Wayne and Barb Brink invited me over to talk. I am very personal with my career and love customer service; helping others look good and feel good about their hair in a comfortable environment. After work one evening the Brinks invited me over to their house. This was a very low point of my life. I just sat and vented my frustrations out to them. They were so kind and compassionate towards my situation at that time of my life. I felt loved and cared for from their attitude towards me. Being accepted and liked was very important to me and meeting the needs of my customers. They asked if I ever read the “Four Spiritual Laws booklet.” I said that I never heard of it. They sat and read it out loud to me. After reading this I accepted Christ into my life and heart on a daily basis making Christ my focus instead of myself as the focus. After I walked out their door of their home, I felt different.

I did not understand why I read the booklet or what the prayer would do for me. I just obeyed what I was told to do. I would like to share with you this booklet I read:

Bill Bright wrote this version and is president of Campus Crusade for Christ. Originally, Bill Bright prepared it for his staff of his worldwide evangelistic organization. This booklet is simple and easy to read and understand especially to non believers in Christ.

God loves you and offers a wonderful plan for your life. (John 3:16, 10:10).

Man is sinful and separated from God. Therefore, he cannot know and experience Gods love and plan for his life. (Rom. 3:23: 6:23).

Jesus Christ is God’s only provision for man’s sin. Through him you can know and experience God’s love and plan for your life. (Rom. 5:8, 1 Cor. 15:3-6, John 14:6).

We must individually receive Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord; then we can know and experience God’s love and plan for our lives.

(John: 1:12; 3:1-8).

Or: The Four Spiritual Laws by Bill Bright

You can receive Christ right now by faith through saying this prayer:

“Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins, I open the door of my life and receive You as My savior and Lord. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.”

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? If it does, pray this prayer right now and Christ will come into your life, as He promised. Your life will be forever changed.

Here are suggestions for Christian growth:

G Go to God in prayer daily (John 15:7).

R Read God’s Word daily (Acts 17:11).

O Obey God moment by moment (John 14:21).

W Witness for Christ by your life and words (Matthew: 4:19).

T Trust God for every detail of your life (1 Peter 5:7).

H Holy Spirit: allow the Holy Spirit to control and empower your daily life and witness

(Galatians 5:16-17 Acts 1:8).

My Christian walk became my mission. I noticed things around me changing as each day passed by. I openly carried a bible I purchased; The Full Life Study Bible. I brought it to work and openly had conversations about God and what He was doing in my life.

I was “on fire” for the Lord. I started reading the Bible, and sharing it with anyone who would listen. I went to bible study groups and my knowledge kept building. I never read the Bible before. Reading the Bible opened my eyes to many new things about Christ that I had not known.

I experienced many new things and my eyes were open to right and wrong ways to live my new life in Christ. My life has changed drastically since I chose to let Christ into my life. I would listen to only Christian radio stations on a daily basis. I learned that I wanted to go to church because I wanted to not because I am forced. Most important, I chose to pray daily for myself and for others.

From the day I was born until October of 1990, my family raised me as a Catholic. I do not judge other individuals faith or walk with Christ. I am sharing my story and what is true for me. When I was working at the Barber Shop in Mundelein, customers would see my Bible and ask questions. It was really awesome that I could share without feeling ashamed, that I was reading the Bible. At this point in my life, I did not like working for my workaholic boss who I believe expected more than I could handle. Dominic treated me very poorly. I would go to work with my new found friend Jesus and worked for the Lord and detached from my boss to make things easier on me. I was there for the customers and Jesus not for money or for my boss. It was difficult but I handled it with the grace of God. I loved my clients but realized that if you are not happy with your job on a daily basis then no amount of money or anything should keep you at that job. Quit and move on because God provides a better opportunity. Once I quit that job after many years of building a client base and traveling from Crystal Lake to Mundelein, the relief and weight was immediately taken off my shoulders. When God closes one door He will open another, always, that is his promise. After I received Christ, many changes took place. My focus turned to reading the bible, getting to know who God really is, his personality, his struggles, his life and how it compared to mine.

My character changed, and I noticed that I was showing more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self control. My old self was Me centered and my new self is Christ centered. I care more for the needs of others than for my own needs. I love to give to others in any way they need. There is no joy in taking from others.

My spiritual hunger kept growing knowing that my ultimate goal in life is to glorify God.

I use to be the type of person that had no mission in life and used activities and busyness to control my life. Once Christ joined me, I turned into the opposite.

My Favorite Song

By Steve Green

What do I possess that you did not give to me?

What mysteries are clear to me that you did not explain?

When did I share Truth I had not received from you?

What good works have I performed that you did not ordain?

Any strength I have, any good I do

Comes from the life I found in You

So in all I am, and in all I do, I give the Glory to You.

How do I express my love and my gratitude?

For all I am and ever will be

All depends on you

Where in the world would I be

Had you not reached out to me

All the good I have in life

Can all be traced to you

From the strength to obey your word when I hear it

To reaching out in love

It’s all a gift of the Holy Spirit,

Coming from above

I give the glory to you.