October 31st, 2011
So this testimony is something I’ve felt the Lord pushing me to share for a few months now and it’s been really difficult to revisit, so here it goes.
The first time I cheated, it started by mistake. Â I had my first boyfriend in my new town and while I was at a hang out spot, a boy that I had thought was cute came up to me and we began talking. Â I had no intentions of anything other than flirting (still wrong) when he asked me to be his “wifey.”Â Â I was young, 13 yrs old, and had no clue what he meant. Â Not wanting to look stupid I said, “sure” and there I was, with two boyfriends. Â I don’t remember how I found out what I had agreed to, but my pride got in the way and I kept it going for a little while. Â Well the devil planted the seed and once that all went downhill I continued to flirt with promiscuity.
Fast forward to 2003. Â I met a wonderful man and was still dating. Â The relationship I was in was up and down and we were ending things so once that ended I began seeing this other man. Â We got serious quickly and became engaged. Â 3 1/2 years later I was pregnant and when our daughter was 11 months old, we got married. Â Ok. Â So that’s how my husband knew things to go. Â The true story was that I was having affair after affair and it was all totally hidden from him.
Since this is my first time sharing this, I don’t think I can go into any detail. Â But the relationships went even as far as having a man move across the country and live in my little town until things fell apart between me and my husband so that me and this other man could be together. Â God began working hard on my life. Â Things with this man starting feeling wrong and I started getting scared when everything started to be put into place for this move. Â I couldn’t believe what I was doing and I even told him that if my husband had found out about everything I would beg him not to leave me. Â That should have been enough but it didn’t stop the plans and eventually here he was. Â Worst part? Â He had to become friends with my husband, at least in my sick little mind, so that things wouldn’t seem suspicious. Â Boy did the enemy have a hold on me.
Well eventually, through lots of bad circumstances and my inability to leave my husband, things between me and this other man became sour and he ended things. Â He left the state and headed back to his end of the country. Â Now it was time to live this normal life, finally. Â Wrong.
It’s so difficult to even type this but the truth is, I had always gotten over one guy with the other and when I couldn’t show my hurt over how things had gone, I buried it deeper under more promiscuity with other men.
It’s really sick to go back and see how many times I substituted Jesus with sex. Â Pointless selfish-driven sex. Â It turns my stomach to look back. Â Well it doesn’t end there. Â The Lord wasn’t going to let this continue and He knew where I needed to be so He started the whirlpool.
I had started to declare, once again, that I was never going to do this again, that I was going to stay faithful while continuing to frequent the same places and while having a circle of men as my closest confidants. Â It all caught up with me.
One weekend my husband and I had the worst argument we have ever had and we didn’t talk for 3 days. Â Now, we had been together by then for 7 years and never even raised our voices to a yell at each other; this was weird. Â I manipulated things, as usual, but this time I tried to play the divorce card (never went there before). Â He was shocked with my attempt and then the seed was planted. Â He had met someone.
The tables were turned and HE wanted a divorce. Â He was sureÂ that I had been unfaithful and he couldn’t get over that feeling. Â It was all too real.
I was crushed. Â My husband was never one to stand up to me. Â How was he going to do this? Â We didn’t believe in divorce!
I cried out to the Lord. Â I didn’t know what else to do. Â What was His response? Â Tell him. Â Tell him about that man that moved here and that he isn’t crazy. Â There was an affair.
I thought the Lord was crazy. Â Tell him and lose my marriage? Â No way. Â Surely there was another way. Â So I manipulated and cried and begged and even went as far as to agree with him. Â Tell him that I was for the divorce. Â Maybe then he would change his mind and he would want to work things out. Â He would see that there was nothing to admit. Â Boy, was I deceived! Â My marriage was slipping between my fingers. Â He was leaving me and I was going to be a single mother and I was losing the best man I can ever have. Â The one that God had blessed me with. Â I had messed up my marriage. Â I vowed to NEVER be divorced. Â What did I think was going to happen?
God? Â Help me?
A few days later I was praying up in my bedroom while knelt down by the bed, bible in hand and I was saved. Â Really truly saved. Â I was baptized in the Spirit and began speaking in tongues. Â It was the best moment of my entire life. Â I play those first few moments of my lifeÂ over and over in my head all the time. Â It was beautiful.
One night shortly after, I went up to our bedroom to pray. Â Crushed, bruised, broken, I fell down on the bed. Â Bible in hand I began to pray, Â ”There has to be another way. Â Confessing would end it all so there has to be another way.” Â What did I hear?
“Do you trust Me?”
“Well of course I do.”
“Then tell him.”
So I reasoned and argued and protested to no avail. Â Surprised? Â Of course not. Â He’s God and He brings justice. Â So I went downstairs and confessed about the relationship. Â He calmly told me thank you for being honest and left. Â ”God? Â You told me to tell him! Â Now what? Â You’re going to have to do something miraculous. Â Please save this?”
The next few months were, well, amazing and just that, miraculous.
It was a roller coaster, to say the least.
I began going to a church and hearing so clearly from the Lord. (ahh He’s so amazing) Shortly after my husband contacted the other man and got stories of my past few years from him and a random number of men that I had been with. Â I was texted at work with many angry and bitter words of resentment from my husband. Â He was done and one of us was moving out.
I had no where to go and I didn’t have a clue how I was to support my daughter on my income. Â Oh well, I guess it was what I asked for. Â Well that was the response I got from my husband when I asked him what I was supposed to do.
I spent two separate nights at different places. Â I had gotten sick of hearing him to tell me one of us had to leave and I had felt the Lord telling me that I was to sacrifice my comfort there and obey and leave so I grabbed what I could in trash bags and humbly took my daughter to my mom’s house. Â That night, me and my daughter slept in one bed and my mom slept on an air mattress on the floor in one room. Â I couldn’t do this. Â I begged him to let us come back. Â Driving 45 minutes each day for work was too much right now and my mom couldn’t afford us, so he let us come back. Â That same night he made it clear that I was not going to be living with him and that I hadÂ to make arrangements. Â This was the start of the constant nights out with the other woman while I slept on the couch and watched him come in the door at all hours of the night, drunk. Â I had only ever seen him drunk once before. Â This was scary. Â Look what my sin had produced. Â About 2 weeks later my daughter and I spent a night at my sister-in-laws house. Â I missed my husband. Â I missed our house and our bed and his arms and his love. Â I needed to fix this. Â I needed God to fix things. Â So I vowed to seek and obey.
I was at church one evening and I had a vision. Â The worship leader was stomping into my house and demanding my husband out of the way. Â Behind her was a girl. Â I slightly recognized her but didn’t pay much attention to the girl in the background. Â In the vision, the worship leader was telling my husband that I was taking my things and leaving and there wasn’t going to be anymore down-talking or nonsense. Â I opened my eyes and looked around. Â There was the girl in my vision, in the pew next to mine.
I prayed and I heard the Lord tell me that I was to move my stuff the next night and be completely moved out, not to return until He was ready for me to. Â I was not to ask for anything that I might have forgotten or take anything that wasÂ ours. Â God had things lined up perfectly and to wrap this section up, I was led to the altar and she ended up being the girl that prayed over me. Â That night I asked her if I could move in with her. Â Weirdest question to ask a stranger. Â Well the Lord had that worked out too because her parents just had their other daughter leave and had an extra room. Â The next day, after a full day of work, my daughter and I and a friend started putting things in trash bags and extra boxes and filling two vehicles. Â The rest of the night was full of shoving things in 3 different vehicles and moving my daughter and I from a 2 bedroom townhouse to one bedroom. Â God gave me peace, but it was my heart that was already broken. Â I didn’t know what I was going to do. Â I went to work the next morning and when I woke up in this tiny packed bedroom the realization hit me again.
I was there for 3 months. Â It became home and the people were sent straight from Him. Â I never paid for anything except for the things I got on my own. Â They never asked for anything from me but I would help around the house and cook and clean. Â They are amazing people. During the time there, I prayed daily, learned SO much about my past and where I was deceived and I truly saw how lost I really was. Â I learned about my pride and selfishness and I learned about the root of all my sexual sin.
My husband and I would talk through email from time to time. Â Mostly it would be about our daughter and scheduling when I would bring her over but sometimes I would get a nasty email or an email asking me why I had done what I did or specifics. Â He would doubt my salvation and the enemy would use him to plant doubt in my mind. Â Thank the Lord, I was grounded and certain and learning so much that I would not succumb to doubt. Â I was saved and changed. Â Permanently.
My birthday came and went, no “Happy Birthday”. Â Next came Thanksgiving. Â During the previous few months, I had had regular prophetic dreams and a few visions. Â They affirmed that my husband was having a sexual relationship with the other woman but they would also show me how God was breaking my husband down and how things were going wrong with him and her and that I was slowly having the upper hand. Â Somehow.
One night I got the most amazing email. Â It said something along the lines of “I miss your body, your smell, your skin. Â I miss everything about you.”
What?? Was this real? Â I couldn’t believe it. Â Before Thanksgiving? Â I had prayed for this and I didn’t know if it was God’s will, but it might be happening. Â After that email there were tons of others between us. Â I was getting updates as to his condition through my sister-in-law and I was hearing that prayers were being answered and things were starting to turn sour with him and her. Â Sounds kind of like how God worked with me, huh?
We spent Thanksgiving together that year, he asked. Â I was humbled. Â That December, the day after Christmas, my daughter and I moved back in. Â I have since confessed of the other men that I have been with and no, it wasn’t easy.
I mean this with tears rolling down my cheeks to anyone that is having any issues with ANY of the things I have gone through. Â God is real. Â He is powerful and He loves you. Â He can and will heal your marriage. Â He does have a great plan for you and having sex with numerous men or women will never fill the void. Â Trust a woman that has actually been there. Â All those men will come and go and you will be left empty. Â There is a God-shaped hole in your heart and NO other person will fill it.
What we have gone through is NOT something that would have survived in the world. Â But in God’s hands, what isn’t possible? He created the very earth we are standing on. Â Don’t limit Him.
This Christmas will mark one year that we started all over. Â I couldn’t be happier and I am in daily prayer and dedicated. Â I love my husband and I love my Godly Husband even more. Â I am so grateful for His forgiveness and for a second change. Â An amazing second chance. Â It’s not water under the bridge. Â My husband and I still have a lot of healing to go through, but we now have God and He is where I lay my hope.